Frasier Season 6 Quotes

Frasier: I am going to get another job. I'm a beloved Seattle institute.
Martin: Couple more days like this and he's gonna be in a beloved Seattle institute!

Frasier: I'm throwing a party for my fan club!
Martin: Here?
Niles: Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?

Daphne, meeting the fan club: Oh, how creepy. Do come in.

Aaron, a fan: Cool, isn't it - your brother having his own club!
Niles: Well, seeing all of you, I sort of wish I had a club myself.

Frasier: I can't let them do this rally. Three kooks marching round in a circle, you know what that'll do?
Niles: Make them very dizzy very fast.

Waiter: Sorry to interupt, but I need to carve the second turkey.
Niles: No fighting over drumsticks at this party.

Niles: Frasier, you're not famous anymore!
Frasier: WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Steven Rugley: Your - uh --
Frasier, thinking he means his belt: I know, it's a bit risky, people have been commenting on it all day. I know it makes a bold statement, but frankly, I like the attention. As a matter of fact, I went to the park on the way over. It caught the eye of many a young lady. (looks down and realizes his fly is undone) Omigod!
Steven Rugley: Well, shall we start the interview?
Frasier: Oh good, we haven't started yet.

Martin: What's wrong?
Daphne: Dr. Crane! Ever since he came back from his job interview, he's seemed awfully depressed. In fact he's as bad as I've ever seen him!
Niles: Oh, I guess it didn't go well.
Daphne: I gather not. He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's second symphony.
Niles: And you left him alone??

Frasier: Won't they go green with envy when I top them all with this story of my life: Frasier Crane, unattached, unemployed and living with his father. He spends his days scrubbing his oven and is anxiously awaiting his upcoming tooth cleaning.
Martin: Now, now, Frasier. Everyone has their ups and downs. You know, for all we know that cure for cancer didn't pan out either.

Martin: The big question is, do you still want me?
Niles: Don't be silly. I want you just as much now as I did then.

Martin: Niles, which wall should I hang my swordfish on?
Niles: None of them, I just had that room frescoed!

Frasier: "Bachelor pad," "lingerie model," the sweetest words in the English language.
Martin: Sorry I won't be there.
Frasier: Wait, we have a tie!

Niles: I can't let her leave. I just can't.
Martin: Well, there's nothing we can do about it.
Niles: I still have a day. I just have to be more resourceful.
Martin, scared and backing up: Like how?
Niles: It's my problem, not yours. Just have to think. Fresh air, maybe that'll calm me down. Oh, look at that sunset. Dad, come join me on the balcony.
(Martin runs off)

Martin: It's getting spooky over at Niles'!
Frasier: Yes, I now it's a little unsettling, the way he changes into that Chinese dressing gown after dinner, but you'll get used to it.

Niles: I'm being shut out. It's as if someone snuck into my world and changed all the locks.

Niles: Everyone who is anyone is seeing this play. And you know who you are if you aren't anyone? You're no one! And I've been someone much too long to start being no one now!

Niles: What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has an hour to learn how to smoke.

Daphne, catching Frasier reading her mail: You just wanted to find out if I was gossiping about you to my mum. Well, fine! I was. A 73 year old woman in Manchester is about to find out that you dye the grey out of your temples. There! You happy?
Frasier: No, I am not happy, I am mortified! ... How did you know that? I keep my hair dye in the false bottom of my cufflink box.
Daphne: Yeah, well... I'll let it go this time.

Sir Trevor: Tell me, as students of the human psyche, did my character ring true?
Frasier: Oh yes. So true.
Niles: I can honestly say I never saw a false moment.

Martin, after showing Daphne to a man in the next building: What do you mean, can I show you another one? What do you think I'm running here?

Frasier: Sometimes the best apology is just the truth.
Niles: You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's okay?
Frasier: Well, not that truth. Some other truth.

Frasier: Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am?

