The Ring Cycle

Wedding official: Now, depending on your budget, we can offer you anything from the 'Be Steel my Heart' - that's genuine stainless, right there, to the 'Never Ending Love,' which you can return for up to ninety days, no questions asked.

Niles, admiring the rings: Wow. You certainly don't see six and a half caret gold every day.

Daphne: You are not going to believe this, but Niles and I flew to Reno, and we're getting married right now!
Roz: YOU ARE NOT!!
Daphne: I AM SO!!
Roz: AAAAAA!!!
Daphne: AAAAAA!!!
Roz: AAAAAA!!!
Daphne: AAAAAA!!!
Niles, to wedding official: Apparently it's some sort of dolphin emergency.

Wedding official: Hey, don't forget to check out our topless buffet.
Niles: He never said 'You may kiss the bride'!
Daphne: You may kiss the bride!

Martin makes his own lunch...
Frasier, looking in the bag: Two bags of chips, three puddin' cups, and a root beer.
Martin: What's wrong with it?
Frasier: A, this is not a lunch, and B, I fail to see why it took you so long, since you did not 'make' anything, but simply transferred smaller containers into a larger one.

Roz, entering: Oh my God, you guys are here! AAAAAA!!!
Frasier: Well, I'm here too.
Niles: We were just talking about our wedding.
Roz: Oh good, I want to hear all about it!
Daphne: We're going to have a small civil ceremony on Friday!
Roz: AAAA...huh??

Daphne: It's so sexy having an anniversary only the two of us know about.
Roz: Three of us.

Mrs Moon: In my day, people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
Alice: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
Mrs Moon: You should talk to your daughter. (she leaves)
Roz: When we get home, you're getting ice cream.

Mrs Moon: If people got to decide things for themselves, no one would go to church!

Frasier: If you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely, are we not always in his presence?
Mrs Moon: No. He lives at the church.

Daphne: I have to go and figure out what to pack for the honeymoon.
Niles: I'm just bringing sunscreen.
Frasier: Pardon me. I have to go poke out my mind's eye.

Mrs Moon: ... When I was opening a bottle of Scotch to have me tea...

Frasier: It was a singular moment! Anyone fooled by a repeat performance would have to be a complete imbecile!
Niles: True.

Niles: I, Niles Crane, take you, Daphne Moon, to be my wife. I, I vow to you my, my fidelity and support, honour, respect, uh, honesty... protection... and... support, uh, you are my comfort and joy, and, oh, shoot, there's one more...
Daphne: One true love.
Niles: One true love. Okay, you go.

Donny: I knew it! Now you know what it's like to have the love of your life dump you at the altar! And good luck trying to find somebody as good, cuz she just ain't out there!!
(Donny's fiance is aghast)

Martin: Hold on, I've got a question here. If you've been married for a week, how come you're not on your honeymoon?
Daphne: Thank you... Martin.
(YAY Martin.)

Enemy at the Gate

Daphne: He's turning my room into a library?
Martin: No, he made it very clear it was a Reading Sanctuary. A library implies sharing.

Kenny: I swear to God, nobody here has any discipline! I'm starting to think I've been too loose with the leash! I mean, gee whiz, I try to make everyone happy and all it gets me is a twisted gut. Well, no more! This Saturday, we're gonna have a staff meeting, we're gonna hash out some rules!
Roz: I'm busy Saturday!
Kenny: Well, it's not mandatory.

Man: Only rich people have time for this kind of crap! Just pay the two bucks, Mr BMW!
Frasier: My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?
Niles: Yes, I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.

Frasier: You know, we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you and that ridiculous birdcage! ... Oh, come on, I can only change one character flaw at a time!

Daphne: I don't understand. I may sleep across town, but I still see him all the time.
Martin: Well, you got to look at it from Eddie's point of view. This person who's meant so much to him isn't going to be living here anymore. For nine years, he's felt the comfort of knowing you were here every night, and making him his breakfast every morning, and he's come to depend on that. Now everything's changed. Ah, would you look at that. He's probably gonna get on my bed to pout.
Daphne: I think he'll adjust.
Martin: Well, who knows? Old dogs get used to a certain routine. And as tough as they might look, they get lonely.

