Frasier Season 4 Quotes

Daphne on Clive: He was very sweet and had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw.
Niles: But?
Daphne: Oh yes, that too.

Niles: If God had intended for me to work on my Mercedes, he wouldn't have given me Horst.

(The doorbell rings)
Daphne: Oh dear, it's him. Anything between me teeth?
Frasier: No.
Daphne: Do we have any spinach in the fridge?

Niles: Oh Clive! Is that tonight? Well don't I feel silly bringing over this thousand piece jigsaw puzzle.

Daphne: So what brings you to Seattle?
Clive: My undying love for you. Damn! I meant to work up to that!

Clive: There comes a time in a man's life when he's gotta look a woman straight in the eye and say--
Niles: Cheese nips?

Frasier: It requires quick thinking, improvisational skills and a knack for remembering details.
Martin: Gee. I never used any of those skills as an undercover cop.
Niles: Dad, please don't be offended.
Martin: I'm not offended. My two sons have just said I have oatmeal for brains.

Clive: Are you a psychiatrist as well, Marty?
Martin: Oh no, I'm retired. I was an astronaut.

Clive: Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, your surname still is Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
Martin: I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I nearly rolled it into the sea of tranquillity.

Clive: After you left, I remembered the advice you used to give me, and I decided some of it made sense.
Daphne: What advice?
Clive: Oh you know, "Get a job you lazy git," that sort of thing.

Daphne: We're not the awful people you think we are!
Frasier: No! The truth is, we've been lying to you all night!

Roz: When was the last time you were with a woman? It seems like it's been almost a year.
Frasier: Oh it has not been that long! I mean, that is a laugh, HA! The last time was, uh ... uh... well, the tree was still up. Oh God.

Martin to Eddie: You'll always be my very best boy. (Frasier walks past; Martin whistles)
Frasier: Thanks Dad. There are some fathers who actually praise their sons and whistle at their dogs.

Martin: Well congratulations! What's it been, a year?
Frasier: It has not been that long!
Martin: I remember the tree was still up.

(Daphne burns Martin's shoes)
Daphne: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to leave them in there so long!
Frasier: English cooking strikes again.

Frasier: We were talking about golf and something called a handicap, and the next thing I know I'm sitting there with a cappuccino muttering to myself in a very soothing voice.

Frasier: What say I buy you dinner with a lot of martinis?
Niles: Sounds great except for the dinner part.

See the Bulldog page for more quotes from this episode.

Frasier: Look, Bulldog, before you start to ridicule me, yes I had a dream about Gil. And yes, it had some erotic elements, but... you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Bulldog: I do now! Whoa!!
Frasier: Look, let's just forget it. What delightful little jibe did you have prepared for me?
Bulldog: Oh, I was gonna tell you your show today just broke the snooze meter, but now I want to hear about you greasin' Gil's cookie sheet!

Frasier: Well, close the record books - that was the dullest three hours in the history of the Frasier Crane show!
Roz: Oh, it wasn't so bad. What about that woman who was so concerned about her appearance she wouldn't leave the house?
Frasier: That was a commercial. I believe Miss Clairol solved the problem.

Niles: I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.
Frasier: Just tell me when it ends.

Frasier: All right, let me have it!
Niles: Are you saying that now, or is that a quote from the dream?

(Daphne and Martin in the elevator; a woman enters.)
Daphne: Someone followed me again last night.
Martin: You're just being paranoid.
Daphne: I'm telling you, they're on to me!
Martin: C'mon! Nobody could recognize you after all that plastic surgery!
Daphne: That's what Marlena thought.
Martin: Marlena got sloppy. She never should have gone back to Zurich.
Daphne: just don't want any more bloodshed.
Martin: Relax! You're home free!
Daphne: You don't know the woodchuck and his ways.
(The woman leaves the elevator rather quickly.)
Daphne: You know, we really should stop doing this. It's not nice.
Martin: You're right. All right, we won't do it anymore.
(A man enters the elevator.)
Daphne: So how'd you get the stuff through customs?
Martin: They never checked the wooden leg.

