Focus on Roz Doyle

Frasier: So how was your weekend?
Roz: I had the most hellacious date of my life. First, he asks me to pick him up from work. Then, I stop for gas - I have to pump it myself while he just sits there reading the sports section. So I take him back to my place and make him my famous sweet'n'sour shrimp; I'm in the middle of cooking, I ask him to hand me the honey, and he gets this freaked-out look on his face and says he can't because he has a deathly fear of touching anything sticky. I told him it was a new jar, but he didn't want to take any risks.
Frasier: Roz, where do you meet these people?
Roz: I answered his ad!
Dinner at Eight

Roz: So I step out of the shower, and I look out the window, and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" and he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled and he was missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it.
I Hate Frasier Crane

Frasier: My God, Roz, she's the preimmenent new fauxist of the twentieth century - how could you put her on hold?!
Roz: Well, the phone rang and I pushed the little button!
The Crucible

Frasier: Tell me, listeners, what is it with guys like that? Hey Roz, you've been around the block a few times, you ever run into a guy like Marco?
Roz: Oh, they're all Marcos. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Marco.
Frasier: C'mon. I mean, if that were so, then no one would be having a relationship.
Roz: Well, I'm not. My sister's not. None of my friends are. I've seen the future, and its name is Marco.
Call me Irresponsible

Frasier: Okay, so who is this guy? Another one of those trendy young kids who's got three earrings and a ponytail, wearing a T-shirt under his sportscoat?
Roz: Is he here?
Frasier: Roz! Where do you meet these people?
Roz: For your information, this guy happens to be a very successful media consultant. He graduated from Princeton, he has a house on Mercer Island and he owns a forty foot sailboat.
Frasier: You met him on a bus, didn't you?
Roz: No. Actually we shared a cab. All right, he was driving it.
Beloved Infidel

Roz: I've been dating this older guy, and.. what if... you know... We were in bed together and he dropped dead? Well, it's not out of the realm of possibility. Sometimes he starts breathing very funny and I don't know if he's having a good time or if I've overexcited him to some dangerous level.
Frasier: Someone certainly has a very high opinion of herself.
Roz: Everybody's good at something.
Frasier: Why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we end up talking about your sex life?
Roz: Because I have one.
Death Becomes Him

Frasier: Roz, exactly what does "call screening" mean?
Roz: It means I can put on the air calls I want to hear.
The Show Where Lilith Comes Back

Frasier: Oh, hi Roz, how are you?
Roz: Do you really want to know how I am, or are you just making conversation? Because if you really want to know how I am, I'll tell you.
Frasier: Well, I was just making conversation.

Frasier: What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?
Roz: I get dressed and go home.
A Midwinter Night's Dream

Daphne: Brad MacNamara - do you think he wears any pants under that desk?
Roz: Not on my TV.
And the Whimper is...

Daphne: I must say, I'm so proud of you, Roz, being nominated in a male-dominated industry. It's one more step forward for working women. You're a credit to our gender.
Roz: Why thank you, Daphne. That reminds me. Do you have a push-up bra I could borrow?
And the Whimper Is...

Roz: Ministers aren't celibate, are they? Not that I don't love a challenge.
Give him the Chair

Frasier: How would you like to work from midnight to four a.m.? What would happen to your social life? Those are your peak hours!
Frasier Crane's Day Off

Niles on Roz: I don't think she likes me.
Frasier: Niles, it isn't a question of liking or not liking. She despises you!
Niles: Really? Why should I warrant such strong emotions? I barely acknowledge her existence.
Frasier: I think you may be onto something there, Sherlock.
My Coffee with Niles

Roz: There's a cute new handyman in my building. I thought I'd just go home, slip into my negligee, and rip out my faucet.
My coffee with Niles

Roz: I am ecumenical! I embrace men of all faiths!
Frasier: If only it stopped there.
My Coffee with Niles

Roz: I'm a cat person. I mean it's not like I'd ever buy a cat mug or a cat calendar, or anything, but I had a cat when I was growing up. We were almost inseparable. Muffles, or Scruffles, something like that.
The Unkindest Cut of All

Roz, hugging a puppy: Oh, c'mere little fella... aren't you the cutest little thing? Oh, give me a kiss! Oh, I love you too! (Hands the puppy to Frasier) There. Happy now?
Frasier, shocked: Roz! How can you just toss him aside after such a tender display of affection?
Roz: I can do it with men too.
The Unkindest Cut of All

Frasier: No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
Roz: Gee, I'd be happy to.
Frasier: But still one hates to break up a collection.
The Matchmaker

