Focus on Maris Crane

Surprise! This page contains no actual Maris quotes. If I can ever get any, believe me, this will be the first place they will go!

Niles: I thought you liked my Maris!
Frasier: I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth.
The Good Son

Niles: In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. Of course, I knew then and there that dinner was not to be.
Dinner at Eight

Niles: Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier! I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.
Dinner at Eight

Martin: There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.
Niles: This aroma's triggering a sense memory. Something familiar. It's ... oh, of course, Maris in her home tanning bed.
Dinner at Eight

Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier, just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.
Frasier: You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?
Niles: She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?
I Hate Frasier Crane

Aunt Patrice: Well, I came to see Maris, but the poor thing's taken to her bed again. To this day I have no idea how tall she is.
Here's Looking at You

Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.
The Crucible

Niles: Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video - I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat - her room, as you know, is across the hall!
Selling Out

Niles: Daphne, I have a fervent hope that you can coax this [plant] back to life. It's one of Maris' favourites.
Daphne: My goodness! What did she do to it?
Niles: Nothing, just .. loved it.
Oops!

Niles: She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Daphne: Oh dear... Did a plane almost crash?
Niles: No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.
Can't Buy me Love

Niles: The picture of you trying to make conversation with dad's blue collar cronies all evening is priceless. When I told Maris about it, it was all she could do to keep her eyes from dancing.
You Can't tell a Crook by his Cover

Niles: At our wedding, while Maris was reciting her vows, which she wrote herself — vows of love from the heart — I distinctly heard snickering. I glanced behind me and there was Lilith, her fingers pressed hard against her lips, her body shaking like a paint mixer.
The Show where Lilith comes Back

Lilith: I thought perhaps she was "sailing up the transplendant river of your love."
The Show where Lilith Comes Back

Niles: The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey numbing blandness.
Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit?
Niles: You mean, boudoir wise?
Frasier: For starters, yep!
Niles: Like how?
Frasier: Well, the two of you could, well you could, well it's you and Maris so you could.... I'm stumped.
A Midwinter Night's Dream

Niles, dressed as a pirate: Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris, with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then, I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me.
Martin: Dressed like that?
Niles: Actually, no, at the time, I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, is it technically still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your...
Frasier: Stop!
Niles: There I was lying in wait, with my little plastic knife clenched between my teeth, when the closet door was flung open and I found myself face to face with the upstairs maid. She began screaming what I gather were some very unflattering things in idiomatic Guatamalan, when Maris came upon the scene and completely misconstrued it. The next thing I knew she was throwing me out of the house. I barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash.
A Midwinter Night's Dream

Daphne: I must say, you have a beautiful home.
Niles: Thank you. Actually, it was in Maris' family for four generations. When I was an mere intern I used to drive through these hills, never dreaming that one day I'd live in one of these great mansions. Then one afternoon, there was Maris, looking so helpless, banging on the gates with her little fists and a tire iron.
Daphne: They locked her in?
Niles: No, no, that was much later. No, this time she was returning from the Antique-Mart with a rare bell jar once owned by Sylvia Plath, when the gates failed to open. Well, naturally, I stopped to offer my assistance. And as our hands touched there was a sudden spark of electricity, then as if by magic the gates parted before us and we took it as a sign.
Daphne: You knew you were meant to be together.
Niles: Yes, we were married just three short years later.
A Midwinter Night's Dream

Niles: Just remember that she can't have shellfish... poultry, red meat, staturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfates, MSG or herring. Did I say nuts?
Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied.
A Midwinter Night's Dream

Niles: Love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting and passionate, sometimes it's ... something else. Something comfortable and familiar. That newly exfoliated little face staring up at you across the breakfast table, sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white after labour day.
A Midwinter Night's Dream

Frasier: Where's Maris?
Niles: Well, we were just getting ready to leave the house when Maris caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror--
Frasier: Niles - at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?
Niles: I did.
Frasier: Well then, let's just skip it.
And the Whimper is...

Niles, referring to his father's chair: At least I don't have to live with something unattractive.
Frasier gives him a look, and Niles is insulted.
Give Him the Chair!

Niles: Maris is the soul of generosity. Why, just last week she donated all her old cocktail dresses to a homeless shelter.
Give Him the Chair!

Niles: I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris' luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a sky cap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.
Travels with Martin

Niles: She's making her annual pilgrimage to the holy land.
Martin: I thought she was going to Dallas to visit her sister?
Niles: That is her holy land. It's the site of the first Neman Marcus.
Travels with Martin

Niles, on the phone: Calm down, dear, calm down. Listen. Take a left, then the second right, then a left again. Okay. Okay, goodbye, sweetheart. (Hangs up)
Frasier: Maris got lost again?
Niles: Yes, she wandered into the kitchen by mistake. I had to talk her back to the living room.
My Coffee with Niles

Niles describing the new Zen garden: Oh it's beautiful, it's the perfect place for meditation. Yesterday, I found Maris smack-dab in the middle sitting in the lotus position.
Frasier: Well, good for her, apparently it's bringing out her spiritual side.
Niles: I'm not sure; she was reading a Danielle Steel novel and making a nail appointment on her cellular phone.
My Coffee with Niles

Niles: It doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Iseult. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together, me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp, not a word spoken between us, and be perfectly content.
Frasier: I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.
My Coffee with Niles

Martin: She hasn't taken up horse back riding, has she?
Niles: No, no, she wanted to but unfortunately her little quadracepts are so tight she's incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie.
Slow Tango in South Seattle

Niles: Maris is reading "Slow Tango In South Seattle." I think it's put thoughts in her head. This morning I found her cooing over the college student who skims the koi pond.
Martin: I wouldn't concern myself.
Niles: Do you think it's just innocent flirting?
Martin: No, I just wouldn't concern myself.
Slow Tango in South Seattle

Niles: Hope you don't mind my stopping by, but Maris is hosting the women's league senior yoga group and... old money and body stockings.
The Unkindest Cut of All

Niles: I think I'd like to go home now and hold my wife. That is, if she'll let me.
The Unkindest Cut of All

Frasier: Have you talked this over with Maris yet?
Niles: Not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.
Flour Child

Frasier: Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an air-tight container. It seems this one's taking after its mother.
Flour Child

Niles: Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen.
Frasier: I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.
Flour Child

Niles: Oh, bless her busy little heart, she's cornered Lydia Beaumont, head of the museum board. Maris has been angling to get on that board for years.
Martin: It looks like Lydia's getting away.
Niles: Oh, yes, the old 'freshen the drink' ploy. Poor old Lydia has no idea with whom she's dealing. That's right, Maris, chug that sherry, on with the chase! There she goes, she's gaining, she's gaining, she's coming round the ice sculpture, it's Mrs. Beaumont and Maris, Mrs. Beaumont and Maris, and... Yes! They meet again!
The Botched Language of Cranes

Daphne: You know, when I was younger, I dreamed of being a ballerina meself.
Niles: So did Maris. The poor thing could never get her weight up enough.
Adventures in Paradise

Frasier: There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some excercise, and a personality.
Burying A Grudge

Niles: Poor Maris, she's so worried - she hasn't had much hospital experience, except for the usual childhood things - tonsils, adenoids, force-feeding.
Daphne: What's wrong with Mrs Crane?
Niles: Oh, it's nothing serious. Cosmetic surgury. Her chin. Her lips, her cheeks, her eyelids...
Martin: Maybe it'd be faster if you just told us what she's leaving alone.
Burying A Grudge

Niles: Yes, Maris, I'm sure. No, no, you can't gain weight from a glucose I.V. No, no, my little worrywart, there's no such thing as a Nutrasweet drip.
Burying A Grudge

Niles: If anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.
Frasier: Why?
Niles: Maris' doctor thinks it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible, so I slipped a pearl-handled revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall.
Burying A Grudge

Niles, trying to bribe nurses: Excuse me, do you work on my wife's floor, Mrs Maris Crane?
Nurse, looking suspicious: Yes, I do.
Niles: I'd like you to have these chocolates.
Nurse: I'm on the night shift.
Niles: And this lovely watch.
Burying A Grudge

Niles: Maris is unable to have pets. She distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.
Roz in the Doghouse

Niles: My wife Maris has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.
The Candidate

Frasier: There, there, Niles. Soon you'll be home with Maris and you'll forget you were anywhere near a beautiful woman today.
Fool me Once

Niles: Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry, I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment.
Martin: Well when your mother'd get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss which made her glad she was a woman!
Niles: I can't do that with Maris, she has an abnormally rigid vertebrae, she'd snap like a twig!
Frasier: Let me guess, Maris has moved into the east wing again?
Niles: Sunday was her 40th birthday. She said in no uncertain terms she wanted no acknowledgement of it whatsoever, and, in a moment I live over and over in my dreams, I believed her.
Frasier: What? No gifts? No party? No nothing?
Niles: Say that weeping into an ermine lap robe and you've got her down perfectly.
Martin: Oh, why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume.
Niles: She gets hives.
Martin: How about candy?
Niles: Hypoglycaemic.
Martin: Just get her a dozen roses.
Niles: Allergic.
Frasier: Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk, tell it was a mistake. We all noticed she's a bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first time she's turned forty.
Daphne's Room

Niles: That's enough excitement for one evening, I'm going home to Maris.
Frasier: I thought she wasn't speaking to you.
Niles: She's not, but she grows weary of being frosty to the help.
Daphne's Room

Daphne: Say hello to your wife.
Niles: I'll certainly try.
Daphne's Room

Niles: I told Maris about your troubles - all she does is sulk and talk about bodyguards. "Why don't we need one? Aren't we important enough to be stalked? I have no idea what to say to the poor woman.
Martin: Tell her to just go on being herself and her day will come.
Someone to Watch Over Me

Niles: After you've seen Maris's interpretive dance group perform "Afternoon of a Faun" in the east garden, the wilderness holds no terror.
Breaking the Ice

Frasier: Well, I mean, you know that Maris loves you, right? But it's still nice to hear it.
Niles: I imagine it would be, but let's stick to attainable goals.
Breaking the Ice

Niles: She's already flown in a sculpter from Sweeden to capture her likeness in ice.
Frasier: Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!
Our Father whose art ain't heaven

Niles: She's pushed me around long enough. Metaphorically of course. In reality she can hardly push at all. Like that terrible afternoon last spring she spent trapped in the revolving doors at Bergdorf's!
Our father, whose art ain't heaven

Niles: Thanks to Maris, I'm down to three confirmed guests.
Frasier: Three? Yesterday it was twelve.
Niles: She's circulating a vicious rumour that I'm going to have a karioke machine.
Our Father, whose Art Ain't Heaven

Niles on the phone: The only people lower than you are the fickle paramesia who deserted my party to attend yours. Uh huh? Oh. I see. Yes. I'll see you at eight. Can I bring anything?
Frasier: Thank God for the starch in that shirt, or there'd be nothing holding you upright.
Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven

Niles: Frasier, I no longer require your punch bowl, but may I borrow your blow dryer?
Frasier: Yes, why?
Niles: Sven just finished Maris' ice sculpture, and she's convinced she looks a bit "hippy."
Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven

Niles: I'm reminded of Maris' brief flirtation with activewear, when I assured her, "You look fine, dear - Spandex is supposed to blouse!
Liar, Liar!

Frasier: Will Maris be joining us?
Niles: Sadly, no. She had a bad experience there one Christmas Eve. An Italian soccer team was sitting at the next table, Maris announced she was in the mood for a goose, and, perhaps inevitably, tragedy ensued.
The Innkeepers

Niles: It's time I braved the dark streets and got back to my Maris. I just hope it isn't like the lightning storm last month. The only way I could coax her out from under the bed was by tying a Prozac to the end of a string.
Dark Victory

Niles: This isn't fair. Maris' mother gave her a gun.
Martin: Well then, Maris' mother can clean up the mess after she accidentally blows your brains out.
Niles: Dad, now you're talking nonsense. Maris' mother has never cleaned anything in her life.
She's the Boss

Niles: You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion, I happen to have one at the house. Last year a disgruntled servant left one on Maris' dining room chair. Fortunately, for all of us, embarassment was averted when my little fawn proved too light to activate it.
Leaping Lizards

Niles: I know about addiction. It's the exact same look Maris used to get during the cough syrup years.
Where there's Smoke there's Fired

Niles: There is no greater friend to the working man than my own Maris. Remember when our stable boy Faqueems' appendix burst? She had him driven back to the border at her own personal expense.
Sleeping with the Enemy

Niles: Maris found a grey hair.
Martin: Daphne, get Niles a brandy.
Niles: It was right at the apex of her widow's peak.
Martin: Better bring the bottle!
Niles: She blames me, Dad. She said it's from the stress I caused her last night when I thoughtlessly turned on the light while she was getting undressed.
Sleeping with the Enemy

Niles: Of course, it's been no picnic for those of us who share your name. My Maris took it particularly hard. When I left this morning, she was ordering new stationery with an accent aigu over the 'e' in our name. Hereafter, her memos will read 'From the desk of Maris Crané' [Crah-nay].
The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl

Frasier: You have a bowling bag?
Niles: Yes, Maris and I have taken to giving each other gag gifts. I gave her a cookbook.
Kisses Sweeter than Wine

Why Maris doesn't dance:
Niles: Maris dislikes public displays of rhythm.
Moon Dance

Frasier: She's been missing for three days and you're only just panic-stricken now?
Niles: I only just realized it. The last two nights I knocked on Maris' bedroom door to greet her goodnight, and was greeted with a chilly silence, so naturally I assumed everything was status quo.
The Last Time I saw Maris

Martin: Uh, thin. Make that very thin. Caucasian. Very Caucasian.
The Last Time I saw Maris

Martin: Mike ran a check on Maris' credit cards. Thre's been a whole bunch of charges in New York.
Niles: Oh God, she's been kidnapped. Someone's using her credit cards.
Martin, on the phone: Yeah, okay, yeah, all right, slow down. Armani... Valentino... Cartier... Tiffany...
Niles: Any restaurants?
Martin: Any restaurants? (to Niles) Not a one.
Niles: She's aliiive!!
The Last Time I saw Maris

Niles: I am calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit cards, and my bank account... and my phone service. (Hangs up.)
Frasier Grinch

Niles on why he doesn't like horsetracks: It's the jockeys, if you must know. Diminuitive, underweight figures in expensive silks wielding riding crops just remind me too much of Maris.
The Friend

Daphne: Dr Crane, look, she's just standing there barely touching him, with only the tiniest bit of a smile on her face.
Niles: I know. You can practically hear the zing-zing-zing of her heart strings.
Moon Dance

Niles: She never liked going anywhere alone, except to bed.
Moon Dance

Diane: She had just eaten everyone's sorbet and then she had to lie down in the ladies' room while the coat check girl massaged her abdomen. Oh dear. I hope I haven't put my foot in it. You and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you?
Niles: No, can't say as we did.
The Show where Diane comes back

Niles: When the police ran her name through the computer they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets!
Frasier: What else do you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space?
A Word to the Wiseguy

Daphne: What a horrible thing to happen. Can you picture poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell!
Frasier: Only if they moved the bars closer together.
A Word to the Wiseguy

Niles: When Maris asked me for this favour, do you know what she said? She said, "Niles, will you be my commodore?"
Frasier: Her commodore?
Niles: That's what she used to call her father. Frasier, there was no problem so great that that man couldn't fix it.
Frasier: I'm sure.
Niles: Remember that lovely jewelled crucifix Maris picked up on her first communion trip to Rome? Who do you think smoothed things over with the Vatican?
A Word to the Wiseguy

Niles: Maris, it's all taken care of. What did you say? No, I've just never heard those words before. You're welcome.
A Word to the Wiseguy

Jerome: Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
Frasier: Oh yes. She's ounces of fun.
A Word to the Wiseguy

Niles: When she says "get together," she means in the "You wear the creme fraise, I'll lick it off" sense. She's cleared her schedule from 7:00 to 7:30. That means foreplay and cuddling!
Martin: Niles, remember when you were a kid and we wouldn't discuss the Cuban Missile crisis in front of you because we knew it would give you bad dreams?
Niles: Yes.
Martin: It's a two-way street.
Look Before you Leap

Frasier: I suppose it stands to reason being showered with coldness would only bring Maris more to mind.
Look Before you Leap

Niles: Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.
Frasier: No wonder. The king is stationary while the queen has all the power.
Chess Pains

Niles: I can't explain it. I'm not a dog person, but there's something about this breed I find comforting and familiar. Mystifying, isn't it?
Frasier: Mmm, baffling.
Chess Pains

Niles: She ran, I tried to follow her tracks in the snow... but alas, she made none.
Frasier Loves Roz

Frasier on Niles' dog: She is high-strung, cold to the touch and ignores you. My God, stand her upright, take ten pounds off her, put her in a Chennil suit and whaddya got?
To Kill a Talking Bird

Niles, about to introduce the bird: She's very exotic, she only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.
Martin: Geez, I'm gettin' nervous - that's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!
To Kill a Talking Bird

Niles: Maris never held hands, she had a slight webbing which made her self-conscious.
Daphne Hates Sherry

Frasier: I remember her struggle to lose that holiday pound.
Are you Being Served?

Niles: I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbour children discovered our electric fence.
Are you Being Served?

Frasier: Remember why you left Maris in the first place - you were tired of grovelling.
Niles: Yes, but I'm rested now.
Are you Being Served?