Daphne: This is wonderful! Well, as wonderful as the tragic ripping apart of two lovers once bound in a sacred union can be.

Roz: Omigod, you have two women?
Frasier: At least!
Roz: And you're juggling them? And you're getting jewelry?
Frasier: Why, is that so hard to believe?
Roz: Well, I guess since they cloned that sheep anything's possible.

Niles: Do you realize what this means?
Martin: Well, yeah. You're the one with the secret admirer.
Niles: And a pretty nice watch, too!

Nancy: I gave my secretary your number so she could call me about tomorrow morning's conference, in case I don't find my way home tonight.
Frasier: Just reverse the instructions I gave you earlier - Oh.

Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
Frasier: I won't be!

Niles: Dad, come quickly, I need your help.
Martin: Oh my! What is it?
Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.

Niles: My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
Frasier: Well, what do your lawyers tell you?
Niles: Well, mostly that my salary isn't even covering my legal bills.

Martin, on the intercom: Okay, I've found the aspirin but I'm lost again. I'm in a blue room with big rolls of paper.
Niles: That's the gift wrapping room. Look for the stairs.
Martin: The only stairs I can find go up!
Frasier: You have a third floor?
Niles: Practically a crawl space.

Martin: How do I get down? There's a bookcase blocking my way.
Niles: Well, the bookcase is a secret door, Dad.
Martin: How do I open it?
Niles: Just poke Mrs. Dalloway on the bottom.

Martin, returning from his trip into the bowels of Niles' apartment: Here you go, you can get your own glass of water.
Niles: This aspirin's expired.
Martin: It wasn't when I found it.

Niles: I threw it out. It smelled rancid.
Daphne: Well, that's how it's supposed to smell. It's English!

Martin on Niles: Last night I got up and went to the bathroom - when I came back he'd made my bed!

Niles: I'll never find anything in my price range. It's barely tolerable having a price range!

Frank: And we got a rec room too! And did you see the hot tub?
Niles: If you're referring to that six man petrie dish, yes. I think we're about finished here.
Frasier: Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment. Frank was kind enough to put on pants to bring us up here.

Frank: I think you'll see why the Shangri-la is so popular with bachelors like yourself.
Niles: I'd assumed it was that charming "No credit No problem" banner out front.
Frank: Here's your kitchen. All modern. Looks like the previous tenant left a four-slot toaster behind.
Frasier: Isn't that something, Niles! You can make yourself a club sandwich and still have a slice left over for guests!

Niles, looking at the ironing board: Are you sure that's not the guest room?

Niles: I don't want to adapt. I want to go home!
Frasier: Niles, you are home.
Niles: Well, where are my manners? Can I get you some toast?

Martin: You got him in the Shangri-la? That's where Duke stayed during his divorce. Oh, let me tell ya, that's my kind of place!
Frasier: What have I done?!

Martin: You know what they say - "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Niles: But Dad, not everyone makes it into the second group! And I've got the hula shirt to prove it!

Daphne: You dirty old man! Flirting with a girl her age!
Martin: Well, she was flirting right back, I saw her give me the once-over!
Daphne: Yeah - she looked once and it was over.

Martin: She reminds me of the girls I used to date back during the war.
Daphne: You mean Korea? Mr Crane, it's not dating when you're an occupying force!

Martin: Isn't that breaking and entering?
Niles: Oh pish, it can't be a crime if it's catered!

Martin's impression of the spa: I never felt so clean and so dirty at the same time.

