Frasier Season Three

Daphne explaining why she knows all about guns: When I first came America, I worked at a convenience store.

Frasier: I like to think my show is a haven for the tempest-tossed in the maelstrome of everyday life.
Kate: Wow. You really talk that way.

Kate: You've got a great face. I want to see it on T-shirts, park benches. I even want to see it on frisbees. Everybody in Seattle should be tossing it, wearing it, sitting on it.

Frasier: Well, what exactly do you expect me to do? Say to a caller, "Listen, Bob, I'm sorry you lost your job, but unemployment's a snore! Why don't you go sleep with your best friend's wife and call in on Monday when it'll be Infidelity Day on the Frasier Crane Show!"

Frasier: I'd rather stay local if going national means sucking at the sump-pump of sensationalism!
Kate: Well, I'm the boss, Doc. So, pucker up!
Frasier: Listen, lady, I'm not changing my show. Unless you're willing to explain to the owners why you fired one of your highest-rated hosts, well then there's nothing you can do about it, is there?
(Cut to a scene in the booth)
Frasier: ...Well, we're coming up on three a.m.... Roz, who's our next caller?
Roz: Who cares??

Frasier: She just moved us to break our spirit.
Roz: Well she can saddle me up and ride me round the coffee room!

Niles: It's dangerous out there. You never know when you might need (with a flourish) one of these.
Daphne, bursting out laughing: A starter's pistol?

Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!

Roz: Just pump up the volume and call me Kitty!

Frasier: I wanna know who's having sex, how you're having it, I wanna know if you're having it right now!
Roz: Look, Dr Crane, the lines are hot, really hot!!

Frasier: While Roz laces up her leather bustier, this is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL, all talk, all night, all naked!

Frasier on Kate: Classic case of neurotic narcissism, and a first class smarty-pants!

Kate: Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?

Martin: The restaurant you bought together - that was a bad idea. The book you tried to write together - that was a bad idea. This ... No, that restaurant was still the stupidest.

Frasier: Oh Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that. The smell of the office place. Freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee, and the aroma of an exotic special luncheon wafting up from the cafeteria below...
Niles: Actually, that's the lab next door. They lost power last night and some of their tissue samples turned.

Niles, on Frasier's suggestion on where to put a plant: Underneath the heating vent? Why not just give it a blindfold and a cigarette?

Niles: Liar! Daphne never said that!
Frasier: Well, she said it in body language.
Niles: I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said nothing of the kind.

Frasier: I am tired of your exaggeration! You always make things 50 000 times worse than they are!

Niles: Frasier, I have made a fist, and I'm thinking of using it.
Frasier: You're not scaring me, Niles. The thumb goes on the outside, on the outside!!

Frasier: I don't need your group, I've got a group of my own, half a million strong.
Niles: Oh, yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint and call it "Frasierstock"?

Frasier: There's no denying it, we are vindictive and competitive.
Niles: Petty. Mistrustful.
Frasier: And as so often in these cases, it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us.
Niles: Well, Dad always said it, but he has no credentials.

Martin: Why don't you just flush her down the toilet?
Daphne: Mr Crane, you can't do that.
Martin: Why not? She loved the water.

Niles: I don't mean to quibble, but it seems like your heart is always going either hidy-heydy, ringy-dingy, or scooby-dooby.
Martin: Look, I don't need another critic.
Niles: Right. Perhaps a cardiologist.

Frasier: Louise touched us all. In fact (brushing ashes off his suit) she touches us still.

Frasier: Yes, well I did not spend eight gruelling years at Harvard to be mocked by that juvenile jack ass!
Kate: Shameless!
Frasier: Oh, he's beyond shameless!
Kate: I'm talking about the way you manage to get Harvard into every conversation.

Bulldog: Now, look, all you guys sending in any postcards to win tickets to the Sea Hawks game - do I need another picture of the space needle? Chicks in thongs! Enough said?

Kate: If you think I'm going to allow you to publicly mock one of our most respected hosts on air just for the sake of higher ratings, you and I are going to get along just fine!

Bulldog, as Dr Julius Irving: Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Micado."
Frasier: Well, perhaps I can help. I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane and as luck would have it, I was in an all-male version of "The Micado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my Yum-Yum.
Bulldog: I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids."
Frasier: Well, let me see. Well, of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be but, um... (singing in a high pitched voice) "Three little maids from school are we, prim as a school girl may well be, filled to the brim with girlish glee-ee, three little maids from school!"

Martin: You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force. The day they replaced my bullet proof vest with a big lacey bra, I knew I was one of the guys.

Kate: He makes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your drole, Ivy League, "Look at me, I've got a thesaurus" kind of way!
Frasier: I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man whose favourite t-shirt reads "Seattle Hooter Inspector"!

Frasier: Would you mind if I moved your chair into your room until after the tasting?
Martin: Forget it. You might as well ask me to stay in my room.
Niles: Which takes care of the second favour.

Daphne: We could put a rug over it.
Frasier, staring: A rug... where a rug doesn't belong. Why don't we just throw down a Twister mat and have a few rounds between vintages?

Martin: It's time you two learned that everything doesn't have to be perfect.
Frasier: It's that kind of advice that leads to shag carpeting!!

Martin: Well, you cut off my pancake supply, you move my chair - why not just back out over Eddie on your way to work and make it a hat trick!
Frasier: And a hat trick would be...?
Martin: It's in hockey, it's--
Frasier: Enough said.

Joe, referring to the coffee: Smells great. Columbian?
Daphne, thinking he's talking about her: No, English.
Joe: Huh?

Daphne, whispering: He's adorable. Talk me up.
Martin: Plate of pancakes?
Daphne: Deal.

Martin: It just seemed wiser to do it before the explosion.

Frasier: Only the truth shall make you clot.

Martin: I thought you were just going to slit your wrists. Looks like you went for death by a thousand cuts.
Frasier: I cut myself shaving because I was shaving without water. Why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor, which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes, which called for Cecil, who ate the cat that killed the rat that LIVED IN THE HOUSE THAT FRASIER BUILT!!

More quotes from this episode can be found on the Niles'n'Daphne page.

Niles: Oh. I see cocktails, hors d'oeuvres, mmmmilling. If I were the suspicious type, I'd say you were throwing a party to which I was not invited.
Martin: Feel like a weiner, Niles?
Niles: Indeed I do.

Kate: Well hi ho the derry oh. The cheese stands alone.

Daphne: Did you give her a good tongue-lashing?
Frasier: In a manner of speaking, yes.

Frasier on men: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!

Daphne: Speaking of romance, Dr Crane, when I washed your shirt this morning, I couldn't help noticing lipstick in the oddest places. I take it negotiations went well last night?
Frasier: I'd rather not discuss it, thank you.
Martin: Why, is there a problem.
Frasier: Things between me and Kate just went a little faster than I intended.
Daphne: I'll say. There were also four buttons missing, and teeth-marks in the shoulders!

Frasier: I wanted to say the same thing, but I was afraid you'd think I was rejecting you.
Kate: Oh. How sensitive. And at the same time, how full of yourself.

Kate: Ever since I got here, you have done nothing but irritate me like a persistent skin rash.
Frasier: And you me! Last night was no different. You just kept talking, and talking, and talking, and I guess that mouth of yours ticked me off so much I had to have it.

Frasier: For once in my cautious, button-down life I felt like a rea1 bad boy.
Kate: I felt like a real dirty girl.

Newscaster: ... asked to comment, the congressman said -
Frasier: Yes! Yes! I am a bad boy! You dirty girl!

Kate: Stop talking!!

Niles: STOP TALKING!!!

The doorbell rings.
Frasier: I'm not here.
Daphne: Yes. Your father's not here either. It's so nice having the whole house to meself.
Niles, entering: Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, how lovely. Now, the whole family's not here.

Roz: One. You will never make another crack about my sex life. I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp.
Frasier: Done.
Roz: Two. Who's Dirty Girl?

Roz: C'mon, I swear I won't tell a soul! (Phone rings) Yes? Not yet. I'll call you back.

Bulldog: I'm so proud of you.
Frasier: Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.

Kate: There's no way we can rewrite the past. It happened, we did it... it's on tape...

(Niles smashes things to relieve his anger)
Daphne: Oh no, wait! That's beautiful! Here, this one's hideous!

Niles: Oh Marta, this feels wonderful! You must try it!
(Marta smashes a bowl and grins triumphantly)
Niles: I meant at your house.

Marta: Missy Crane say "No you Dr Crane, no other Dr Crane, and no Crane with a cane!"

Marta: The staff, they have a question. Can we come with you?

Frasier: If you back down now you will go through the rest of your life feeling weak and small because you never had the courage to say "I will not let you treat me like this Lilith!! - Maris!!" Well, I've lots all credibility here Dad, will you please say something?

