Oh this is fun, we're on monster island.

The Teacher's Pet

Dr. Gregory: I gather you had a few problems at your last school?
Buffy: Well, what teenager doesn't?
Dr. Gregory: Cut school, got in fights, burn down the gymnasium... Principal Flutie showed me your permanent record.
Buffy: Well, that fire, I mean, there was major extenuating circumstances. Actually, it's, uh, kinda funny!
Dr. Gregory: Can't wait to see what you're gonna do here.
Buffy: Destructo Girl. That's me.

Blayne: Girls really gotta have something to go with me.
Xander: Something like a lobotomy?
Blayne: Xander. How many times you score?
Xander: Well, uh...
Blayne: It's just a question.
Xander: Are we talking today, or the whole week?

Xander: Who's that?
Willow: That must be Angel! I think.
Xander: That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?
Willow: That's him, I'll bet you.
Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
Willow: You think he's buff?
Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up?

Buffy, looking at Angel's arm: What happened?
Angel: I didn't pay attention.
Buffy: To somebody with a big fork?
Angel: He's coming.
Buffy: The Fork Guy?
Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
Buffy: Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic!

Buffy: What happened, is he sick?
Xander: They didn't say anything about sick, something about missing.
Buffy: He's missing?
Xander: Well, let me think. Um, the cheerleaders were modeling their new short skirts, that kinda got... Yeah! Yeah, they said missing.

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Miss French: The praying mantis is a fascinating creature. Forced to live alone. Who can tell me why? Buffy?
Buffy: Well, the words 'bug-ugly' kinda spring to mind.

Buffy, on cafeteria food: Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart.
Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.

Xander: You two are probably a little young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man.
Buffy: Oh, I understand.
Xander: Good!
Buffy: The younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements.
Xander: What surgical improvements?
Willow: Well, he is young.
Buffy: And so terribly innocent!
Xander: Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't, laugh at those who... can do.

Xander: This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but... where did they put his head?
Willow: Good point. I didn't wanna hear that.

Xander: So there's something else out there? Besides Silverwareman? Oh, this is fun, we're on monster island.
Buffy: We're on a Hellmouth. It's a center of mystical convergence. Guess it's the same thing.

Giles: You went hunting last night.
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: When you assured me you wouldn't.
Buffy: Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on.

Buffy: Do you know Miss French, the teacher that's subbing for Dr. Gregory?
Giles: Yes. Yes, she's lovely. In a ... common, extremely well-proportioned way.

Mr. Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching.

Cordelia: I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!

Miss French: Oh, Xander! I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.
Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.

Willow: Well, Miss French is sort of big. For a bug?
Giles: And she is, by and large, woman shaped.
Buffy: Okay. Factoid 1: Only the praying mantis can rotate its head like that. Factoid 2: A pretty whacked-out vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid 3: Her fashion sense screams predator.
Willow: It's the shoulder pads.
Buffy: Exactly.

Giles: On a helpful note, I had a chum at Oxford, Carlyle, advanced degrees in entomology mythology.
Buffy: Entomawho?
Giles: Bugs and fairy tales.
Buffy: I knew that.

Giles: Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one assumes it is entirely legal?
Willow: Entirely!
Buffy: Of course!
Giles: Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.
Buffy: Good idea.

Buffy: I don't think she's human.
Xander: I see. So if she's not human she's...
Buffy: Technically? A big bug. This sounds really weird, I'm aware of that...
Xander: It doesn't sound weird at all, I completely understand. I've met someone, and you're jealous.
Buffy: What?
Xander: Look, there's nothing I can do about it. Uh, there's just this certain chemical thing between Miss French and me.
Buffy: I know, I read all about it, it's called a pheromone. It's a chemical attractant that insects give off.
Xander: She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is "Angel" anyway?

Miss French: I just need to relax a little, I'm kinda nervous around you. You're probably cool as a cucumber!
Xander: I like cucumbers. Like in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? I'm exempting Schwarma, of course, I mean, what's that all about? It's a big meat hive.

Miss French: Can I ask you a personal question? Have you ever been with a woman before?
Xander: You mean, like, in, uh, the same room?

Xander: Oh! Well, needs should, y'know... Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day.

Xander: Buffy. I love Buffy. Wow! So that's a martini, huh?

Buffy: It's the way they feed, head first. It's also the way they mate. The female bites off the male's head while they're...
Willow: No, no, no! See? Xander's, I like his head! It's where you find his eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile...

Giles: Well, whatever you do, it had better be certain and swift. This beast is extremely dangerous.
Buffy: Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around.
Giles: Yes, in a straightjacket, howling his innards out day and night.
Buffy: Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops!
Giles: Sorry.

Xander: What's she doing?
Blayne: I think it's eeny, meeny, miney...
Xander: Moe?

Willow: What do we do now?
Giles: Abject prayer and supplication would spring to mind.

Buffy: Remember Dr. Gregory? You scarfed his head? Yeah, well, he taught me, you do your homework, you learn stuff. Like what happens to your nervous system when you hear this! (She plays the tape. Instead of bat sonar we hear Giles' voice.)
Giles's voice on the tape: ...extremely important to file not simply alphabetically...
Buffy: Giles!
Giles: It's the wrong side!

Willow: I'm really glad you're okay. It's so unfair how she only went after virgins.
Xander: What?
Willow: I mean, here you guys are, doing the right thing, the smart thing, when a lot of other boys your age...
Blayne: Flag down on that play, babe. I am not...
Giles: Well, you see, that's the She-Mantis's modus operandi. She only preys on the pure.
Xander: Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day!
Blayne: My dad's a lawyer. Anyone repeats this to anybody, they're gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit.