Daphne: Me grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be ninety-three.
Martin: Really?
Daphne: He'd lie there on the sofa, and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say "He'd might as well be a dead man." Then, of course, one day, we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks she'd keep insisting "He's napping, he's napping".
Call me Irresponsible

Daphne: Working down at the docks has always been a tradition for us Moons. Me father worked on the docks, and me grandfather before him. All me brothers do. Well, except for me brother Billy. He came home one day, and announced he hated the smell of fish and was going to teach ballroom dancing. And he did. And he does. He's me mum's favourite. Dad mostly flicks the crust off his kidney pie at him.
Martin: How long do I have to do this?
Daphne: Be patient. You don't want to go through life dragging your leg behind you like a dead tree branch.
Martin: I'm talking about listening to your family's history.
Beloved Infidel

Daphne: Well, I must confess, there is a chapter of my life I haven't told you or your father about. Back when I was twelve, I starred in a television show in England. Well, I'll leave you to your business...
Frasier: Daphne, Daphne, just get back here. You what?
Daphne: I starred in a TV series. It was quite popular in its day, maybe you've heard of it? "Mind Your Knickers"? It was about a group of high spirited, ethnically diverse twelve-year-olds in a girls private boarding school. I played Emma, the short spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen, five foot ten, and they had me boosies bound up tighter than a mummy. Well I'm off.
Frasier: The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding leaf after another.
Selling Out

Daphne: I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Fransisco to be with him.
Martin: Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of year, it's more traditional.
Daphne: Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bit long in the tooth for it if you ask me. Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.
Miracle on Third or Fourth Street

Daphne on Grammy moon's sticky buns: Grammy made these every Sunday. 'Course she added a pint of rum to the recipe. And nobody liked these more than Grammy herself. Many's the Sunday I'd head over to her house after church, only to find her out in the garden in a wedding dress, face down in the bird bath.
Guess who's coming to Breakfast

Daphne, playing pool and sinking balls as she speaks: I never really have understood this game. Never understood it, when I started playing with me older brothers, at the age of six. And I never understood it during all my formative years, spent mostly in the pool halls of Manchester. Playing in local competitions and club tournaments. Winning cup after cup after cup. Until our poor dad had to convert the pantry into a trophy room. And I can't really claim to understand it - 8 ball in far corner - even today. But I certainly do enjoy it. Thank you, gentlemen. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to attempt to use the ladies' room, without touching anything.
You can't tell a crook by his cover

Daphne: I'm a very good nurse. I mended all me brothers' soccer injuries.
Frasier: Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer.
Daphne: Neither did me hooligan brothers. Mostly they got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen in the stands.
Frasier Crane's Day Off

Daphne: I can't wait to see what kinds of dreams I have after all this talk about child-bearing. Probably that one where my mother shows up and says, "Well, Daphne, you're fifty now and you've never given me grandchildren". Then I say, "That was my choice to make, Mum, I was thinking of my career". "Oh sure, your career, but did you ever think of me?" "Mother, I don't want to start this again, just drop it." "But will she..." "Oh, shut up mother!" "Don't talk to me like that, young lady!"
Frasier: I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her?
Flour Child

Daphne: My uncle was a political writer for one of those London tabloids. I can still remember his biggest scoop. The headline read, "High Ranking Politician caught wearing women's clothing." Of course you turned to page two and you found out it was Margaret Thatcher, but by then you'd already bought the paper.
The Candidate

Daphne: My brothers couldn't stand taking orders from me. I was forever telling them, "Billy, clean your room," "Reginald, get your elbow out of the gravy," "Nigel, take that thing back to the hospital, the whole house is full of flies!"
She's the Boss

Daphne: I remember when Grammy Moon passed on. My brothers had been off on a three day bender. They couldn't even stand on their own - pissed as newts! But they crawled to that chapel on their hands and knees.
Frasier: Very commendable.
Daphne: Yeah, well, they had an obligation. They were the pallbearers.
Martin does it his way

Daphne: I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag. Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready. You know, to this day, the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit.
Frasier Grinch

Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, when one of my brothers would lose a soccer match, he'd be all blue and in the dumps. But I could get him to laugh. I'd make a little puppet like so. (Puts a sock on her hand) "Hello, Daphne, What's shaking?" Oh, hello, Freddy. My friend Dr. Crane here forgot his happy pants! "Oh, no! What should I do?" Would you sing for him? "I'd love to. Who's that grouchy gus I see? You can't be grouchy, not with me! Sing along, Doc! Who's that grouchy gus I see?"
Chess Pains

Daphne: My great-aunt Beryl lived well into her nineties, and her mind never failed her. Of course, she lost her eyesight in her seventies, and her balance in her eighties. By the end we spent most of our time propping her up or putting another bandage on her forehead. Oh, but bless her heart. She could always tell you just how it happened.
Crane vs. Crane

Daphne on her grandfather: He'd take out his teeth with the cigar still in them, and chase us around the room, and we'd all laugh and laugh... then suddenly Grandpa's mood would change and we'd all have to run for our lives. You can't buy memories like that.
Adventures in Paradise

Daphne: This whole thing reminds me of when I first moved to London. I was very mistrusting of people back then. I was convinced the way to stay out of harm's way was to walk straight with me eyes cast down, never meeting anyone's glance. But, finally, I decided that was no way to live. So one day, I just lifted up my chin and took it all in. Well, the change was amazing. There were sights I'd never seen, sounds I'd never heard. A tiny old man came up to me with a note in his hand. He needed help. I realized this was no city full of thieves and muggers. There were people here who needed me. I took his note, read it, and to this day, I can remember just what I said to that man: "That's not how you spell fellatio."
Fool me Once, Shame on You

Daphne: It was a filthy little rite of passage for the Moon boys - when they reached a certain age, they'd sneak into the bathroom and peek at me in the shower.
Frasier: Oh dear God. All eight of them?
Daphne: Well, except for me brother Billy, the ballroom dancer. He never peeked at me. Though he did peek at me brother Nigel.
Daphne's Room

Daphne: Well, we mostly call our body parts by their rightful name. Except me uncle Harold. He named parts of his anatomy after the royal family. He walked on the Queen's pins, he sat on the Duchess of Kent. He was quite a jolly fellow. That is, until Aunt Kate caught him introducing the Prince of Wales to a cocktail waitress.
The Club

Frasier: Did he just say "I love you" to the dog?
Daphne: Oh, that's nothing. I had an aunt who used to say "good night, Mr. Vanderpump" to a hat rack.
Breaking the Ice

Daphne: I've decided to make Grammy Moon's Sheeps' Head Soup. Don't worry, the name's a bit misleading. It's actually more of a stew.
Our Father whose Art ain't Heaven

Daphne: I did my fair share of fibbing too. I once told me school chums I was born with a tiny embryonic twin attached to my hip. Of course they were horrified and it didn’t help my social life at all. But for a while there it was nice having a sister.
Liar, Liar

Daphne: Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on the H.M.S. Bounty?
Martin: No kidding.
Daphne: Yeah, from what we could gather, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island, where he was quite fruitful and multiplied. You know, for all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, all brown-skinned and bare-breasted.
An Affair to Forget

Daphne: Well, in our family, we certainly knew the meaning of conscience. That's what my dad called his wooden paddle.
Niles: Oh, how awful for you!
Daphne: Oh, for my brothers, yes. But I knew he'd never use it on me, as long as I was always good. As long as I was always polite. As long as I always had a smile on my face no matter how I felt inside! As long as I was always ready to wait on all the men, hand and foot, day and night, year in, year out! ... More coffee, anyone?
Bad Dog

Daphne: When I was a little girl, I hated the rain - stuck inside, couldn't go out and play. But my mum would always say, "Enjoy it while you can - there'll be no water in hell." 'Course, that was her answer for everything. "Eat your veggies - there'll be no brussel sprouts in hell. Have a lie down, there'll be no naps in hell."
Frasier: Daphne, I am a therapist - would you like to talk about this sometime?
Daphne: About what?
Frasier: Nothing.
The Voyage of the Damned

Daphne talks about her brothers: Everything was a contest - who could run the fastest, jump the highest... they even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack, and see who could bowl him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game, until that year the spring thaw set in early, and poor Michael went right through the ice! Ooh, they caught hell for that one. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried, til they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy. Then when he got five quid for it, why, it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them.
IQ

Daphne: Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say...
Martin: What are you trying to do, kill him?
Good Grief

Daphne: I suppose fathers are the same everywhere. Mine couldn't bear to see us fight. If there was so much as a peep out of us, he'd be out the door to the pub. Stay for a few hours, sometimes overnight. Then, when they brought him back the next morning, we couldn't fight because of his headaches. I suppose that was part of his plan to keep harmony in the family. God bless him.
Secret Admirer

Daphne: I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my makeup for the wedding.
Frasier: I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very lifelike."
The Dog that Rocks the Cradle

Daphne's Mom: We were starting to think our Daphne would never find herself a young man. (She looks at Donny) And I see she hasn't.
Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

Daphne on her mom: I was worried she'd be in one of her dark moods.
Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

Simon Moon

Simon: It's nice to meet you all, especially whichever one's the bartender.
Roz: That would be me.
Dark Side of the Moon

Simon: It was an especially good time for me to get out of England.
Roz: God! He talks just like a prince!
Dark Side of the Moon

Simon: I once slept on a couch for three months before I even realized it pulled out.
Dark Side of the Moon

Frasier: Daphne!! Your brother is in my bed, nuuuuude!!
Dark Side of the Moon

Simon: I think I'm coming down with a cold.
Frasier: Nothing another night of drinking won't cure, I'm sure.
Simon: Well, let's hope.
Dark Side of the Moon

Martin on Simon: He's a great story-teller. Is it true you wet your pants the first time you saw a Chinese person?
Daphne: He told you that??
Martin: Oh, he's gonna kill me. He was going to try to work it into his wedding toast.
Dark Side of the Moon

Frasier: It seems I've caught a cold from someone.
Simon: Well, you might have mentioned that before I took a nap in your bed.
Dark Side of the Moon

Simon: These friends I went to surprise were out of town, so I decided to house-sit for them, which was lovely - til they came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was about - I was the one in the tub!
Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

Simon: I think I know everybody here... or do I? What would your name be then, Miss?
Roz, disgusted: Simon, you low-life idiot. You made a date with me last week and you stood me up.
Simon: Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz: Maybe this will refresh your memory. (Slams the door in Simon's face)
Simon: Roz, of course!
Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

Martin: Can I offer you a beer?
Simon: Oh, I hate to drink alone. Can I have a sandwich with that?
Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

Frasier: He cannot stay here! The man is loud, ill-mannered, and the last time he stayed here he killed a Ficus tree on the downstairs neighbour's balcony by means which are best left to the imagination!
Martin: Frasier, I invited Simon to stay in my Winnebago. C'mon Simon, I'll show you your new digs.
Frasier: Oh Lord, Simon, you know, I'm ...
Simon: Oh no, forget about it. It's no worse than what I was just saying about you in the kitchen.
Frasier: Ha ha. Good one.
Simon: He thinks I'm joking.
Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

Simon: If you're worried about my appearance, I know where I can get my hands on some very nice Armani suits.
Martin: Or you can just grab one out of Frasier's closet.
Roz: What do you think he was talking about?
Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

Martin: Simon, how about a little breakfast?
Simon: Oh, no thanks, Marty. I've already had a lovely crispy golden waffle and a foamy cappuccino down in the Winnebago.
Martin: The Winnebago? That doesn't have a waffle iron or a cappuccino maker.
Daphne: Wait a minute, these gifts look like they've been unwrapped and then wrapped again.
And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon

Simon to Roz: You know, I'm starting to have serious doubts about whether you're gonna be the future mother of my children.
Roz: Somewhere out there, the future mother of your children just lifted her head from a puddle of drool.
Simon: Yeah, but I bet she's got a killer bod!
And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon

Martin: How did Eddie like his walk?
Simon, looking around and realizing he's alone: The little nipper loved it. I think nature's calling him again. His bladder's worse than mine. I'll be back in a flash. (He runs out.)
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon