Frasier Season Five quotes

Frasier: Did it ever occur to you that I'm merely being discreet? That I actually did meet a woman, I just don't care to broadcast it?
Bulldog: Sure, that'll happen!

Daphne, helping Martin with exercises: All right, now, flip over, ten kicks on each side.
Martin: Oh, Jeez, I hate this one. What does it do anyway?
Daphne: Nothing for you, but it does get a nice breeze going.

Daphne: I've never known Dr Crane to tell a lie.
Niles: Actually, this is not without precedent. When he was ten, he forged letters from Leonard Bernstein and told everyone they were pen pals.
Martin: Oh, yeah.
Niles: He'd come bounding up the stairs, "Got another one from Lenny!" We were all agog until Mr Bernstein wrote that his Broadway debut was "Candide" when everyone knows that it was "On The Town." That's when we knew it was a fake!
Martin: The sloppy kid lettering was also a clue!

Martin: Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!

Niles: As you may recall, Dad, he was relieved that once and for all he could give up the charade. [charahd]
Martin: Char-ayde.
Niles: Cha-rahde.

Niles: Oh, that is so sad.
Daphne: I'll say, nobody's ever bought me caviar and I'm real!

Frasier: We'll always have one incredible night to look back on fondly.
Kelly: I think we'll be looking back on two incredible nights.
Frasier: No, I'm sorry darling, it's just one night; Saturday night, then of course Sunday, you were... Oh. Right, right.

Frasier: I AM NOT CRAZY! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, who I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Is that so hard to believe?!

Martin: You know Fraze, every year you and Niles go overboard trying to find these great presents for me and you know, it's always made me kinda uncomfortable.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah. So this year, I just wanted you to know... I'm over it. So go crazy! You only turn 65 once!

Daphne: You know, Dr Crane, the last thing I want to do is encourage more competition between you and your brother. But if you really want to make your father happy...
Frasier: Don't even say it!
Daphne: But it's the only thing he's ever asked for!
Frasier: Oh God, it'll ruin my apartment, my life! I can't! I won't! I mustn't!
Daphne: It's over, Dr Crane.
(Frasier whimpers. Cut to Daphne and Frasier looking up at a huge black ...)
Daphne: That is one big screen tv. He's gonna love it.
Frasier, whimpering: I know.

Frasier: You can only live in denial for so long before (gasp!) You didn't!!
Niles: Didn't what? Buy the horse? Sorry. Did.
(It's the gasp that makes this quote for me!)

Sherry, seeing the TV: Oh wow, she's a beaut! Marty and I are gonna be spending a lot more time over here.
Frasier: The gift that keeps on giving.

Roz: I'm O, from the Story of O.
Everyone: Oh.
Roz: It's gonna be a long night.

Daphne: Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one myself a few years back.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, really?
Daphne: Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention. I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.
Frasier: I had no idea.
Daphne: Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.

Roz: How could you tell Niles about the baby??
Frasier: I didn't! Daphne told him, the damnable chatterbox!
Roz: And who told Daphne?
Frasier: Well... that would be me!

Daphne: Roz, do you have a tissue?
Roz: If you don't see it, I don't have it!

Frasier: Oh well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault! You should have read the directions on the package before you used it!

Frasier: Listen, everybody, I am not the father of Roz's baby! In fact, we don't even know for sure if there is a baby!
Roz: We do now.

Niles: Daphne, I just have to say that I am mortified about my behaviour last night. Honestly, I don't know what got into me.
Martin: About a quart of vodka, for starters.

Martin: Things have sure changed since my day. Back then if a girl got in trouble, her family'd just ship her off to relatives in another state, and if anybody asked, they just lied and said she went to Europe. Then when she came back, they'd raise the child as a little sister. Not like today! We had morals & values back then!

Frasier: The father of your child is a teenager!
Roz: Well, of course he is not a teenager anymore! He had a birthday three weeks ago!

Roz: When you were a junior in college, if a woman came to you and told you she was carrying your child, wouldn't you have been devastated?
Frasier: In my case I would have been mystified.

Martin: Boy, I can't stand these yuppie joints. Some bozo went through the bathroom correcting all the grammar in the graffiti with a red pen.
Frasier: Yes, I noticed.
Martin: Who'd have that much time on their hands?
Frasier: Unbelieveable.
Martin: It was Niles, wasn't it.
Frasier: I'll talk to him again.

Roz: When I get married, it's going to be to someone I love, and to someone who loves me, and someone who can legally drink champagne at my wedding!

Roz: I had no idea I let this milk expire.
Frasier: It's really all right, Roz.
Roz: I can't take this. Damn it, how could I let this happen?!
Frasier: Are we still talking about the milk?
Roz: Don't you see? Milk is a staple! I let a staple go bad! Good mothers don't let staples go bad! How can I be responsible for a child when I can't even keep fresh milk in the house? Kids need milk!
Frasier: Roz, if it helps, kids don't even drink milk for the first year.
Roz: Oh, see? I didn't even know that!

Frasier: You get to share your life with a remarkable little creature... who only lives in the present, runs around naked without the slightest bit of shame, and can entertain himself for hours just staring at a shiny object. Isn't that wonderful?
Roz: Isn't that Bulldog?

Frasier, after signing an autograph: Where was I?
Niles: You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego!

Daphne, on the phone: I just want to renew my passport. No, I'm a resident alien here from England. You know, the country that used to own you people!
Martin: She'll go right to the head of the line now!
Daphne: I can't wait two weeks! My friend Xena's flying down to meet her mum's ship, Sunday. Don't you put me on hold again! I'll hang up, I mean it! (She hangs up) I showed him!

Niles: Happy Frasier Crane Day. Or is it Merry Frasier Crane Day, I can never remember.

Niles: Sorry I'm late, I stopped half way to listen to a jolly band of Frasier Crane Day carollers. I tried to join in on "The Twelve Days Of Frasier" but forgot the words around day seven. How does it go again?
Frasier: I believe it's "seven snobs a-snipeing."

Niles: As usual I left it till the last minute to write all my Frasier Crane Day cards!

Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Niles, will you come out of there?
Niles: Our mugger specifically instructed us to wait for five minutes!
Frasier: If he wanted us to time it exactly, he wouldn't have taken our watches!

Frasier: Perhaps you might have cut a more dashing figure had you vaulted over the turnstile rather than crawling underneath it!
Niles, snarkily: I'm surprised the trains are even running on Frasier Crane Day.

Attendent: I guess it just isn't your day.
Frasier: But it is my day!

Niles: I hesitate to say this but you still have time.
Frasier: Stop it! Don't you dare get my hopes up! The ship has sailed, the fat lady has... Taxi! Taxi!

Daphne: As me mum used to say, there'll be no dogs in hell!
Frasier: I sincerely doubt that!

Frasier: I know exactly what you're going to say. You're going to say I should mind my own business, keep my big bazoo shut.
Martin: I was gonna say fat yap, but you're in the ballpark.

Martin: They already have a therapist, and if Niles needs any more help, he's got Doctor Jim Beam here, and he makes house calls!

Niles, on the phone with Maris: Actually, I have plans of my own for our anniversary that I'm very excited about. Bon voyage! (hangs up)
Frasier: Well, that's a very healthy approach, Niles. What are your plans?
Niles: Well, I thought I'd sit on my couch in my cavernous apartment, rocking back and forth while hugging my knees.

Roz: Hey, some ship, huh? How's your stateroom?
Frasier: I'd hardly call it a stateroom. I wouldn't even call it a room except that I don't know the nautical term for "broom closet with sconces." How's yours?
Roz, closing the door behind her: The same. Worse, even. And I'm sure you have a better view from your porthole than I do.
Frasier: You have a porthole??!
Roz: What difference does it make? A cabin's just a place to shower and change your clothes.
Frasier: You have a shower??! All I have is a nozzle and a floor drain - it took me an hour to put those two things together!

Martin, giving Niles food advice: Now the buffets come at a pretty good pace, so you gotta pace yourself. And watch out for your fillers - your breads, your rolls, your chips, your dips. You've only got so much room - don't be a hero.

Niles, reading from the list of stars: "The comedy stylings of Giggles O'Shea." Oh yes, you're in stellar company. Oh and look, they even managed to snare a magician - "The Amazing Lance Boule."
Martin: Oh, he's great. I caught his act in Reno a few years ago. For his finale, he made his own head disappear.
Niles: Now, did the toupee go too, or did it just hover?

Frasier: You've booked me on a floating Gong Show!!