Niles: Frasier, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frasier: That Dad can interpret the looks from his dog, and has only the spottiest recollections of our childhood?

Frasier: All I want to do is have sex with my dead mother! (A passerby stares)

Niles: Maybe Dad will bring him back to the apartment after dinner.
Frasier: Oh well I doubt it. He’ll probably run into J.D. Salinger and Salman Rushdie, and go out for margaritas.

Niles: Little known fact about baseball: the owner of the Boston Red Sox sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees to finance a broadway musical, "No No Nanette."
(Silence)

Frasier: "No No Nanette"??
Niles: I'm sorry, there are exactly two things I could possibly add to a baseball conversation, that and ... no, just the one.

Daphne: Shame on you! Going through someone else's personal property! It's just plain wrong! And I know your father wouldn't approve! of course, I wouldn't be here to tell him if I had the day off.
Frasier: Fine, go!
Daphne: Oh great! Of course, having a day off is pretty meaningless when you have no money to, you know, maybe go to lunch, do some shopping, take in a show - Oh, thanks!

Frasier: We’ll go down in history with the same goon who first read "Hamlet" and told Shakespeare "My goodness. What a parchment turner!"

Niles, getting kissed on the forehead by Bulldog: Well, there's a layer of skin I'll be exfoliating this evening.

Niles: Suddenly I'm being revered as a God by the same troglodytes who, in junior high school, tried to pack me into my own briefcase. It's glorious.
Roz: Oh, I almost forgot the best part. Reggie sent these tickets for tonight's game over.
Niles: Oh. Well I suppose I can't disappoint my new fans. Tell me. Does one still wear a white sweater jauntily tied around the neck to these things?
Roz: If one wants to get the crap beaten out of one!

Roz: Hey Daphne.
Daphne: Raaaaaaaaawwwwz.
Roz: Omigod, you got DUMPED! Did you make her answer the door??
Frasier: It's what she does!

Martin asks a sports question.
Frasier: Eddie, I think that question was directed to you.

Niles: That's not the reaction I expected. I thought you'd say something more Dad-like. You know, like ...
Martin: You must be out of your mind? Never going to go for it in a million years?
Niles, laughing: Stop it.
Martin: Someday you'll look back on this as the stupidest, most idiotic--
Niles, no longer laughing: I said STOP IT.

Niles: Well I'm here! I forgot to gargle, I'm wearing mis-matched socks, and I'm so nervous I could wet myself!
Roz: Well, at least we have your opening line down.

Niles: So Adelle, is that one ell or two?
Adelle: Two.
Niles, fascinated: Really!!

Frasier: It'll give me a chance to debut my Limoges coffee set. Six unique cups, each representing a different wife of Henry VIII. My antique dealer just found an Ann of Cleves to complete the set.
Martin: He loves to rub it in. I'm still looking for Wilma to complete my juice glass set.

Niles: I no longer have to worry about becoming one of those pitiful losers, embittered by a failed marriage, leading a lonely, pathetic life of... (Frasier looks at him) fulfillment and good times!
Frasier: Shouldn't you make a beeping noise when you back up like that?

Martin on Rodney: I can't talk now, Duke - I'm in the Twilight Zone!

Frasier and Martin: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??
Frasier: I feel like maybe we should put a red mark on the real Niles so we can tell them apart!

Rodney: So sorry, but about my coffee. I forgot to mention that I like my milk steamed, but just a dollop of foam, such as to give the effect of a cumulous cloud reflected in a still pond.
Niles: Consider it done. (Rodney leaves) I want to kill myself!

Rodney: Nothing on earth smells quite so heavenly as freshly brewed coffee. Well, perhaps one thing.
Daphne: Stop that, Rodney! He loves to smell my hair!
(A dish breaks offscreen)
Frasier: Ann Boleyn?
Niles, offscreen: Catherine of Aragon!