Daphne: Six months ago, you borrowed forty dollars from me. We were at the wine shop, remember, you couldn't quite scrape together enough for a bottle of your precious Chateau Mr Fuzzypants, so I lent you the money. And have I said a peep about it since? No! I just sit here quietly, reusing my teabags while you trundle off to your private clubs, ordering gourmet this and imported that, "Are the cigars Cuban? Are the tulips Dutch? Oh good news, my personal shopper just found a dozen antique pudding plates!" Who has twelve people over for pudding?! So you gave poor Roz a bit of money - it hasn't changed your life, has it, you sherry-swilling fois gras-munching hypocrites!
Frasier: Daphne, I did repay you.
Daphne: What?
Frasier: I paid for that parking ticket. Fifty dollars as I recall. That means you owe me ten.
Daphne: Oh right. Well I'm glad you said something, it's not good to let these things fester. (she runs off)

Frasier: So where can I take you?
Woman he picked up in the rain: It's up to you. We can get a room, or we can do it here in the car.

Headline: Doc's pal is a mock gal.

Frasier: After the way you came to my rescue, I would be delighted to help you in any way I can. What is it you're looking to get for your daughter?
Helen: A date with a nice unattached doctor.

Niles: Ah yes, the ever valuable escape call.
Frasier: Oh, you've done them?
Niles, chuckling: Oh hoh hoh... No, but I've seen them done.

Frasier: Hello, how did you know it was me?
Faye: You had that horror-stricken look of someone who's met my mother.

Faye: I work at a little French restaurant in town, maybe you've heard of it, Le Cigar Volant?
Frasier: My God, it's one of my favourites! I had dinner there last Friday night!
Faye: Well, I worked there last Friday night. What did you have?
Frasier: The Grand Marinier souffle!
Faye: I made that!
Frasier: Well, it was poetry on a plate!
Faye: Thank you! You didn't happen to find my earring in it, did you? (at Frasier's expression) I'm kidding.

Faye: That was an escape call, wasn't it?
Frasier: No! What are you talking about?
Faye: C'mon, it's a blind date, you wanted a way to back out!
Frasier: You are sharp. How did you know?
(Faye's phone rings)

Frasier: I guess someone wanted to rack up a few more Frequent Frasier Points.
Niles: You don't ever actually say that to the women, do you?
Frasier: Oh no.

Helen: I guess you were Bar Mitzvahed here.
Frasier: Yes, yes I was. What a proud day that was. I can still remember ... reading from the Torah, before the ... Rabbi, the Canta... and the moyle--
Helen: The moyle?
Faye: The one who did your circumcision?
Frasier: Yes, yes, I just wanted to show him that there were no hard feelings.

Niles: What if she's expecting Jewish wine?
Frasier: Gosh, I'm afraid I don't have any of that on hand.
Niles: It's easy enough. It's just like regular wine plus a little bit of this... (He adds sugar to the wine) Try that.
Frasier: It's dreadful!
Niles: Perfect.

Helen: Such a beautiful bedroom!
Frasier: Well thank you, thank you very much.
Helen: I noticed you were sort of quiet, Faye, almost as if you'd been in there before.
Faye, sarcastically: Yeah, Ma, I have, but I was drunk and it was dark, I don't remember so much.

Frasier, seeing Niles in costume: Jesus!!

Niles: The man who is supposed to do the number from "Jesus Christ Superstar," he couldn't go on. He slipped in the shower - a man who could walk on water!

Frasier: You've got to get the hell out of here!
Niles: I don't think that kind of language is appropriate.

Helen to Niles: I understand this is your busy time.

Martin: They were hugging by now!
Frasier: We never should have tried this! We're not Jewish!

Roz: How's five sound?
Frasier: Five? Your mother's ready for dinner at five?
Roz: I keep her on Wisconsin time, that way she's in bed by eight.

Martin: The chef sent it over with his compliments.
Frasier: I wonder what his insults are like.

Bonnie: You must be Frasier, the big radio star. Your dad is so proud of you, he talks about you all the time. (Turning to Niles) Who's your friend?
Martin: Now what's wrong with you? I told you 'bout my other son.
Bonnie: Of course! What am I thinking? Nice to meet you, Eddie.