At the mall, Niles: Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me?
Frasier: That was a cologne sample, Niles!

Kid: The Living Brain? What kind of dork wants that?
Frasier: With any luck, the kind of dork who'll be operating on your prostate someday!

Niles: I'd just like to be on the record as saying I'm against it.
Frasier: Fine.
Niles: You know the path that leads to peace with Diane and you're rejecting it.
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: I'm washing my hands of the entire matter.
Frasier: Wouldn't miss it for the world though, would you?
Niles: I'll be there at seven with a cheeky Bordeaux.

Frasier: She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a sanitarium, where I met her, fell for her, and then was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there is a sucking chest wound where once there dwelled a heart!

Diane: So, there I was, on the balcony of my Malibu beachhouse, when a pod of whales passed by. I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants, so like a flash, I was on the beach, scrambling to my kayak. But cruel fortune interceded, when, not twenty yards offshore, I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of... of, um...
Niles: Sea kelp?
Diane: Exactly right, sea kelp!
Martin: Oh, that's funny. I thought he said "seek help."

Daphne: That was either a very large twitch or a very small seizure.

Martin: The old Martin would have said, "you're out of your mind. I'd rather see you go gay and shack up with the punk who shot me than go off with her. I'd rather see you sewed up inside the body of a dead horse." But the new Martin just says, "Viva l'amour."
Frasier: The new Frasier resists the temptation to correct your French.

Niles: False alarm. Normally I bleed like the Russian royal family, but not today.

Martin: One day your mother and I went to a church picnic, and the two of you came floating down the river in little wicker baskets.
Niles: Was that so hard?

Niles: If Frasier did pressure her and she rejected him, he could hardly rationalize it by saying "She doesn't know what she's missing." She would know exactly what she's missing, she just ... didn't miss it.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles.

Daphne: There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. What's your favourite food? What's your favourite colour? If you were to come back as an animal, what sort would you be? If she were to ask that one, what you you say?
Frasier: "Cheque please."

Announcement: Flight 487 to Chicago will be delayed indefinitely.
Kate, running out: I missed you!
Frasier: I missed you too!

Kate: Do you ever jog?
Frasier: Uh... once, in a dark parking lot, when a truck backfired.

Kate: You know, I'm not one of those people for whom "antique" is a verb.

Kate: If this is really going to be a problem, there is a shot.
Frasier: Oh yes. And I understand they're completely humane - Oh. You meant an allergy shot, didn't you.

Kate: I'm sorry Frasier, I'm just afraid if I move Louie any further away they're gonna think he's a bomb.

Frasier: I for one happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.
Roz: Well, I believe in the strangeness of strangers.

Gerard, a Caller: Maybe we could get together sometime - have a beer. Maybe I could, you know, comb your hair.

Niles: "Bob"? You're dumping me for someone named Bob?
Frasier: Niles, I am not "dumping you." I'm just worried that Bob might feel awkward meeting the two of us.
Niles: Oh, well, we wouldn't want to make Bob feel uncomfortable now, would we? I mean, after all, I've only been your brother for, hmm (looking at his watch) 38 years now. What does that mean when there's the possibility that Bob might feel awkward?

Bob: I listen to your show all the time. I think you're brilliant. You're probably sick of hearing that.
Frasier: One would think, but it's my cross.

Martin, contemplating Daphne's health drink: There just aren't enough drinks that build up a nice head of black foam.

Daphne to Frasier: I have worked with the disabled for over ten years now, and if there's one thing I've learned it's that they don't want special treatment.
Martin: Oh, I forgot to bring in the paper. Daphne, would you get it? My leg's just achin' and throbbin'.

Roz: You got messages. Bob, Bob, and oh look, here's one from Bob!
Frasier: Two weeks and 45 phone calls. Can't we just get an unlisted number?
Roz: They sort of frown on that with call-in shows.

Niles: When you're off the A-list for one party, you're off for all of them. From now on, I'll be relegated to B-list charity events - grubby little theater companies and last year's diseases.
Frasier: It often happens in these cases when two people separate, their friends choose one spouse over the other. I'm sure they just chose Maris because she's better connected and has more money than you do.
Niles: Exactly which part of that was meant to ease my pain?

Frasier: I was going to ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house. Is that too...
Roz: Amish?
Frasier: I was going to say selfish.
Roz: Oh, let's see. "Please Daphne don't have sex. It disturbs my reading." No, that's not too selfish!

Daphne: That works out fine for me! I'll just spend all day waiting on you and your father, and then in the evenings retire to me room, wrap meself in me afgan and wait for morning. And if my whimpering gets too loud for you, you can just have me fixed like Eddie.

Frasier: What was it like in the old days, when you actually had to get up to change the channel?
Martin: It was hell.

Frasier: I'm getting an estimate on restoring my study.
Martin: Why didn't you use Joe?
Frasier: I think Joe's done enough work in that room.

Frasier complaining about Martin not putting things where they belong: All our appliances are on an adventure this weekend!

Daphne: There was nothing like that going on in here.
Frasier: Really? Seems rather implausible. I'd like to believe that and believe me I really do want to... how can I?
Daphne: Well how could Joe and I make love? What with... Joe's war injury?
Frasier: I didn't even know Joe was a soldier. What war would that be?
Daphne: The Falkland Islands.
Frasier: But that was a British conflict and Joe's not--
Daphne: His parents have a summerhouse there!
Frasier: Oh that's very unfortunate. Having a summerhouse in a war zone. But how?
Daphne: He was kicked by a sheep.
Frasier: A sheep?
Daphne: Yes, a sheep spooked by an air raid siren. Work with me!

Daphne: Even though there's no actual lovemaking, Joe and I can on occasion, say, read poems to each other in here at night?

Martin: Oh Niles, you've had lots of girlfriends.
Niles: Well, let's count. There's Maris... Dora, my childhood penpal from Costa Rica, and I seem to recall a little girl in the fourth grade who lured me to a stairwell to show me her underpants.

Daphne: Wine, Dr Crane?
Niles: Oh, wouldn't you?

Martin discussing the neighbour's dog: I just don't like showoffs. Ginger, catch the frisbee. Ginger, roll over. Ginger, do my taxes.

Niles describing his date: Marjorie Nash, the Fruit-on-the-Bottom yogurt heiress! ... She's terribly haughty, and rumours persist about her husband's death, but still a date's a date!

Martin: ... so one night I invited her down to the corner bar...
Niles: Coroners have their own bar?
Martin: No - CORNER!!

Snotty friend: If there's anything we can do to cheer you up, just let us know.
Niles: Perhaps a murder-suicide pact.

More quotes from this ep are on the Niles'n'Daphne page!

Frasier: Who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled marriage than a man whose business address is a wharf!

Frasier: Do you suppose that's him?
Niles: I doubt it. That overcoat is Armani!
Frasier: Good point, Niles. Where would a criminal come up with the money for something like that?

Niles: Well, you see, last week my lady got on the wrong side of "Larry law," and since then certain, shall we say "complications" have arisen, and, in brief, things have got "hot hot hot" and we believe you are the man to "turn on the air conditionin'."
Jerome: I sense you are a film buff, Dr. Crane.

Martin: So Jerome, you didn't tell us what line of work you're in.
Daphne: Oh wait, let me guess! I'm a bit psychic. Let's see... you're some sort of doctor. An osteopath, perhaps?
Jerome: No.
Daphne: Well that's odd. I can see you hovering over people with broken bones.

Brandy on her sex life: I said to him last night, "What the hell was that? I've been vaccinated slower!"

Niles: I heard you on the radio today. I thought what you did was noble. To what South American nation will you be fleeing?
Frasier: Like I'd tell you. One minute of interrogation and you'd crack like a Jordan almond.

Jerome: It may interest you to know that over the years I've called in favours to get Miss Brandy 14 jobs. She lost all of them.
Frasier: So you're saying she's had trouble finding her niche?
Jerome: No, I'm saying she's a dodo. Now you may love the dodo, you may think the dodo is beautiful; you may even wish to marry the dodo. But you do not encourage the dodo to fly!

Niles: I haven't had sex in six months!
Frasier: Oh, surely you're exaggerating. You've only been separated for three.
Niles: And your point would be?
Frasier: You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in the hay?
Niles: Substitute a sixteenth-century guiltwood fainting couch for hay, and watch me roll!

Niles: Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not getting any!

Roz: Celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation!

Daphne's bad haircut:
Daphne: Take a leap?! Mr. Maurice hair designer! 'Trust me,' he says! Children pointing! Your fault!!

Martin tells about the plane crash: ... The last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the aisle comes barrelling down the chute after me like a polyester avalanche!