Roz: Chocolate-covered raisins?? I'd like to meet the idiot who came up with these. Take a grape, let it shrivel into a disgusting little wart, cover it with perfectly good chocolate. What the hell, I'll just suck the chocolate off.
Dukes, We Hardly Knew Ya

Niles, finding Roz spitting raisins into a cup: I see all those years of finishing school really paid off.
Dukes, We Hardly Knew Ya

Roz: Go. Go do that. Get married, have a couple of kids, move out to the country, buy a puppy, live happily ever after! Just don't tell me about it, I need a boyfriend!
Frasier: Dear Roz. Dear, silly Roz. Dear, silly, horny Roz.
Adventures in Paradise

Frasier: Roz, he's probably all of nineteen!
Roz: That's legal.
Frasier: Well, coo coo ca choo, Mrs Robinson!
Roz: The guy is so gorgeous, you just want to bite him all over. Haven't you seen him?
Frasier: No, I've been eating out lately.
Burying a Grudge

Roz: If you ask me, it's the divorced people you have to watch out for. Someone's never been married - it might just mean they're a careful shopper. Whereas your divorcee will bite into any old fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
Frasier: The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana.
Roz in the Doghouse

Bulldog: We could still get together afterwards.
Roz: Only if I smash into your car in the parking lot.
Bulldog: Why is it the ones that want it the most put up the biggest struggle?
Roz: Because when I do finally give in, I want us to enjoy it. That is, if I'm not too distracted by the fact that every man on earth has died!
Retirement is Murder

Roz: So this is the Sam Malone you've always talked about? The one who has no respect for women and treats them like dirt? Need anyone to show you around Seattle?
Sam: Well, you know, to tell you the truth I'm all right with the city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Frasier: Oh boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine wild animals all over the northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent.
The show where Sam shows up

Roz: So anyway, what I meant to say was, "Oh, I love that!" But I got so caught up that I yelled out, "Oh, I love you!" and then all of a sudden he got this look on his face like Indiana Jones running from the big ball!
Frasier: Well, uh, Roz, do you love him?
Roz: No! But I said it, so he should have said it back, it's just polite.
Breaking the Ice

Roz, on her family: Like this one time there was this huge cheese party and one of my uncles started speaking in cheese language. You know, like instead of saying "Hello, how are you?" he'd say "Hello, Havardy!" Someone else would go "Oh, I'm Gouda!" Oh, I don't know, what would come after that?
Frasier: If I'd been there, the sound of a gunshot!
Dark Victory

Roz, still going on about her family: And Uncle Ned has too much to drink and he starts putting pants on all the cows!
Dark Victory

Roz: I mean, how long can I go on chasing these hunky twenty-five year olds that are all looks and no substance?
Frasier: Exactly, Roz.
Roz: No, I'm serious, I'm asking. How long? Three, four years?
Dark Victory

Roz: So Vic, what's this trouble you're having with women?
Male Caller: I dunno, I have a good job, I think I have a good personality. I was making more money when I was modelling, but I'm doing okay at the law firm.
Roz: Tell me more.
Adventures in Paradise

Frasier: Niles, guess what thriving Seattle night spot is closing its doors!
Niles: Roz, you're moving!
The Innkeepers

Frasier: Roz, that was quite a flattering description. Just out of curiosity, were you just helping that lady with her fantasy, or do you really see me that way?
Roz: You really don't know, do you. Frasier, I am so attracted to you. I always have been. Your looks, your voice, you don't know how many times I've wanted to strip naked and hurl myself at that glass partition like a bug on a windshield.
Frasier: Are you through?
Roz, bopping him on the head: Well, ask a stupid question!
Martin Does it His Way

Roz: How could I say "I really liked you and I thought you were cute"?? Who am I, Marcia Brady??
Look Before you Leap

Roz: I'm a little nervous today.
Frasier: Oh? Trouble on the dating front?
Roz: I'm not that shallow, okay? It's about my hair.
Chess Pains

Niles: Oh Roz, you are an angel of mercy. How can I repay you?
Roz: The next time you think of some witty little thing to say about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, just keep it to yourself.
Niles, looking her up and down: Consider it done.
A word to the Wiseguy

Niles, watching Ben and Roz kiss: Ooh! Now serving one hundred and fifty-one!
Frasier Loves Roz

Frasier: That's the last man Roz should be with!
Niles: Well, don't worry. Knowing Roz, he won't be.
Frasier Loves Roz

Roz: Everything was going great, until I said "I love you, Ben"... then he got this look on his face, like he'd taken a wrong turn in a really bad neighbourhood.
Frasier Loves Roz