Caller Mark: I slept with my boss. Now things at work are super uncomfortable.
Roz: Well, Mark, I feel for you. I've been there myself. What you ought to do is just talk it out with your boss.
Mark: You went through this too?
Roz: Yeah, and it was weird for a while, but now, things are just fine. Who else out there needs my advice? Let me hear your calls. You're on the air. How can I solve your problem?
Caller: Actually, I was calling about something else, but when you say, "Now things are fine," it sounds like you still work with this person.
Roz: What? No, no! I worked with this person a long, long time ago.
Caller:Then why'd you say "now"?
Roz: Because... I don't speak so good?
Caller: Isn't Dr. Crane your boss?
Roz: Well, no, I like to think of Frasier as a colleague.
Caller: Oh, now he's "Frasier"!
Roz: Yeah, I mean, it's just that I...
Caller: I think you did Frasier.

Frasier: It sounds as if Roz has informed you of my exploits!
Caller Jerry: She hasn't said much, but we'd like to hear it from you.
Frasier: Well, it wasn't my finest hour. Let's just say that I got in there, realized I made a mistake, and then tried like hell to get out! There was a lot of shouting, and then a line started to form behind me. Fortunately, my brother was with me for moral support, and, well, let's face it, somebody to talk to. You know, you'd be amazed how long twenty minutes can be when you're watching the clock. At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars!

Proxy Prexy

Martin: Yeah, even you couldn't lose a one-man election.
Frasier: Are you forgetting 1998?
Martin: Oh, yeah, when you lost to the dead guy.
Frasier: He wasn't dead, he was in a coma. How was I supposed to compete with that?

Niles: Do you want to join us in a little mélange?
Roz: What?
Daphne: You'll love it. Niles is amazing.

Roz: Oh. Fruit salad? Oh my God, I thought you said ménage!
Niles: Well, the fruits do mix a little promiscuously.
Roz: I was thinking, "Oh my God, what are they saying?"
Niles: Rest assured, we would have offered you something more than fruit salad to get you in the mood.
Daphne: You know what? She didn't say no.

Frasier: Well, well, well. The puppet thinks he's a real boy.

Roz: Hi, can I join you guys?
Daphne: I think someone is coming on to us.
Niles: Someone just can't leave us alone.
Roz: Okay, you guys have been doing this for over two weeks. Lay off.
Niles: I thought "laying off" was exactly what you didn't want us to do!
Daphne: That's a good one.
Roz: It doesn't even make sense. Listen, I don't want to have a threesome with you. I never wanted to have a threesome with you, and I will not have a threesome with you! So quit bringing it up!
Daphne: I think we went a little too far.
Niles: Not as far as she wanted to go.

Kissing Cousin

Martin: I'll nuke it with some ketchup.
Niles: That's ridiculous. You can't use your turkey recipe on fish.

Tales from the Crypt

Mrs Moon: My lungs are as strong as ever. Just yesterday, I finished a whole cigarette in two drags. One off me record!

Frasier: Todd, I am getting "dead" from you. But I am not getting "undead."
Todd: Still?
Frasier: Let’s try this then. After rehearsal, I want each of you to write a paragraph detailing who your character was when he or she was alive, how they died, and why they’re now after Bulldog’s brain.

Frasier: Todd, take off that baseball cap. You’re undead, not uncouth.

Daphne: Mum, we’re off to the symphony.
Mrs Moon: Haven’t the Germans punished us enough?

Mother: It seems our children have been feuding. We’re very embarrassed.
Niles: You’re embarrassed? Meet our daughter.
Mrs Moon: Hello!

Star Mitzvah

Noel: The Seattle Star Trek convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.
Frasier: Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
Noel: I would, but William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid. It wasn't even a real phaser.
Frasier: Noel, don't you have any friends that could do this for you?
Noel: Trust me, there are no friends in the world of Star Trek autography.

Daphne: What are you hiding?
Niles: Oh... Um... some years ago...
Frasier: In a complete drunken stupor.
Martin: Totally stinko.
Niles: Yes. I had an unplanned, uh, and instantly regretted, uh, night of amore... with Lilith.
Daphne: A one-nighter?
Niles: Of amore.
Daphne: Lilith?!
Niles: Well, it was after Maris, and long before you. In fact, it's pretty funny when you think about it.
Niles: And remember, I was drunk.
Daphne: You'd have to be, wouldn't you? Oh, sorry, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, no, drinking definitely took the edge off.

