No Sex Please, We're Skittish

Frasier: Are your pants humming?
Niles: It's my testicular hypothermia device. It promotes motility by keeping my nether regions at a cool and constant ninety-six degrees.

Frasier: Look what happened with Roz. We slept together two ago, she's still suffering. ... In the sense of pining!
Niles: Well, Frasier, you don't really suppose that after one night Julia--
Frasier: Oh, open your eyes, Niles! It's the same scenario - an infatuated co-worker, a night of passion. What if things don't work out between us? Every day she'll be forced to stare through the glass at me. Wondering what might have been, until one day, like Roz, she goes mad!
Niles: Um... I'm leaving now. Can I pick you up anything on Earth?

Niles, as his pants beep: Oh, I have to plug myself into the cigarette lighter and recharge.

Frasier: Okay, okay, just to be clear, you haven't been pining for me since we slept together?
Roz: God, no! Weren't you there?
Frasier: Hold that thought, I've got to get in the kitchen and move something back to the front burner.

Niles: But my slow sperm...
Daphne: I must have fast eggs!

A Man, a Plan, and a Gal: Julia

Martin: What are you going to go see?
Frasier: Well, there's this new Russian film in town about a Crimean War vet.
(Eddie runs away.)
Martin: No, Eddie! Would it have killed you to say Crimean War circus?

Julia: You're not just saying this to get in my pants, are you?
Frasier: No. And if I did get in your pants, well... I'd want to stay there forever. ... I said that much more elegantly in the sonnet.

Niles: Frasier, what are you doing in the kitchen?
Frasier: You just asked to see me.
Niles: Oh, so you haven't gone deaf.
Frasier: Why would I have gone deaf?
Niles: Because that's the only good reason you sat there silently while our profession was assaulted like a drag queen at a tractor pull!

Daphne: She certainly takes a lot of calls at dinnertime.
Frasier: You know, that's exactly the kind of flaw that the old Frasier would have seized upon as a pretext to end the relationship, but I know now that impulse to run is really an indication that my feelings for her are just deepening, and um... gone are the days when I would have said something like, "How rude!" or "She's horrible. I've made a ghastly, ghastly mistake."

Julia: Nice towels, Frasier, you'd think a couple of old ladies lived here.
Frasier: Get out!

The Doctor is Out

Niles: Bad Billy's. What sort of place do you think that is?
Frasier: Well, let's see. Tuesday is leather night, so it's probably some sort of shoe outlet.

Niles, yelling at Frasier in the gay bar: I'm begging you, please take me home!

Roz: You know what Barry was doing from 10:00 until midnight last night?
Frasier: What?
Roz: Me, that's what! He's not gay, whereas you, Miss Marple, you've just been outed.

Gil: You poor man! How long you must have dreaded this dark, yet inevitable day. I so wish you could have been allowed to come out in a time and manner of your own choosing, instead of being wrenched from your closet, your voice cracking, your cheeks crimson with shame...
Frasier: Gil, I am not gay.
Gil: Oh, Frasier, you can't play coy once you've been caught traipsing about Bad Billy's in shorts that left little to the imagination.
Frasier: They were not my shorts! I simply borrowed them because my own had split when I bent over!
Gil: Oh, please! We don't need to know everything. I just want to say that your KACL family will be here for you as you take your first brave steps on that yellow brick road to pride and self-acceptance and...
Frasier: Oh, shut up, you big queen!
Gil: I see Kitty has claws.

Frasier: Oh, Dad. You care for a coffee?
Martin: Nah. I can see where you might think I would, though. A guy walks into a coffee bar, he can't blame people for thinking he likes coffee.
Frasier: Yes, Dad.
Martin: Course, if he didn't like it, he could make that clear to people. He might say, "I am not a coffee drinker." Or, "I have never tried coffee even once."
Frasier: Yes, all right, Dad.
Martin: "I am not even curious about..."
Frasier: Yes, all right!

Niles: Did you see that? I would kill to go to that party! I was at that gay bar too, you know.
Martin: Let's see. One of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good.

Martin: You just met him last week, what's going on? He kissed you.
Frasier: Well, he's a man of the theater, he kisses everyone. Well, it's not like he's the first gay friend I've ever had.
Niles: He's the first one who thinks you're gay, too.
Frasier: He does not think I'm gay.
Niles: He thinks I'm gay, and I'm standing next to my pregnant wife.

Niles: Well, it looks like Nigel won't be the only one giving up his seat tonight.
Frasier: I could scratch your eyes out and not one person here would find it strange.

Alistair: You seem nervous. Don't be. And I want to thank you for waiting.
Frasier: Oh no, the waiting was good, I enjoyed the waiting.
Alistair: Oh, me too! How it sharpens the appetite. How it builds! The intensity, the heat, the desire! Can you feel it?
Frasier: Oh yes, there it is!!

The Babysitter

Ronee: Hey, Niles, do you remember when I used to tell you those scary bed time stories?
Niles: No, not really.
Ronee: Yeah, yeah. You thought there were earwig eggs on all the furniture and you started taking one of those hankies out and wiping off all the chairs before you'd sit in them because you were afraid.
Niles: Nothing still, I'm sorry.
Ronee: I'm glad. For a while there I was afraid that maybe I scarred you for life.

Martin: Hey, she was flirting with me!
Frasier: She was flirting with me! You just got caught in the crossfire!

Niles: What are you doing with Dad's Velveeta?
Frasier: Well, what do you think I'm doing? I'm gonna eat it.
Niles: Okay, Frasier, this isn't funny anymore.

Frasier: It's Viagra!
Niles: They give that away with Velveeta?
Frasier: No. It's a prescription for Martin Crane. Why do you suppose he would put it in here?
Niles: Hiding it, I assume. What better place than a box Pandora herself would be loathe to open?

Martin: Well, I don't know. Ronee and I have been getting kinda close this week and last night we started foolin' around and it was great. I mean, I was rounding the bases, the coach was waving me in, there wasn't even gonna be a play at the plate...
Frasier: Dad, it's us.
Martin: Huh? Oh, right. Well, anyway, that was when something happened. Or didn't happen. Which has never not happened before. So, I decided today to go out and get some... cheese.

The Placeholder

Frasier: Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?
Roz: Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr. Mothballs.

Frasier, seeing himself in the mirror, with cat and shawl: Dear God, I'm Aunt Shirley!

I'm Listening

Niles rambles on, then: Oh, you've lost interest, haven't you?
Frasier: I was feigning interest to begin with.

Niles: Don't drag me into this, I don't know a thing about it.
Frasier: You know as much as I do, I just briefed you.
Niles: Well, I didn't want to be briefed.
Frasier: Well, then you should have said something, now you're in as deep as I am! You can't unscramble an egg, Niles.

Frasier: I understand why you'd be upset, but please don't shoot the messenger.
Martin: Well, the messenger's got it coming if he's a dirty little eavesdropper!

Martin: Now I know why you're always saying "I'm listening" - because you always are!

Daphne: I'm pregnant.
Niles: What does that have to do with it?
Daphne: It's my blanket excuse until the baby is born. After that, it'll be, "I can't leave the baby." Get used to it.

Frasier to Martin: Was that a "leave me alone" grunt, or a "you've bested me again, son, with your unassailable logic" grunt?

Maris Returns

Daphne: I'm sorry I snapped at you.
Niles: Did you snap at me? I didn't even notice.
Daphne: That's because you don't listen!

Niles: Well, happy sailing through the choppy waters of the dysfunctional and the disturbed.

Frasier: First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.

Jane: You were in bed with my sister and, uh, right in the middle of things I guess you called her "Milady."
Frasier: I see.
Jane: I'm sorry.
Frasier: No, no, please. It's important that you feel free to express yourself to me. Please, go on.
Jane: All right. It became this, like, running joke between me and my sister. She called me "Milady" and I called her "Milady" and my mother started doing it and now my aunt has a cat named "Milady."

Niles: She was hysterical. I haven't heard her this panicked since her strength gave out halfway through a revolving door.
[N.B. Joke recycled from "Our Father, whose Art ain't Heaven."]

Niles: She's gotten involved with some Argentine polo player. Turns out he's a cad and a gold digger, with a violent temper to boot.
Martin: That's probably what she put in her ad.

Niles: Poor thing completely lost her appetite, barely touched her snail.

Martin: You don't tell your pregnant wife you had lunch with your ex.
Frasier: Yes, I agree with Dad. Normally, I'm a proponent of telling the truth, but as a man who's dealt with a pregnant spouse, I say lie, lie until your pants are on fire.

Niles: I was just calling to see if you were on your way.
Daphne: I used to move faster before I was carrying your child around in me.

Niles, at the surprise shower for Daphne: None of Daphne's friends could make it. I told the caterer I wanted a maternity motif, he thought I said "fraternity" and now we have three kegs of beer and a six foot hoagie.