The Barracuda: Buenos noches (sp??). Hablas espanola?
Roz: Uh, not really.
The Barracuda: Is no matter. I'm sure you are schooled in the international language.
Frasier: Yes, Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto.

Roz, after her encounter with The Barracuda: Okay, you're right. We're on the voyage of the damned.

Mimi: I'm sure you can convince Maris that this is all completely innocent. If not, I'm in cabin 712.

Frasier: All I know is that I have got to be downstairs in the next ten minutes, or two hundred people are going to be sorely disappointed!
Roz: Two hundred people? Where'd you hear that?
Frasier: They told me that was the room capacity!

See the Maris page for more from this episode.

Frasier, trying to return a purse to the store: This really was a gift, and I'll thank you when you say the word "friend" not to italicize it.

Daphne on Sam: Maybe she's had her fill of attractive men, and is ready for a change.

Sam: I hope this doesn't offend you, but I've had the most stressful day and I really don't have the energy to make a lot of small talk. Plus I'm not very hungry. Would you mind terribly if we just--
Frasier: I know where this is heading. You don't have to say it.
Sam: Frasier, could we just go somewhere and have sex?
Frasier: Well, I'm flattered, and the thought is very tempting, but you see, on my show I'm constantly preaching that people should get to know one other, have things in common, before taking that kind of step. What's your favourite colour?
Sam: Blue.
Frasier: Mine too. Cheque please!

Frasier: How was the boat show?
Daphne: Oh, it was wonderful.
Martin: Yeah, they had this one great exhibit where you climb into this boat, you put on a lifejacket and they simulate what it's like to be caught out at sea in a hurricane.
Niles enters, looking like he's had a very bad evening indeed!
Frasier: Good Lord, Niles, why did you ever agree to go on a ride like that?
Niles: I didn't. I dined at the snack bar.

Martin: Well, I guess this wasn't a very hot night for you, was it? Home by 10:30?
Sam, offscreen: Found my bra!

Niles: I can tell by that goofy smile of yours that you're obviously smitten with this woman.
Frasier: Thank you Niles, but I am not some dewy-eyed teenager. ... She did say the cutest things. She said "Murderers often show no remorse for their actions, because they have no moral center." Well, it was cute the way she said it.

Frasier: Niles has always been able to identify a sauce from a great distance.
Martin: His mother and I were so proud.

Niles: I might venture a theory at which you are sure to hoot. What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time, you find yourself in the more submissive role.
Frasier: What on God's earth are you talking about?
Daphne: I think what he means is, you're the girl.

Martin: I don't think we need to look beyond the confines of our own family to find an example of a man who let a woman run the show from the beginning, and has been paying for it ever since.
Niles: Poor Uncle Frank.

Frasier: It's my one month anniversary with Sam, I'd like to take her to L'escalier for dinner.
Niles: I understand, of course. One month is quite a milestone. Thanks for the reminder - I need to change my water filter.

Martin, looking for the remote: They ought to make one with a sensor on it. You get more than twenty feet from the TV, it senses it and starts beeping. Maybe for a deaf person they could make one that has purple smoke coming out of it like some kind of flare system or something.
Daphne: Mr Crane, I'm begging you, you've got to get out of the house more!

Frasier makes everyone tell him his faults:
Frasier: Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne: Pretentious.
Frasier: Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
Roz: Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier: Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz: And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier: A tad loquacious.
Martin: Pretentious.
Frasier: Dad, I already wrote that down.
Martin: Underline it.
Niles: Oh, snippy.
Daphne: Sarcastic.
Martin: Bossy.
Niles: Huffy.
Roz: Vain.
Frasier: Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!

Martin: Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Niles: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Niles: Tedacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Different list, Daph!

Niles: Well, no wonder you're heart broken. You've just lost the only woman you could even possibly sometime down the line perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one!

Niles: I want to really hear you attack the note.
(Martin sings.)
Niles: Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.

(Frasier and Niles sing while squatting and standing.)
Frasier: Try it, Dad.
Martin: No, I'm afraid with three of us doing it, it might look stupid.

From Martin's viewpoint
Niles: Oh, that's awfully dangerous Daphne, standing under that mistletoe!
The same scene from Daphne's viewpoint
Niles: Oh, that's awfully dangerous, Daphne, standing under that mistletoe! A piece could fall into your eye.

