Once you go wood, nothing's as good!

The Puppet Show

Snyder: My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.

Willow: I think dummies are cute. You don't?
Buffy: Uuuhhh. They give me the wig. Ever since I was little.
Willow: What happened?
Buffy: I saw a dummy. It gave me the wig. There really wasn't a story there.

Morgan: C'mon, Sid. You're spoiling my act. I worked on these jokes for weeks.
Sid: You call those jokes? My jockey shorts are made out of better material. And, they're edible!

Marc: I reach into the hat, and out comes... Has anybody seen a rabbit?

Xander: I can't! I have my pride! Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this!
Willow: A dramatic scene is the easiest way to get through the talent show, because it doesn't require an actual talent.
Xander: But we have talent. We can do stuff. Buffy, uh...
Buffy: What am I gonna do? Slay vampires on stage?
Willow: Maybe in a funny way!

Sid: It is real. I'm the one with the talent here. The kid's dead weight. How about you and I do a little rehearsing on our own, honey?
Xander: Uh, hey!
Sid: You know what they say: once you go wood, nothing's as good!

Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, "discipline." I know Principal Flutie would have said, "Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings." That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
Giles: I think perhaps it was a little more complex than, um...
Snyder: This place has quite a reputation. Suicide, missing persons, spontaneous cheerleader combustion... You can't put up with that.

Giles: Her heart was removed.
Willow: Yikes!
Buffy: Does that mean anything to you? Besides (shudders) ooooooo?
Click here to play a sound file of ooooo

Buffy: But demons have claws. And teeth.
Xander: They got no use for a big old knife.
Giles: Which more than likely makes our murderer...
Buffy: Human.
Xander: Did I mention that I hate this school?

Willow: The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone. It could be me! ... It's not, though.

Cordelia: It's just such a tragedy for me. Emma was, like, my best friend.
Xander: Emily.

Cordelia: All I can think is, it could have been me!
Xander: We can dream.

Xander: Okay, next time we split up, someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we would have had another organ donor.

Xander: Well, what do we do? We don't slay him, right? We wanna bring him to justice.
Willow: We could set up a complex sting operation where we get him to confess!
Xander: Uh, I should wear a wire!
Buffy: Whoa, hey, you guys, all we know is that Morgan is a grade A large weirdo. That doesn't lead directly to murderer.
Xander: Guy talks to his puppet!
Willow: And for his puppet.
Buffy: Well, yeah, but what about the whole "it's a demon" theory?
Giles: I'm looking into that, but, uh, my investigation is somewhat... hampered by our life in the theater.
Buffy: Uh, priority check, Giles? (weighing with her hands) Talent show, murder.

Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking.

Marc: And my lovely assistant steps into the box... And... behold! (to his assistant) You were supposed to leave!

Cordelia: But the mood! It'll be all wrong! My song is about dignity and human feelings and personal hygiene or something. Anyway, it's sappy, and no one is gonna be feeling sappy after all that rock and roll.
(Giles gives her an odd look)
Cordelia: Uhhh, what?
Giles: Oh! I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh...
Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair? Omigod! (she runs off)
Giles: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.

Buffy: Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit, 'cause that's how stupid I feel saying this... I think Sid was in my room last night.
Willow: With Morgan?
Buffy: No. He was alone. And alive.
Xander: Did you see him?
Buffy: Well, I saw something. It ran across my floor, under my bed and then it attacked me.
Giles: Attacked you? How?
Buffy: It was like it pounced on my face.
Xander: Like a cat.
Buffy: Yeah, exactly! But when I turned the lights on it was already gone. I think it went out my window.
Xander: Like a cat.
Buffy: Yeah! No! It was Sid, the dummy.
Giles: Or possibly the nightmare of somebody who had... dummies on her mind.
Willow: You did say they creep you out.
Buffy: Excuse me? Can I have a little support here, please? I'm not just some crazy person, I'm the Slayer.
Xander: The dummy Slayer?

Cordelia: Looks like someone digs you. That's adorable. You and the dummy could tour in the freak show!

Xander, manipulating Sid: Hi, Buffy! Hi, Willow! Would you like to hear some off-color jokes?
Buffy: I really don't think you should be doing that.
Xander: What? C'mon... (as Sid) I'm not real!
Buffy: Xander, quit it!
Xander, pounding Sid's head into the table: He's... not... real! I think our demonstration proves that Sid (knocks on Sid's head) is wood. Now, why don't you go and find Morgan and prove he's... whatever he is?

Xander, as Sid: Bye-bye, now. I'm completely inanimate. Redrum! Redrum!

Giles: Willow, we have some hunting of our own to do.
Willow: Once again I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalog.
Giles: You concentrate on re-animation theory. I'll peck about in organ harvesting. Unless, of course, you prefer...
Willow: That's okay, you can have the organs.

Sid: You win. Now you can take your heart and your brain and move on.
Buffy: I'm sure they would have made great trophies for your case.
Sid: That would have been justice.
Buffy: Yeah, except for one thing - you lost, and now you'll never be human.
Sid: Yeah, well, neither will you.
Together, after a pause: What?

Sid: Who can blame me for thinking? Look at you! You're strong, athletic, limber... (goes off into his own world) nubile... (shakes his head) I'm back!

Cordelia: I, I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy! What if I mess up?
Giles: Cordelia, there, uh, there's an adage, uh, that if you're feeling nervous then you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear.
Cordelia: Eww! Even Mrs. Franklin? Uhhh!
Giles: Perhaps not.

Buffy: I'm a Vampire Slayer.
Sid: You?! You're the Slayer? Damn! I knew a Slayer in the 30's. Korean chick. Very hot. We're talking muscle tone. Man, we had some times. Hey, that was pre-dummy, alright?

Buffy: You don't actually turn into a prince, do you? I mean, your body...
Sid: Is dust and bones. When I say free...
Buffy: You mean dead.
Sid: Don't get sniffly on me, sis. I've lived a lot longer than most demon hunters. Or Slayers, for that matter. Of course, if you want to snuggle up and comfort me...
Buffy, taking his hand off of her knee: So, that horny dummy thing really isn't an act, is it?
Sid: Nope!
Buffy: Yuck!

Xander: So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter. And we're, like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?

Buffy: This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.
Xander: In other words, I'm safe!
Buffy: And it's gonna be looking for the smartest person around.
(Buffy and Xander both look at Willow)
Willow: What?

Willow: What could a demon possibly want from me?
Xander: What's the square root of 841?
Willow: 29. Oh, yeah.

Xander: Giles can handle himself. I mean, he is really... smart!

Giles: Shouldn't it be aimed at my neck?
Marc, as he locks Giles into the contraption: No. No, this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just... come pouring out.
Giles: What exactly is the trick?
Marc: Trick?

Buffy, seeing Marc start to change into his demon form: Ewww!

Giles: I must say, all of you... Your timing is impeccable.

Snyder, as the curtains open: I don't get it. What is it? Avant-garde?

Willow: Oh, ruler of my country, Oedipus, you see our company around the Altar, and I, the priest of Zeus!
Xander: Ha, ha! They prophesize that I should kill my father. But he is dead. And hidden deep in the soil. But surely I must fear my mother's bed.
Buffy: Oh, Oedipus, Oedipus, unhappy Oedipus, that is all I can call you, and all that I ever shall call you.
Xander: Darkness! And horror of darkness. Unfolding, restless, visitant, sped by an ill wind in haste. Madness, and... Madness and stabbing pain, and, aaand, uh... oh... oh... memory of, uh, ill deeds I have done.
(Willow runs offstage in fright.)