Roz: You taught him dirty words in Hebrew, didn't you?
Noel: Uh, not quite. They're the same words, but they're in Klingon.
Roz: From Star Trek? That's not even real.
Noel: It's the fastest growing language on the planet! This is what you people don't understand. A man named Gene Roddenberry had a vision...

Lilith: I am very proud to participate in the coming-of-age ritual of my son, Frederick Gaylord Crane. Frederick, on this momentous occasion, I can only look at you and see that innocent, chubby-legged toddler who once danced naked at the Boston Pops. The little boy whose favorite dish was "buh-sghetti." I can't count the number of bedtimes we spent cuddled together reading The Cat in the Hat. "The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play, so we sat in the house on that cold, cold wet day." Don't grow up! Not yet!

Frasier: I've been trying to console myself with the idea that without embarassing parents, there'd be no psychology.

Bristle while you work

Frasier: You haven't even graded any of the candidates, you've simply doodled a war plane dropping bombs on a soldier.
Martin: That's not a soldier.
Frasier: Well, then why is he wearing a helmet?
Martin: It's not a helmet. It's someone with a big head!

Trish: Oh, just to let you know, I'll be out of town until the first.
Frasier: Fine, then I'll be sure to call you the second. (he closes the door) I lose my mind!

Martin: You're gonna get water all over the clean floor.
Frasier: Well, maybe you can have Trish wax this floor tomorrow.
Martin: She already did. It took her two hours. And it just took you two seconds to mess it up and start complaining!
Frasier: Well I'm not complaining, Dad, but look at these streaks here. It's like she never waxed a floor before.
Martin: All you do is nag, nag, nag! Meanwhile she tried a new fabric softener on your sweater and you didn't even notice!

Frasier: Well, I'll say this much, the place does smell lemony fresh.
Martin: That shows what you know. It's country breeze.

Trish: You still owe me for the days I was supposed to be here last week.
Martin: Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the first... (He slams the door) asteroid hits Earth!

Rooms with a View

Frasier: He'll receive general anesthesia once he's on the operating table. Now, if you'd like to follow along in your handouts, I could take you through the first steps of the procedure.
Daphne: The doctor explained everything to us yesterday.
Frasier: Yes, but did he have a mnemonic verse that goes along to the tune of "Camp Town Races"?

Dr Schafer: Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.
Frasier: And my expert opinion says otherwise.
Dr Schafer: Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.
Frasier: Maybe I should!

Daphne: Why do you keep saying my name?
Niles: I just want to say it as many times as I can, Daphne.

Niles: All roads lead to the hospital. We're born here, we get sick here, we get well here. All these big dramatic moments and the hospital just gobbles 'em up. Do you think a hospital has memories? I bet it does. I bet when I walked in it thought "Oh, you again. You're the little boy who broke his leg in 1966. Hello, old friend." Wow, a talking hospital. That would be cool. When are these drugs going to kick in? I don't even know why I need surgery. This is the best I've felt in years. Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne...
Orderly: Okay, you ready to take a little trip?
Frasier: I think he already is.

Martin, looking at women's magazines: Oh, geez, would you look at this. "Ten Saucy Secrets to Please Him in Bed." You know damn well there are only four. The rest are just do-si-dos.

Martin: Frasier, say hello to your new brother.
Young Frasier: I don't like him.

Frasier: Did you thoroughly suction the cardioplegic solution? See, I'm a doctor.
Nurse: Oh yes, Dr Schafer told me about you. He said if you started asking me questions, I should do this. (She leaves)
Frasier: Oh, I get it! Very nice!

Frasier: Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but in just about twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page 24-C--
Daphne: He's not a diagram! He's my husband and he's lying on an operating table with his chest cut open! I'm sorry if I can't handle this as well as the rest of you, but I'm terrified!
Roz: Daphne, it's okay. Just calm down. You know when this is all over we're--
Daphne: There is no "when this is over"! There's no tomorrow, no next week, no next year! There's nothing until he comes out of there and I know he's okay!

Future Niles: Say hello to your new sister.
Future Daphne: Look, she's smiling at you.

Don't go Breaking my Heart

Niles: Since my incident, birds sing more sweetly. The sky is so much bluer.
Frasier: Niles, it has rained every day this week.
Niles: I see rain differently too.