Kenny: Kenny Daley, Frasier's boss. Roz invited me. Sorry I didn't bring a present.
Niles: Actually, you did. A baby blanket. You'll find it in the pile on the table.
Kenny: Great. Oh, by the way, your wife's a peach.
Niles: My wife isn't here yet.
Kenny: Oh, no. Whose stomach did I just rub?

Daphne: All these people who mean so much to us. Mom and Frasier and... you... And our doorman.

Daphne: I don't see many of my friends yet. Will Holly be coming? Margaret or Tina?
Niles: Well, I had to make the cut off somewhere.

Niles: I can't! I'm telling her another lie every time I open my mouth!
Martin: Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It's called "marriage"!

Frasier: I'm starting to think this return to private practice was a big mistake.
Peggy: Everyone's first day is a little rough. Well, except mine. I didn't even have to do any billing.

Daphne: I suppose I have been a little bit difficult lately, haven't I?
Niles: There's just no good answer to that.

Niles: I tell you Maris will never come between us again.
Radio Announcer: ...by Dvorak under the baton of Sir Adrian Adler. And now the headlines. Police have just arrested Seattle socialite Maris Crane for the murder of her lover, Argentine polo star Esteban de Rojo. De Rojo was killed this evening at Mrs. Crane's...

Murder Most Maris

Frasier: Do you want to just stay at my place?
Daphne: Oh, thanks, but if I have them drive me out of me own home, then they've won.
Frasier, answering the phone: Hello? Yes, I'll tell her. That was your mother. She heard the news. She's on her way over.
Daphne: I'll pack a bag. You get the car.

Martin: They're holding her as a flight risk.
Niles: Can you imagine?
Martin: Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.

Niles: I can't believe she could have planned this. You do learn something about a woman when you've slept in a room next to hers for fifteen years.

Martin: Is that you and Maris on your honeymoon?
Niles: Ah, that is the experimental liposuction center in Gstaad. So, yes.

Niles: There's plenty of time to sleep after the baby's born.
Ah, how naive.

Niles: That was Maris. Poor thing lost her shoes. She put them outside her cell to be polished, and someone named Big Judy is holding them for ransom.

Frasier: Recent events involving my brother, Niles Crane and his ex-wife are tragic, almost as tragic as the rampant media speculation concerning his involvement. If there is any justice in the world, Maris Crane and Niles Crane will soon be executed. Thank you, that is all I have to say.

Frasier: They know I meant "exonerated"!!

Daphne: Oh, don't worry. Anyone can make a little slip. We know you were only trying to ruin our lives -- I mean, help.

Niles: I'm truly blessed to have such a loving and supportive wife. She is at once my huggle-bunny and my rock.
Daphne: I think I might throw up.
Niles: Huggle-bunny was a bit much.
Daphne: No, no, my stomach is upset.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, can I get you something?
Daphne: Oh, thank you, Frasier. I wouldn't mind ten years in prison -- oh, I meant crackers.
Frasier: Well, I guess I deserved that, but may I remind you I'm a bit of a victim myself, as just yesterday I was punched in the face by a man now dead.

Daphne: If you hadn't have snuck off to have lunch with her, we never would have been dragged into this, and you wouldn't be sleeping alone on the couch tonight! But you did, and we were, so you are!

Frasier: Well, Niles got mono and he missed four weeks of class, right? So, he was studying around the clock trying to catch up. Just before finals, his girlfriend dumped him for his roommate. Niles insisted he was just fine right up until the very moment when they found him in the all-night grocery sitting in a freezer bin, talking to a bag of frozen corn, whispering "Why so cold, my love?"

Frasier: You should be ashamed of yourselves! You know perfectly well I meant EXONERATED!!

Niles: Can I have a straw, please?
Waitress: I'm sorry, sir, that was the last one.
Niles: I see. The last straw.

Niles: Hello! I think I'm having that dream where I'm naked in Nervosa!
Frasier: I think a lot of people are having that dream.

Roz: Okay, listen up! Me and my friends are going to back out of here nice and easy. As far as any of you are concerned, this never happened. And if any of you decide to be a hero and call the police, trust me, I will find you!

Roz: Yeah, well, there's nothing worse than waking up naked with a bunch of cops standing around.

Niles: Hello, Maris! Yes, yes, listen, there's something I want to say...Yes, but... Well, of course you're alone! You're alone because you killed your boyfriend! Now, I am on your side, but there is a limit because I have a wonderful, pregnant wife, and as far as my attention is concerned, she comes first, always! I will help you through this, but now, you have to help me by saying goodbye. No, no, no, what do you have to say? Yes, goodbye.
Frasier: Now there's the Niles that's been missing in action.
Daphne: Thanks for what you said about me, though I haven't been completely wonderful.
Niles: No, you've been irritable and you made me sleep on a couch.
Frasier: That's the stuff, Niles, doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest?
Niles: Oh, stuff it, Mr. Malaprop! Family spokesman, the Manson family should have a spokesman like you!
Martin: He's really getting the hang of this, isn't he?
Niles: And you! I'd have been home from that jail an hour earlier if you hadn't convinced your buddies to let you squeeze off a few rounds into a dumpster!