Frasier: Oh Lord, now this little bird has no beak!

Niles: When are you going to learn, Dad, the only thing the Crane boys are good at catching is sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus!

Niles: Maybe you should put the scissors down while he still has one good eye!

Dr Campbell, as Frasier and Lilith try to bribe him: I have to tell you that I find this utterly offensive (looks at amount on cheque) in every possible way. Now if you don't mind, I have guests on the way and a turkey so undercooked a skilled veterinarian could still save him.

More quotes from this episode can be found on the Focus on Lilith page.

Martin: I was thinking maybe we could put it over the fireplace.
Frasier: Yes, the fireplace, that's the first place I thought of too.

Frasier: A hippo cannot possibly be as repellant as a rabid matador killing an epileptic bull.
Roz: Was the bull wearing a pork-pie hat and fishing off a dock?
Frasier: Continue.

Frasier: I'm the most ungrateful son there ever was!
Martin: I can never do anything for my son!
Niles: No one wants to come to my party!

Niles: Imagine a whole roomful of trained psychologists hearing the story of Sheldon, my imaginary protege.
Frasier: Ah yes, Sheldon. That troubled little fellow who kept wetting your bed.

Sherry: I love making people laugh! To me humour is like medicine!
Niles: I guess we're in the placebo group.

Sherry: Well, as a matter of fact, when my friend Donna's marriage was on the rocks, you were the one she called for advice.
Frasier: Really? And did my advice prove helpful?
Sherry: That's not important. You cared. That's what matters.

Sherry: Get right back in the saddle. My Mum always used to say to me, "Honey, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone." Well, Momma had lots of sayings like that.
Niles: I didn't know Mae West had children.

Martin: What do you think?
Frasier: Uh, wow!
Martin: Niles?
Niles: Oh, I see that wow, and raise you a zowee!

Sherry on her perfume: You wouldn't believe how cheap it is. For a hundred bucks I could buy enough to drown myself in.
Niles, aside to Frasier: I've got sixty.

Martin: I guess it's too much to expect my own family to make a person I care about feel welcome.
Frasier: Wait a minute!! When did you ever make any of the women we were involved with feel welcome??
Niles: Oh, Frasier you're right. He almost got away with that!

Frasier, seeing Sherry at Cafe Nervosa: Quick Niles, pull up the ladder, she found our clubhouse.

Niles: Leave me out of this. I'm not sorry. Don't tell him that. If he asks, I'm living in Italy. No, France. No, Italy.

John: How is Niles anyway?
Frasier: Uh, he’s abroad now.
John: Really? Whoa, that must have hurt.

Daphne: You may have treated this man unfairly but think of all the people you’ve helped on your show. Just yesterday you reconciled that couple on the brink of divorce and today you helped Molly from Tacoma overcome her addiction to Swedes.
Frasier: That was sweets, not Swedes!
Daphne: I thought it was strange when you told her to limit herself to one or two after meals.

Susan: It kind of started around the time that I first met John. I was working in a convenience store, I caught him shoplifting. Next thing I knew we were rolling around on the slurpy machine and I’d already pressed the silent alarm so I knew that the cops were on their way. That’s when I realised what really turns me on. Knowing I could get caught at any moment. (She leaps on Frasier)
Frasier: Oh Dear God! He’s out of jail, isn’t he?
Susan: He could walk in at any time.
Frasier: He’ll kill us!
Susan: Ooh, touch me here and say that!
Frasier: Are you crazy?? He doesn’t even let people touch his comb!!

Sherry: Oh, Frasier, now that I know you like antiques, I've got a little present at home for you. It's a lamp, shaped like two frogs kissing and when you turn it on, their hearts glow. When would you like me to bring it by?
Niles: Preferably when I'm here.