Roz, as Frasier whales on an inflatable clown: I'm beginning to regret betting on the clown.

Mrs Moon: What's all this?
Daphne: Food for the poor.
Mrs Moon: Oh, it must be nice to be poor and have people just giving you food.

Martin: Don't need to explain to me, son. I know what it's like to cheat death.
Niles: That's true, although I think I got a little closer than you did.
Martin: Oh really? Well, let's see. I got shot by a gun, and you ate a bunch of cheese.
Niles: I was clinically dead for several minutes. I looked death square in the eye.
Martin: Well, you might have looked him in the eye, but I shook his hand.
Niles: Really. Well I kissed him on the cheek.
Martin: Well, I kissed him on the lips. Also, death was a girl.

Niles: I know my fears aren't rational. I know my heart is sound. I feel fine. But I felt fine before this happened. How do I know that the same thing isn't going to...
Martin: Well, you don't know! That's exactly what I came to realize. Life's a crap shoot. We could all go at any time. That's why we have to make the most of whatever time we've got. Like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.

We Two Kings

Martin: Why don't you just use the punch bowl?
Frasier: Because then it wouldn't be wassail, it would be punch.

Daphne: Me dad used to say that punch would make you want to kiss the donkey in the manger scene and wassail makes you want to check into the inn.

Daphne: Mum is spending Christmas on a cruise, an early Christmas present from Niles.
Niles: Yes, I didn't think she'd go for it, but apparently in international waters you can play single deck Black Jack.

Frasier: But I've had new stockings loomed for everyone - now there, you see, you've made me spoil the surprise - and did anyone hear that I have ordered a Hungarian goose?
Niles: Which you are more than welcome to bring to our place.
Frasier: It's not my date, it's dinner!

Martin: I need a few days to think about it. In the meantime, decision-making is thirsty work, I sure could use a beer.
(Frasier and Niles both run to get beer.)
Martin: A little trick their mom taught me.

Frasier: Actually this is another Dancing Santa for dad. His other one got damaged.
Roz: I thought you threw that thing over the balcony?
Frasier: Yes, which damaged it.

Frasier: It just seems that Niles is systematically emptying my home. We used to have Thanksgiving dinner there... gone! Daphne... gone! If I let him have Christmas, I'll have nothing left. Just end up some doddering old bachelor sipping tea and keeping the apartment at a balmy seventy-eight degrees.
Roz: And how is that different from now?

Frasier: Excuse me Niles, but I have news for you. Copernicus called and you are not the center of the universe!

Niles: Look, I'm getting goose bumps!
Frasier: Oh no, Niles that's your pine rash, you're too close to the tree.

Daphne: Oh, my God. You're in love with Santa Claus.
Roz: No, I'm not.
Daphne: Well, it makes sense when you think about it. Santa's the perfect man. He's a good listener, he likes to travel, he gives great presents.
Roz: Give me a break.
Daphne: Admit it. You want the jelly belly.
Roz: Okay, don't be gross.
Daphne: You want to bang boots with the big boy.
Roz: I have to get to work.
Daphne: You want to get your paws on the Claus is more like it.
Roz: Stop it, Daphne! That's enough!
Daphne: One more: you're a Ho, Ho, Ho.

Martin keeps walking in unexpectedly.
Niles: He could be an assassin in those slippers.

Martin, lifting a gift: Ooh, heavy. This must be a good one, unless it's a book.

Door Jam

Frasier: It's a machine. It's asking me to enter my six-digit access code. What'll I do?
Martin: Why don't you just punch in whatever keys spell out "snobby"?

Frasier: All right, here's our plan. We go to the university computer lab, bribe some hungry hacker, and, once we've tapped into their mainframe, La Porte D'Argent will give up her sweet secret like a blushing bride on her wedding night!
Martin: Why don't you just go down there and ask them what they do?
Frasier: All right, Dad, that's a plan B.

Daphne: So what kind of hoity toity place did it end up being?
Frasier: It was a hell-hole! They had the nerve to call it a day spa, when it's nothing more than a mere front for a bona fide luxury spa which taunts those kept at bay outside its golden door!
Martin: If you didn't go in, how do you know it's better?
Frasier: It had to be! The door was gold, ours was only silver. Gold is better than silver.
Niles: Stupid silver.

