"You dumbass!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha!

Kitty and Red Forman

Red: Laurie, you're not driving the Vista Cruiser, it's old and undependable. It could break down, you could be at the mercy of any maniac who came along. That's okay for Eric. But you're taking the Toyota. Oh and uh, here's a twenty.
Laurie: Will that cover gas?
Kitty: Oh, well it should. Honey, honey, give her another ten just in case.
Eric: You know, I could probably use some gas money.
Red: Yeah, and if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops.
Eric's Birthday

Kitty imagining what's happening at the party:
Donna: Now that the adults are gone, we can be as bad as we want.
Jackie: Who wants to give Eric a venereal disease?!
Kelso: Hey look, coasters!
Hyde: Forget coasters!
Eric: Please, fellas, my mom put out coasters for a reason.
Hyde: I think I'm going to put my drink directly on the furniture. That way, it will leave a ring.
Eric: Nooo!! Why oh why didn't I beg my mother to stay?!
Fez: Quiet you silly American! I am making a long distance call on your parents' phone!
Eric: But that's immoral!
Eric's Birthday

Kitty to Jackie: Dear, the next time you know a President is coming to town, please give me a little more notice. I need to vacuum. Eric, you tidy up this basement! A pie! I gotta make a pie!
Streaking

Red: Now don’t worry, I’m simply gonna ask him how the hell he’s gonna fix this economy!
Kitty: Oh, honey, he wouldn’t know that, he’s the President!
Streaking

Kitty: You know Donna, my grandmother came from Sweden, and she had this thick thick accent and it embarrassed me to no end. Well, I asked her not to come to my high-school graduation cuz I didn’t want my friends to hear her talk. And she didn’t come. Sixteen years later, she got the gout and died. You see?
Donna: No.
Kitty: All families are embarrassing. And if they’re not embarrassing, then they’re dead.
Streaking

Red: Hey Jerry. Here’s my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?
Streaking

Kitty: Eric, did your father come down here?
Eric: Yeah, he’s fixing the dryer.
Kitty: Oh dear, you know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he spent all his time fixing things. Things that don’t need fixing. Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crock pot.
Battle of the Sexist

Red wants to fix the table leg.
Kitty: Honey, honey, we’re eating, we’re eating.
Eric: Yeah, just put a sugar packet under it.
Red: Sugar packet? That’s what’s wrong with this country Eric. Nobody wants to roll up their sleeves and work. They’re all looking for their sugar packet solution. Well, not me. I’m getting a saw!
Eric: Mom, has dad gone crazy?
Kitty: I’m afraid so, dear.
Battle of the Sexist

Kitty: You have a job. It's your job to get good grades, go to college and leave me.
Eric's Burger Job

Ricky: Hey Forman, who said you were on break?
Kitty: I did.
Ricky: And who are you?
Kitty: I'm his mother!
Ricky: Good enough then.
Eric's Burger Job

(Kitty dances and reminisces)
Red to Eric: You see what you did? You got your mother started!
The Disco Episode

Kitty: I just took the "How spontaneous is your relationship" quiz. And you know what?
Red: What?
Kitty: We got 3 out if 10! And I cheated!
Drive In

Waiter: Hello, I’m Guy and I’ll be your waiter. Would either of you like to help yourself to our Blanagantastic salad bar?
Kitty: What’s a salad bar?
Waiter: Oh it’s right over there! All the salad fixings and you make you own Blanagantastic salad!
Red: You mean my wife has to make her own salad?
Waiter: It’ll be worth the trip!
Red: You’re kidding, right?
Kitty: Red!
Red: No, no, no Kitty, it’s okay. Now Guy, my wife didn’t get all dressed up for a special night out so that she could make her own salad. See, she could do that at home. For free!
Waiter: But she wouldn’t have eight Blanagantastic dressings to choose from at home, would she?
The Drive In

Red: Well, first of all Eric, I'm the one who says hold it. When you pay the bills, you get to say hold it.
Sunday Bloody Sunday

Kitty: Dear God. Thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting, soothing delicious habit, oh God I can't do this, no no! I'm fine! Amen.
Sunday Bloody Sunday