From Daphne's viewpoint
Niles: First of all, I can see you're upset, so c'mere. (Hugs her.)

Woman #1: Surely you climbed plenty of trees when you were a boy.
Woman #2: He's Dr Crane's brother.
Woman #1: Oh.

Niles: In times of a crisis, someone must step forward and be a hero. Today, that man is Niles Crane. Tomorrow it will be my dry cleaner, Mr Lee.

Niles: Not to worry, I landed in a nice soft puddle of grease.

Niles: People? Lady with my coat?
(Maybe it's the way he says it...)

Daphne: Sorry, Dr Crane, it seems like I've brought you down here for nothing.
Frasier: Oh, hardly. If not for you I would have missed seeing the World's Most Nauseating Couple defend their title.

Daphne: Suddenly I'm not feeling so well.
Frasier: Oh, really? I hope it's not that flu that's going around.
Daphne: I think I'll just stay home tonight.
Frasier: Yes, yes, that's probably for the best. You've got to be careful what you bring down to the pub with you.
Daphne: Tell me about it!

Daphne: I mean, imagine being so dense that he can completely ruin someone else's evening and not even be aware of it. This wax is dripping! (blows out the candles)
Martin: Have you tried maybe dropping a hint? (pops open the champagne loudly)
Daphne: Oh believe me, I've dropped plenty, they go right over his head! Oh, I'll have a glass of that!

Frasier: You make a toast.
Daphne: I don't want you coming down here anymore.
Frasier: Well, I suppose "Here's mud in your eye" sounded kind of mean the first time, too.

Daphne: We Brits don't know the meaning of the word defeat!
Frasier: Oh really! I suppose you're not acquainted with a little spat we refer to as the Revolutionary War!
Daphne: Oh, just like a Yank! Insulting us Brits to cover up your inferiority complex!
Frasier: What exactly should we feel inferior about, your pioneering work in the field of soccer hooliganism?
Daphne: Oh, say your worst. We both know there isn't as much dignity in this entire country as our Queen's got in her little finger.
Frasier: Oh yes, you've really bested me there, what could be more dignified than a dainty old sandbag who wears a flowerpot on her head?

Daphne: I found a ring in your father's underwear drawer.
Frasier: What on earth would leave a ring around his underwear drawer?

Niles: Dad must be about to ask Sherry to marry him. Do you know what that means?
Frasier: Yes, we're going to hear what Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" sounds like on the banjo!

Frasier: My my my. Quite the little shindig you two are planning for tonight. You have the corn dogs, the erotic fortune cookies, and for after dinner a bloopers tape - "Too Hot for Hee Haw"!

Niles: Maybe there's some way to impart the information without explaining how we came by it. Just sort of drop it casually into the conversation.
Frasier: And how would that go? "Oh Dad, you going to the Sherry's Ex-Husbands convention this year?"

Daphne: The next time I find something interesting in your father's underwear drawer, I'm just going to sit on it.

Frasier: Who would have guessed that something so innocent as spying on a man's girlfriend and rifling his underwear drawer could turn so ugly?

Sherry: I'm so glad that you're so happy your father's breaking up with me.
Frasier: Breaking up...? I had no idea.
Sherry: And you get paid to help people through their difficult moments.

Frasier watching sports: Wow, that's incredible! He made the same impossible shot twice in a row!
Martin: It's the instant replay.

Frasier, on the bird: He happens to be a relative of mine. (No one laughs.)

Niles: How can you tell Frasier Crane's a psychiatrist?
Frasier: I can't wait to hear.
Niles: He ignores what you say and then sticks you with a large bill.

Niles: I think you have a real case against the maker of those crane sedatives.
Frasier: I just wish they'd named the damn bird after someone else.
Niles: Gregory Peck, perhaps?

Ben: Yesterday when you threw that little couch at me, I thought to myself, "This is not a happy client."

Daphne: A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner.
Frasier: Yes. Where would the world be without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking?

Daphne: You should really write a book - "How to get a date in two easy years."

Shenkman: It's not what it looks like. What am I saying? Niles, I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little stressed.
Niles: You're feeling stressed?
Shenkman: Put yourself in my place.
Niles: I very nearly did.

Niles: Fifteen years with Maris and I end up in bed with her lover.
Martin: Sheez, I didn't need to hear that.
Niles: It was an accident, it was pitch black, I thought he was Maris.
Frasier: A natural mistake. What tipped you off?
Niles: The heat from her side of the bed.