Frasier: Let's just say somebody passes by my door, sees the knocker and suddenly feels just a little bit better without even knowing why. That same person passes a perfect stranger and smiles. Who in turn reaches down, picks up, perhaps, a piece of trash. Plants a garden, volunteers at a soup kitchen. Like little ripples on a still pond, the happiness spreads. What I'm asking to do, think of this not simply as an ornament but rather an opportunity, dare I say it, knocking on the door of a new more civilised world. Thank you.

Man: You are our only chance, Dr. Crane and she must be defeated. She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.
Frasier: Of bad water pressure?
Man: No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.

Niles: Excuse me, you saw my Maris completely naked?
Frasier: Oh, don't fret, Niles, it was really nothing more than a fleeting glance in a very steamy bathroom. More like glimpsing a birch sapling through a thick fog.
Niles: Life is so unfair! You get a vision of my Maris, I get a big eye-full of Dad!
Frasier: Well, I say we hit about the same level on the "Yikes!" meter!

Daphne: Do you suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer?
Frasier: Only if the question is "What is the most asinine thing we could possibly do?"

Roz: Would you date a gynecologist?
Daphne: Oh God no. I wouldn't even date a dentist - hands in people's mouths all day - and after watching Eddie's complete physical, I'm not eager to date a vet anytime soon either.

Daphne: The biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago and no one's even mentioned it.

Martin: You think about that [death] too? I thought it was just me.
Frasier: Everybody thinks about it.
Martin: Do you lie real still and hold your breath, and pretend you're in the ground?
Frasier: No, that's just you.

Daphne: You know, I once had a psychic tell me the strangest thing - that one day I'd go off me rocker, take up a kitchen knife, kill the entire household and then kill meself. Silly old bag. She was right about my moving to Seattle though.

Niles: I've always liked the thought of meeting the great people of history, but then I think what if it's like high school and none of the really cool dead people want to talk to me? Mozart'll tell me he's busy, but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln!

See the Focus on Eddie page for more quotes from this episode.

Laura: Whoah! Whose little boy are you?

Laura: "The Man Who Came To Dinner" - It's about a bad tempered invalid that moves into these people's house and just drives them crazy.
Martin: Oh, a comedy?
Frasier: I used to think so.

Niles: They could be thinking platonic! The two of them in one room, sleeping like babies!
Frasier: The two of us in another, crying like babies.

Niles: Oh, I know! Their luggage will tell us! We'll put my bag in with your date's and your bag in with my date's. They'll see the mistake and by the way they correct it will tell us with whom they're planning to spend the night. With each other or us, and either way, it'll all look like a simple misunderstanding.
Frasier: You've done this before!
Niles: Only on my honeymoon.

Frasier: Can't they just give us one clear signal?
Beth: Well, I'm off to bed. Niles, are you coming?
Niles: Curse these infernal riddles!

Niles on the phone with Maris: I know that we're allowed to see other people; my question is, how much of them are we allowed to see?

Frasier to Niles: Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!

Frasier: I'm just going to say this one last time. This weekend, it's not about thinking, it's about doing. Doing something that the Crane boys haven't done for a very very long time! For once in our miserable, sex-starved lives, can we do something pleasurable without thinking it to death? Don't think about today, don't think about what's right! Don't even think of them as Laura and Beth, for tonight they are just two live, breathing, available female bodies who want us!!
Laura: Think again!

Frasier, eyeing "the chair": Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this monstrosity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
Martin: You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Frasier: Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Frasier: I have medical power of attorney, it won't cost me a thing.

Niles, entering with "the dog": We were in the neighbourhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and thought we'd stop by. Of course, the pedicure was for--
Martin: Stop right there, there's no way you can finish that sentence that'll make me proud.

Frasier: Niles, why would you even want to live in such a stodgy building? You know, when I applied there, they treated me like I was riff-raff.
Niles: Well, if you're going to ask and answer your own questions, what do you need me for?

Frasier: You know, I'm going to go out on a limb here, the Montana doesn't accept pets does it?
Niles: On the contary, they welcome them. Just not cats or dogs.
Martin: Well, then you're in luck. Because I don't know what the hell this thing is!

