Frasier Quotes: Season One

The Good Son

Frasier: You're a psychiatrist, you know what it's like to listen to people prattling on endlessly about their mundane lives.
Niles: Touche. And on that subject, I heard your show today.

Martin: I spent Monday on the bathroom floor. You can still see the tile marks on my face.
Niles: That gives you some idea of the ride over.

Frasier: No, not Eddie!
Martin: But he's my best friend!
Frasier: But he's weird! He gives me the creeps, all he does is stare at me!!

(Frasier opens the door to find Daphne adjusting her bra strap)
Daphne: Oops! Caught me with me hand in the biscuit tin.

Daphne sucking up to Martin: Oh, will you look at that - what a comfy chair! It's like I always say, start with a good piece, and replace the rest when you can afford it. (Martin looks pleased)

Daphne: You were a policeman, weren't you?
Martin: Yeah, how'd you know?
Daphne: I must confess... I'm a bit psychic.

Daphne: Wait a minute! I'm getting something on you - you're a florist!
Frasier: No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Daphne: Oh, well, it comes and goes. Usually it's strongest around my time of the month... so I guess I let a little secret out there.
Frasier: It's safe with us. Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned everything we need to about you, and a dash extra!
Daphne, turning to Eddie: You're a dog, aren't you!?

Frasier: My study? You expect me to give up my study, the place where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?
Martin: Ah, use the can like the rest of the world!

Frasier: I mean "burden" in its most positive sense.
Martin: As in, "Gee what a lovely burden"?

Frasier: This paper has been read!
Daphne: Well don't worry, we won't tell you what's in it!

Daphne: Oooh, six more weeks of winter, I see.
Frasier: Oh dear God! (does up his bathrobe)

Frasier: If it wasn't biologically impossible, I'd swear that Dad was dropped in a basket on our doorstep.

Martin: Well excuse me! When you invited me to move in, I didn't realize I had to stay chained to the radiator in my room.
Frasier: Perhaps only evenings.
Martin: I heard that!

Niles: So what you're saying is, you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.

Frasier: You are the most cold, intractable, unapproachable, distant, stubborn, cold man I've ever known!
Martin: You said 'cold' twice, Mr Egghead.

Frasier: Daphne, what are you doing?
Daphne: Fluffing your knickers. If you don't mind my saying so, you're losing some of your elasticity.
Frasier: Well, I appreciate everything you're doing, Daphne, but a man's knickers are certainly... (feeling them) Oooh... How'd you get them so soft?
Daphne: Fabric softener, and twice through the fluff cycle.
Frasier: Oh, well, keep up the good work!

Daphne: Dr Crane took your father shopping to Armani this afternoon.
Niles: You got that at Armani?
Martin: Just like I told you, Frasier - he can't tell the difference!

Martin on his suit: Oh, it's supposed to resist wrinkles. They had one in the display window wadded up inside a mayonnaise jar!
Niles: Frasier, is he our real father?

Niles: Outside of our last name and abnormally well-developed calf muscles, we have nothing in common with the man.

Niles: Dad's so set in his ways.
Frasier: Well, we all are, at some point in our lives. Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music?
Niles: Was I ever that young?

Martin: I wouldn't like it.
Frasier: Oh Dad, how do you know if you don't try it?
Martin: Well I didn't have to get shot in the hip with a .38 to know I wouldn't like that.

Daphne: Well! Aren't you a bobby dazzler!
Frasier: Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.

Frasier on Daphne: She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

At "The Timber Mill":
Waitress: Hi, can I get you guys something from the bar?
Frasier: Oh dear God, yes.
Niles: I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks, with three pearl onions.
Frasier: If you bring him two - if you bring him four - he'll send it back.
Waitress: And for you?
Frasier: The same.

Waitress: And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.
Niles: "Claim our steaks"?
Martin: You get to pick the cut you want off the beef trolley!
Frasier: How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?

Niles orders his steak: I'll, I'd like a, a petit filet mignon, very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavour, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked - just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle; not a true pink, but not a mauve either, something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.

