I see your "gyughhh!" and raise you a "nyaghhh!"

Bad Eggs

Buffy's Mom: You go to the tailor and pick up my outfit from Everyday Woman.
Buffy: "Everyday Woman"?
Buffy's Mom: Mmm hmm. There's the receipt.
Buffy: Why didn't you just go to Muu-Muus R Us?
Buffy's Mom: Do now, make fun of your mother later.

Lyle: Well, ain't you just got the prettiest little neck I ever did see.
Buffy: Boy, you guys really never come up with any new lines, do you?

Lyle: This ain't over! (leaves)
Buffy: Oh, sure. They say they'll call.

Buffy's Mom: Let me guess: you were distracted by a boy.
Buffy: Technically.

Buffy's Mom: A little responsibility is all I ask. Honestly, don't you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?
Buffy: Saving the world from vampires?
Buffy's Mom: I swear, sometimes I don't know what goes on in your head.

Xander: You know what? This would work a lot better for me if you didn't talk.
Cordelia: Well, it'd work a lot better for me with the lights off.
Xander: Are you saying that you can't look at me when we do... whatever it is we do?
Cordelia: No, it's not that I can't, it's just more... I don't want to.
Xander: That's great! That's just dandy! We're repulsed by each other, we, we hide from our friends...
Cordelia: Well, I should hope so! Please!
Xander: All in all this is not what I'd call a big self-esteem booster.
Cordelia: Tell me about it! Just look at you! And those clothes. Where did you get those shoes?!
Xander: Okay, you know what? I don't need this.
Cordelia: Ditto! Like a hole in the head!
(They start to leave the closet, but decide to kiss some more)

Health teacher: The sex drive in the human animal is intense. How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?
Xander, raising his hand: Yes!
Health teacher: That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.
Xander, lowering his hand: Oh.

Health teacher: It's often difficult to remember that there are negative consequences to, having sex. Would anyone care to offer one such consequence?
Cordelia: Well, that depends. Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car? Because I have a friend, not me, that was in a Miata parked at the top of the hill, and then she kicked the gearshift, and, and...
Health teacher: Yeah, I was thinking of something a little more commonplace, Ms. Chase.
Xander: You wanna talk negative consequence? What about the heartbreak of halitosis? I mean, a girl may seem spiffy, but if she ignores her flossing the bloom is definitely off the rose.
Cordelia: Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the Hoover technique is a big turn-on.
Xander: What about having to feign interest in her vapid little chit-chat just so you can get some touch?

Willow: Buffy! How come you weren't in class?
Buffy: Vampire issues. Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander: I think the word you're searching for is "absent."
Willow: Tardy people show.
Buffy: Right.

Willow, giving Buffy an egg: And, yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this.
Buffy: As far as punishments go this is fairly abstract.
Willow: No, it's your baby!
Buffy: Okay, I get it even less.
Xander: Well, you know, it's the whole "sex leads to responsibility" thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that Dreidel song.

Xander: Yeah, the only thing that stresses me is when do we tell them that they're adopted?
Buffy: I'll just lay that one off on my partner. Who'd I get?
Willow: Well, there were an uneven number of students, and you didn't show, so...
Buffy: I'm a single mother?!

Giles: That's Lyle Gorch, and that one's his brother, Tector. They're from Abilene. They made their reputation by massacring an entire Mexican village in 1886.
Buffy: Friendly little demons.
Giles: That was before they became vampires.

Tector, watching Buffy & Angel kiss: That the Slayer?
Lyle: Yep.
Tector: Ain't that Angelus with her?
Lyle: Yep.
Tector: Well, how come she ain't slayin'? And how come he's about to make me blush?

Buffy's Mom: Are you sure your egg is secure in that?
Buffy: Did I ask for backseat mommying?
Buffy's Mom: Are we a little touchy this morning?
Buffy: No, I just feel all funky.
Buffy's Mom: Hmm. You don't have a fever.
Buffy: Oh, no, it's not that, I just... I didn't sleep well.
Buffy's Mom: What's the matter? Your egg keep you up all night?
Buffy: You're killing me. Parenting's a pain!
Buffy's Mom: Wait till it starts dating.

Giles: How did the hunt go last night, Buffy?
Buffy: No go.
Giles: Uh, "no," "no you didn't go," or, you were unsuccessful?
Buffy: No Gorches.
Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?
Buffy: Shut... up.

Willow: It didn't break! How come it didn't break?
Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care: pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
Willow: You boiled your young?
Xander: Yeah! I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind! I mean, you can bet that little Xander here is thick skinned now.
Giles: Technically that would be cheating, yes?
Xander: No! It's like a short cut. You know, when you run a race?
Buffy: That would also be cheating.
Willow: You should be ashamed.
Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that! ... Or possibly thank you

Cordelia: Well, I think we should look around, don't you Xander?
Xander: It can wait.
Cordelia: Well, his body could fall out of a closet somewhere. So we should check some closets to see if he's in a closet?
Xander: You're right. There could be a closet. Let's go.

Willow, watching Cordelia and Xander go: Are they getting weirder? Have you noticed the weirdness of them?

Buffy: Like I'm really planning to have kids anytime soon. Uh, maybe someday, in the future, when I'm done having a life, but... right now kids would be just a little too much to deal with.
Angel: I wouldn't know. I don't... Well, you know, I can't.
Buffy: Oh. That's okay, um... I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn't do. You know, like work for the Telephone Company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or... have little vampires.

Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?
Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future... all I see is you! All I want is you.
Angel: I know the feeling.

Buffy's Mom: Who was that on the phone?
Buffy: Um, uh, Willow. She wasn't feeling well today, so I was just calling to make sure she was feeling better.
Buffy's Mom: You're gonna have to do much better than that, young lady.
Buffy: I had a bad dream?
Buffy's Mom: Oh, no, you're about to have a bad dream! A dream that you are grounded for the rest of your natural life.

Buffy, seeing Cordelia's bear-shaped backpack: Nice bear. Listen is your...
Cordelia: Hey, I'll have you know that my father brought this bear back from Gstaad years ago. Then all of a sudden these trendoids everywhere started sporting them. So I'm totally not wearing it. Then I thought, hey, I'm the one who started this nationwide craze! What am I ashamed of?

Buffy: You know, I always say that a day without an autopsy is like a day without sunshine.

Xander: Can I just say Gyughhh!
Buffy: I see your "gyughhh!" and raise you a "nyaghhh!"
Cordelia: What is it?
Xander: We don't know what it is, Cordelia, that's why we're here. Capisce?
Cordelia: Capisce? What are you, world traveler now?

Buffy: Me? Why do I have to dissect it?
Xander: Uh, because you're the Slayer?
Buffy: And I slayed! My work here is done.
Xander: Oh, no. I almost ate one of those things. I think I've fulfilled my gross-out quota for the decade.

Giles: No, I haven't any children. Although, sometimes I feel as though I do, working here...
Buffy's Mom: They can be such a... Oh, uh, I don't want to say "burden," but, uh... Uh, actually I kind of do want to say "burden"!

Xander, waking up in the closet: Last time Cordy dragged me in here it was a lot nicer.

(Giles is not in the library)
Xander: He must be out somewhere.
Buffy: Well, he picked a hell of a time to get a life.

Buffy: So, our people are taking orders from the mama bezoar. Which begs the question...
Xander: What does mama want?

Xander: Cordelia! I don't wanna hurt ya. Some of the time.

Willow: Did I really hit you?
Xander: You knocked me out.
Cordelia: Did I hit you?
Xander: Yes, everyone hit me.
Cordelia: Good. Well, I don't mean "good" because I hit you, but I didn't wanna be left out.