Niles, about to introduce "the bird": She's very exotic, she only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.
Martin: Geez, I'm gettin' nervous - that's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!

Baby: I love you!
Niles: I love you too, Baby.
Baby: I love you, Grandma.
Niles: She's still in transition from her last owner.

Niles: They all have people. Their bills go to their people. I want them to think I have people. I used to have people, but they were Maris' people.
Frasier: Niles, if you keep this up, you won't even have the people who don't care that you don't have people.

Frasier: I've taken myself off the dating circuit. I was afraid I was getting desperate.
Niles: Well, I was a bit concerned when you called to ask if Gloria was our first or second cousin.

Frasier: Roz was right - the moment I stop looking for the perfect woman, she lands right in my lap!
Niles: Well I hope you're comfortable with that arrangement, because that's where she'll be seated Friday night.

Niles: Which Elaine? Maris knows three Elaines.
Frasier: Well, she's exquisitely dressed, very thin and dripping with attitude.
Niles: Oh yeah, like that narrows it down. (peeks through the door) I was afraid of that - it's the bad Elaine. Maris' oldest friend. Nothing would delight her more than to report back to Maris that I threw a soiree with a cockatoo on my head.

Frasier: ... At which point the woman said to Churchill, "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." To which Churchill replied, "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." (No one laughs) Perhaps you've heard that story.
Edward: Yes - from Churchill.

Niles: The wedding is to be held in the woods.
Frasier: So?
Niles: I need a date. You know how the women in my crowd tend to droop outdoors.

Moira: Let me tell you something. I'm 81 now, and every morning I open my eyes and I see the sun streaming through the window, I hear the birds chirping, I smell the coffee brewing down the hall. And I walk into the bathroom and I look into the mirror. And do you know what I say to myself?
Roz: What?
Moira: ECH!!!!
Roz, startled: What the hell is that?
Moira: That's the second thing I say!

Moira: Nobody likes to get older, but it doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself. I'll tell you a funny story. Last week I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule, and now I get all my sponge baths from Eduardo!

Roz: I wouldn't care about getting older if I thought my mind was gonna be as sharp as yours.
Moira: Sharp? I'll tell you a funny story. Last week I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule, and now I get all my sponge baths from Eduardo!
Roz is not impressed.

Martin: You're doing a lot better, that's six in a row without hitting yourself in the kidney on your follow-through.

Martin: I can't do math in my head? That's your big disappointment?

Frederick: Grandpa can't do math in his head?!

More quotes can be found in the "Freddy and Daphne" section of my Niles and Daphne page

Gil: Nigel does have that divine speech in the second act about his boyhood in Surrey. "Romping with his school chums in the fins and spinneys, when the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lambent flame." Actually, I had rather a long peek at the script.

Roz, eating cheese: Inspector, thank God you've come.
Frasier: Hold it, Daphne, stop the watch. Roz, I have a line in my script which reads, 'When she opened her lips, I caught a hint of some exotic accent'. You'll notice it does NOT say, 'When she opened her lips, cheese fell out!'
(Submitted by Karli... thanks!)

Roz: Did you see anything, Mr Wing?
Bulldog: Oh, me no lookie, me go beddy bye chop chop!
Roz: Stop! Chinese Embassy on line one!

Mel: I've done that accent for Broadway and the London stage!
Frasier: Yes, well perhaps they have different standards than I have.

Frasier: Mel... I'm still not entirely happy with the second McAllister sister.
Mel, ominously: Oh?
Frasier: Well yes... she doesn't sound ... spinsterish enough.
Mel: I see. You also told me that my gamekeeper sounded too cultured, that my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic, and that my dwarf was too tall! Let me try Hans again and tell me how my German is sounding. I qvit!
Daphne: Sound of door slamming.

Roz: Where are you going to find an idiot willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?
Frasier, on phone: Niles!
Daphne: Sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead!