Frasier trying to pick a steak: Could I see the back of that one, please?

Martin: Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.
Frasier: I wish this was one of those times.

Frasier: "I Hate Frasier Crane." What trenchant criticism. Move aside, Voltaire, step back in the shadows, H.L. Machin, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'ouvre: "I Hate Frasier Crane". A lesser critic would have wasted our time by presenting a well-thought-out, point by point, constructive critique of this show. No, not our Mr. Mann. So, dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's column arrives on your front doorstep, read it, enjoy it, but above all treasure it, for one day this man will be joining the Pantheon of the immortals. And if we're lucky, it'll be one day soon.

Daphne: Who's this Billy Kriesel?
Frasier: Oh, he was this kid in fifth grade that used to torment me.
Martin: So one day Frasier made fun of Billy's crew cut.
Frasier: Well he started it by making fun of the elbow patches on my blazer!
Martin: Well the point is, they were supposed to meet for a fight after school only Patches here didn't show up.
Frasier: I had a clarinet lesson!
Martin: You don't need to remind me of that! Billy's old man was a cop too: Boy the guys rode me about that excuse of yours for years. Every time I couldn't make it out for a drink they used to say, "What's matter, you got a clarinet lesson?"
Daphne: Couldn't you and Billy have met after the clarinet lesson?
Frasier: Daphne, would you please excuse us for a moment?
Daphne: I have a feeling I'm going to be excused quite a lot in this house.

Niles, as he buffs his nails with an emery board: What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets?
Frasier: Chalk it up to random violence.

Frasier: Any psychic prediction on the outcome?
Daphne: Actually yes, but don't worry, I'm frequently wrong.

Frasier: He's gigantic!
Daphne: My God, you could show a movie on his back!

Martin: There's a woman over there with a telescope. She's looking back at us!
Frasier: What should we do?
Daphne: Hide!

Martin: She's writing something else. "Is that Dr Crane from the radio hiding in the back?"
Frasier: It does not say that! (goes to telescope) (Gasp!) It does say that! (He waves to Irene)

Martin: She's not my girlfriend.
Frasier: Oh please. You two have been exchanging notes for the last three days. If you were in the sixth grade, you'd be sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Maris' Aunt Patrice: You just add a "g" in every syllable so you would be "Mgargtin Crgane." Just say it with me, come on, Mgargtin...
Niles: I don't think Dad's interested.
Aunt Patrice: Oh, Bge ag spgort Ngiles.
Frasier: What did she say?
Niles: She said "Be a sport Niles."
Aunt Patrice, enthusiastically: Bge, agus, gesport, Ngiles!!
Frasier: Dad, do you still have your gun loaded?
Martin: It's in my top drawer.

Aunt Patrice: Oh, and if you're ever in the Washington area, I'm in the bgook!

Frasier: Yes, indeed I do own a Paxton.
Roz: Well, you'll be pleased to know that she's on line three.
Frasier: My God, Roz, she's the pre-eminent new fauxist of the twentieth century - how could you put her on hold?!
Roz: Well, the phone rang and I pushed the little button.

Daphne: Well, my theory on death is, first you're whisked down a long dark tunnel towards a beautiful, white light, you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle and then you die.

Frasier: Dad, will you stop showing these crime scene photos, you're embarassing me.
Martin: Oh, these society people eat this up. Besides, she was the one that brought this up.
Frasier: Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt, the head of the junior league, brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse?
Martin: Yeah, she asked, "Aren't these Swedish meatballs the messiest things you've ever seen?" and I said, "No, as a matter of fact..."

Frasier: May I take your... poncho?
Martha Paxton: No, no, no, no, I never take it off at parties. It gives me an excuse not to shake hands with people.
Frasier: Oh, how delightfully eccentric.

Frasier: Well, they've forced my hand. I'm going to call the police.
Martin: Five five five three thousand.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Try to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll teach them. Hello, yes. Oh, just a second. (to Martin) Dad, who do I ask for?
Martin: Have them put you through to the Fine Arts Forgery Department.
Frasier: Hello, yes, the Fine Arts Forgery Department, please. (to Martin) Dad, they're laughing at me.

Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.
Niles: Me, too. But they make wonderful patients: they have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

Frasier:You know, on the most basic level, men and woman are the same. We both need to be loved, and to love someone, we both want to feel that we matter to someone and that someone matters to us. And making a commitment to another human being is the ultimate expression of our humanity.
Catherine: Wow. Your wife is really lucky.
Frasier: I'm sure she'd say the same thing. Especially now that our marriage is over.

Niles: I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point. Who was that babe-o-rama??
Frasier: Niles, please don't try to be hip, you remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.

Catherine: Well thank you, Dr Crane! First you screw things up with Marco, and now you're dumping me? God! And to think I was going to have sex with you. And it was going to be hot, like you've never had before. I'm talking steamy, sweat dripping down your back, neighbours pounding on the wall, illegal in 48 states kind of sex!! But hey. You're okay, you won't be alone tonight. No, you got your ethics! Oh, by the way.. the fish was dry.
Frasier: Oh, that was a cheap shot! How I envy you, Eddie. The biggest questions you face are "Who's going to walk me? Who's going to feed me?" I won't know that kind of joy for another forty years.

Niles: Well, they're leaning in and talking to each other. He's smiling at her. She's just collapsed in tears, she's sobbing uncontrollably.
Frasier: Oh, yeah. that's a Crane first date all right.

Daphne, looking at an old photo: That scrawny little chap with the fishbelly complexion and rainhat.
Niles: I was under doctor's orders to stay out of direct sunlight.

Frasier: The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, isn't it?
Daphne: What about Dr Sneezy's cold medicine?
Frasier: Dr Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus probably should have tipped you off.

Niles: Why do you have that ridiculous tissue around your neck?
Frasier: Well, they didn't tell me I could take it off, so I kept it on.
Niles: Oh, silly me. Here I thought it was just a means to attract attention, to have people come up to you and say "Are you an actor?" thus affording you the opportunity to say yes, you are indeed an actor, and then proceed to crow, gloat and strut in a way you could not otherwise do.
Frasier: And the reason you have SHRINK on your license plate would be...? Niles, listen. I've got to do this commercial in half an hour and I just don't think I can go through with it, I'm afraid that I'm compromising my integrity as a psychiatrist.
Niles: Why do you feel like that?
Frasier: Well, for one thing my co-stars are dressed up as an almond and a walnut.

Roz: The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of him. I didn't realise you were unclear on this concept.

Frasier: Dad, Dad, just relax. Read a magazine. Oh, here, here. Take the Cosmo quiz.
Martin, reading: "Are your nipples sensitive?"
Frasier: Would you mind doing that quietly, it's not an oral exam.
Martin: You haven't seen the second question.

Martin: Yeah. I remember when I took you for your first tetanus shot, you were about five or six.
Frasier: Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holding my hand.
Martin: Yeah. Bent over that table, dropped your little drawers. When the nurse gave you the shot, you took your mind off it by reciting the names of all of Puccini's operas. Right then I knew you'd never be a cop.

Frasier: I mean, there he was, walking down his walkway this morning and he bends over to pick up his newspaper and BANG! he drops dead of a heart attack. It's just... God, you know? I pick up my newspaper every day. And the Sunday Times is very heavy, I'm thinking of cancelling.
Roz: Well? These things happen.
Frasier: These things happen? Roz, how can you say that? My God, this was not an old man, he was my age.
Roz: What am I supposed to say? I guess I don't think of these things like you do. Guess it's because you're forty-one and I'm (laughing) not!

Frasier: I'd never get to see my son hit his first home run. It'd be a terrible thing for a father to miss.
Martin: Tell me about it.

Bobbie: May I help you?
Frasier: I didn't realise this was a mirror, I thought that maybe you were having an unveiling later.
Bobbie: You're not Jewish, are you?
Frasier: No, no. My ex-wife is though, and so, and thus my son is, which makes me, uh, sort of, well I guess you could say... no, I'm not Jewish.
Bobbie: We always cover mirrors at a Shiva. So those greiving don't have to be concerned with their own appearances.
Frasier: Ah. Ah well, you look very nice.
Bobbie: Oh, thank you. It's been driving me crazy.

