Frasier Season Two Quotes

Frasier: You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.
Roz: Oh no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.
Frasier: Well, then perhaps you're right.
Roz: See how easy it is.

Martin: What's it about anyway?
Frasier: That is not important.
Daphne: It's about his first time.
Frasier: Thank you, Daphne.
Niles: Your first time doing what?
Frasier: Changing a flat tire!
Niles: Oh!
Martin: So this whole book is about the night you conceived Frederick.
Frasier: Very funny, Dad. I'll have you know that wasn't my first time.
Martin: Hey, I'm glad to know it wasn't your only time!

Daphne: About your awkward teenage lunging and how you used to call your chest hair your "Rug of Love."
Frasier: Well, not all of it's true. He did take some literary license.
Daphne: Oh, then you're not really able to bring a woman to hidden realms of ecstasy with your panther-like prowess?
Frasier: Well that part he got right!

Gil: I was just finishing my restaurant review for my show this afternoon when I came after a pefect sandwich, named after you, at Rosenthal's Deli. "Frasier Crane's Double Decker." It consisted of aged pheasant, spring chicken and of course plenty of tongue.
Bulldog, reading: "I wept as our bodies made the music of love."
Gil, reading: "I'm your rhapsody, play me!"
Bulldog: "Crescendo, my young maestro, crescendo!"
Gil: "My vessel yearns to dock in the magnificence of your harbour."

Frasier: You must have some recollection. A fair-haired boy outside your door, at the piano, on the piano...

Frasier: I came here to apologise about more than just the book. I never felt quite right about the way I left things. I abandoned you, it was selfish and cowardly.
Clarice: Oh Frasier, relax. I always felt guilty for short-changing you on your music lessons.

Frasier: Mrs Greenway, there's no way the Eddie could be the father, he's been neutered.
Mrs Greenway: Oh really! Then how do you explain these??
Frasier: Oh my God! They're miniature Eddies!!

Frasier: Don't love them - they'll think they're staying!!

Frasier: Niles, you have liver behind your ears.

Niles on Martin: Notice how much faster he moves when he's wrong?

Frasier giving directions: Okay, look into the heavens and see if you can spot the North star. Then you want to turn twelve degrees...
Martin, interrupting: Just walk towards the horn! (honks the car horn)

Some of the quotes from this episode have been moved to the Focus on Eddie page.

Daphne: It's me love life.
Frasier: Really? You've been seeing a man?
Daphne: Only when I close me eyes and concentrate.

Frasier: I remember a time back in Boston when I was going through exactly what you're going through. Just a week later, I met a lovely barmaid, sophisticated if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love, we got engaged ... of course, she left me standing at the altar but the point is, I didn't give up! I took my poor battered heart and offered it to Lilith! Who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the "puree" button... I rebounded, and look how far I've come! I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father. (Takes Daphne's cigarette)

Roz: You look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet!
Frasier: I was up to all hours of the night competing with Daphne to see which of us had the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.

Tom: I just got through a messy breakthrough. I thought I'd sleep better with a continent between us.

Daphne: Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?!
Frasier: Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do.

Tom: Doesn't having him [Martin] here kind of put a cramp in your love life?
Frasier: Oh, not at all. Except when I bring my dates home, he tries to steal them!

Daphne: He's worth every wire digging into me ribcage!

Daphne to Tom: I could listen to your stories all night! They're so funny!
Niles: And all involving bodily functions.

Tom: It must be all in my head, but I sense that you have a problem with me dating Frasier.
Niles: Well, if you must know... ... I'm sorry, what was the question?
Tom: Do you some a problem with me dating your brother?
Niles: No.

Niles: I was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick.

Niles: There's something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to, but I won the coin toss.

Frasier: That's impossible! Tom's not gay!
Niles: He seems to be under that impression.

Frasier: Niles, you realize what this means!
Niles: Yes, you're dating your boss.

Tom: You know, I've broken my rule for you. I usually don't date guys I work with.
Frasier: Well, I've sort of relaxed my rule for you too.

Frasier: It never even occurred to me that you might be gay.
Tom: It never even occurred to me that you might be straight!

Tom: Does this mean your dad's not gay either?
Frasier: No, no, Dad's not gay.
Tom: But Niles, c'mon!
Frasier: I'm afraid not.
Tom: So wait a minute. This Maris guy he kept mentioning is a woman?
Frasier: Well, the jury's still out on that one.