Frasier: There's a platinum door.
Niles: Platinum? Are you sure?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: Is it guarded?
Frasier: No! It's just brazenly standing there!
Niles: Then rip the cucumbers from my eyes and let's go!

Frasier: Niles, this is heaven, right here and now! Why do we have think about someplace else?
Niles: This is only heaven to the people that can't get into the real heaven. The platinum heaven.
Frasier: Niles, why can't we be happy? Why must we allow the thought of something that at this point can only be incrementally better ruin what is here and now?
Niles: I don't know. Let's figure it out on the other side!

Frasier: "Please remain in the relaxation grotto"? Have crueler words ever been spoken?

Frasier: Niles! Healing warmth and light! It must be a magnificent solarium!
Niles: Goodbye sweet and edible facials, hello radiant life-giving sun! It's beautiful, it's beautiful!
Frasier: Yes! This is where we belong!
Niles: ...Do you smell garbage?

The Harassed

Frasier: I have apologized till I'm blue in the face.
Kenny: I know. But legal wants us covered in case Julia tries to come after us. Maybe you've heard, she loves suing people's asses off. I'm going to miss saying "asses." After today, I guess it's back to "patootie." Thanks a lot, Doc.

(I looooove Niles and Daphne's answering machine!!)

Gil: From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for my wandering eye over the years. Those whom I mentally undressed, and... you know who you are... all I can say - and it's a poor defense - is that I was a product of the thoughtless machismo of my times.
Van: Thank you, Gil.
Gil: But know this: Gil isn't about to stop loving the ladies.

Lilith Needs a Favour

(And Frasier runs out of good episode titles)

Frasier: So, just like that we're going to have another baby together.
Lilith: No, not "just like that." I mapped out our dominant and recessive traits on a genome square, applied Mendel's laws, allowed for anomalies and concluded that you are the best biological choice.
Frasier: I see. Well, as enticed as I am by your honeyed words, I'm gonna need some kissin.'
Lilith: Frasier, don't misunderstand, I'm not proposing any change in our relationship.
Frasier: Would we... sleep together?
Lilith: I thought we'd freeze your sperm.
Frasier: Is that a yes or a no?

Martin: I bet if you say no she'll go to Niles. ... And Niles'll say no for sure. Which means only one thing. She'll come to the source. Me. The fountainhead.
Frasier: What?
Martin: Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brother to you and Niles and Freddie.
Frasier: What are you talking about?
Martin: And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his step-father and his brother and Niles would be your son and his own uncle. It's almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story.

Frasier: I'm just saying Daphne's mom should be careful, you know. If you're here on a temporary visa, you know sometimes people have a hard time getting back into the country.
Niles: That hadn't occurred to me, Frasier.

Lilith, as Frasier goes to make his donation: And don't fall asleep afterwards.

Lilith: My name's Lilith.
Albert: Ah, the demon-goddess. Are you like the independent fireball that was your predecessor?
Lilith: I make her look like a vacillating cream puff.

Daphne Does Dinner

Daphne, to a workman: Oh, no you don't. You said "one day" when I hired you, and that's what it's going to be. So get cracking, because something's going to be hanging from that rafter by the end of the day.
Workman: Yes ma'am.
Niles: Daphne, you handled that so masterfully! As if he weren't wearing that authoritative tool belt at all!

Niles: Daphne's handling the food.
Frasier: Lovely. So you'll be serving those sad brown chunks that make their way from plate to napkin, bypassing mouth completely.

Frasier: Well, if you should need any help, I think you know my phone number.
Niles: Number three on our speed dial.
Frasier: Number three. Interesting.

Roz: I can't believe how calm you are. I would be a nervous wreck by now.
Daphne: Well, I was nervous at first. But every step I thought, "How would Frasier and Niles do this?" and didn't do that.

Daphne: I thought you were going to rent "Castaway."
Mrs Moon: If I wanted to watch someone talk to a volleyball for two hours, I would have stayed in Manchester with your Aunt Evelyn.

Mrs Moon: Oh, you needn't worry about me. I'm going to watch a boxing match on pay-per-view. Ooh, there's nothing like two great, sweaty beasts beating each other senseless. I miss your father.

Frasier: As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
Martin: As usual, Martin has to hear about it.

Frasier, to his already-cooking Cornish hens: Suit up, boys. We're goin' in.