Martin: The Coyote?
Frasier: And how did you earn that honourific?
Niles: It was quite the merry ride. It evolved from Niles to Nilesey to Niley to Nile E. Coyote, and now simply The Coyote.
Shangri-La pals: Aaaaoooooo!
Niles: Just when I thought it couldn't be refined any further.

Martin: Look Frasier, I know you meant well, but if you ever set me up again, I'll kill you in your sleep.

Niles: This is a nightmare!
Frasier: I know, I know - I've got to find some way to tell Dad.
Niles: I have to watch the Superbowl??

Frasier: Dad would never deliberately hurt Joanna by standing her up. He is first and foremost a gentleman.
Martin, entering: I saw Roz so I hid outside in case that old gas bag of a mother was with her. Well, I guess she wasn't, everybody's still awake!

Niles: Oh, the Superbowl AND a date? Hot diggity!

Niles on Bonnie's food: Oh, isn't that interesting! Something formerly ham!

Joanna: I'm sure your father meant "big snooze" in its most flattering sense.

Roz: What, you mean like in forty years, if neither one of us finds someone--
Frasier: Exactly, we'll marry each other.
Roz: I was gonna say kill each other.
Frasier: Well, six of one...

Niles: If it's raucous you're looking for, we could go and get a nightcap at the piano bar at the Mayflower Hotel - it's Jerome Kern night! Last time people were shouting out requests without raising their hands!

Woody: You're from England, right?
Daphne: Manchester.
Woody: Darn! I'm usually pretty good at that.

Woody: My cousin's getting married.
Frasier: Really?
Niles: Which is your cousin, the bride or the groom?
Woody: Actually, both are.
Niles: I assume they're kissing cousins?
Woody: They're doing a lot more than that! That's why they have to get married!

Niles: It'll be fun to drink some beer and have some pizza with a couple of rapscallions.
Woody: Oh hey, if you don't mind, could we make that half rapscallions, half pepperoni?

Frasier: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to feign interest in the same old stories over and over again?
Niles: And you call yourself a psychiatrist?

Frasier: Oh dear God. Quick, hide your face with your menu. Woody's over there. If he sees us he'll know I lied.
Niles: When did you lie?
Frasier: I told him I was going out of town.
Niles: No you didn't, he told you he was going out of town.
Frasier: That's right. He lied. He should be hiding.

Woody: No hablo ingles.
Frasier: I don't understand this.
Woody: It means I don't speak English.

Frasier: I'm in Cassandra's hotel room. She invited me up here after dinner. I'm just not sure what it means.
Roz: What it means? What it means is that even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.

Martin: Well, you take a look at the menu and I'll check your coat.
Daphne: Oh, no need for that. So, what looks good to you?
Martin: The coat-check girl. Gimme your coat.

Daphne: Look around you. Nothing but couples in love. It's never gonna be me. I'm just going to end up a dried-up old maid in a quilted bathrobe with a smelly deaf cat on my lap!
Martin: But, I thought you said you were okay with that.
Daphne: What?!

Daphne: You know it's funny when I think about the two of us. I mean, sure, we have our little fights, but for the most part we get along so well together. And when I think of how I enjoy looking after you, and how you always seem to miss me when I've been gone for too long, well it's sort of like you're my...
Martin: What?
Daphne: No, it might sound funny to say this...
Martin: No, come on, that's all right, you can say it.
Daphne: All right. Well, it's sort of like you're my pet.

Frasier on Donny's office: Well the office seems nice enough. Might have overdone it on the plants a little.
Niles: Yes, it's excess like this that's destroying the plastic rainforest. Oh, University of Las Vegas! No problems finding tassels for those mortar boards!

Frasier: Niles, you've got to hear this man out. I'm sorry, this is exactly what you want in a lawyer: someone who's not afraid to show a little moxy.
Niles: Oh, he's an inch away from showing us the full moxy.

Donny: Yeah, we're talking big numbers here, Whalen! You haven't seen so many zeroes lined up since Mr. Spock had a book signing!

