Focus on Callers to Frasier's show

Lorraine, who has call waiting: Okay, go ahead Dr. Crane. I'm here. Oh, I don't believe it - another call!
Frasier: Hold it right there, Lorraine. The reason why you want to take that other call is the same reason that you want to change your career and break up with your boyfriend. You're obsessed with what you think you're missing. The better offer, the call on the other line. Well, you've got to take one call at a time from now on. Fully explore and experience each one in its turn and you'll be a stronger person for it. Do you follow me, Lorraine?
Lorraine: Okay, I'm baaaaack!
I Hate Frasier Crane

Roz: We have Hank on line three. He's having trouble with his neighbours.
Frasier: Hello Hank. I'm listening.
Hank: Am I on?
Frasier: Yes, you are on the air.
Hank: Hello, am I on?
Frasier: Hank, listen. Turn down your radio and just talk into your phone.
Hank: Hello?
Frasier: Listen, Hank please, you won't be able to hear yourself, we're on a seven second delay.
Hank: Hello, can you hear me?
Frasier: Oh, for crying out loud. Thank you, Hank. People, would you please turn off your damn radios. No, I mean just those of you who are calling in!
Call me Irresponsible

Danielle, speaking with a French accent: I'm sorry, Dr Crane, I'm having a big, big problem with my messieur.
Frasier: Excuse me, with your what?
Danielle: My messieur.
Frasier: Your mithyuer?
Danielle: Oui. My messieur. Every day...
Frasier: Is that your mother?
Danielle: No. My messieur!
Frasier: Your masseur? Your mercedes?
Danielle: Messieur! My messieur! You must help me.
Frasier: Well Danielle, I, umm... The best advice I can give you is to umm... either confront your mithyuer, or umm, work on your self-esteem. Thank you for your call.
Beloved Infidel

Frasier to a caller: Roger, at Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunnelling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
Selling Out

Roz: Dr Crane, we have Don on his carphone. He's having a problem with his weight.
Frasier: Don, it's a common problem. I'm listening.
Don: It's the screwiest thing, Doc. I eat healthy, I work out. But no matter what I do, I can't lose a pound. It's very depressing.
Frasier: Yes, well, losing weight can be a life long struggle. It takes a commitment. Now, if you're ready to accept that, there are a number of things I can suggest...
Voice in background: May I take your order, please?
Frasier: Don, what was that?
Don: Uh, oh, nothing. It was the radio. Go ahead, you were talking.
Frasier: Don? Where are you?
Don: I'm just driving around.
Voice in background: Please speak into the clown's mouth.
Frasier: Don?
Don: Sorry Dr Crane. I'm going to lose you. I'm going into a tunnel. Goodbye.
Frasier: Yes, and the light at the end of that tunnel is a heat lamp over a large order of fries.
Oops

Frasier: ... And though washing one's hands 20 to 30 times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Janine.
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast

Ethan, a 13 year old caller: Frankly, Dr Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired! The real surprise is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is! And he can't stay in there forever! Thank you for your call!
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast

Mary Ann: Kids. You can't live with 'em, and you can't shove 'em back in the womb.
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast

Rachel: You see, I recently married a widower. Now, Phil's a real good man, he's a kind man. But there's just one little problem. He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes on the dresser in our bedroom.
Frasier: That is a definite "yikes."
Rachel: See, I knew that wasn't normal. He says it is, but I knew it wasn't!
Frasier: All right, Rachel. Rachel, now listen, before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them to another room?
Rachel: Well, I guess I could try that. Maybe I'll move them into the guest room. Oops.
Frasier: Rachel, what happened?
Rachel: Oh, nothing. I gotta run, Dr Crane. I've got some vaccuuming to do.
Fortysomething

Frasier to a caller: Gee, I'm sorry, Blake. When I told you to close your eyes and visualise that you were on a tropical island, I didn't realise you were calling from your car phone.
Blake: That's OK, Doc. At least I know my air bags work.
Frasier Crane's Day Off

Edna: Hello, Dr. Crane. I've been working at pest control for fifteen years. I go in every day, answer the same calls, ask the same questions: "What kind of bugs are they?" "Have you seen any droppings?" Then I go to the next person: "What kind of bugs are they?" "Have you seen any droppings?"
The Botched Language of Cranes

Roz to irate caller: Who's our sponser? Pet Paradise. Well fine, go ahead and boycott them, see how easy it is to flush your dead German Shepherd down the toilet!
The Botched Language of Cranes

Roz: On line one, we have Linda, she's calling from a car phone.
Frasier: Hello, Linda, I'm listening.
Linda: Oh, Dr. Crane. My husband and I are right in the middle of a fight. You see, we're on our way to the antique mart, we're obviously lost, but he refuses to stop and ask for directions.
Frasier: Yes, well, Linda, this is a common source of friction among couples. Some men feel the need to be in control, they see asking for help as a sign of weakness.
Linda: Oh, everybody knows that. Look, the reason I called is to ask how the hell do we get to the antique mart from Clark Street and 14th Street.
Burying a Grudge