Gail: Gary was in phenomenal shape.
Bobbie: He didn't smoke, never touched caffeine.
Allen: Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?
Frasier: My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead?

Frasier: I suppose the best we can do is live for the little joys and surprises life affords us. You can't spend your life being obsessed with death.
Mrs Newman: You're not Jewish, are you?

Miracle on 3rd or 4th Street

Martin: Go ahead, use your chili peppers!
Frasier: I don't want them anymore!
Martin: Maybe we could hang a few radishes, put a nice broccoli on top!

Frasier: How much more appetizing food always becomes when you add the word "log"!

Bill: How's that turkey platter? As good as last year's?
Frasier: I'm not sure this isn't last year's!

Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast

Frasier: That feels strange, a son asking his father how a date went... (Elaine enters) ... when he could ask the date herself!

Frasier with his foot in his mouth: So, what did you two kids do last night? Play some games? - I mean board games. - Not that you were bored - or excited - not that I'd know anything - or should - but ... warm buns, Elaine! No, not yours! Ours, ours! To eat, you see!

Frasier: Oh, I do a great deal of shopping there. In fact I bought the comforter on Dad's bed there. Well, I suppose you noticed that. - or or or, maybe you didn't - I mean, I don't know if you had the lights on - ... Banger, Dad? (Elaine chokes and gets up to leave)

Frasier to Daphne: Couldn't you have served bacon??

Daphne: I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.
Frasier: You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.
Daphne: Well, I'm giving it a try. You know - "Elaine in 1410, come to dinner! Come to dinner!
Frasier: Well that's very charming, but Elaine's in 1412.
Daphne: Oh dear. I guess I'd better set another place at the table.

Can't Buy me Love

Renata, on the phone: No way!! No way!! No!! Way!!

Renata:He's on the road with Whitesnake all the time.
Frasier: Whitesnake? Is that a musical group, or a pet?
Renata: It's his new wife.

Daphne, very drunk: Oh dear. This is not good. Not good at all.
Bulldog: What, you don't like the champagne?
Daphne: No, I can see the bottom of me glass.
Bulldog, refilling her glass: Well, bottoms up!

Daphne: Oh, you are a naughty boy. Now don't go getting any ideas. Oh, look who I'm saying this to. You don't have an idea in your head! Did it again. I insulted ya. Let's drink to that. Boom! Now that is downright rude. Hey you there. You in the Firebird. Yes you! Stop that honking. Now now, just because you look stupid doesn't mean you have to act stupid!

Martin: Look, all kids are the same. They start out cute and then somewhere along the way, they get into that obnoxious know-it-all stage, and you think they'll never grow out of it.
Frasier: But eventually they do?
Martin: I'm still hoping.

Frank: Very pretty name. Do people call you Daffy for short?
Daphne: Not twice.

Martin: Wow, Frasier. I may have underestimated you.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah, you're making a bigger jackass of yourself than I thought.

Niles: I'm not without resources. My Tae-Kwan-Do instructor tells me I'm two moves away from being quite threatening.

Daphne: This is one of my psychic headaches... I only get them when there's a clawing at the cosmic continuum.
Niles: Perhaps if someone rubbed your temples...
Frasier: Niles! I'm sure she wants privacy while she contacts the mother ship.

Niles: It appears you have come to some sort of crossroads.
Frasier: Oh, that's a nice tidy way of saying I'm in hell!

See the Focus on Lilith page for more of this episode!

A Midwinter Night's Dream

Daphne: I'm already exhibiting the three signs of a woman in love: I can't stop thinking about him, I can't eat and I bought meself all new underwear!
Martin: We gotta get her a girlfriend to talk to.

Frasier: My God, it's a recipe for disaster. You've got a vulnerable woman, and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night. All we're missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors.

Don't forget, more quotes from this ep can be found on the Niles'n'Daphne page.