Frasier, seeing Donny in action: My goodness, it almost makes me wish I was still married to Lilith!

Donny: Look, Frasier, they might ask you if you witnessed any examples of Niles throwing money around; and your answer would be...?
Frasier: Yes.
Donny: No, no, no, the answer is, "Not to the best of my recollection"!!
Frasier: But I do recall! And I'll be under oath!
Donny: Oh please, not this again!
Niles: As you've probably figured out, Frasier is a bit of a stickler when it comes to his ethics and frankly I applaud him.
Donny: Oh great!

Donny: Oh, now they're claiming "alienation of affection."
Martin: You're kidding me! After what she did?
Donny: Believe it or not, now they're saying that during the marriage Niles was in love with another woman.
Daphne: Who?
Donny: Oh, you.
Daphne: Me?!
Niles: Dear God!
Daphne: That's absurd, have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?!
Frasier: Not to the best of my recollection.

Martin: Niles, you'll be all right. Just take a couple of deep breaths.
Niles: If I could take deep breaths it would mean I could breathe!

Frasier: Niles, please, come out here, come on.
Niles, from under the piano: Why should I? There's nothing for me out there. It's all lawyers and ex-wives and broken hearts. All I have to contend with under here is a couple of dustbunnies, some cobwebs, some kind of a nest. Dear God, doesn't your vacuum come with any attachments?

Donny, smelling Daphne's hair: That scent is wonderful, what is it?
Niles, turning away, quietly to himself: Cherry bark and almonds.

Martin: Maybe you and Niles can cheer each other up.
Niles: Dad!
Roz: Why, what's his problem?
Martin: Oh, Daphne's got a new boyfriend and it's eating him up.
Niles: DAD!!
Roz: What? You've got a thing for Daphne?
Martin: You didn't know that after all these years?
Roz: No! I can't believe Daphne never told me!
Martin: Well, how could she, she doesn't know either!
Roz: You're kidding!
Niles: Yes! Yes, he's a great kidder! Now you, Dad, run along and you be very careful crossing streets!
Martin: Six years, can you believe it? Some people just don't know when it's time to pull the plug!
Niles: Well, I won't make that mistake twice!

Roz: She hasn't slept with him?
Niles: She's English.

Niles: Didn't you urge me to make a fresh start?
Frasier: True but I gotta tell you Niles, Roz isn't the freshest start you could make!

Niles: What about the eleventh?
Frasier: No. Concert tickets.
Niles: Funny, I don't have that marked.
Frasier: That's because I'm taking a date.
Niles: Oh, isn't that nice. (writing) Eleventh, "expect desperate last-minute call from F."

Frasier: We never question the black ball, we just bow to its will!

Frasier: That leaves us short by one. We're going to need a single female.
(Roz enters)
Niles: Roz, perfect timing.
Roz: What's up?
Niles: We're having a dinner party. We need an interesting single woman. Do you know anybody? We're desperate.
(Roz looks insulted and walks off)

Mrs Wolpord: We just got invited to a dinner party at Dr Crane's.
Mr Wolpord: Which Dr Crane?
Mrs Wolpord: Does it matter? You get the one, you get that other one. Personally I think the whole arrangement is a little--
Mr Wolpord: Is that thing off the hook?
Mrs Wolpord: What? Oh my God.

Frasier: Oh you are so that other one!!

Martin: No, you're not odd. You're just special. Your mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it.

Niles: I still have one black ball left.
Frasier: At this point I don't think one is going to make any difference.
Niles: It will to me, I'm using it on myself. Black ball!

Niles: ... the way Donny was feeding her forkfuls of risotto as if she'd lost her arms instead of her mind what is she doing with him??
Martin: Well, some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
Niles: Well, at the Shangri-La, the highlight of my day is getting out of bed, so I can slam it back into the wall!