Red: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah.
Sunday Bloody Sunday

Kitty: All right, all right. Now. You listen up. I have had an extremely stressful day. And I am not proud of what I'm about to say, but someone give me a cigarette. Now!
Eric, innocently: But mom, we don't smoke.
Kitty: Cut the crap, Eric! I am a nurse. I know that one in five teenagers smoke. (Pointing at them) ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! Now. I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them there had better be a cigarette between these two fingers! Come on people, hop to!
(She closes her eyes and someone's hand puts a cigarette in her hand.)
Kitty: Thank you. Light! (Five hands flick lighters.)
Sunday Bloody Sunday

Kitty: Oh Red, that is so good! Oh, uh, right there, uh, oh, that hasn’t been touched in years!
(We see that she's daydreaming that Red is dusting.)
Ski Trip

Red: The world is a tough place. You drop your guard for one second, and they’ll kick you right in the ass!
Kitty: Well, you’re right. Red, the world is hard, so, wouldn’t it be nice if Eric came home to a place that wasn’t?
Red: Fine, Kitty, when you win the lottery, you can buy him Disneyland.
Stolen Car

Red: It's about the rules. And without the rules we might as well all be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
That Wrestling Show

Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.
That Wrestling Show

Laurie: Share a little, Mom. Tell us how folding the dish towels just right makes all our problems go away.
Kitty: You want me to share? Okay. Laurie, you're mean to your brother and you're screwing around at college. We don't even see you unless you run out of clean clothes or need cash. The fact is you're an ungrateful spoiled brat. Well, thank you. That was nice. I love you honey.
That Wrestling Show

Kitty: I know you’re seventeen and we can’t stop you from doing what you wanna do...
Red: Yes we can.
The Pill

Red: Listen, while you're here, why don't you shine this flashlight on that um, carburetor there.
Jackie: Like this?
(The whole hood of the car is filled with light)
Red: My God! One of you's not useless!
Career Day

Red as Obi Wan: A Jedi's power lies within his own mi-- are you even listening to me?
Eric as Luke: What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?
Red as Obi: No, I did not. Jedi Knight?! Jedi Dumbass!
A New Hope

Kitty is reading a pamphlet titled "Is Johnny High?")
Kitty: Well, okay, now, so far Eric is nine out of ten. He's got, he's got blood shot eyes, mood swings, irregular appetite, odd sleeping patterns, oh Red! Our Johnny is high!
Red: Kitty, that's nonsense! He's not on drugs, he's just weird!
The Water Tower

Kitty on New York: Sodom and Gomorrah with a subway.
Punk Chick

Kitty and Red trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York:
Red: We don't think that you should go.
Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
Kitty: In New York you get mugged for no good reason.
Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!
Red: What'r'you gonna put on your resume? 'Dumbass'?
Punk Chick

Kitty: There are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
Red: Kitty, I've got two stages. Anger, and drinking.
Grandma's Dead

Kitty: You don’t spend nearly enough time with your father.
Eric: That’s because he doesn’t like me.
Kitty: Yes, he does like you. And that’s no excuse.
Hunting

Kitty: Good news, Red. I just took Cosmo’s ten ways to please your man in bed test, and I got nine out of ten! But I didn’t get number three because I’m a nurse and number three is icky.
Red's New Job

Red: Eric, I’ve told you. Your job is to study hard, get good grades, get a scholarship, go to college and move away! End of discussion!
Red's New Job

Red: Well, it’s a tough world, Eric, and people don’t always get what they want. Especially you.
Red's New Job

Bob: And Kitty, since you and Midge are so close, she'd like to ask you a special favor.
Kitty: Oh, Bob! I would be honored to be Midge's--
Bob: She'd like you to bring chairs.
Kitty: (let down)-- chair bringer.
The First Time

Red: You know the last thing I bought for myself? A hose.
Afterglow

Red: Bob's always upset. He's a little girl in big boy pants.
Dine and Dash

Red: I didn't want to insult him by offering him some nothing job.
Kitty: Oh Red, you insult him every day.
Red: That's different, he thinks I'm kidding.
Dine and Dash

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