Niles, helping a cab driver give birth: I'm sorry, I only did this once before in medical school, and all I remember is a bright light and lots of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling towards my forehead.
Cab driver: You fainted??
Niles: Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!

Martin: Now, are there any questions?
Niles: Yes. Should our meter still be running?

Martin: One minute it's just a blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob. Person.
Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.

Niles: Extra refined. He's taking after his old man already.

Frasier: Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an air-tight container. It seems this one's taking after its mother.

Niles: I guess I must have been conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris keeps in her bun, and I accidentally ran him through.
Frasier: What young parent doesn't tell that story?

Niles: Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail!!

Niles: I was practicing my Tai Chi this morning, and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
Frasier: He caught fire?
Niles: I was not as careless as it seems. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames!

Daphne: That dingo's got your baby!

Martin: People don't usually come with popover recipes on their backs!

Niles: They're healthy, beautiful, loveable...
Frasier: Flammable...

Niles: Why shouldn't you cry? Everything's so new to you, so much to do, a life to live.
Cab Driver: No, you've got his leg pinned back.

Niles: This has nothing to do with Maris. I'm making this investment entirely with my own money.
Frasier: And mine.
Niles: And yours.

Daphne: Excuse me? What kind of randy custom is that? First date, second date, whoops, let's all pitch our knickers? The third date might mean that to you Americans, but it takes more than three dates to get bangers and mash with Daphne Moon.

Daphne: If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex.
Martin: Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family!
Frasier: Good one, Dad!
Martin: I've been saving it!

Martin: Why don't you swing by and have a beer with me?
Frasier: At Duke's?
Martin: Yeah.
Niles: Us?
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: With you?
Martin: What am I speaking, Swahili? Yeah! (slowly and deliberately) You two - at Duke's - with me - a beer - if you want! Gee!

Daphne: I have never met a family that worked so hard at being uncomfortable with each other!

Niles: Duke's is where Dad hangs out with his cop buddies - where he goes to escape the stresses, strains and petty annoyances of everyday life.
Frasier: In other words, us!

Niles at Duke's: Oh my God, it's a room full of Dads.

Niles: That's the most fun I've ever seen him have without a remote control in his hand.

Martin to his buddies: This is my other son, Niles. He's a psychiatrist, too. (The buddies ignore Niles and turn back to Frasier) He married money!
Buddies, turning to Niles: Oh! All right!

Niles: Oh darn, we've been drinking those all night. Maybe it's time we switched to sherry.

Frasier: Hi Dad, what are you doing up?
Martin: I reached over in my sleep and Eddie wasn't there.
Frasier: You need a woman, Dad.

Frasier, seeing Daphne come in with disarrayed clothes: Apparently, in England, it's the fourth date.

Niles: I'm here to show faceless corporate America, they can't just walk in here without so much as a how-do-do, and shove the little guy aside, even when I'm that faceless corporate America. I'm here to fight the good fight, to show those snivelling rat-faced heathens there's still some fury pounding in the heart of John Q. Public. (A wrecking ball crashes through the wall) On the other hand, who am I to stand in the way of progress? (runs out)

Frasier: In the future, I'll stick to subjects like suicide and birth control, and stay away from the controversial stuff like weather!

Daphne: Just because the phone rings doesn't mean we have to answer it. Even though it could be Frederick calling to say he loves you, or Grammy Moon calling to say her hip's gone out again. Still, we can't be swayed to a little ringng bell. Just because it's going ring... ring... ring. Or in the case of a British telephone; Ring-ring... ring-ring... ring-ring... ring-ring... ring-ring...
Frasier: Just answer it for God's sake!
Daphne: Thank you!

Frasier: Suspend me? What'll he put in my time slot?
Roz: He'll have to run the Best of Crane.
Martin: What'll he do on the second day?

Niles: I know some good jokes!
Frasier: No - Niles. You don't.

Frasier: I expected the Bishop to introduce me, but I'm sure he'll drift in eventually.

Daphne: It makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.
Frasier: You don't need guns, you have kidney pie.

Holden Thorpe: My crime program will give the streets back to the people.
Frasier: That's good, because with your tax program, that's where they'll be sleeping!

Frasier: If I told you, I'd be violating a doctor-patient confidence.
Niles: I see. Nothing is more sacrosanct than our professional ethics. Fortunately, I know a trick to get around them!