Dr McLowrie: I figured if I didn't dance I'd go crazy.
Niles: I'm not sure he caught it in time.

Alfred: What do you call that?
Frasier: I believe that was "Lick it and Stick it"!

Frasier: There may be a few women here who are unattached, who just might take a shine to an old debonair dog like yourself.
Martin: I'm just a piece of meat to you guys, aren't I.

Mr Probst: Did the local people actually enjoy your lectures?
Niles: Well yes, quite a bit, except of course for the pygmies, most of it went right over their heads. (No one laughs. The doorbell rings.) I'll get it.

Mrs Latimer: While you were on the sub-continent, did you happen to spot any rare African waterfoul?
Niles: Just one, but it was already spotted! (No one laughs. Niles pretends the doorbell rang in the kitchen) I'll get it.

Roz: Do you see that obnoxious old letcher?
Niles: Well, you're going to have to be a lot more specific.

Niles: Which one did she eat?
Frasier: I don't know. Daphne, smell her beak!

Daphne: You're much better off using - this bread. It's more absorbent.
Mrs Larkin: Really?
Daphne: Yes, that's why they call it "Nature's Sponge."

Frasier: We're in luck. This intrepid little crab puff has survived. Now all I need is a very sharp knife and sixteen toothpicks.

Mrs Latimer: Oh there you are, Martin, come with me. I know a little nook where no one will find us!
Martin: This game's a lot scarier than I thought. (Runs in the opposite direction)

Niles: Dead? No no no, he's sleeping! Old people love to nap!

Mrs Latimer: Martin did kill me, and he's got a lot to learn about playing gently.

Frasier: Don't you remember the time you lost your bicycle, she [Mom] actually took mine away and gave it to you.
Niles: That was for your own good! No eight-year-old should be riding a tricycle!

Martin: Oh yeah, your mother and I saved all that stuff - report cards, finger paintings, poems. It's in an old Ballantine box in my closet.
Frasier: Oh Dad, why don't you just admit it, you're more of a sentimentalist than you let on!
Martin: Yeah, I guess I am. That was the first case of beer your mother and I ever bought together.

Martin: Your mother always knew just what to say to cheer me up. "So what if the trophy says Baking instead of Baseball, Marty? Catcher's mitts or oven mitts, they're our little champions."

Niles: Congratulations Frasier, 129.
Martin: Is that good?
Niles: Good? It's practically genius. Bravo Frasier.
Frasier: That's enough Niles, now, where are you? Higher or lower?
Niles: I haven't seen mine yet... I am... Higher.
Frasier: Well, congratulations. I doff my hat to you, Mr 131.
Niles, with a gleeful smile: Higher.
Frasier: What do you mean, higher? Mom told us we were two points apart.
Niles: Well, apparently, Mom was being tactful.
Frasier: How tactful?
Niles: Well...

Niles: Did you sleep all right last night?
Frasier: Like a baby.
Niles: Like a baby with library privileges!

Frasier: Niles, why don't you just go home and go to bed?
Niles: Well, that is exactly what you'd like for me to be happening!
Frasier: What did you just say?
Niles: Well, if you didn't repeat it the first time, I'm not gonna listen to it!

Niles: I'm never leaving while you're still not leaving!

Niles: Well, who's hallucinationing now?

Frasier: $9000 doesn't buy the leisurely lunch it used to.
Niles: Wait a minute, I thought it was $8000.
Frasier: No, you knocked over the aquarium on your way out. Whenever I feel envious about your IQ again, I'll just conjure up an image of you sprawled out on a bed of live coy, weeping and desperately trying to revive that little plastic diver.

Nora: I should have known you two were brothers. The same superb fashion sense, the same refined yet masculine good looks. You must be so proud of your kid brother, the radio star.
Niles: Well, yes. Congratulations on your new job, I hope you'll be very happy at KACL.
Nora: Isn't that a bit premature?
Niles: Oh, well, let's just say I know my little brother.