Alex: Is this the Mike Shaw painting?
Niles: Yes.
Alex: I'm dying to see it.
Daphne: Sorry, no peeking. You'll have to wait till the unveiling.
Alex: That sounds like a challenge. You're going to have to watch me like a hawk.
Daphne: Oh, won't that be fun.

Frasier: You know, honestly, Daphne, if these interruptions don't stop, my signature sauce will be reduced to a monogram.

Mike Shaw: You wouldn't have anything to drink up there, would you?
Mrs Moon: Just liquor.

Niles: You know zero about art. Don't say a word or these people will see right through you.
Martin: Yeah, I'm sure a phony would really stand out at this party.

Antonia: It is so refreshing to have someone speak so candidly.
Martin: And you have to believe me because I'm a fancy-ass artist.
Alex: I know, why don't you take us through the house and you can tell us what you think of Niles' art?
Martin: Oh, sure. I've been waiting to do that for a long time.

Frasier: Daphne, congratulations. You're now officially a Crane.

Fraternal Schwinns

Niles: There is nothing between you and the ground but the ground itself.
Frasier: Yes! And if a child of four can ride one, then so can we.
Niles: That's what we said when we were six!

Roz: Alice wants to practice riding her bicycle for Saturday.
Frasier: Really?
Roz: Mm-hm, she loves it. I mean, she had that bike one day before she made me take her training wheels off.
Frasier: Tell me, does she ever find that she feels as though her feet are frozen to the pedals? Stuck in a confused, arhythmic battle between forward and reverse, until finally, with no locomotive momentum whatsoever, she keels over like a felled tree?
Roz: I don't think so.
Frasier: Well good, good. Because...that's a real thing that happens to some kids.

Martin: I tried teaching them, but I had to take them to the hospital so many times, social services started sniffing around.
Niles: All these years, it's been our secret shame.
Frasier: Yes, and it hasn't been easy concealing it, either. People are always saying in conversation "It's just like riding a bike." I can smile, and nod. But I only understand it in theory.

Kenny on the Couch

Frasier: Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child trauma.
Martin: What's your generation gonna do when we're all gone and there's no one left to blame?

Frasier: The man has father issues, any number of neuroses, and a phobia or two.
Niles: Sounds to me like you've hit the crackpot. ... I'm sorry. I heard it at a convention.

Martin: Don't you want him to be happy?
Frasier: I am not trying to make him happy. I am trying to cure his depression!

Yoga instructor, on the phone with his mom: So what if Jerry brings a different dish to every meal? It doesn't make him a god. Has Jerry achieved inner peace? I'm just asking, Mom, has Jerry achieved inner peace?

Yoga instructor: You're doing so much better this week.
Niles: Thank you. I just did what you suggested, and imagined myself having the reptilian sinuousness of a lizard scuttling across the desert floor.
Yoga instructor: I thought I said rain forest.
Niles: You did, but I don't like the damp.

Roe to Perdition

Niles, trying the caviar: It's like being kissed by a lusty mermaid!

Daphne: Otherwise, you could end up like my brother Nigel and his baby teeth.
Niles, after a long pause: What happened with your brother Nigel and his baby teeth?
Daphne: Well, like any child, the first time he had a tooth fall out he put it under his pillow at bedtime, and sure enough, the next morning he found that Winston Churchill had left him a shiny new coin.
Martin: Question.
Niles: No, Dad, we're not stopping. Go ahead, darling.
Daphne: Well, instead of being grateful, he got greedy and went off to school, punching people in their mouths and scooping up their teeth. Of course, it didn't work and he got kicked out of school, became a thief, and eventually went to prison.
Frasier: Where he... fittingly had all of his teeth knocked out...?
Daphne: No, he lost his teeth years earlier in a rock-eating contest. Now that's an interesting story. We were renting a house next to a quarry at the time...
Martin: All right, all right, I'll call the bank!

Martin: Per-son-al!
Niles: What you doing, Dad?
Martin: Oh, it's this stupid bank's automated voice system. It's like a maze!
Frasier: All right, give it here. You just push "O," and you'll get an operator. Little trick I learned. Another menu, hmm. Sometimes it's a star. All right, maybe "1" will get me back to a main menu. Ah. Here you go.
Martin: Got me to the right department?
Frasier: No, but if I remember my high school Spanish correctly, you just qualified for a small-business loan.

