Beg to differ, little lady.

Ted

Buffy: I love it when things are quiet around here.
Xander: Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been ridin' the mellow, and I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying that.
Buffy: Yeah, but we'll let you off this time.

Buffy to her mother: So. All these late nights at the gallery recently I gather you were cataloging more than art.

Buffy: How'd you meet?
Buffy's Mom: Oh, he sells computer software. He redid my entire system at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time.
Buffy: To meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen.
Buffy's Mom: You weren't supposed to see that.

Buffy: I kill vampires, that's my job.
Giles: Well, true, true, although you don't usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand.

Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas," but I'm telling you, I am...
Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the... subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh, text.

Willow: You don't like him?
Buffy: I don't know him. I mean, so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite, and my mother really likes him.
Xander: What kind of a monster is he??
Buffy: I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown.
Willow: He's a clean clown! (she gets stared at) I have my own fun.

Xander, in a sing-song voice: You're having parental issues, you're having parental issues...
Willow: Xander.
Xander: What? Freud would've said the exact same thing. Except he might not have done that little dance.

Buffy: So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show," and "Ted's teaching me computers," and "Ted said the funniest thing," and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom," and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.
Angel: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?
Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.
Angel: No, but maybe your Mom does.
Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.
Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
Buffy: Okay, so my Mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?
Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?
Buffy: My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?
Angel: Kiss me.
Buffy: Finally, something I want to do!

Ted: I think you're missing the point here, little lady. Right is right, wrong is wrong. Why don't people see that?
Buffy: It's just a game.
Ted: Right, it's just a game, do your own thing, well, I'm not wired that way. And I am here to tell you it is not a game! It does count, and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house!
Buffy: Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not in your house.
Ted: Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours?

Willow: What do you mean, check him out?
Buffy: I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets, hack into his life.
Xander: Can you say "overreaction"?
Buffy: Can you say "sucking chest wound"?
Willow: Buffy, it just seems like you want him to be corrupt, or something.
Buffy: The guy lost his senses over mini-golf.
Xander: So he's a little uptight. Last I heard that's not a slaying offense. Don't gimme the look, I'm on your side. I'm just saying there are some things in life you have to accept.
Buffy: And I'm saying Ted ain't one of 'em.

Cordelia: What's wrong with you?
Xander: I gave you a compliment.
Cordelia: In front of your friends! They're gonna know!
Xander: Know what?
Cordelia: Please! It's too traumatic for me to even say it!
Xander: That we kissed?
Cordelia: Uhhh!
Xander: Look, I'm not gonna tell, they're not gonna know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?
Cordelia: God! Is that all you ever think about? ... Okay.

Ted: We thank you for what we are about to receive, and we ask that you bless this house, and help the people in it to be more productive, more considerate and more honest. Amen.

Buffy, sitting in the park, calling: Vampires... Here, vampires...

Ted, reading Buffy's diary: What exactly is a Vampire Slayer?
Buffy: It's none of your business.
Ted: Beg to differ, little lady. Everything you do is nothing but my business from now on.
Buffy: I think you better get out of here. Now!
Ted: Or what? You'll slay me? I'm real. I'm not some goblin you made up in your little diary. Psychiatrists have a word for something like this: delusional. So, from now on, you'll do what I say, when I say, or I show this [her diary] to your mother, and you'll spend your best dating years behind the wall of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be happy. You're not going to stand in the way. Sleep tight!

Willow: But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it.
Buffy: Yeah. That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.

Buffy: He was a person, and I killed him.
Willow: Don't say that!
Buffy: Why not? Everyone else is. And it's the truth.
Xander: It was an accident.
Buffy: I'm the Slayer. I had no right to hit him like that.
Xander: Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly. But I do know you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you know... unless...
Buffy: Unless they were dating my mother?

Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...
Xander: What, a license to kill?
Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.
Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?

Willow, examining Ted's cookies: Well, apparently the secret ingredient is not love.

Willow: I'm not positive, but I think it's Dematorin. It's like a tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with Ecstasy.
Xander: This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! ... Well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock!

Buffy at the window: She nailed it shut. Well, it's official, this day can't get any worse.
Ted: Beg to differ.

Buffy: You died.
Ted: That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?
Buffy: What are you?
Ted: I'm a salesman! That's what you should've remembered. No matter how you put him down... a good salesman always bounces back!

Cordelia on Ted's apartment: Feels like home. If it's the fifties and you're a psycho.

Xander: Whatcha got in the closet, Ted? (looks in the closet, and slams the door shut again.) Let's go.
Cordelia: But we need evidence!
Xander: We got it.
Willow: What's in there?
Xander: His first four wives.

Ms Calendar, after stabbing Giles: Oh, God, I am so sorry!
Giles: I think I'm all right.
Ms Calendar: No, you're just in shock.
Giles: No, no, really, I don't think it went in too deep. The advantages of layers of tweed. Better than kevlar.

Ted: We should probably be hitting the road.
Buffy's Mom: Hitting the road?
Ted: You're going to love the house. It's furnished just the way you like it. I spent a lot of... (shorting) ...telling me what to do! (jerking) ...time decorating.
Buffy's Mom: Well, then I'd... probably better go pack.
Ted: I already have your clothes. They're your size, they're always your size. You left me once, but I keep bringing you back. Husband and wife is forever. (shorts) Forever.

Ted: Buffy, come out! I don't stand for this kind of malarkey in my house!
Buffy: Uncle Teddy? (hits him with a frying pan) This house is mine!

Buffy's Mom: Do you wanna rent a movie tonight?
Buffy: Sounds like fun.
Buffy's Mom: Just nothing with horror in it. Or romance. Or men.
Buffy: I guess we're Thelma and Louiseing it again.

Xander: So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker'o'love until she dies. And then he keeps bringing her back, over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
Willow: The sad part is the real Ted must've been a genius. There were design features in that robot that pre-date...
Buffy: Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.
Willow: Not any big ones.
Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Buffy, finding Giles and Ms Calendar kissing: I mean, what is it with grownups these days?