Staff of KACL

Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe

Bulldog: So Doc, who's your pick for the Giants and Saints game this weekend?
Frasier, with an air of suffering: The Giants.
Bulldog, deadpan: You're kidding.
Frasier, with an air of suffering: The Saints.
Bulldog, deadpan: You're kidding.
Frasier: Well, somebody has to win.
Bulldog: Yeah, they would if the Giants and Saints were playing this weekend.
Frasier: Yes, that was very funny indeed. I wish you'd played it on my show. It deserves to be heard by a much larger audience!
Can't Buy me Love

Bulldog: Hey. Where's my tickets to the Sonics game? They were here just a second ago. Somebody just stole my tickets to the sonics game! This stinks! This is total BS! This is... oh, got 'em.
Oops!

Bulldog: If the Seahawks beat Buffalo this Sunday, I promise to do my entire show hanging by my feet.
Frasier: You can do that?
Bulldog: Oh sure. Practiced all morning. The real trick is drinking coffee. I keep burning my eyes.
Oops

Bulldog: The most [irate calls] I ever got was 35, when I did the commentary, "Lady Umpires - Finally a Chest Worth Protecting"!
The Botched Language of Cranes

Bulldog: I had a similar experience when I was sixteen with an older woman who introduced me to the mysteries of love. Of course she was a hooker. Hey, it was a birthday present from my dad, okay? You wanna know the ironic thing, doc? All I wanted was a bike!
Slow Tango in South Seattle

On the new boss, Bulldog: First things first! Is she baggable?
Roz: Forget it, Bulldog, she'd have you for breakfast.
Bulldog: Right, like I ever stick around that long.
She's the Boss

Frasier goes overtime:
Bulldog: Blah, blah, Frasier Crane Show, happy health, good bye!
Shrink Rap

Frasier: Bulldog's up next after the news with the "Gonzo Sports Show." Today's topic: "What's wrong with our Seattle Mariners?" If you haven't had a chance to voice your opinion on that in the last eighteen years, you'll want to today.
Adventures in Paradise

Bulldog: Just got back from the gym! Did an hour on the stairmaster! What do you think? (Slapping his butt) Like a couple of little cherry tomatoes, huh?
Frasier: Thank you, Bulldog, you've just put me off salads for a month.
Adventures in Paradise

Bulldog, seeing Roz's apartment: Wow! The whole place is a bedroom!
Roz in the Doghouse

Bulldog: OK, where's the french fries? I ordered french fries! This stinks! This is total BS! Oh, here they are.
Roz in the Doghouse

Bulldog, contemplating a pair of handcuffs: Naw... second date. Don't be pushy.
Roz in the Doghouse

Frasier: I've met a lot of odd people in this business, and I've never called any of them a creep.
Bulldog: Hey Roz, will you stop wearing those cordueroys, I can't see your panty line.
Frasier: Although some people do send me groping for synonyms.
Someone to Watch over me

Bulldog, wearing mistletoe on his hat: Hey Roz, you know what's over my head?
Roz: Almost any clever remark?
Bulldog: What's she mean by that?
Frasier Grinch

Roz: You know, if I were smart, I'd go out with the next guy I see I'm not the least bit attracted to.
Bulldog, entering: Roz, Roz, I just bit my tongue. Can you kiss it and make it better?
Roz: The next one after him.
Frasier Loves Roz

Bulldog: Oh, I love weddings. Never been to a wedding where I didn't bag at least one bridesmaid. And the uglier the dress, the quicker they want to get out of them. This one would hit the floor before the rice!
Frasier Loves Roz

Bulldog, watching a guy pick his teeth: Ten bucks says he eats what he finds.
The Focus Group

Bulldog on the phone, breaking up with a woman: I'll never forget you, Sandy. Linda? I thought I was talking to your sister. Oh well, tell her same goes.
Love Bites Dog

Bulldog explaining why he doesn't like golf: No cheerleaders, no blood, and the only cups are in the ground.
Love Bites Dog

Bulldog: I have no sense of decency. That way my other senses are enhanced.
Love Bites Dog

Bulldog: All those songs on the radio suddenly make sense to me. Have you ever listened to the words to "Time in A Bottle"? It is so beautiful, man, I had to pull over.
Roz: Oh my God, it's in love.
Bulldog: And last night, I actually said those three little words - "Stay for breakfast."
Love Bites Dog

Bulldog on Maxine: I gotta remember to pick her up one of those cute little French maid outfits on my way home from work.
Frasier: It's radio, Bulldog, she doesn't have to wear a costume.
Bulldog: Maybe here she doesn't.
Ham Radio