Roz stares at a man.
Frasier: Well, I certainly hope his tailor can fix the two holes you just burned in his jacket.
Roz: They're not in his jacket.
A Crane's Critique

Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
Roz: Oh please, I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.
A Crane's Critique

Roz: Then find a subtler way.
Niles: And in your vernacular that'd be what - to slingshot your panties across the street?
A Crane's Critique

Daphne: Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls the Sure Thing.
Frasier: How flattering. They've named a bar after her.
Mixed Doubles

Roz: When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui, and I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.
Death and the Dog

Roz: Oh, your opera glasses! I'm so sorry, they completely slipped my mind.
Frasier: I wouldn't mind if you didn't borrow them to ogle that body-builder who moved in across the street.
Roz: Just looked once or twice. It's not like I copied his name off his mailbox and looked up his number so I could call him while he was in the shower so I could watch him cross the room naked to answer the phone in front of the picture window. That would be wrong.
Frasier: I want them back. I refuse to squint through Paliachi while you're trying to watch the magic flute.
The Two Mrs Cranes

Niles to Roz: Another one of your "'Til dawn do us part" relationships?
Four for the Seesaw

Roz: I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires.
Three Dates and a Break-up

Niles: If she realizes we've recognized her, she'll be utterly humiliated! Oh, Roz!!
Roz' Krantz and Gouldenstern are Dead

Roz: I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well, in that case, you should outlive styrofoam.
Are you Being Served?

Roz: I have a date. With that waiter I met at lunch yesterday.
Frasier: You're going out with that guy?
Roz: I didn't have enough for a tip.
Frasier: Keep in mind the service wasn't that good.
Odd Man Out

Roz: You could shake up your life once in a while, do something spur-of-the-moment. Once, I finished work on a Friday and hopped a plane to Acapulco, and I didn't pack anything but my toothbrush.
Frasier: Yes, I can recall you calling in sick one Monday morning with a mariachi band in the background.
Roz: Well, I was sick.
Odd Man Out

Roz: Even the best birth control method is only effective 99 out of 100 times. I can't beat those odds!
Halloween

Frasier: Listen Mrs Doyle, Roz has put on quite a few pregnancy pounds of late, and she's really sensitive about it, so I would say be careful what you say to her about it, all right? Yes, we'll see you soon! Bye!
Roz, returning: ... I'm just nervous about my mom coming. I'm sort of dreading the big conversation where I finally tell her I'm pregnant.
Frasier: ... you haven't told her yet?
Roz: Now. It's just not the type of thing you just blurt out over the phone. (Frasier's phone rings) I'll let you get that. I better go.
Frasier: Hello? Yes, I had a feeling you might call back.
Perspectives on Christmas

Policewoman: Excuse me, ma'am. I saw you cross against the light. I'm going to have to write you a ticket.
Roz: Look, I'm really sorry about that. It's just that it's so cold out there, and the pollution... I just didn't want to expose my unborn child to the elements any longer than I needed to.
Policewoman: You're pregnant. Well, I know a little bit about that myself.
Roz: Well then, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Society doesn't go easy on pregnant ladies, does it? So when are you due?
Policewoman: I'm not pregnant.
Roz: That's Roz Doyle... R-O-Z...
Ain't Nobody's Business if I do

Roz: Every time I see something cute in the window, I remember how I look and I think "No way." (Nikos appears at the window) Here we go again.
Beware of Greeks

Roz: Omigod, look at the way the lights are shining on the sequins on this dress. I'm a disco ball!
Bad Dog

Roz: Now, I'm supposed to put up with in-laws and I don't have a husband? That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course! Shut up, I needed the credits.
Roz and the Schnoz

Roz: How do I look?
Frasier: Like Pollyanna grew up and got herself into a little trouble.
Roz and the Schnoz

Daphne, looking at photos: Oh dear, look at the way the ears on this poor little girl stick out.
Roz: It's me. Aged nine, the year before I got them fixed.
Daphne: Sorry, Roz, I didn't recognise you with those glasses. Why's one side blacked out?
Roz: I had a lazy eye. I got that fixed the next year. Let's just say for birthdays I wasn't asking for ponies.
Daphne: You poor thing.
Roz: I'm just sitting here thinking what if my kid gets Rick's nose, and my ears and eyes? Throw in my granfather's third nipple, I might as well pitch a tent and charge admission.
Roz and the Schnoz

Bulldog: By the way, Roz, baby or no baby, your ass has never looked better.
Roz: Shut up! (to Frasier) How sick is that?
Frasier: Oh, he's just being Bulldog.
Roz: No, that I liked hearing it.
Sweet Dreams