Pete, the piano player: I'm worried about you - I can hit any note. (demonstrates by hitting a high note)

Frasier: It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot who doesn't learn from other people's!!

Frasier: "Dear Discourteous Driver..."
Roz: Whoah! I think you've said enough right there!

Daphne: I don't get this show. People send in tapes of themselves having the most embarrassing and painful accidents; they add cartoon noises and music, and everyone laughs themselves silly.
Martin, at TV: Boy, I bet that hurt! (laughs)

Frasier yelling off the balcony: People of Seattle! Listen to me! We are not barbarians, we are not neanderthals, and we are not French!! D'ya hear me up there??

Daphne: You should have heard the punk rockers who rented the flat below me a few years back. They played the same song over and over again. "Flesh is burning, na na na na na na, flesh is burning, na na na na na na." Oh, now I'm going to have that tune in me head all day now.

Frasier on the rocker upstairs: Doesn't he ever stop for sex and drugs??

Frasier: Do you have any idea how loud your music is? Oh, you do! Well, thank you!

After Frasier hauls a man out of the cafe:
Niles: My brother will have the decaf.

Frasier: Go ahead, Daphne - make my eggs.

Caller: Hey, he asked for it, so I put 100 scorpions in a Fed-Ex package.

Niles: What other behaviour would you expect - from a chicken?
Mr Harvey: What did you just say?
Niles: I was speaking to my brother, but to put it in language you can understand... buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck!

Niles: Oooh, what'reya gonna do, flap me with one of your big fluffy wings?
Frasier: Niles, stop it. Please excuse him.
Niles: Oh for God's sake Frasier, don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing troglodyte, who's probably the only male in existence who suffers from penis envy!!

Niles: Countersuit!!

Frasier: My God, that was brilliant! You've even got a tear in your eye!
Niles: I landed on a fork.

Frasier: If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.
Niles: Okay. The other option is, he's better than you.
Frasier: You were saying?

Niles: Of course, you realize that by dethroning Dad, you are next in line to be dethroned by Frederick,and then the only thing after that is death, but that's another day and another cup of coffee.

Martin: Why are you walking funny?
Frasier: Well, suffice it to say I learned today it is unwise to slide repeatedly down a fire pole wearing woolen trousers.

Frasier: If she's looking, it means she's interested! Oh yes, she's turning around. She's looking up!
Maureen: MOVE YOUR VEHICLE.
Frasier: Oh yes. I've cast my spell.

Frasier: I got the distinct impression that she found me attractive. Now that sort of thing happens, doesn't it?
Martin: Oh sure. I was always leaning against someone's window and thinking, "That bloody chainsaw in the back seat looks kinda iffy, but she's got a nice smile!"

Maureen: You gave this great lecture at the Academy on how to deal with an armed suspect. So how come you left the force?
Martin: Well, I got shot by an armed suspect.

Niles: What was Frasier's reaction?
Martin: I haven't told him yet.
Niles: Can I?

Frasier: Where are you going?
Martin: Just out.
Frasier: What are you gonna do?
Martin: Nothing.
Frasier: When are you going to be home?
Martin: Later.
Frasier: Well, if you put a dent in the car, young man, it's coming out of your allowance.

Niles, with a huge jar of capers: I just discovered a place called "Price Buster's Warehouse." You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary and they have a huge selection. I found french fries and french doors in the same aisle.
Frasier: Well, the next time you go back be sure to buy me a thousand swordfish so I can use these up.
Niles: You laugh, but I could do it like that.

Niles: Let her out that door and she'll smoke half a pack before the elevator hits the floor.
Frasier: How can you know that? You barely spoke to her.
Niles: Obviously you didn't see the crazed cunning glint in her eyes.
Frasier: She always looks like that, she's an agent!

As Frasier and Bebe madly fight over a pack of cigarettes, Martin: That's it, no more house guests.

See the Bebe quotes page for more from this episode.

Roz: The whole thing is just so depressing. Lately everyone I know is settling down, getting married, having children. What am I doing wrong?
Frasier: Do you want me to answer as a friend? Or as a therapist?
Roz: As a friend!
Frasier: See a therapist.

Niles: He claims to have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women!
Frasier: Oh puh-leease! A hundred and fifty!
Niles: As if anything over, say, ... seven weren't absurd.
Frasier: Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.