Frasier: That's all part of the thrill of the live performance - butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, scratchy throat, pounding heart - I suppose you have all of those.
Bulldog: I do now.

Frasier: ... And when she opened her lips I caught a hint of some exotic accent.
Roz: Ibsbeb - ow! Thag Gob you'b cub!
Frasier: This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke!
Roz: I ca'b beweeb aby ob by gebs cub be a (wincing) mubbibbuh mububuw.
Frasier: That's easy for you to say.

Frasier: What's this? The phone lines have been cut! Now we're really stranded - totally and completely isolated from any contact with the outside world!
The phone rings and Noel answers it with "Studio Five!"

Martin: I don't remember the plots of these things being so goofy.
Daphne: Mr Wing wasn't mute last night.

Niles: DON'T direct me.

Roz: There's someone outside that window!
Frasier: Why yes, Miss Thorndike, you're right! It appears to be...
(Noel hits the wrong sound effect)
Frasier: ... the ice cream truck!

Maxine: Look out! He has a nug!!

Frasier: Nigel Fairservice was shot again!
Gil: Only grazed me.

Frasier: The final bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders!

Gil: Hi ho! I'm Nigel's brother Cedric. I haven't seen him since our boyhood. We'd romp--
(Bang!)
Frasier: And so died the last surviving member of the Fairservice family.

Gil: Hello, I'm the ice cream man. Years ago I went to school with Nigel Fairservice. We used to romp in the fins and spinneys--

Daphne: This is turning into a bloodbath!

Niles: Sorry 'bout that O'Toole, I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle... could the McAllister sisters stand back to back, I'm short on bullets. Thank you!

Roz: That's the last time I jog in these shorts. My thighs are chaffing like a couple of hams wrapped in velcro! Non-fat mocha, please! What?
Frasier: As flattered as we are that you've chosen our company over, say... a shower, perhaps you'd like to go to the ladies room to freshen up a little bit?
Roz: Hey, at least I try to keep in shape. I haven't seen one of you two run an eight minute mile!
Niles: Stand upwind of us and you might.

Sherry to Niles: Oh, what's that on your cheek? My lips!

Roz: Frasier, that guy was the biggest gossip in my home town. He saw me with my hair all sweaty, my sweatshirt full of soap! Oh God, what could be worse?
Frasier: Well, here's a hint. Got milk?

Frasier: What are you doing? You look nauseated!
Niles: That woman is flirting with me. This is my "I'm available" face.
Frasier: Stop it! My God, people'll think the shrimp is bad!

Niles: I've been admiring her all evening so I steeled myself and asked her if she would be free next week.
Frasier: And?
Niles: Well, her lips said no, but her eyes said, "Read my lips." I suppose you came over here to gloat because a woman came on to you.
Frasier: No, hardly, I wouldn't do that sort of thing. I came over here to gloat because two women came onto me!
Niles: Two?!
Frasier: My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life. I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip.
Niles: I think I feel a furball coming up.

Roz: All right, you've compared dating to unemployment, claustrophobia and bedwetting. Is there anything you'd like to tell me?
Frasier: Ask me if I'm free this weekend.
Roz: Well, obviously...
Frasier: Roz, ask me, come on. And let me remind you, it's a three-day weekend.
Roz: Are you free this weekend?
Frasier: No, I have a date this evening. And I've got a date tomorrow night. Oh, and let me check my calender for Sunday. Oh yes, another date!

Daphne: I'm trying my American.
Frasier: You're certainly trying this American!

Kimberly: Oh, I can admire this view for hours.
Frasier: As could I.

Frasier: The very first production I ever did was "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Not to toot my own horn, but my Bottom received a standing avation.

Martin: Chinese for breakfast? Who eats that?
Sherry: About a billion Chinese people.