Frasier on Madeline: What she looks for most in a man: someone who knows how to ... listen! (He nods knowingly at Roz, who nods knowingly back.)

Niles: That article is a sham.
Martin: Not in it, huh?

Frasier: Can I count you among my devoted listeners?
Madeline: Actually, my secretary listens to it. But I try to catch as much as I can when I cross back and forth through her office.

Madeline: I try to make it a point to acquaint myself with the finer things in life.
Frasier: Oh, well, what would you like to know about me?

Frasier, to the restaurant staff: Well, if everyone comes out here, how will you know when our duck is crispy?

Madeline: Well, you know when we first started going out, we both agreed that we didn't want to rush into the physical part, that we'd save ourselves until the right moment...
Frasier, after a pause: It's now?

Madeline: Okay, now for the really big question. When?
Frasier: Well, the minute we get there.

Martin: You're in a fine mood. What's the matter with you?
Frasier: Madeline and I are going to Bora Bora tomorrow.
Martin: Why do bad things happen to good people?

Martin: Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her — it was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
Frasier: Dad, you're a ghoul.
Martin: I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline, they hadn't moved the body yet.

Frasier: I certainly didn't want this to seem that our trip was just about sex, but ... who are we kidding?

Madeline: I'm a little hot in these clothes, aren't you?
Frasier: I'm sweatin' like the pig that knows he's dinner.

Madeline: Fraaasier.
Frasier: Oh my God.
Lilith: Frasier?
Frasier: OH MY GOD!

Brian: Your ex-husband? You're making a joke.
Lilith: No, God is.

Madeline, finding Frasier jumping up and down on the bed: Well, obviously you don't need me.

Frasier: There's something else we never got around to in Bora Bora.
Madeline: Well, you got around to it. I just watched.

Madeline: Now why don't we pick up where we left off?
Frasier: Oh my God.
Diane: Frasier?
Frasier: OH MY GOD!! (He wakes up) I just had the most frightening dream! Thank God I'm here with you!
Niles: Frasier, we have all week to analyse your dream. Right now there's a huge bug in the shower.

More quotes can be found on the Focus on Lilith page!

Daphne: I fell victim to that pressure once. I had a mole removed.
Niles: Where?
Daphne: Just south of Manchester.
Niles: I meant where on your body.
Daphne: So did I.

Martin: Hey Niles. Not that it's any of my business, but how much is this whole thing [cosmetic surgery] setting you back?
Niles: Somewhere in the neighbourhood of $25 000.
Martin: Geez, for an extra five grand you could get a whole new wife from the Philipines.

Martin: He told people that... I cried at "Brian's Song."
Frasier: Dear God. You always think that's the kind of thing that happens to other people's fathers, not your own.

Martin: She's got this gigantic behind. It's enormous! It looks like she's shoplifting throw pillows.
Frasier: And you felt compelled to share that with him?
Martin: For twenty years I tried not to, and then I guess one day I let my guard down. We were both coming into the station house, and he says hi, and I says hi, and he says how's the wife, and I says at least she doesn't have an ass the size of Albequerque.

Niles is on the balcony waving his hands madly around.
Daphne: I've never seen him so angry. He's like a madman.
Niles, coming in: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a woodfinch!

Plumber: Were you the kid who used to carry his gym shorts in an attache case?
Niles: It was a valise.

Bulldog: Hey, no ice cubes!
Roz: Just chip whatever you can off the edge of the freezer.

Bulldog: Hey, you got nice feet!
Roz: Really? You don't think they're too big?
Bulldog: You kidding? I could get this whole thing in my mouth, easy.

Roz: I knew it, I knew it! You come over here acting all sympathetic, but you're still the same old horny low-class slimeball you've always been!
Bulldog: Hey, before you say something that ends up offending me...

Frasier: Oh, well! I wonder why he said that!
Roz: Because he really wants me!
Frasier: Yes well, I think that goes without saying.
Roz: For his show!
Frasier: Oh Roz, Bulldog knows the blunt approach won't work with you, so he's being more subtle. But his ultimate goal remains to... well, to...
Roz: To what?
Niles: To play Aeneas to your Dido. Sorry you had to hear that, Daphne.
Daphne: Oh that's all right. As usual, I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about.

Frasier: All right, he moves in... and he... helps pick up the papers.
Gil: Oh, I'm so sorry, Frasier. I too entertained hopes for low comedy.