Frasier: I can't believe you're refusing to record your history, the story that only you, Martin Crane, can tell, because it "gives you the creeps"!
Martin: Okay then, I'll tell you the real truth. My Indian heritage forbids it. I'm afraid your magic box will rob me of my spirit.
Frasier: I don't know why you're being so negative about this. It's not really for when you're dead. It's for when you've lost your mind.

Roz: OK... can I ask you something? Does Frasier seem weird to you?
Daphne: Oh, God yes.
Roz: I haven't finished my question yet.
Daphne: Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the buzzer.

Martin: I'm not doing it. It's morbid.
Niles: It's not morbid. And besides, if you don't do it, the only footage we'll have of you in the family archives is you pretending your stomach was a face that summer at the lake.

Martin, recording his tape: My name's Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now... I'm dead. Trapped in a box, underground. Pretty scary, huh??
Niles: Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century?
Martin: All right, all right, I do. Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. And, I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, left... (pretends to have a heart attack)
Niles, looking into the camera: Future generations? See what I had to put up with?

Martin: I was in a focus group once.
Frasier: That sound you hear is a nail being hammered into my coffin.
Martin: They were trying out a new frozen snack. It was a meatball with the cheese injected right in the middle.
Frasier: Just as nature intended.

Niles, trying to get Daphne angry at him: Many chips make for chubby hips - waddle waddle waddle!

Frasier: Well, you know, Dad, I'd like to think I've matured a bit since then. But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, "Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in 'Bye-Bye, Birdie,' made this reviewer say, 'Bye-bye, breakfast!'"
Niles: That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.

Manu: All this because you had to know why I do not like you.
Frasier: Well, you were kind of vague.
Manu: You want to know why? I'll tell you why. I think you are a smarty-pants. I was too polite to say that before. But then you spied on me, you stalked me, you badgered me, you poured Yoo-Hoo down my Dockers, you crunched my hand, and then, as if all that was not enough, you burned down my newsstand, my livelihood, a gift to me from my beloved uncle, may he rest in peace!
Frasier: Was that so hard?

Roz: Oh, they're beautiful earrings!
Frasier: Yes, well, working side by side for three years, one can't help but become friends. And they're blue to match your - (He looks at Roz) - lips when they're cold.

Roz, reading the card: "To Roz, who believed in me from the start."
Frasier: Yes. From Hallmark's irony section.

Daphne: Oh, Dr Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
Frasier: Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that makes life so rich, and psychiatrists richer.

Frasier: Hello, you're on the air with Doctor Frasier Crane. Put your head in my hands.

Frasier's vocal exercise:
Little owlet in the glen, I'm ashamed of you
You're ungrammatical at speaking as you do.
(Roz enters)
You should say "to whom, to whom," not "to who, to who."
Your little friend Miss Katydid may be green, 'tis true,
But you've never heard her say,
(Frasier turns around and sees Roz)
Who the hell are you?

Frasier: There will be no call-screening. You see, I want my show to be fresh and spontaneous, and call-screening squelches all of that.
Roz: And the mystery of Dave's departure deepens.

Frasier: Let's see who's on line one! Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane. You're on the couch.
Caller: No, I'm not.
Frasier: Well, I meant on the metaphorical couch.
Caller: I'm in a beanbag chair, okay?

Frasier to Niles: You know, I'd forgotten what a weird little person you are.

Martin: Who is it?
Niles, cheerily: Niles and a special guest!!
Martin: Oh geez.

Martin: Niles, are you drunk?
Niles: Don't be ridiculous! Seeing the three of us back together again in the same room, who needs alcohol for that?
Frasier: I do.
Martin: I do.

Niles: I've been dealing with him all by myself ever since Mom died. Now it's your turn, so welcome home, prodigal son!
Martin: You guys want some pork rinds?
Niles to Frasier: And that's as close as you're going to get to a fatted calf.

Niles: Oh, you haven't met Eddie! Eddie - Frasier is the firstborn. The torch has been passed!

Frasier: You listened to my show?
Martin: Sorta. I fell asleep during the Mariners game, and when I woke up you were on.
Frasier: And you didn't turn me off?
Martin: I did not. I listened for ten minutes before I finally dozed off again.
Frasier: Faint praise, and yet it thunders in my ears.

Frasier: Daphne? I was just thinking about our discussion earlier this afternoon, and I've decided to give you an extra week off. That way you can go to Manchester and Acapulco.
Daphne: Oh, that's so sweet! You really must think I should go home.
Frasier: Well, I've just realized that being part of a family is really worth the effort, and very often the effort means you'll need a week in Acapulco.

Season Four