Frasier: What if Maris is out of pills?
Niles, laughing: Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.
Are you Being Served?

Niles: She's had me completely painted out! I don't know if I can take much more of this.
Frasier: In that case, I wouldn't look too closely at the face of that skunk in the flower bed.
Are you Being Served?

Frasier: If you choose, you never have to see Maris again.
Niles: Oh please. Half the time I couldn't see her when she was standing right in front of me.
Are You Being Served?

Frasier: I just can't picture Maris in Dad's 82 Impala.
Niles: Neither could she at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap... and dirty... and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.
Frasier: Yes, I remember the way you used to carry your inhaler around rolled up in the sleeve of your T-shirt.
Odd Man Out

Niles: Everyone kisses better than Maris!
The Gift Horse

Niles on The Barracuda: Maris was a big fan of his. That was the one dance she could do. The Hussy was too strenuous, she had no booty to shake, but her fetchy little underbite was just perfect for the Barracuda.
The Voyage of the Damned

Niles, after having a second drink thrown in his face by a waiter: Just out of curiosity, how much are these running her?
The Voyage of the Damned

Roz: Wow. Do you think she's really planning to "do the Barracuda"?
The Voyage of the Damned

Roz: I'm kind of curious to meet her - you know, in all these years, I've never seen her face.
Frasier: Well, I haven't seen her most recent one, so this'll be a new experience for both of us!
The Voyage of the Damned

Roz, peeking through the keyhole: I see her coat on a hat rack.
Frasier: Look closer. Is the hat rack moving?
Roz, horrified: Oh my God!!
The Voyage of the Damned

Niles: Count to ten, and then scram, so Maris and I can celebrate the way a man and his wife were meant to. Oh, damn. She started without me.
Martin, Roz, Frasier: Ewwww!!
Niles: Drinking the champagne.
Martin, Roz, Frasier: Ohhh!
The Voyage of the Damned

Niles: I gave Maris her birthday saddle. She was so thrilled she treated me to a little Lady Godiva impression.
Frasier: Oh, my!
Niles: Apparently the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream and created a powerful epoxy.
Frasier: Oh, dear!
Niles: Yes, it took an hour and a full bottle of nail polish remover to get her free. Today her poor little thighs were so sore the only way she could find comfort was to straddle a frozen butterball turkey.
Where every Bloke knows your Name

Niles: I've never seen her look so seductive. She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings, which she tends to avoid as they make her head droop. She pulled me down upon the bed and began playing my spine like a zither.
The Zoo Story

Niles: One hour of passion can sustain her for months. She stores it up like some sexual camel.
Zoo Story

Niles: He [the marriage counsellor] asked her to refrain from catalogue shopping during our sessions.
The Zoo Story

Niles: Maris and I are back on the expressway to love! Well, if not the expressway at least the on-ramp.
The Maris Counsellor

Niles: They're in love, they plan to get married!
Frasier: He told you that?
Niles: Mmm-hmm. And she confirmed it when she walked in - once she'd stopped shrieking and we'd coaxed her down off the canopy.
The Maris Counsellor

Niles: Well, I reached the front gate and I was just about to ring the doorbell to ask her to let me in, when it suddenly dawned on me how many hours I have spent pleading with that woman through gates, through windows, through key holes, and through transoms and... in one disastrous instance, through the pet door.
The Maris Counsellor

Shenkeman: I've never known a woman so warm, so nuturing, so unselfish!
Niles, after a pause: Is it possible that this is all a case of mistaken identity?
The Maris Counsellor

Niles: Fifteen years with Maris and I end up in bed with her lover.
Martin: Sheez, I didn't need to hear that.
Niles: It was an accident, it was pitch black, I thought he was Maris.
Frasier: A natural mistake. What tipped you off?
Niles: The heat from her side of the bed.
The Maris Counsellor

Niles: When we were courting, I sent Maris a valentine that said, "You're the gal my heart adores, everything I have is yours." Now they're calling it a prenup.
The Ski Lodge

Niles discussing celery: Maris used to like to have it around in case she felt like binging.
First Date

Niles: It's at the Seattle kennel club tomorrow, and I can't go alone, Maris will be there.
Frasier: And in what class with Maris be showing?
Niles: She'll be showing no class.
Roz & the Schnoz

Frasier: You fell asleep with your cheek right against the ice tray!
Niles: Oh, that's so strange. I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris.
Room Service