Frasier: It's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard!! Whenever I'm wrong... the world makes a little less sense.

Roz: What the hell are you doing in my bed? Get out! Get out! I asked you here to work, you disgusting pervert!
Bulldog: Hey hey hey... you're going to have to slow down! I'm getting some mixed signals here!

Daphne: You know there's nothing we Brits like better than a grisly murder and a nice hot cup of tea.

Niles: As a sports expert, I'm sure you can tell me why none of the local stations carry the Ivy League Squash standings.
Bulldog, bursting into laughter: WHOAH! Another one just like you!! Some gypsy put a curse on your family? Well, I gotta run. See you later Miles.
Niles: It's Niles.
Bulldog: Like it matters.

Frasier: Hello Daphne. Is Dad here?
Daphne: No, I haven't seen him since he knocked me up this morning.
Frasier, after a pause: What?
Daphne: Knocked me up. Woke me up. It's an English expression. What does it mean here?
Frasier: Oh, something else. You'd definitely be awake for it.

Martin: The world would be a happier place if everybody would remember two little words: people stink.

Phil: I think I found your briefcase.
Frasier: Oh, really? Really, are you sure?
Phil: Pretty sure.
Frasier: Well, there's a way we can be positive. Simply turn over the briefcase and in the upper right-hand corner you should find a half-moon shaped watermark, such as would be left by the careless resting of a champagne flute.
Phil: It's full of your stuff, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh. Well, that works as well.

Waiter: Who's next here?
Woman: I am! I'll have a cafe--
Niles: Oh, oh, oh, oh! No, you're not! You weren't next here, I am! I suppose people like you who glide through life wrapped in a cozy little cocoon of narcissism never notice such things. But you'd do well to learn this lesson, sister! There's still such a thing as good manners in this world, and that's why I would like to insist that you let me buy you your coffee and also please try the poppy seed muffins.

Frasier: You know, it still doesn't shake my belief in the basic goodness of people.
Martin: Well, sure. He's probably using your car to deliver hot meals to shut-ins.

Daphne, visiting the station: It's not like I'm listening.
Roz: Have we had one visitor yet who didn't feel the need to do that?

Phil: I take the easy way out of everything, I always have. And you want to know why? I'm lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy!

Phil: I'm telling ya, Doc - lazy! Look at your pants, for god's sake! You'd think I'd take them in to be hemmed, right? Staples!

Woman: Oh, it's wonderful, isn't it? I just love what she says about finding a moment each day to stop and give yourself a mental hug.
Frasier: I'm giving myself one now.
Woman: Really?
Frasier: Well, actually it's more of a Heimlich manuever.

Honey Snow: A handshake is just a hug for fraidy cats.

Niles, speaking of a horse: Goodness. It seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddist approach to the race.

Martin: That's a nice little dividend.
Niles, reeling from Daphne's kiss: I'll say.

Daphne: Your brother gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.

Niles to Honey: I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo, "Is your guy a stud or a dud?"

Niles: Have you read this?
Frasier: I'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help. Okay, here. How's this? "Many great volumes have been written about human behaviour, and I can honestly say without fear of contradiction that this book can stand on the shelf next to any of them."

Niles, reading from the book: "You don't have to be a star to twinkle." Frasier, I need a hug.

Niles, reading: "Time is a concept known only to one of God's creatures - man. Just for today, be a sunflower."

Frasier: Although I invested in the very same stock that Daphne did, mine declined and hers went up. How do you explain that?
Niles: Obviously, one of us is lying, Frasier.

Frasier: You've been misleading a woman for your own selfish gain.
Niles: And so are you!
Frasier: Well, I'm not finished. She was also trusting you to tell the truth.
Niles: Oh, and the difference would be?
Frasier: Your woman is English!

Honey: I'm glad you like sacharine, because there's no way you're getting any Honey.

Frasier, hopefully: ... Hug??
Honey: You know, a poet once said something about the world that I think applies to our relationship: It "ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper."
(Frasier whimpers.

Sam, meeting Niles: Man, this is freaky. He looks just like you did when I met you. What happened, huh?

Martin: Hey, what did he tell you about me, Sam? The father, the old cop?
Sam: He told me you were dead.
Martin: Dead?!
Frasier: Well, we had had an argument. You called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam: You're a cop? You told me he was a research scientist.
Frasier to Martin: You were dead, what did it matter?

Sam: Hey, something sure smells yummy here. Oh, wait a second, I think it's me.

Sam: I met this girl six months ago and we were supposed to get married. And yesterday I was standing in this church facing this minister, and I hear him say "Will you take this woman to be your wife?" and I said, "Who, me?" The next thing you know I'm running down the aisle and I didn't stop running till I got here.

Sam: Oh, she's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean she's just the kind of chick you want to stick up on a pedestal.
Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.

Roz: You slept with her?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?

Sam: Do you realize you're probably the only friend I have who she didn't sleep with?

Martin: Women protect their privacy. You know how they are about their handbags, you never go in there. It's always "bring me my purse." A husband could say, "Honey, I'm being robbed, a guy's got a gun to my head and I don't have any money," the wife'd say, "Bring me my purse."

Martin: Ah geez, the disposal's jammed. Stick your hand down there and see what's stuck, willya?
Niles: Dad, it's me, Niles.
Martin: I can't get my hand in there.
Niles: All right, punish a man for being fine-boned. Are you sure it's off?
Martin: Positive.
Niles: Move away from the switch! Oooh, it's wet and slimy and God knows what, it's like sticking my hand into the mouth of hell.

Niles: It wasn't as bad as all that. It's not like you saw her naked or something. (No answer from Frasier) YOU DID!!

Niles: Now we're in trouble. Now we're safe. Trouble, safe! Trouble, safe! Troublesafe troublesafe troublesafe!!

Martin: Boy, you and Niles have been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two decoupage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house that was one embarrassing garage sale.

Frasier: I don't think the membership committee would look kindly on your being arrested for mooning President Nixon at the campaign rally.
Niles: I was young and firm and in love with an anarchist.

Frasier: It's everything I've ever imagined it would be, and more!
Daphne: What's that smell, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: That's power!

Frasier: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.

Niles: Yes, my brother has an extensive knowledge of fine wines and spirits, undoubtedly acquired during the years when he was shacked up with a barmaid!

Niles: All my life I have dreamed about belonging to an exclusive club like the Empire. Even as a child, when I formed clubs with my teddy bears, there were always two or three who didn't make the cut.

Frasier: Dad, she's not a weirdo, she's just a woman who finds me utterly fascinating.
Niles: And the distinction would be...?

Roz: Just douse me in gasoline and toss me a match.
Frasier: I was hoping a stern warning would do the trick.

Frasier, looking at Roz's pimple: It's barely noticeable.
Roz: From where, the space shuttle? This is vintage Roz - I finally lose five pounds and I gain three of it back on my nose!

Roz: Do I make fun of that Astrodome you call a forehead?!

Frasier: Who is it, please?
Niles: Lizzie Borden. I want you to autograph my hatchet.

Bulldog: Oh Roz, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Bulldog: How'd you like to check out a body worth guarding?
Cindy the bodyguard: If I move my thumb a quarter of an inch I could kill you.
Bulldog: I've never been so turned on in my life! Ow, leggo!! So, can I call you?

Frasier: So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself, doing something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all, just to hear the words "I love you"?
Daphne: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

Niles, dressed for the outdoors: Call me Ishmael.

Niles: I dressed in layers — Polo, Eddie Bauer, and Timberland.
Frasier: You look like a skinny Elmer Fudd.
Niles: Dad, wait'll you see all the stuff I got. I had no idea how much I liked fishing until I realized all the shopping involved.

Niles: For the first time in my life, I just urinated outdoors! Another cup of coffee, I'll go back and dot the "i"!

Frasier: He said it to Duke, he said it to Eddie. He's never said it to me.
Niles: Surely you don't put yourself up there with Eddie?

Martin: Frasier ... I love you. Niles ... I love you.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. I love you too.
Niles: And I love you too. But I hate ice-fishing!

Martin: We don't need to read all the instructions.
Niles: Yes, we do, it says right here in bold face, "Read all instructions."

Martin: Seattle's a big city, I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.
Frasier: Yes, but are they wealthy students?
Martin: No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.

Roz: I don't suppose you'd consider going out with her.
Frasier: Sorry, I've had my quota of pity dates.
Roz: Yes, but this time you wouldn't be the one being pitied.

Gretchen: It can't be me. He says he loves her beautiful little body, as thin as his sword, and her skin as white as bratwurst, and that she's his NichteinmenschlichFrau.
Frasier: What is that?
Gretchen: I don't know if there's a word in English. The closest translation is, "not quite human woman."