Elliot, who sounds like a kid: Well, you see Dr Crane, I have a problem. I'm a salesman...
Frasier: Ah, a salesman? How old are you?
Elliot: Forty-three.
Frasier: Forty-three?
Elliot: Yes.
Frasier: Now let's be truthful.
Elliot: I'm forty-three.
Frasier: Elliot, we were not born yesterday. Clearly you are just an adolescent, trying to prove to your little friends how clever you are by getting on the radio. But you know what you are really doing, you're taking time away from people with real problems.
Elliot: Hey, I'm forty-three. I was born in New Providence. I have a very young sounding voice that people make fun of all the time.
Frasier: Oh, I'm so sorry, Elliot, that was very insensitive of me.
Elliot: Ha! Gotcha, Dr Doofus!
Seat of Power

Marie: Um, you see, Dr. Crane, there's this man I'd like to go out with, but he's forty years old and he's never been married. You think that means something?
Frasier: Well, it could mean he has a fear of commitment... or it could mean he's just been lucky! Marie, that was a joke.
Marie: Did I mention I'm calling from a payphone?
Roz in the Doghouse

Marjorie: And I just wanted to thank you, Dr Crane. Because of your advice, I've conquered my fear of heights. I took it slowly, gradually going higher and higher, until now, here I am, right now, having lunch at the top of the Space Needle!
Frasier: Marjorie, congratulations. I am so proud of you.
Marjorie: I mean, when I think of how you... Aaaahh!!!
Frasier: What's wrong? What happened?
Marjorie: I just looked down.
Frasier: Well, Marjorie, don't do that. Look at your luncheon companion, look at your menu, but don't look down. You're only feeding your fears when you do that.
Marjorie: Maybe I wasn't ready for a window table.
Frasier: Of course you are, of course you are. You can beat this thing.
Marjorie: You're right, I can Dr. Crane, if I just... Aaaahhh!
Frasier: Do not look down!
Marjorie: I didn't. My cheque just came.
Retirement is Murder

Sid: Hello, Dr. Crane. I have a terrible fear of talking on the phone to people I do not know. I freeze up. It is a severe handicap in today's fast paced, highly competitive world.
Frasier: Sid, are you reading what you're saying?
Sid, shuffling papers: Uh... Yes, I am. The only way I can comfortably communicate on the phone is to write everything out I wish to say in advance.
Frasier: But what if someone asks you a question you haven't anticipated?
Sid: Uhhhh... Thank you, Dr. Crane, for your most insightful comment. Goodbye.
The Club

Middle of the night caller: I've got to disagree with your last two callers. I'm in the same line of work, and I think that what we do is very important! People depend on us! (a bell rings) I've got to go, Doc, it's time to powder the jelly donuts.
She's the Boss

Middle-of-the-night caller: I work at this all night mini-mart, and I've been watching myself on the video camera, and the camera-me is doing things I don't approve of.
She's the Boss

Eileen: Dr. Crane, I've been very happily married for twenty years and I wouldn't dream of cheating but lately when we're making love I find myself fantasizing about people other than my husband.
Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal. It's quite all right to spice up one's love life by imagining a tryst with oh, a sport's figure or a movie star or...
Eileen: Or a radio psychiatrist?
Frasier: Excuse me?
Martin does it his way

Brenda: Hi Dr Crane. I'm having a problem with my sister. She's always - (click) - Oh, wait a minute, that's my other line.
Frasier: Something tells me I'm going to be siding with Brenda's sister.
High Crane Drifter

Frasier: Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.
Tom: Hi, Dr. Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend. My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself or because things are so great between us physically.
Frasier: Well, how long you two been together?
Tom: Six years.
Frasier: ... And the sex is still that good?
Tom: Oh man, Dr Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends. I'm not sure we have much else in common.
Frasier: Well, common interests are of course the foundation of - three times, you say!
Tom: Is that abnormal?
Frasier: Well... no. No. It's not abnormal. It's not fair... but it's not abnormal.
Frasier Loves Roz

Tom: Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend.
Frasier: I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary.
Frasier Loves Roz

Frasier: And in closing, this goes out to Keith, the narcolectic I spoke to a bit earlier. I'd be glad to resume when you feel a bit more alert. But, in the meantime I suggest you reconsider applying for that traffic control position.
The Two Mrs Cranes

Jimmy: So it's my parents. I don't know, they're just like, really stupid.
Frasier: May I ask how old you are?
Jimmy: Fourteen.
Frasier: Well, hang on, Jimmy. Your parents are going to be stupid for another seven years.
Jimmy: Whoa! Seven years? That's like, longer than I'll be in high school!
Frasier: I salute your optimism.
The Impossible Dream

Roz: On line four, we have Ted, who's feeling a little bit disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted. (Dial tone) Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.
Halloween

Stephen: I think I'm losing my mind, Dr Crane. People are talking to me through my radio.
Frasier: Why do you think that?
Stephen: There it is again.
Frasier: Turn your radio down.
Stephen: Now it's giving me orders.
Frasier: Stephen, turn your radio down.
Stephen: It knows my name!
Good Samaritan

Frasier: Getting married is probably the biggest decision you will ever make in your life. It requires time, temperance, and thought. ... Tom, what's that music?
Caller Tom, as the Wedding March plays in the background: Sorry, Dr. Crane, no time to talk, I have to tell Monica the bad news.
Frasier: Wait, wait, wait, Tom, no! Oh, dear. Well, if anyone out there happens to know Monica, just tell her to call in on Monday and I'll move her right to the head of the line.
The Return of Martin Crane