Teller: Hi, can I help you?
Martin: Yes, uh, I was at one of your ATM's yesterday, and it gave me back more than it should have, so I want to--
Teller: Okay, for that you're going to need to complete an ATM trouble report and then take it to our operations officer at the desk over there.
Martin: You mean I have to fill this out before I can give you forty bucks?
Teller: Yes, sir.
Martin: But your sign says "Making banking simpler"!
Teller: Yes, sir.
Martin: Well, this isn't simpler, it's more complicated!
Teller: Yes, sir, it is.

Vladimir: $80 an ounce.
Frasier: Well, we were paying $40.
Vladimir: And now you pay 80.
Frasier: 50.
Vladimir: 80.
Frasier: 60.
Vladimir: 80.
Niles: I don't think you're doing this right.
Frasier: 70, that's my final offer!
Vladimir: 80.
Frasier: Done!

Farewell Nervosa

Frasier: My name is Frasier, this is my brother Niles. We're thinking of making this our regular haunt.
Bartender: Way to go.
Frasier: We'll have two espressos, please. I'm sorry, and your name is?
Bartender: Steve.
Frasier: Stephen. Outstanding.
Bartender: Just Steve.
Frasier: Steve. I look forward to years of this sort of lively banter.

Avery: This is really not a good time.
Frasier: And why the hell not?
Julia, from inside the closet: Because I'm in the closet!

Avery: He was always trying to be the hero. You know, one night back at Oxford, he crawled out onto a ledge to rescue what turned out to be a gargoyle.

The Devil and Dr Phil

Mrs Moon, working at Cafe Nervosa: Here ya go. I couldn't remember if you wanted it black or not, so I brought it both ways.
Frasier: Well, that's very thoughtful of you. Thank you.
Mrs Moon: No, you might as well keep it, you're paying for both.

Bebe on Dr Phil: Isn't he marvelous? He's a cowboy wrapped in a genius wrapped in a dream... wrapped in another cowboy.

On Bebe, Roz: What a phony, huh?
Frasier: She used to be my phony.

Bebe: Frasier, have you ever wondered what it would be like if I could apply what I've learned to you?
Frasier: Yes I have. But it cannot be. Can it?
Bebe: Dangerous thoughts. You're a siren, luring me to the rocks. But I must resist or you'll hurt me again.
Frasier: No, I'm no siren, I'm a man. A man with ambitions.
Bebe: "Ambition." The word is candy to me. Damn you, devil-man, I must go. I'm all confused and woozy...

Niles: I think I figured it out. Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse.

Frasier: It's all about the dance. It's all about the possibility of sex, the promise that's never delivered that keeps them tantalized. One only needs to know how not to cross the line.
Niles: Excuse me, but didn't you sleep with her once?
Frasier: Yes, that's how I know where the line is. I almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless woman suffering from an unslakable thirst for...
Frasier and Niles: Crane!

Frasier: The future is firmly in front of me!
Roz: Isn't the future always in front of you?
Frasier: Yes, but not firmly!

Fathers and Sons

Roz: I've never met one person who didn't get at least one date through their pet.
Frasier: Well, meet me! Four years of high school and not a single encounter generated! Stupid fish.

Leland: That is a Coco Chanel sofa unless I'm mistaken.
Frasier: It is an exact replica of the one in her Paris atelier. You know, not many people even notice it.
Leland: Well, not many people have passed out drunk on the original.

Martin: Lot's of people like art and sherry and French stuff. It doesn't mean they're not related. By your logic, everyone on the cooking channel is their father.

Niles, considering baby names: Okay, so "Delilah" is out? No, that's fine, that's fine. What are your ideas? Taylor. Fletcher. Cooper. Tanner? Where are you getting these, the Big Book of Medieval Professions?

Niles: Now it just sounds like you're reading from the spice rack.

Roz: Of course Frasier and Niles are your sons. You're exactly like them.
Martin: Like? How?
Roz: Your strong sense of ethics.
Martin: Yeah, we are ethical. What else?
Roz: The way they spin out of control.
Martin: Yeah, that's true. They get that from me.
Roz: Their stubbornness.
Martin: I'm not stubborn.
Roz: Their defensiveness.
Martin: What's that supposed to mean?
Roz: The way they completely dismiss anyone who doesn't share their opinion.
Martin: Oh, now you're just being dumb.