And the Whimper is...

Frasier: I WAS NOMINATED!! I WAS NOMINATED!!! (looks around; everyone is staring at him) Well, I was.

Frasier: Oh Daphne, I think of you as my equal in every way.
(The doorbell rings and Frasier sits down. It rings again and he looks expectantly at her.)
Daphne: Oh, I'll get it. Would you like me to announce your visitor, too?

Frasier: This is nothing but shameless self-promotion! It's in very bad taste!
Roz: I know. What are we going to put in our ad?

Frasier: If we win this thing, they're going to lynch us.
Roz: So what? At least everyone will see my dress.

Niles: Just call me butterfingers.

Martin: I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
Frasier: How about Florida?
Martin: I heard that.

At the furniture store, Niles: Good God, Frasier, we've stumbled upon hell's waiting room.

Niles' impressions of the chair: I never knew a chair could be this satisfying. I never knew anything could! I want it!
Frasier: Yes, Niles, I'm sure it would fit right in with all of Maris' Eighteenth Century antiques.
Niles: Well then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side.

Daphne's impressions of the chair: This is enough to make me give up me search for a meaningful relationship!

Daphne getting kicked out of the chair: Oh, all right. Just like a man. Now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!

Martin's impressions of the chair: That's disgusting!!

Martin: Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

Mrs Warren: Right now this chair is the most entertaining thing on stage.

Mrs Warren: Difficult? You want difficult? I have a set that's falling apart, a leading man whose voice changed at precisely three o'clock this afternoon, and my name is spelled wrong in the programme!! See what I did there, Pomeroy? That's the kind of anger I need from you in the accusation scene.

Mrs Warren, with a rather manic grin: You know, it'd be a real shame is something - oops - happened to this chair!
Frasier: But it's been years - I hardly remember any of the lines!
Mrs Warren: Then you'll fit right in!

Forty-Something

Martin: The sands of time are shifting... mostly south!

Frasier: I could swear she was flirting with me!
Martin: Trust me son, she's on commission.

Travels with Martin

Frasier: You know, in his entire life, my dad has never been to Europe. It would be a way of connecting with him if I were the one to give him that. So, what would you charge me to take him to Ireland with you?

Martin: Okay, well maybe I'm not as sophisticated as you, but I think I should see America first!
Frasier: Great! We're Americans, we should see America!
Martin: And I wanna see it in a Winnabago!

Frasier: Oh Niles, when I agreed to see America with Dad, I thought we'd be staying in five-star resorts! When I said "together" I meant adjoining suites!
Niles: Just tell him you think it's a bad idea.
Frasier: I can't do that, he's counting on this trip too much. It was his dream, he was going to go on this trip with Mom.
Niles: Yeah, but she lucked out and died!

Martin: It's everything I'd hoped it'd be, only better! It's like sitting in your own living room watching tv, only it isn't tv, it's America!
Frasier: Yes, Dad, it's the ultimate in virtual reality programming - actual reality.
Martin: Okay, we've got a turn off coming up in about five miles, so start slowing down.
Frasier: Right-oh Dad.
Daphne: How does it feel behind that wheel, Dr.Crane?
Frasier: Manly! This is mine, and it's big!

Martin: Frasier, watch it, you're going to miss the turnoff!
Frasier: So?
Martin: We'll get lost!
Frasier: Lost from where? We're in a house on wheels! Wherever we go, we're home!
Martin: No! It's coming up! It's coming up! All right, turn here!! This is it! Turn! Turn here! We missed it!!
Frasier: Dad, we didn't miss anything!
Martin: Oh my God!!
Frasier: We are now on the road less travelled, from now on there is a new order! We dance to the rhythm of the road!

Frasier: You know, your sign said "a live bear."
Marbella: It's an old sign.

Niles: That's called smuggling!
Martin: Oh, thanks, Niles. I knew it was something bad guys did, I just didn't know the technical term.

