Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?

The Zeppo

Xander: But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll never be a good reporter!

Jack: What are you, retarded?
Xander: No! No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything.

Jack: You wanna be startin' somethin'?
Xander: What? Starting something? Like that Michael Jackson song, right? That was a lot of fun. "Too high to get over, yeah, yeah..." Remember that fun song?
Jack: I get my buddies together, we're gonna kick your ass till it's a brand-new shape.

Cordelia: Boy, of all the humiliations you've had I've witnessed, that was the latest.
Xander: I could've taken him.
Cordelia: Oh, please. O'Toole would macrame your face. He is a psycho. Which is still a lot cooler than being a wuss.
Xander: Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures Hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?
Cordelia: Because, unlike all those creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there.
Xander: Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?
Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers - Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires - and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.

Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.
Cordelia: Oh, please.
Xander: I do!
Cordelia: Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. (Indicating Jack) "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't. (She walks off. To herself) There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Xander: But... It's just that it's buggin' me, this "cool" thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool?
Oz: Not sure.
Xander: I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
Oz: Am I?
Xander: Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?
Oz: Could be.

Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.

Xander: You girls need a lift?
Buffy: What is this?
Xander: What do you mean, what is it? It's my thing.
Willow: Your "thing"?
Xander: My thing!
Buffy: Is this a penis metaphor?
Xander: It's my thing that makes me cool. You know, that makes me unique. I'm Car Guy. Guy with the car!

Xander: I'll take two glazed, two cinnamon, couple cream-filled, and a jelly. No, no, let's round that out to four jellies.
Cordelia: Ooo, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission.
Xander: Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next twenty seconds.
Cordelia: Ooo, again, I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean.

Cordelia: Oh, what, you got a shiny car, and now you're someone new? Like anybody even cares about...
Gorgeous blonde to Xander: Is that your car?
Xander: Why, uh... Yes! It is!

Xander: Oh, gosh, Jack, man, are, are you okay? I am really sorry about that. But your car came out of nowhere.
Jack: I was parked!
Xander: Exactly. Look, I can cover the damages. I don't have insurance in the strictest sense of the word, but I have a little money. The important thing is that we're all right and we can work this out like two reasonable... (Jack pulls out a very large knife) ...frontiersmen.
Jack: Where do you want it?
Xander: What?
Jack: Where do you want it?
Xander: I'm fairly certain I don't want it at all, but, uh, thank you.

Lysette: Wow. Cool knife.
Xander: Yeah. Great knife. Although I think, it may technically be a sword.
Jack: She's called 'Katie'.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.

Jack: Are you scared?
Xander: Would that make you happy?

Lysette: I wanna go for a drive. I'm bored.
Xander: Oh, gee, I'm really sorry my life-and-death situation isn't exciting enough for you!

(Jack raises his friends from the dead)
Bob: Oh, man, I can't believe you raised me! That is so awesome! You are the coolest!

Xander: Are, um... Are all your friends dead?

Giles: Uh, what are you doing here?
Xander: Oh, we were just raising, um... some heck.

Xander: Listen, do you guys need any help?
Giles: Hmm? Oh, no. Thank you. Uh, probably best if you stay out of trouble.
Xander: No chance of that.

Giles: There's something different about this menace, something in the air... The stench of death.
Xander: Yeah, I think it's Bob.

Xander: Uh, this time of night, I'm pretty sure nothing's open.
(The dead guys break the store window)
Xander: But they're always open for crime. Okay. Now I'm involved in crime. I'm the criminal element. Having a car sure is cool!

Xander: What do I gotta do?
Jack: You gotta die.

Faith: A fight like that and no kill... I'm about ready to pop.
Xander, nervous: Really? Pop?!
Faith: You up for it?
Xander: Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um... I've never been up with people before.
Faith: Just relax, and take your pants off.
Xander: Those two concepts are antithetical.

Xander: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?

Faith: That was great. I gotta shower.

Xander: Hey! They're not baking any cake!

Xander: Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already-dead guys with bombs.

Xander: Should've learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later... (The dead guy runs off) I wasn't finished! Note to self: less talk.

Xander: I know what you're thinkin'. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away... I don't love your chances.
Jack: Then you'll die, too.
Xander: Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is... who has less fear?
Jack: I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.
Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blowed up isn't walking around and drinking with your buddies dead. It's little bits being swept up by a janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.

Cordelia: Ooo, look, it's Mr. Excitement. On another life-or-death doughnut mission, or are we just cruising for bimbos again, giving them lessons in lack of cool?
(Xander ignores her, smiles, and walks past)
Cordelia: What? What??