Caller Jenny: Hi, Dr. Nora. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about two years--
Nora: Are you having sex?
Jenny: Our sex life's not the problem, it's great. But whenever I mention marriage he changes the subject. Do you think that he's afraid of commitment?
Nora: No, that's not it. Let me help you see this from a different perspective. You're a whore, Jenny.
Jenny: Huh? A whore??
Nora: You're sleeping with a man you're not married to. In my book, that's a whore.
Jenny: I'm not a whore! I'm a flight attendant!
Nora: Oh, you think there's no overlap?
Roz, watching: Well, she's got her jitters under control!
Nora: Wake up, Jenny, you've blown it! Dump this creep! Find a new guy, and until you're Mrs. New Guy you keep those knees together, okay? Staple them! I don't care if you have to hop to the altar!

Daphne: Hold still, though, there's something on your lip. Oh, wait, it's some sort of hair!
Niles: Actually, it's a mustache.
Daphne: Oh yes, so it is. Still a bit on the wispy side. Puts me in mind of my Grammy Moon. Or rather it will, once it's grown in a bit.

Frasier: This is a woman who believes the Spanish Inquisition was just tough love for heretics!

Frasier: I have just one question--
Roz, storming in: What kind of vicious, judgmental, name-calling, machete-mouthed bitch are you???
Frasier: I was going for the less fiesty version.

Roz: This isn't over between us. If you want, I'll take this out on the street.
Nora: That would hardly be fair. You'd have the home field advantage.

Frasier: Just how were you helping that poor, confused bisexual woman by calling her an "equal-opportunity slut?"

Nora: You won't admit that, like most men, you leave all major decisions to your penis. Fortunately for Seattle, your penis chose right. It just didn't know why.

Frasier: Well, I see through the glass that Dr. Nora either disagrees with me or has just eaten a bad clam.

Nora: I will undermine you every chance I get, because you, Dr. Crane, are a dangerous man!
Frasier: I'm dangerous?
Nora: Yes. Seattle's Great Enabler. You tell tramps and fornicators that their problem is low self-esteem. They should have low self-esteem. They're going to hell!

Roz: Her doctorate is in Physical Education!
Frasier: She's a gym teacher!!
Niles: Wouldn't want to be the chubby kid in that gym class.

Roz, watching Nora and her mother: I was wrong, Frasier! Your way is better!

Frasier: You remember that woman I went out with on Valentines Day but I wasn't quite sure if it was a romantic thing?
Martin: Yeah, that new publicity woman at the station.
Frasier: Yes, Cassandra Stone, well I asked her out again last night and I got my answer.
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry Fras.
Frasier: No, I'm not finished!
Martin: That's the spirit. You hang in there!
Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, someone once said that long periods of abstinence can actually refresh the soul.
Cassandra, entering: Good morning, everyone.
Frasier: Yes, well, that someone was me and I was full of it!

Niles: I must warn you I may be unbeatable today. Our squash pro, Atabio, taught me a back hand slice that could scrape the bristles off a kiwi fruit.
Frasier: Niles, I'm afraid we may have reschedule today, you see, I had a date last night.
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry! Hey, but there's no sense moping around. A brisk game of squash would be the best thing for you - I can't think of a better way to lift your spirits.
Cassandra: Good morning.
Frasier: Keep thinking.

Roz to Frasier: You were so much easier to be around when you were horny and pathetic.

Frasier: This is a disaster!
Niles: What is?
Faye, entering: Hi, Niles.
Niles: Oh, I'm up to speed.

Niles: Got anymore hiding in the grotto, Heff?
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, I'm just not up to this sort of thing. What made me think I could juggle?
Martin: I sure as hell don't know - you couldn't catch a balloon until you were ten.

Niles, seeing that squash will be cancelled again: Oh forget it!