Roz: You don't tell the person who's being cheated on, you confront the person who's doing the cheating! Didn't they teach you anything at Harvard?
Frasier: I can't do that!
Roz: It's easy, Frasier - you just tell her you know she's been mattress-surfing with some other guy, and if she doesn't knock it off you'll tell her husband.
Frasier: It's not that easy, you don't know this woman! She doesn't deal with confrontation very well. I once questioned the political-correctness of her serving veal. An hour later we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart!
Roz: Whoah... It's Maris!

Frasier: Marta, you said Mrs Crane was in the box!
Marta: Si! Missy Crane!
Frasier: No - that's Mr Crane!
Niles: Marta has trouble with pronouns.

Niles: It's one thing to give advice, it's another to take it.

Niles: I'm pumped, I'm psyched, and I'm fairly certain I just swallowed an entire twist of lemon!

Niles: En garde!
Frasier: Oh yes, Niles, that's just what we need, a fourth language!

Frasier: He says he wants you to apologize. He didn't steal ... your shoes.
Niles: My shoes?!
Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry. Apparently I mistranslated.

Frasier, on Daphne's soap opera: Is this how you spend your days when I'm not home?
Daphne: Not quite. When you're not home I can bloody well hear what they're saying.

Frasier: The stress of not worrying is starting to get to me.

Bebe: This cookie tastes like meat!
Daphne: Yes, and it'll remove tartar and give you a nice shiny coat! (gives one to Eddie)

Martin: Sorry Eddie, it [Frasier] is still alive. You're not gonna get your own room after all.

Frasier: How do I look?
Martin: Last time I saw a guy who looked like you, he'd been in the trunk of a car at the airport for a month.

(Look for DHP about to laugh as he rings the doorbell a second time.)

Niles: You paid your commission up front, I see.

Daphne: Well, you'd better be careful how you let her down. She's liable to go nuts—like in that movie—then sneak in here and try to boil Eddie!

Frasier: Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane Lake, dry land is never the same again.

Martin: You see, that's what always gets you guys in trouble. You don't think about the hard work or the long hours. No, to you owning a restaurant is just wearing fancy clothes, hobnobing with your friends and turning your enemies away at the door.
Niles: I hadn't even thought about that!

Frasier: Les Freres Heureux!
Niles: The Happy Brothers! It's homey, but just hard enough to pronounce to intimidate the riff-raff!

Frasier: That is not a "damp little corner next to the men's room." That is The Enchanted Grotto.

Niles: When people hear the name "Niles Crane," I want them to think "big souffle."

Otto: Who is this?

Otto: Who is this?
Frasier: It's Dr Crane! It's always Dr Crane, I'm the only one on here!

Frasier: You can gloat later.
Martin: I'll pencil it in.

Gil: We're simply salivating to try your anguille. We hear your chef's an absolute wizard with eels.
Frasier: Well, that was his old specialty. You really must try his new specialty. Scrambled eggs.

Frasier: Ladies and gentlemen, every restaurant has its little adjustment period. I'm sure someday you'll look back on this and remember it as an adventure!
Gil: And if they don't remember it, I'll remind them.

Frasier: Nobody's asked to do anything any of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now Niles, quick, kill five eels!

Niles: How do you suggest I do that?
Frasier: How should I know? You're the chef! Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

Roz: Big blue flash. Cherries everywhere.

Niles: I hope you're satisfied, you've thinned my brown sauce!

Martin: Hello, Happy Brothers restaurant. Table for two? Sure. Smoke-damaged or non-smoke damaged?
Frasier to Niles: You know, we could tell people he died in the explosion.

Daphne, poking in the freezer: Tubs of cookies'n'cream and vanilla fudge.
Roz: Well let's take care of these right away before they melt.
Frasier: There's no need to worry, ladies. The freezer will keep them cold for at least 24 hours.
Daphne: Shut up!

Martin: Well, I don't like to get nostalgic, but it was sure great last year when you forgot my birthday!

Frasier: Where are you going?
Martin: I'm going to sit in the tub with a hairdryer and wait for the power to come back on.

Daphne: My friends wonder how I can live with such demanding men?
Frasier: They call me demanding, do they?
Daphne: No. Actually they call you a pompous ass!
Frasier: And now you've learned that I'm not?
Daphne: No. I've learned to work around it.

Season Three