Frasier: And as what literary character will you be attending?
Bulldog: Waldo. From "Where's Waldo"! (Frasier looks stunned) He's like in 16 books! And you call yourself well-read!
Halloween

Bulldog's new job: It's that new all sports station. I got the breakfast slot. I even came up with a slogan, "Coffee, eggs and Bulldog."
Frasier: Sounds like some sort of Malaysian Happy Meal.
Good Grief

Bulldog: God, I didn't think I'd ever see this place again. It's like we're soldiers comin' back from the war. (He grabs a passing woman and kisses her; she slaps him) I'm home!
Roz, a Loan

Bulldog: Hey, baby, I'm sorry I had to skip out before breakfast.
Roz: Oh, Bulldog!
Frasier: Bulldog?
Roz: Bulldog.
Bulldog, triumphantly: Bulldog!
Shut out in Seattle

Roz: Oh God, oh God, oh God!
Bulldog: Gee, where have I heard that before?
Shut out in Seattle

Roz: Look, Bulldog, last night was a mistake. I'll regret it for the rest of my life, and if you ever bring it up again, I promise you you'll regret it.
Bulldog: Hey... (Kisses her passionately, she hits him but kisses him back) Your place tonight?
Roz: Ten o'clock. Use the service elevator.
Shut out in Seattle

Bulldog: Hey, love hurts, Roz. And I'm not talking about the time we fell off the kitchen table.
Shut out in Seattle

Bulldog, holding Alice: Hey, look at that smile, she likes me.
Roz: She's relieved not to be the least mature person in the room anymore.
The Dog that Rocks the Cradle

Bulldog: Listen up. If you go out with Roz tonight, I will rip off your arm, ram it down your throat, and use it to squeeze your heart until it stops beating. (To Alice) Hey, who's my pretty girl?
The Dog that Rocks the Cradle

Steve: Who are you?
Bulldog: I'm your worst nightmare: the babysitter.
The Dog that Rocks the Cradle

Roz: Do I look slutty?
Bulldog: If you're fishing for compliments, yeah, you look slutty.
The Dog that Rocks the Cradle

Roz: Peas? How did you get her to eat those?
Bulldog: There's a trick to it. You gotta pretend to sneeze 'em out of your nose.
Roz: How'd you come up with that?
Bulldog: It's an interesting story ...
Roz: Actually, don't tell me.
The Dog that Rocks the Cradle

Bulldog, seeing Roz's lingerie: Whoa, Victoria's Secret, page 39!
Roz: Why don't we just skip dinner and go straight for dessert?
Bulldog: Whoah, Penthouse Forum page 23!!
Roz: Are you the new pizza man? I hope you're not double-parked.
Bulldog: I promise you, ma'am, I will deliver in thirty minutes or more!
The Dog that Rocks the Cradle

Gilbert (Gil) Leslie Chesterton

Gil: You do the talking. I'll stand behind you and burn holes through her with my "Do you call this a hollandaise sauce?" glare.
She's the Boss

Daphne: Gil Chesterton, the restaurant critic! Oh, I just love those wicked things you say when the food is bad!
Gil, eating an hors d'oeuvre: Well, keep bringing these and you won't be disappointed!
Sleeping with the Enemy

Gil thinks the new owner is Greek: You can keep your overripe Camembert and malodorous Stilton, they can't compare with the salty insouciance of Greece's glorious Feta. It's not just for shepherds anymore! This is Gil Chesterton saying Bon Appetite, or as we say in Athens, Kali Orexi!
Where there's Smoke, there's Fired

Gil: Do you have any idea how vile her food is? The local racoons have posted warning signs on her trash cans.
Love Bites Dog

Gil: I'm dying!
Frasier: The man was gone.
Gil: Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey! (gives Frasier a "so there, nyah!" look)
Ham Radio

Frasier: Nigel Fairservice was shot again!
Gil: Only grazed me.
Ham Radio

Gil: Hi ho! I'm Nigel's brother Cedric. I haven't seen him since our boyhood in Surrey. We used to romp--
(Bang!)
Frasier: And so died the last surviving member of the Fairservice family.
Gil: Hello, I'm the ice cream man.
Ham Radio

Gil: Oh my! What a delectable medley of fromaggian splendour. You must try one.
Martin: Mmm... cheesy!
Gil: Mm, yes, cheesy. Le mot juste. It must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity & concision.
Martin: Yep.
Halloween

Gil: I'm the last of the Mohicans!
Martin: Oh. Well, the mystery's solved.
Halloween