Martin: Now listen, on the off chance that the guard asks you a question, can you say anything in an American accent?
Daphne: Sure.
Martin: Okay, what?
Daphne: You just heard it!
Martin: What?
Daphne: Sure. That's it, that's all I can say! Oh, I need a cup of tea!
Frasier: Tea?? Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start singing "God save the Queen"?

Customs Officer: Did you enjoy Canada?
Daphne: Sure.
Customs Officer: And the weather?
Daphne: Sure, sure.

Niles: That's it. I'm going to be arrested!
Daphne: We're all getting arrested!
Niles: Yes, but I have delicate features. Prison will be hell for me!

Daphne: It's too late to turn back! I say we make a run for it!
Frasier: Oh yes, great idea! A high speed chase in an eight ton motor home! It'll make an amusing anecdote for the border-guard newsletter!

Author, Author!

Frasier wants Martin to watch tv with headphones on.
Martin: And what about Eddie? How's he going to hear?
Frasier: He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper.

Niles: Chapter One. Page One. Paragraph One. I'm indenting!

Niles suddenly puts on his on-air personality: He-llo Emerald City! What's doing what's happening!!

Niles: It's my radio persona. Every great radio personality has one.
Frasier: I don't.
Niles: My point exactly.

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.

Niles: Do you like it?
Frasier: Well, I said it was interesting. The task ahead of us now is to decide whether we would like an interesting opening, or a good one!

Frasier: The fat lady has sung! The curtain has been rung down! Here, I'll type it for you.
(He types; Niles looks at it)
Niles: "It's oover"?

Daphne: You seem chipper this morning, Dr Crane.
Frasier: Well, why shouldn't I be?
Martin: Well, it's going to rain again, the jobless rate's up, and about two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin.

Martin: Frasier, isn't there something you want to say to Niles?
Frasier: Yes, I suppose there is. Niles... would you like a muffin?

Frasier Crane's Day Off

Daphne: Is there anything else you need?
Frasier: A little more ginger ale, please?
Daphne: Very well then.
Frasier: Oh Daphne, this time make it shaved ice, not cubes. And I don't like those straws. Can I have the bendy kind? And the saltines... they're too salty. I need the low-sodium.
Daphne: Your wish is my command.
Niles, entering: Hello Daphne. Is he in pain?
Daphne: Not enough.

Niles: Hello, this is Dr. Niles Crane filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today.

Frasier: The moment I give a fig about what you think is the day that England produces a great chef, a world-class bottle of wine, and a car that has a decent electrical system!

Frasier: Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again. So, let's take our first caller. Hello, I'm listening.
Robert: Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous. Okay? My name is Robert.
Frasier: And your name is?
Robert: My name is Robert.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye!

Roz: Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane.

Frasier: Hello! You're on the crane with Frasier Air!

Niles: That bit of inspired lunacy you heard before the commercial was just a little docudrama Frasier and I put together on the dangers of over-medication. Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it "dope."

Frasier: Did I say decaf?
Waitress: No, you didn't.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. If I drink the regular stuff it'll keep me tossing and turning all through my brother's conversation.

Frasier: Just the other night, Dad was watching tv and I'd fallen asleep on the couch, and suddenly I stirred and felt something on my head. Dad was standing above me stroking my hair.
Niles: Dad? Did he say anything?
Frasier: Yeah, well, he said, "Don't you think it's time you got a haircut? You're starting to look like Bozo." But I know he was covering.

Niles: Why did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you find some beefy European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?
Frasier: Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year, the agency was fresh out.

Frasier: I suppose the situation you're in is, you'd like to stay with Maris, but you'd like to have an affair with Daphne.
Niles: Yes. Can I do that?
Frasier: No you can't!!

Frasier: What if I end up old and alone? I might have to buy a funny little dog and move in with Frederick. Well, I guess I don't have to worry about that for a while.
Niles: Frederick should start worrying about that.

Niles: Frasier and I were planning a big surprise party, but if we had thrown it on your birthday, it wouldn't have been a surprise, thus we waited a week, so - surprise!

Martin: What do you guys talk about all the time?
Niles: Oh, you know, sports, chicks, monster truck rallys.
Martin: Okay, so don't tell me.

Season Two

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