Frasier: Well, it's Saturday night. And here we are... again.
Martin: Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date.
Niles: Thousands! Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.

Niles: I grant you, she is comely, but don't you find her a bit - what would be the polite euphemism - stupid?
Frasier: Niles, she's just unschooled, like Eliza Doolittle. But I'm the right Henry Higgins. She'll be ready for a ball in no time.
Niles: Leave it to you to put the pig back in Pygmalion.

Daphne: Dibs on the Frenchman!

Frasier: Oh, you speak French too?
Annie: No, all I know how to say is, "Oui!"
Frasier: Well, that should be enough to get you through the weekend.

Martin: Look at that - two deer in the snow, just kinda nuzzling each other.
Daphne: How romantic.
Frasier: It's enough to put ideas into one's head! (Looks at Annie)
Annie: Isn't it! (Looks at Niles)
Niles: Ye-es! (looks at Daphne)
Daphne: I should say so! (looks at Guy)
Guy: Absolument! (Checks out Niles' butt)

Annie: Oh, I know the pain you're going through... I've never been divorced myself, but my last boyfriend was... eventually!

Niles: Just between us, my interests lie... elsewhere this weekend.
Guy, growling sexily: R-r-really!

Daphne: I don't want him all to myself!
Annie: Oh I see, it's a threesome you're after! Well, I don't do those anymore!!

Guy: You are not the Crane I want!
Frasier: You're not even the sex I want!

Niles: Oh my God... what are you doing in here with Guy!
Guy: Don't be jealous, Niles - it's not how it looks.
Niles: ... WHAT?!?

Frasier: Let me see if I can get this straight. All the lust coursing through this lodge tonight - all the hormones virtually ricocheting off the walls - And - no one - was chasing me? See you at breakfast.

Room Service

Frasier: This is Dr Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health and - AIGH!!

Lilith: What did we do? What did we do?!?
Niles: Well, first you put your --
Lilith: I know what we did!! What do we do now??!
Niles: Let's just stay calm. These things happen, they happen every day... every day in Arkansas!

Niles: We both know why this happened, last night was simply two wounded people overcome with loneliness, confusion and...
Lilith: Tequila shooters.

Niles: This is the breakfast I always have after a night of passion.
Lilith: Eggs Benedict? That's very rich.
Niles: I only have it once a year.

Lilith: My God.
Frasier: My goddess!

Waiter: O-kay.

Lilith: You have egg on your face.
Niles: That is an understatement!
Lilith: No, actual egg!

Lilith: Allow me to rebut. What a crock!

Frasier: What?? You didn't do anything wrong?
Niles: I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it.

Frasier: So, isn't this peachy! Everything's turned out just fine for everyone. You two have solved your problems, the waiter recieved a handsome tip, Niles and I have matching bathrobes, and looky here! It's not even 9:30 yet!

Niles: We're an odd little family, aren't we.

More quotes from this great episode are on the focus on Lilith page!

Niles, on cousin Yvonne: A "slight crush"? There are cannibals who are less man-hungry.

Niles and Frasier discussing Aunt Zorra:
Niles: Have you forgotten the family legend that when Hitler invaded Greece she joined the partisans just so she could strangle Nazis?
Frasier: I have never believed that. She would have to have been five years old at the time.
Niles: That's why the legend says they were strangled with jump ropes.

Martin: This is Daphne Moon. She's my physical therapist.
Zorra: Oh. That's what they call it these days? You dirty old man!

Aunt Zorra: Last time he drank on duty he got his head caught in the duck press.
Frasier: Oh, how did he manage that?
Aunt Zorra: With my help.

Frasier: I made you a promise and I'd die before I'd break it.
Aunt Zorra: Or soon after.

Niles: Jugglers have car phones?

Martin: Look at all these different kinds of olive oil. Virgin, extra-virgin. Extra-virgin? How does that work?

Niles: That man is my father, so obviously I cannot leave here with a bag full of your merchandise.
Robert: Home delivery?
Niles: Thank you.

Roz: Oh my God, could I acted any goofier?
Frasier: Not without a set of fake buckteeth!
Roz: He's so handsome. I can't work with someone that handsome. No offense.
Frasier: Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to the looks department, Dr Webber and I aren't in the same...
Roz: Species?
Frasier: I was going to say "league," but species is so much more insulting!