Frasier: Oh, fine! Fine! Turn your anger on me. It's almost as if you'd forgotten that not three days ago I was punched in the face by a man now dead.

Guns 'N' Neuroses

Lilith: We're supposed to be having breakfast, but you're not here. And as I don't know if you're tardy, or have been in a terrible accident, I'm unable to commit to an appropriate emotional response.

Daphne: Instead of playing games, why don't you just talk to her.
Frasier: We tried talking when we were married. We were better at games.

Daphne: He's making lunch for Lilith.
Niles: And off we go!
(Doorbell.)
Daphne: Too late.
Niles: Shouldn't you get the door?
Martin: You're closer.
Niles: I don't live here.
Martin: Doesn't matter, you're family.
Niles: So is Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, no you don't!
Lilith, from the other side of the door: Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in.

Lilith: Daphne, Niles, congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.
Daphne: Thank you.
Lilith: Do you know the sex?
Niles: Do we?! That's how we got pregnant!

Lilith: I would say it's a boy.
Daphne: Oh, what makes you say that?
Lilith: Well, it's highly unscientific, but the proverbial old wives would cite the spreading of your nose, the unevenness of your breasts, and the coarse black hair on your legs.

Martin: Niles was the one who knocked it off the table!
Niles: Well, accidentally, because I had a banana thrown at me!
Daphne: To you, not at you! And you should know how to catch a banana!
Niles: I am not having this argument again!

Lilith: Anyway, long story short, six months in, he tells me I'm too tightly wound. Me.
Nancy: Wow, I don't know what to tell you, Lil.
Lilith: Lilith. My name is Lilith.

Nancy: Macchiato man. Don't meet many of those.
Frasier: No, no, we're a rare breed. Spartan... rugged...
Waiter: You like a dusting of nutmeg on that, right?
Frasier: Just a sprinkle.

Frasier: Roz, have you ever been set up on a date with someone whose name you didn't know?
Roz: Oh please, I've woken up with dates whose names I didn't know.

Roz: Well, when you're in town on business and you hook up with a stranger, no names is standard procedure.
Frasier: I'm not sure that's something you want to admit knowing, Roz.
Roz: I only know it from reading Erica Jong novels, okay?
Frasier: I'm not sure that's something you want to admit either.

Nancy: Yeah, that was my friend. She had second thoughts.
Frasier: Oh, really? Well, please tell your friend that I wasn't exactly bowled over by her first thoughts! ... I don't even know what that means.

Lilith: So what would you say to that drink?
Frasier: I'd say, "Don't get too comfortable in that glass!"

Frasier: Freddy tells me he dissected a frog.
Lilith: Yes, and a fetal pig. Of course, I made him do his homework first.

Frasier: I'd suggest that we try a high-five, but I recall we attempted that once after a bridge victory and you scratched my cornea.

SeaBee Jeebies

Frasier: My brother doesn't like to toot his own horn. You know, I was discussing that very personality type today on my very popular radio show.

Frasier: Isn't it nice to know there are still honest people in the world?
Martin: How come your mail never gets mixed up with that sweaty fat guy's upstairs?

Denise: Well, you are looking very distinguished.
Frasier: Thank you.
Roz: That's code for "old."
Frasier: I know.

Frasier: Denise, having fun on your trip?
Denise: Oh, yes. Staying with Roz is so much fun, it's sort of like camping.

Frasier: Now, Roz. At least she's trying. She did get you a gift, after all. And look, it's very chic and expensive, I'm sure.
Roz: Oh, and two sizes too small.
Frasier: All right, she's a bitch.

Frasier, on the phone: Why don't you interview me while we're at the SeaBee Awards? Yes, it will be a freewheeling chat against a glittering backdrop. Splendid! I will see you anon.
(He hands the phone back to Kenny.)
Kenny: Hey. No, he always talks like that.

Frasier: It's going to look like I can't even scare up a date.
Roz: You scared that one pretty good.

Roz: Two Bloody Marys, please. And there's a twenty in it for you if one of them's poisoned. I don't even care which one.