Roz: Frasier, I hired a babysitter twice, I did my make up twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress twice, only to be stood up twice.
Frasier: Roz, technically you only did your hair once.
Roz: Shut up! You know, some day, you're gonna need another favour from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.
Frasier: I have a pretty good idea.
Roz: Well, do it twice!!
Frasier's Curse

Frasier: As a matter of fact, we're going out tonight on our third date. You know the kind, it's like one of your first dates.
Secret Admirer

Roz is back on caffeine: Frasier! Frasier! You will not believe this! Little Alice said her first word today. It was "Ma." Or it may have been "moo." Mary, that's the sitter, gave her this little toy cow. She's always doing stuff like that. I love Mary. I love this little cow, too. It's the cutest little thing, it's brown and white, well that's a jersey cow, right? Well that's where Mary's from, Jersey. Yeah! I'll take a splash more! (getting more coffee) You know, I stopped nursing yesterday and boy have I missed this stuff. Cup of mud, java, my old friend Joe... Oh, that's funny, Mary's husband's name is Joe. Oh, my God, he's picking her up, I gotta go, this has been fun, you look great, nice talking with you.
First Do no Harm

Niles: Obviously you've never let somone you've grown to care deeply about get away.
Roz: Well, sure I have.
Niles: I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the end of the picking season.
Decoys

Roz: Donny is seeing Daphne and I am not the kind who steals other people's boyfriends. Not friends' boyfriends. Not good friends'. Not again.
Decoys

Roz: "Now Roz" my ass. I'm just as refined as you are. Shut up Niles!
Dinner Party

Daphne: Who knows, Roz, maybe you'll meet some English Lord who will make you a Lady.
Niles: I think at this point it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.
Dinner Party

Roz: My rent's gone up, the baby stuff costs a fortune. I stopped buying Alice those little pink headbands they make for little girls whose hair hasn't grown in yet. Now when I go out, I just call her Howard.
Roz, A Loan

Roz: Follow me and I'll give you the lay of the land.
Frasier: Let's just hope that's a figure of speech, not a sales pitch.
Dr Nora

Frasier: I can't date two people at once.
Roz: It doesn't have to be on the same night. Although if you're good at faking a headache and you don't mind getting changed in the car...
When a Man Loves Two Women

Roz: Give him a break, he's just having fun.
Frasier: Exactly what I'd expect to hear from someone who's willing to spend the night as Bulldog's squeak toy.
Shut out in Seattle

Roz: I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm weak. I can't stop myself!
Frasier: Yes you can, Roz.
Roz: Okay, I don't want to stop myself. He's good. He's really good. I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable.
Frasier: Roz, it's Bulldog! Doesn't that bother you?
Roz: You'd think.
Shut Out in Seattle

Roz: He wants to buy me dinner. Do you realize what this means?
Frasier: They finally opened that new Hooters out by the airport?
Roz: He's crossed the line. He actually thinks we're dating!
Frasier: Roz, didn't your mother warn you that sex could lead to things like dating?
Shut out in Seattle

Roz, when Frasier keeps getting Faye and Cassandra mixed up: I'm having a flashback to my summer of Ted, Todd and Tad.
Shut out in Seattle

Roz: Tell me something - do I have the word "loser" tattooed across my forehead?
Frasier: No, Roz, but there is a rumour about a Tweety bird on your upper thigh.
The dog that rocks the cradle

Roz: I just dropped by to drop off your punch bowl.
Frasier: Well, thank you Roz. Say, what sort of punch did you serve?
Roz: Well, first I filled it with ice, then I just poured orange juice and vodka over it.
Frasier: But Roz, that's just a giant screwdriver.
Roz: Yeah? So? What am I, Martha Stewart?
The Fight Before Christmas

Daphne: You know what happens when you say no to a guy!
Roz, blankly: Yeah! Sure!
The Fight before Christmas

Frasier: Roz, let's not condemn the new millenium just becuase you woke up in it with a hangover. That's what ruined church for you.
Roz: As far as my hangover goes, it was worth it. I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged monkey.
Frasier: Yes, well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
RDWRER

Roz: May I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel?
Mel: Not for me. It's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think?
Roz: Not anymore.
Whine Club

Roz: My longest relationship would have to be Ted, '88 to '90. No! Derek, '89 to '92.
Frasier: Being a gentleman, Roz, I won't point out the slight overlap there.
Roz: It's not an overlap, it's a transition.
Hot Pursuit