Clint Webber: Harvard? Wow! I was dying to go to Harvard.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure the school you went to was just as good.
Clint: I went to Oxford.
Frasier: Oh, well, even better. So, did you go to medical school there as well?
Clint: Yes, but I took a year off first to get my Master's in French history. Just wanted to do something fun.

Robert: On your way out you will see a sign on the door saying "Please come again." Disregard it.

Bulldog on Clint: I figured, he can't have every chick. So if we pal around, I bag the leftovers.

Niles: Well, you have your victory, you're a wonderful singer, isn't it enough to know that? Do you really need to see him humiliate himself?
Frasier: Yes.

Bulldog: If knowing I'm the best thing on the air makes me cocky, then cocky be I. See, you're not the only one who can talk classy.
Roz: How is that talking like Lassie?

(Niles enters, wearing a hat)
Frasier: Niles, what have we determined about your success with impulse purchases?
Niles: Really? The salesman thought I could pull it off.
Frasier: My suggestion exactly.

Niles: Frasier, ask me if I have news.
Frasier: Actually, I have some news of my own. In the cafe today - (Niles gives him a LOOK) Oh for God's sake. Niles, do you have news?

Niles: If you'd bothered to look past your own name on the first page, you'd have found mine right after it on page (turning pages) fifteen.

Niles: I'm hardly surprised you feel the need to belittle my nomination. In your mind, you're the success. I'm just invisible. That's not the way the rest of the world sees it!
Frasier: Mm hmm. (They enter Frasier's apartment)
Martin: Oh Frasier, boy am I glad to see you!
Daphne: Dr Crane, thank goodness you're home!
Frasier: Thanks guys.
Niles: I'm also here!

Daphne: My life suddenly seems long measured in muffins.

Roz: Omigod, look at the way the lights are shining on the sequins on this dress. I'm a disco ball!

Niles: It's hard not to look elegant in eveningwear. (Roz walks past) Hard, but not impossible.

Niles: Oh, look, wine. They didn't serve alcohol at the technical awards, as I informed so many of the guests who mistook me for their waiter. Y'see, I was the only nominee dressed in black tie, except for the one man in front wearing a tuxedo T-shirt.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles.
Niles: At least I didn't come home empty-handed. We each received one of these handsome certificates, which were given out after we'd folded our tables and stacked our chairs.

Niles: Let's just leave it at, "Congratulations on your new relationship."
Frasier: What are you implying?
Niles: Oh, I think we both know just what kind of relationship we're talking about!

Niles: The only thing you two have in common is the faint impression of the word "Sealey" on your backsides.

Frasier: This topic comes up all the time on my show. What do I always say?
Niles: Um...
Frasier: Surely you must listen occasionally.
Niles: Of course I listen occasionally. It's just I'm usually busy between eleven and one.
Frasier: My show is on from two to five!

Caitlin: When I was little my father owned a vineyard. I was the only kid on the block who would open a can of Hawaiian Punch and let it breath.

Caitlin: Actually, I've always hated the taste of wine.
Niles: Finally, something I can use to tell you two apart!

Caitlin: I cut out alcohol last year, along with processed sugar, dairy products and meat. Oh! I hope I'm not screwing up your menu. What are you serving?
Frasier: Well, so far, parsley and curvy orange slices.

Martin: Frasier, before you continue - I shared my bed last night with a dog.

Frasier: I'm Frasier, and I'm a sexaholic!!

Niles: We'd arrive separately, climb the stairs, open the door... Ooh la la. What an embrace. Afterwards she said to me, "There's something so sweet in your eyes, and it -"
Frasier: "Does me so much good!" Said Emma Bovary!! If you're going to steal a love life, don't steal from the classics, you imbecile!
Niles: The part about being in Paris is true.

Frasier: That's a mousetrap, isn't it? You get many mice?
Caitlin: I wish! I use them in my art.

Caitlin, stuffing a pillow with her hair: I think there's something great about using your body parts for practical use.

Caitlin: Besides, you've heard me howl before.
Frasier: Well, yes, but in that context I took it as a compliment!

Niles: Is he the one who used to plop his eyeball into his mashed potatoes and say, "I'm watching what I eat"?