Daphne: What about "Jack"?
Niles: Afraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name. So you either run them together - "JacKrane" - or you face the dreaded glottal stop - "JacK Crane," "JacK Crane." It's unpleasant for the throat.

School Official: Last name "Crane," first name "Ichabod."
Director: Well, if they're not going to take the application seriously, how can we expect them to take St. Osric's seriously?

Analyzed Kiss

Julia: Well, Roz, Kenny told me about your job interview. Good luck.
Roz: Oh, I get it. It'll be good luck because if I get the job, I'll be gone.
Julia: No, it sounds like a good position for you.
Roz: Right, cause I get into a lot of sexual positions with a lot of guys.
Julia: I'm saying congratulations.
Roz: Oh. Thank you. (To Frasier) What's her problem?

Julia: You really do try to see the best in everyone, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, I do.
Julia: So, what do you see when you look at me?
Frasier: Well, I see a woman who's been hurt, not once but many times. A woman who finds it so difficult to trust someone, she won't allow herself to be vulnerable... A woman whose eyes are going to get stuck if she keeps rolling them like that!

Frasier: What was that?
Julia: What?
Frasier: You kissed me.
Julia: I was trying to shut you up.
Frasier: Oh, no. I've been kissed to shut me up before. This was not that.

Roz: Turns out the person who's interviewing me is a guy I've slept with.
Frasier: What are the odds?
Roz: It was ten years ago, at a convention in Cancun. We were all hammered.
Frasier: Oh, I'm surprised you even remember him.
Roz: Well, it's hard to forget when you wake up with a nametag on your pillow that says, "Hola! My name is Woody Whizwell."

Roz: Okay, look, I think there's something that needs to be said here. Why don't we just get it all out in the open? Yes, we slept together in Cancun, but I don't want that to affect the job. I mean, it was ten years ago, I...
Woody: What are you talking about? Look, I think you have me mistaken for someone else.
Roz: And I think I would remember a name like Woody Whizwell. I mean, seriously, whose named Woody Whizwell?
Woody: Yeah, well, just me and my dad.

Martin: Niles, we think they want to overthrow the government!
Niles: That's what you say about public television.

Julia, after kissing Frasier: Oh, it's just like the feeling you get when you see a cute teddy bear in the store and you want to hug it until its head pops off!

Frasier: Oh, I recognize that one. That was to shut me up.

A New Position for Roz

Frasier: In the meantime, we have with us today Noel Shempsky, a KACL employee whose sole qualification for this job seems to be that he has never taken a sick day.
Noel: Good afternoon, listeners, near and stars away. Our first query comes from a Class M planet we call Earth, and appears to be personal in nature. Oh, and his name is Glen.

Noel to Roz: You know, maybe I would learn more if you sat down behind me and guided my hands, like they did in Ghost.

Roz: Do you mind? I'm trying to show Noel what I do.
Julia: Is that why he's on his knees?

Frasier on Julia: I think she's been misjudged. Sure, she's got a lot of walls up, but there must be something good inside if it needs that much protection.
Roz: Well, there are walls around prisons, too.
Frasier: Yes, Roz, your opinion has been noted.
Roz: There are walls around insane asylums, cholera wards...
Frasier: Thank you, Roz.
Roz: Nuclear facilities, gator farms...

Niles: A grandmother can be a wonderful influence on a child.
Mrs Moon: Alice, you help Auntie Gert find her cigarettes, and you can have one.

Bulldog: Now, I don't want to say Roz has had a lot of sex, but she's spent more time on her back than King Tut. Did you hear the story about the guy at KACL who didn't have sex with Roz? Me neither. But, uh, seriously, what's the difference between Roz and a dog in heat? No, really, I'm asking. ... You people suck!
Frasier: It's not a roast, Bulldog.
Bulldog: It's not? I paid a guy at the Chuckle Factory 50 bucks to write jokes for me.
Gil: When's he getting here?

Gil: Of course, I too noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral. She made us want to paw the ground and rise up on our powerful haunches, fetlocks glistening. Smokey, Misty, Stormy, away!

Frasier: You were there on my first day at KACL, and you took me under your wing.
Bulldog: It's crowded under there.
Noel to Bulldog: I will kill you!

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