Frasier: Wait, you joined a book club?
Roz: Why is that so hard to believe? I like to read!
Frasier: What's his name?
Roz: Jason.
Big Crane on Campus

Roz: I figured you can't get married without something borrowed.
Daphne: Oh, what a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely detail!
Niles: I especially like the little odometer. (He gets smacked by Roz)
Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

Roz: Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I've dated?
Niles: I was reading about a trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetops.
Roz: Shut up, you big doily.
Something Borrowed, Someone Blue

Roz: Well, I'm here. Congratulations and all that BS, where's the bar?
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon

Roz, chastizing a caller: Why don't you call back when you're a working single mother whose choice in dates is between a guy with eight teeth and a guy whose hair is painted on?
Cranes Unplugged

Roz: Wow, it reminds me of college: staying up all night before a big exam and wishing I'd studied instead.
Motor Skills

Roz: Wow, Niles! You finally made varsity after thirty years, huh?
Niles: Yes, but it's not a real varsity jacket, Roz, so you're under no obligation to sleep with me.
Hooping Cranes

Roz gets Frasier to help her break up with her French boyfriend:
Roz: Jean-Pierre, this is Frasier.
Frasier, in French: Jean-Pierre, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Roz: Now I want to do this gently, so will you tell him that I think he's a really nice guy.
Frasier: Uh-huh. (in French) Roz thinks you're a very nice guy.
Jean-Pierre, in French: She's breaking up with me, isn't she? Thank God, she's not my type. I've been looking for a way out for weeks.
Roz: What'd he say?
Frasier: Um, he said that he's very fond of you too.
Roz: OK, now tell him that these past few weeks have been really fun.
Frasier: You can go faster, Roz.
Roz: Let me do this my way. Tell him!
Frasier, in French: Uh, look, she's got all this worked out, all right? So just go along.
Jean-Pierre, in French: Tell me, where can one get a good steak around here?
Frasier: He says, what are you trying to say?
Roz: OK. Tell him, in another time, in another place, we might have a shot, but this just isn't working for me.
Frasier, in French: The Five Crowns has a good steak, and the wine list isn't bad either. I think she's wrapping up, look sad.
Jean-Pierre, in French, sadly: Can you smoke in there?
Frasier: Is there any chance you'd reconsider?
Roz: I don't think so.
Frasier: Oh. (In French) You can smoke on the patio.
Roz: Is he OK?
Frasier: Yes Roz, he'll be fine. But, you know, I think for his sake we should wrap this up.
Roz: Jean-Pierre...
Jean-Pierre: Roz...
Jean-Pierre, in French: Thanks for the tip, I'm starving.
Frasier: He says that he'll--
Roz: Please, Frasier. Some things don't need to be translated.
Hooping Cranes

Frasier: All right, Roz, now this is a very different kind of show we're going to be doing, so are you clear on the procedure?
Roz: What's so hard? You talk for a while, I screen calls, you answer them, I look interested – oh, I see the hard part.
Forgotten but not Gone

Roz: You don't think I can appreciate a sophisticated man? You know, it's not just about sex for me, Frasier.
Dr Tewksbury: Do you have a stepladder? My pants are stuck in the ceiling fan.
The Wizard and Roz

Roz: Frasier Crane show, what's your problem?
Caller 1: Hi, well, I'm, um, um, kind of indecisive.
Roz: Well I'm not. Frasier Crane show, what's your problem?
Caller 2: Yeah, I'm thinking of changing careers, I feel kind of trapped.
Roz: Well, that's not a very exciting problem, but I'll see if I can get you on. Hold please. Frasier Crane show, what's your problem?
Caller 3: It's sort of embarrassing.
Roz: Amen!
Caller 3: I was a bedwetter as a child, and I think the problem's coming back.
Roz: Great. Hold please. Hey career change, I've got a bed wetter holding. When you say trapped, is it possible it's because you're a woman trapped inside a man's body?
Caller 2: I don't think so.
Roz: I don't think I can get you on today then.
Caller 2: Well I really wanted to talk to him. I guess that could be part of it.
Roz: Good answer. Hold please. Hey bedwetter, I got a transsexual in crisis, you gotta beat that. Have you ever wet a bed with anyone else in it, a hooker, a stripper, maybe your best friend's wife?
Caller 3: No.
Roz: Look, you wanna talk to the doc or not?
Caller 3: Well, I guess the third one.
Roz: Hold please. Hey transsexual.
Caller 2, after a pause: Is that me?
Roz: Yeah! Have you ever run for political office, or considered running for political office?
Caller 2: What, you mean like congressman or something?
Roz: Perfect!