Gil: I must confess, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
Roz: You didn't notice?! You of all people?
Gil: Just what are you insinuating?
Roz: Well, you know, you're a little... er...
Gil: For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
(Everyone is shocked.)
Frasier: You're... married?
Bulldog: To a woman?
Gil: Of course to a woman! You've all heard me mention Deb! Well, how often have I said, "I must be running along now, Deb'll be waiting"?
Roz: We thought Deb was your cat.
Gil: She is not a cat! She is Mrs Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop. Honestly, the conclusions people make just because a man dresses well and knows how to use a pastry bag!
Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.
The Perfect Guy

Gil: I hope you saved room for dessert!
Frasier: Have you been baking?
Gil: I have! Gingerbread men!
Frasier: Oh my! Don't they look... muscular!
The Fight Before Christmas

Gil: This is my last little man, I promise! (eating it) Mmm. Ooo, Gil, who are you kidding?
Frasier: No one, Gil.
The Fight Before Christmas

Roz, reading the nomination list: "Best Restaurant Critic: Gil Chesterton."
Gil: Oh, thank God, I'm nominated! Now I won't have to attend "The Chestertons."
Roz: "The Chestertons"?
Gil: It's an elaborate award show my wife and the dogs put on when I'm overlooked by the SeaBeas.
Frasier's Edge

Noel Shempsky

Noel: I had a great time last night. I made you this spice rack. I specially treated the back for easy wall adhesion.
Roz: Very thoughtful of you, Noel.
Noel: I gotta run. I'll call you later. Live long and prosper! (leaves)
Frasier: Look, there's a place for cumin! Most people overlook that!
Roz: Just kill me.
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast

Noel: The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one. James Tiberius Kirk, Captain, Starship Enterprise.
Frasier: Go away, you annoying little man.
Sleeping with the Enemy

Frasier: So who is our spokesperson - who is leading the charge?
Noel: I am - you wanna make something of it? Oh shoot, I smiled again!
Sleeping with the Enemy

Noel: Hi Dr Crane! Will you sign this petition someone anonymously posted in the lunchroom? "To the talented producers of Star Trek," suggesting a new character.
Frasier, reading: "The all-powerful space vixen Rozalinda, four-breasted queen of the planet Rozniak." I'll sign that.
The Last Time I saw Maris

Frasier on Noel: May I remind you this is the man required by law to stay at least 100 yards away from William Shatner?
The show where Woody shows up

Noel: Oh, I haven't seen that outfit before, set your phasers on 'stunning.'
The show where Woody shows up

Niles: I take it you had a whizz-bang time at the kareoke bar?
Frasier: For starters, Woody sang "What kind of fool am I?" It quickly turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet with "Anything you can do, I can do better." They were both wrong. I guess the highlight of the evening was when Gil, after one too many 'Que Royales', performed a haunting rendition of "I feel pretty", during the latter verses of which, Noel joined him on the apron of the stage and translated into Klingon.
The show where Woody shows up

Noel: With me, nothing much has changed. Still living with my mom, still working on that Klingon to English dictionary.
Frasier: Noel, how do you say goodbye in Klingon?
Noel: Oh, it depends. If you're talking to a superior officer--
Frasier: Noel!
Noel: Krish-krush.
Roz, A Loan

Noel: I should warn you Lady Luck is on my side tonight. The last guy who rented this tux left a perfectly good comb in the pocket.
IQ

Kenny

Kenny: Okay, everyone, it's show time. The new station owner's on his way down. So look alive! Watch what you say, watch what you don't say. Don't say too much, don't say too little. What the hell's this thermostat set at, anyway?!
The Great Crane Robbery

Kenny, to Frasier, then to Roz: You got a show, you got a show - I don't know who to kiss up to anymore!
Roz: You don't have to kiss up to anyone.
Kenny: I wish I didn't.
Docudrama

Kenny: Every time I'm in one of those places I start thinking about... you know... man and wife stuff. I turn all red, I start to sweat, I hyperventilate. Try getting somebody to wait on you when you look like that.
Roz: Well, sorry, Kenny, but I am not going to Victoria's Secret for you.
Kenny: Victoria's Secret? Whoa, whoa, Rockefeller, I'm talking K-Mart!
The Return of Martin Crane

Minor Characters - KACL Staff

Chopper Dave: NICE TO MEET YOU NILES!
Niles: Why is this man yelling?
Dave: Oh, was I yelling? Oh God, I was yelling again, wasn't I? I'm sorry, talking over the blades, you know? Whoomp whoomp whoomp whoomp whoomp whoomp!
Oops!

Roz: I didn't get any sleep because of that idiot Chopper Dave. When he gets bored doing traffic reports he likes to buzz people's apartments in his helicopter.
The Candidate