I refuse to become a monster because I look like a monster.

A New Man

Buffy: This is so nice. Having everyone together for my birthday. Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it will still be the bestest Buffy Birthday Bash in a big long while.

Giles: Right. Actually, Willow and Xander did all the planning. I'm not sure I would have gone with the surprise party. You know, you have enough things jumping out at you in the dark.
Buffy: Professor Walsh says that adrenaline is like exercise but without the exorbitant gym fees.
Giles: Very witty.
Buffy: You should meet her. She's absolutely the smartest person I've ever met.
Giles: Perhaps we should have invited Professor Walsh to the party?
Buffy: Oh, no. I mean, she's like forty. She's got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of kids.

(Spike is packing)
Xander: That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!
Anya: So, what kind of place are you looking for?
Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Some place, you know, dark and dank. But not as dark and dank as this.
Anya: It's pretty depressing, isn't it?
Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one.
Xander: That's it! Let's go.

Walsh: So, the Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah. That's me.
Walsh: We thought you were a myth.
Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken.
Walsh: And to think all that time you were sitting in my class. Well, most of those times. I always knew you could do better than a B minus. Now I understand your energies were directed in the same places as ours, in fact. It's only our methods that differ. We use the latest in scientific technology and state-of-the-art weaponry and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
Buffy: Well, it's more effective than it sounds.

Riley: But you've killed a - You did the thing with that - Uh, you drowned. And the snake! Not to mention the ... daily ... slayage of ... Wow.
Buffy: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. Turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of "apocalypse."

Giles: Well, that's marvelous, isn't it? Here I am, spent weeks trying to get a single scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors and no one bothers to tell me that Buffy's dating one of them?

Giles: Nothing is going to happen. (he leaves)
Ethan: I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper, old mate, I'd say something rather interesting was about to hap-
Giles, coming back in: Did someone...?
Ethan: Oh, bugger! I thought you'd gone!

Giles: Ethan Rayne. You have no idea how much thrashing you is going to improve my day.

(In a bar)
Ethan: Now isn't this more fun than kicking my ass?
Giles: No.
Ethan: Oh. It's more fun for me.

Ethan: We used to be friends, Ripper. When did all that fall apart?
Giles: The same time you started to worship chaos.

Drunk Giles: You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her Nancy-ninja boys come in and six months later, demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me.
Drunk Ethan: Who's Maggie Walsh?
Giles: Oh, she's awful. She said I was an absent male role model. Absent my ass. I'm twice the man she is.

Giles: The world has passed us by. Someone snuck in and left us a couple of has-beens in our place. This Initiative, I mean, their methods may be causing problems, but they're getting the job done. Where am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.
Ethan: Well, we won't have to worry about that anymore now, mate. When you went to the loo I slipped a small pellet of poison in your drink. You'll be dead in an hour. ... Just kidding!

Buffy: I like pancakes 'cause they're stackable. Ooo, and waffles 'cause you can put things in the little holes if you wanted to.
Willow: You should always have a new boyfriend. You're so much fun right now.

Buffy: I'm spending today with Riley.
Willow: Oh, yeah. I forgot that's what you always do on the days when the earth rotates.

Spike: Well. What do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be ... oh, right, the things I can kill.
Giles: Spike. Wonderful. A perfect end to a perfect day.
Spike: Giles?
Giles: Go on, then. Let's get on with the fighting - You understand me?
Spike: Of course I understand you.
Giles: I'm speaking English?
Spike: No, you're speaking Fyarl. I happen to speak Fyarl. And by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?
Giles: As a matter of fact, I did. Thanks to Ethan Rayne. You have to help me find him. He must undo this and then he needs a ... good being killed.
Spike: And I'm just supposed to help you out of the evilness of my heart?
Giles: You help me and I don't kill you.
Spike: Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter.

Buffy: I keep thinking, "let's ask Giles" and then I remember.
Xander: He'd be great right now. He'd find himself in a second. Nobody is cooler in a crisis.

Giles: If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear!
Spike: I'm doing my best. I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it.
Giles: It's perfectly serviceable.
Spike: Funny hearing a Fyarl demon say "serviceable." Had a couple of them working for me once. They're more like, "Like to crush. Crush now?" Strong though. You won't meet a jar you can't open for the rest of your life.

Giles: Listen, about this Fyarl demon. Do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams?
Spike: Well, you've got the mucous thing.
Giles: What? Mucous?
Spike: Paralyzing mucous. Shoots out through the nose. Sets on fast. Hard as a rock. Pretty good in a fight.
Giles: Are you making this up?
Spike: Maybe. But hey, you feel a sneeze coming on, you warn me.

Giles: I refuse to become a monster because I look like a monster. I have a soul. I have a conscience. I am a human being. Oh, stop the car! (He gets out and chases Prof. Walsh, scaring the heck out of her.) All right, let's go then.

Willow: It stole Giles's car.
Xander: Why would a demon steal a car?
Anya: Why would a demon steal that car?

Riley: Buffy, I can't take you with me.
Buffy: You're not taking me with you. I am going and I am letting you come along.

Spike: Hey, picked up a tail.
Giles: Yes. Just a little one. It hurts when I sit.
Spike: I mean someone is following us.

Buffy: This is for Giles! (stabs him, then looks closely at him) Oh God! Giles??

Ethan: I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the "stay and gloat" that gets me every time.

Giles: Uh, how did you know it was me?
Buffy: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me.

Riley: You're really strong. Like Spider-Man strong.
Buffy: Yeah. But I don't stick to stuff. But ... yeah.
Riley: And you're in charge. You're like, make the plan, execute the plan. No one giving you orders.
Buffy: I'm the Slayer.
Riley: I like it.

Buffy: Uh-oh, you have "but-face." (at Giles's look) You look like you're gonna say "but."

Buffy: I'm not dating the Initiative. I'm dating Riley. He's a good guy.
Giles: And I believe that. But he's part of something we don't really understand.
Buffy: You sure you're not just saying this because you don't like Riley's boss?
Giles: No! No. I'm not saying that at all. Though I do hate her quite a lot.

Walsh: So she walks in and the rules just suddenly break?
Riley: Umm . . . pretty much.
Walsh: Be careful with her. She reacts on instinct. There's no discipline there. Her loyalties are uncertain.
Riley: You won't be disappointed in her. She's good at what she does. She is the truest soul I've ever known.
Walsh: Oh, no, oh, no! Spontaneous poetic exclamations. Lord, spare me college boys in love.