Frasier, watching Daphne wave at the elevator wall: What are you doing?
Daphne: Saying hello to Mr. Hicks in security.
Frasier: There's a hidden camera up there?
Daphne: Yes, but he said don't worry about it. He said lots of people pull down their pants to tuck in their shirts. Though he did recommend having that rash looked at.

Daphne: Oh come on now, men and women have been having this conversation for centuries. The woman always says, 'Do we always have to fight?'
Frasier: Well the man would say, 'Well, it's your own fault, you started it!'
Daphne: 'Can't we at least talk this out? Come on, sit with me on the bed.'
Frasier: 'I don't feel like sitting!'
Daphne: 'Do you have to be so cold?'
Frasier: 'Well, you made me angry!'
Daphne: 'You could at least put your arms around me!'
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, I'm sorry...

Frasier, on the phone with Niles: Dad and Sherry just broke up. He seems to be taking it okay, I guess.. oh no, I don't think it's appropriate - well, it's just too soon for us to be celebrating right now. (He hangs up and it rings again almost immediately. Frasier answers) It's still too soon, Niles!

Frasier: Daphne, shhh... do you hear that?
Daphne: What?
Frasier: The sound of a Sherry-free apartment. I've been basking in it for the last thirty minutes. Right now, I feel like a sea-front village after the Vikings have left.

Frasier: Niles, I'd offer you a sherry but I'm fresh out!

Adair: Oh, what a lovely view. I didn't fully appreciate it the other night.
Frasier: My sentiments exactly.

Frasier: So, second time in two nights Sherry manages to chase away another date! It's like she's a scarecrow in the cornfield of my love life!
Niles: I don't know how many more of your disastrous love stories I can hear. I'll say "when."

Roz: This is the Roz I want him to talk about when he goes to that wedding this weekend.
Frasier: The vain neurotic lying Roz?

Sherry to Roz: Gee, you look familiar. Did I see your older sister in here the other day? Oh, she must be jealous of you!

Frasier: Yes, well he's just being his stubborn, ordinary self.
Sherry: I do miss that!

Leslie: Wow. Even more stunning than I remembered.
Frasier: Yes, it is!

Martin: You don't understand at all - when you've been married for thirty five years, you never thought there could be someone else. And one day you hear yourself say "I love you" to another woman. Maybe then you'll understand what I'm going through.
Frasier: Dad, there was a time after my first marriage was breaking up. I was talking to Mom. She said to me, "Frasier, you've gotta promise me you're not going to give up." I said "Mom, please, the last thing I want to hear is a bunch of clichés and that we're all put on the earth to love each other, and how it's certainly possible for the human heart to love more than one person." I said, "All right, Mom, give me one good reason to ever let myself fall in love again". She said, "Because I said so and I'm your mother!"

Sherry: Maybe you wouldn't be so touchy if you didn't wake up on the wrong side of no one every morning.
Daphne: That's your answer to everything, sex! It's like you're half rabbit. People ought to rub your feet for luck!

Frasier: Exactly what part of "I'm taking a bath" did you take to mean "come on in"?

Frasier: It's like the Roman Emperor Tiberius, his mother, Livia, and his wife, Vipsania.
Martin: What?
Sherry: Huh?
Daphne: Who?
Niles: Go on.

For more from this great episode, visit the Niles and Daphne page

Niles: Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?

Niles, reading: "Frasier never seems to get enough at mealtimes. He's nearly twice the size of Niles, and often, when he thinks I'm not looking, steals his brother's food."

Frasier: All it takes is stealth, cunning, and the keys to the door.

Niles: She didn't change the locks, she changed the dogs!

Niles: Do you know what this means?
Frasier: Our mother named us after lab rats.

Daphne: Dr Crane, are you all right?
Niles: Just a little hot. And foamy.

More quotes from this episode are on the Focus on Maris page.

Frasier: May I take your cello?
Laura: I checked my cello. This is my purse. I think that's funny, why doesn't anybody laugh at that?

Laura: Don't I sound like the perfect snob!
Frasier, adoringly: Yes.

Let's keep going! Season Five!