Niles: I understand one of the members is going to show an old film he made of the rare and endangered species found only in the rain forest. Maris would have loved it.
Frasier: Oh, why so?
Niles: She had shoes made from almost all of them.
Party, Party

Waitress: She was very well-dressed and really really thin.
Niles: That could be a lot of people.
Waitress: Yeah, she just dropped off the gift and then she ordered a whole milk mocha with whipped cream and chocolate shavings.
Niles: Well, that's not her!
Waitress: Well, it was really weird though - she just took a really long whiff of it and then handed it back.
Niles begins to whimper.
Secret Admirer

Niles: "Roses are red, your heart is fickle. When I'm through with you, all you'll have left is this nickel."
Martin: Oh, no.
Niles: Oh, God, she's going to ruin me.
Frasier: No, no, Niles, maybe she's bluffing. You know, once she's signed the financial settlement...
Niles, picking up the shredded paper: She's not bluffing. This is the financial settlement.
Secret Admirer

Niles: Life with Maris wasn't so bad. It was my fault after all. I was too rigid! I was always making demands. "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"
How to Bury a Millionaire

Niles demonstrating the Clapper lamp: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. It works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. The only problem was, the poor thing could never clap hard enough to activate it.
The Seal who came to dinner

Niles on Maris: She was deliberally taunting me. Playing the same cocketish games we used to play in restaurants: batting her eyes and coyly hiding behind her breadstick.
Taps at the Montana

Niles: Maris' lawyers had my credit limit reduced. It's been so bad, this week when I went to the cheese shop for their "Around the World" platter, they cut me off at Luxemburg.
Good Samaritan

Niles: She's calling me wasteful?! Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?
Frasier: Yes, she'd fill the bath tub with Evian!
Niles: Half the time she'd just get a new dog!
To Tell the Truth

Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins. Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the "Shangri-La" and drives a hatchback!
To Tell the Truth

Frasier: Listen to me. The only reason that marriage lasted as long as it did was because of the effort that you put into it, from the moment that you slipped that ring onto her bony little finger and it slipped right off again!
To Tell the Truth

Niles: Well, what are you talking about? If her family money didn't come from timber, then where did it come from? (Donny hands him a document) Urinal cakes?! I don't believe this, all these years; the doyen of Seattle's elite looking down her nose at everyone in sight, she owes it all to this - she's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it too!
To Tell the Truth

Niles: No, that's all right Marta, she doesn't have to come to the phone. Just give her this message: "I've flushed out her family secret." ... Heeelloooooo, Maris!
To Tell the Truth

Niles: They are such a charming couple. They remind me of Maris and me when we were happy.
Frasier: Really. I must have been sick that day.
Dinner Party

Niles: I'm having lunch with Maris.
Martin: With Maris?
Niles: Yeah. We scheduled this weeks ago. She still has some of my first editions, and I thought she might be more amenable to returning them if I took her to her favorite bistro.
Frasier: Oh, well then, the worst you're out is a cup of clear broth.
Niles: No, this is lunch. She takes her large meal in the evening.
Shut out in Seattle

Frasier: You know, Dad, he is broken-hearted. People in his condition have a tendency to run back to their exes. A lonely man clinging to an available warm body. Well, of course, in Maris's case that's just an expression.
Martin: Now stop that, you're scaring me. He doesn't have to be with Maris. Maybe he's hurt, maybe he's in the hospital or something.
Shut Out in Seattle

Niles, referring to plastic surgery: I gave it to her as a gift one year for our anniversary.
Frasier: Probably the tenth - that's toxins, isn't it?
The Late Dr Crane

Frasier: It really is outrageous what these scalpel jockeys get away with - convincing women like Maris to spend fortunes on the exterior, when frankly what they need is to take a good look at the woman inside.
Niles: Well, she did have one chemical peel where you could see her kidneys.
The Late Dr Crane

Frasier: Maris never let you cook for her.
Niles: That's true. The closest I ever got was restocking the pills in her bedside Lazy Susan.
Big Crane on Campus

Roz: Big deal. So she's overweight. You don't need to point it out. It's rude.
Frasier: It's childish.
Niles: It's Maris!
To Thine Old Self Be True

Frasier: It's hard to believe that's the same woman who once sprained her wrist from having too much dip on a cracker.
To Thine Old Self Be True

Niles: It's Maris! At least, I think it is - you need a bigger peephole.
To Thine Old Self Be True

Martin: I'll have to spend [Thanksgiving] with Maris and Niles. Last time she didn't even eat anything, she just sucked air through a rice cake.
The Return of Martin Crane