Frasier: You said you wanted to take the next step.
Niles: The next step! I was just hurled down the entire flight of stairs!

Frasier: Daphne is cooking dinner for your date with a fictitious woman. Why not just set a place for the March Hare and the Mad Hatter?

Niles: As long as I keep track of what I'm saying, nothing is going to blow up on me. (Answers the door.) Phyllis!
Frasier: Kaboom.

What a great episode, and there's more of it on the Niles and Daphne page!

Niles: It's nice to know that some things never change.
Roz: Do you guys know where I can get a cheap hotel in a hurry?
Niles: Case in point!

Martin: Nice! What are they, sapphires?
Frasier: Yes, Dad, I always buy precious stones at the same counter I pick up corn pads and Wart-B-Gone.

Daphne, at breakneck speed: My friend Bobbi got a diamond bracelet from her boss, but she worked for him for ten years, AND she was sleeping with him. I got sapphires! And I didn't have to sleep with you! Although now that I've got the sapphires - Oh, God, what am I saying? I'm giddy! Is it rude if I go and try these on? I don't care! I've never had real jewelry before, I'm speechless!!
Frasier: Dear God. She believes they're genuine sapphires.
Martin: Gee, d'ya think?

Roz: All right, give it to me straight. How do I look?
Frasier: Like Polly Anna grew up and got herself into a little trouble.

Martin: Frisco was a bust. All our watering holes are gone, the steak house is a sushi bar and this morning Duke and I went out for a walk. There was this big crowd, kinda like a pep rally or something. So, we joined them. Well, some official guy up front says something that we didn't hear and everybody's throwing rice, and all the men are kissing each other, and all the women are kissing each other, and I'm not sure but I think Duke and I may be married.

Paula: I hear the Parisians can be kinda snooty.

Steve: Honey, don't ask that. Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little nosey.
Paula: Me, nosey? You're the nosey one in the family.
Steve: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosey.
Paula: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosier!

Tina: I guess it's true what they say - strong hands, strong mind.
Frasier: That's why you'll never see an unopened pickle jar at a Mensa meeting.

Niles: I just met the most fabulous woman!
Frasier: That's fabulous!
Niles to bartender: Two white wines, please.
Frasier: I also met someone. She's terrific!
Niles: I have to show you mine first. She's over by the buffet.
Frasier: So's mine.
Niles: Frasier, let me ask you something. At what point would you like to acknowledge that we're both waving at the same woman?

Niles: We are psychiatrists, not a couple of rutting pigs in a barnyard. What do you say to that?
Frasier: Sooeee.

Roz: My water just broke.
Frasier: Well... maybe you sat in something.
Niles: Oh my God, what's that all over my Turkish prayer rug???

Frasier: What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me??
Roz: Well those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. No wait, I can't, BECAUSE I'M IN LABOUR!!!

Martin on how he dyed his hair: Well, I couldn't use that, it had a woman's picture on the box. So I used some stuff called "Color In A Can" instead. It said "As seen on TV - Just spray on and go." How did I know it was a lousy product?
Frasier: If only there had been some clue!

Trisha: I suppose even Swiss watches stop.
Frasier: You'd be amazed how much fondue gets overcooked that way.

Daphne: If you're talking about someone named Trisha, she called to say she was leaving the restaurant. She also said you were right about the table, it was a beautiful table in a prime location, and that she wished you were laid out dead on top of it.

Niles, finding out that Alison is married: Here's something interesting. I think I just swallowed my tongue.

Niles: Frasier, I have to ask a small favor. I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe.

Frasier: Trisha, you're gonna laugh when you hear this - hello?

Trisha: I'm one of the Truth Bringers. I was ordained by Brother Carmichael himself, the evangelist? I go door to door, spreading his word. Listen, do you mind my asking something? Have you heard the Truth?
Frasier: Something tells me I'm about to.

Frasier: Now the biggest risk I take is saying to Dad, "Let's go to dinner, you pick the restaurant."

Tooty the Story Lady: I met Joe Martin once. He was a very scary man, with eyes as cold as a winter's night!

Joe Martin: From this moment, this station is all Latino music, all the time! I may have walked out of that meeting Joe Martin, corporate sell-out, but I'm walking back in Jose Martinez, Risk Taker!
Frasier: What the hell just happened?
Roz: You just got us all fired!

Season Six!