Randy: Your brother was just telling me how Maris is coping with jail. So, is it true that Maris tried to break out?
Niles: Oh, no. Her eyebrow pencil simply rolled out of her cell and she went to get it. It's really the jail's fault for making those bars so far apart.

High Holidays

Frasier: Listen, Freddie, I don't understand. The Goths were plunderers. Apart from your tendency to be overaggressive with your rooks at chess camp, I don't see the connection.

Daphne: Oh, it's just a phase. All teenagers go through a rebellious period. It always passes. You should have seen me at that age – dating the older boys, hitch-hiking, drinking, shop-lifting. Do you know I can carry a frozen turkey between my knees?
Niles: That'll come in handy if we ever misplace our serving platter at Thanksgiving.

Martin to Niles: You were one of those good kids. One time I found a bag of something that looked suspicious in your dresser, but it turned out to be just something to make your sweaters smell nice.

Niles: I've waited for this all my life, Frasier: one act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course I'll have a nurse on speed-dial in case things get too hairy.
Frasier: And exactly which of your connections in the Seattle demi-monde is going to get you this reefer?
Roz, entering: Okay, Niles, you're hooked up.
Niles: Well, oh... I'll just take a look. Ah, yes, thick and gooey. Ganja in its purest form.
Roz: It's a pot brownie, you idiot.

Niles: Aren't you going to ask me what's up?
Frasier: Didn't intend to, no.
Niles: I'd like you to.
Frasier: All right. What's up?
Niles: I am. I'm as high as the Himalayas! If I were a city in Germany, I'd be Highdelburg!

Martin: Hi, Niles!
Niles: Funny you should say that!
Martin: Yeah, it is!

Martin: Hey, Niles, let me ask you something. Do you ever feel like you'd just like to go straight?
Niles: What?
Martin: Well, you know, I was walking home, and I kept thinking about all the turns we have to make – right turn, left turn. How much easier it'd be if we just could go straight over the trees, over a building. That's what a giant would do. They should let everybody be a giant for a day.

Martin: Why am I putting these chips in this pudding?
Niles: Well, I was going to say...
Martin: I should be dumping the pudding in with the chips! You know, I've been having these great ideas all day. I wrote some of them down. There. What do you think this means? "Dog army."

Niles: I've come dangerously close to over-braising my chard. It's almost as if something dulled my motor skills.
Martin, offering him ice cream: You sure you don't want a little of this on the side? I can scoop around the Lucky Charms.

Frasier: Dad, where are your pants?
Martin: In the fridge. I had a reason. Fridge pants.

Frasier: You're a good man, Niles. In a way, isn't that rebelling against rebellion?
Niles: Nice try.
Frasier: All right, look at it this way – you did get our cop father stoned tonight.
Niles: I did, didn't I?

Frasier-Lite

Martin: Pick him up!
Niles: But birds are notorious carriers of disease.
Martin: Oh, here, use my hanky.
Niles: I'll take my chances.

Roz: Oh, those robes! It makes them look like they're in some kind of cult.
Noel: Like the high priests of Asmodeus the Destroyer. ... Asmodeus - demon of lusts, eater of worlds. Does nobody read my e-mails?

Martin: The bird's like his pet.
Frasier: Eddie is a pet. He doesn't get to have a pet.

Niles: Now I know how you must have felt all those times when you dropped me off at musical theater camp. Sad and frightened...
Martin: Lots of emotions, son.

Roz: It's weird, my skin tastes kind of salty.
Bulldog: Oh, I'd say mostly sweet, but a little salty. Heh, heh, heh.
Roz: That wasn't me, Bulldog.
Gil: That was me you licked. And if it happens again, I shall consider it strike one.

Freudian Sleep

Martin: I just bought a couple of great old Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire movies.
Ronee: Well, why didn't you just rent them?
Martin: I did, last August.

Frasier: My show today was a fiasco. For the second day in a row, we had virtually no callers. It's getting harder and harder to blame it on Roz.

Frasier's dream:
Frasier: You know, I can't believe there are still people who blame me for Niles's death.
Daphne: Oh, people will talk about anything. So you sliced him to ribbons with your wheat thresher. It was your first time farming, for God's sakes.

Frasier: Well, thank you for your exhaustive analysis, Dr. Crane. Perhaps you should relocate your offices to a drive-thru so your patients could speak into a clown's nose.

Daphne's dream:
Niles: Excuse us. The plumber has to fix the leaky faucet in our bedroom.

Daphne: Bless him. He's on top of everything around here.
Frasier: You know, I really miss playing [chess] with Niles. He's so busy sleeping with other women.

Main Frasier Page