Frasier: You know, Cassandra's a wonderful woman, but Faye and I have a deeper connection and to be fair, actually, she was the first to plant her flag on "Terra Frasier."
Niles: I'm starting to think Napoleon had a Frasier complex.

Martin: Who do I see buying an engagement ring but Donny, as in Daphne and Donny!
Frasier: Donny? Are you sure?
Martin: Yeah, engagement rings is Tina's counter - we use a zoom lens on her.
Frasier: Dad, I'm shocked!
Martin: Oh no, it's just innocent fun. She only dresses that way because she knows we're looking at her!

Martin: It's none of our business. We do not tell Niles, and we definitely do not tell Daphne.
Daphne: Tell Daphne what?
Martin: Nothing.
Daphne: It's bad news, isn't it?
Martin: No, it's not bad news!
Daphne, beginning to panic: Is it about my mom? Did they find something during her physical? They did, didn't they? Oh, I have to call her!
Frasier: Daphne, no, no no! There is absolutely no news!
Martin: And even if there were, it's not up to us to tell you about it.
Daphne: Well, who should tell me then? The head surgeon? The family minister?
Frasier and Martin: No!!
Daphne: The mortician? Oh, I've got to pack!! I hope I'm not too late!!

Frasier: He'll be all right, Dad. Niles is a lot stronger than we give him credit for. (His phone rings) Hello? Hold the elevator, I'll be right there.
(He hangs up and heads towards the door. The phone rings again.)
Martin, answering it: Hang in there son, he's on his way.
(Frasier goes out and we see Niles slumped by the elevator.)

Frasier: Niles, the fact is you don't know what causes these visions and yet you still advised her to walk away from a wonderful relationship. It doesn't make you much of a psychiatrist.
Niles: That's your opinion.
Frasier: Yes, well, here's a second opinion. It doesn't make you much of a friend.

Daphne: That'll be Donny. Could one of you get the door? (Everyone stands there staring at her) Well, you've seen me do it enough times - you just turn the handle and PULL!!

Donny: You know, I've been thinking about that time we went to that little bed and breakfast in the country, and we sat in that porch swing all night, and looked at the sky. And you told me that your dad and you used to sit on your stoop and do the same thing when you were a kid. (Daphne nods) He said that the only man good enough for you would scoop the stars out of the sky with his hat and lay them at your feet. Well, I've, uh, I've only caught this one so far, but if you accept it, I'll spend my life chasing down the rest of them.

Frasier: Daphne, why are you wearing that rubber glove?
Daphne: What, this? I was, um... doing the dishes.
Frasier: With just one?
Daphne: It's the English way. You wash with the left, dry with the right. Started during the war, I think, when rubber was rationed.

Frasier: You know, Daphne, if that ring never turns up, that chicken works, too. Just see how it catches the light.

Martin, answering Niles' phone: Hello?
Frasier: Yes, hello, is Niles Crane there, please?
Martin: I don't know, I just got here. Let me go check.
(He goes into the kitchen)
Martin: Frasier, have you seen Niles?
Frasier: I'm just trying to reach him, Dad.
Martin: Oh.
Martin, going back to the living room and picking up the cell phone: No, I'm sorry, he's not here, but I'll write your name down and give it to him. Wait a minute, I've gotta find a pen. (He goes back into the kitchen) Frasier, have you seen my--
Frasier: Dad, please, I'm on the phone!
Martin: Well, I'm sorry, I was just looking for a pen! Forget it. (he goes back to the living room and the cell phone) Hello? Listen, could you maybe call back in an hour?
Frasier: Dad?
Martin, mimicking: Would you mind, please? I'm on the phone!

Frasier: This is not about what you or I want, this is about what Niles needs! For God's sakes, the man is devastated, he's vulnerable! We need to rally around him and show him our support.
Martin: Well, why didn't we just do this on Sunday?
Frasier: We had our girlfriends over!

Frasier on Niles: He doesn't pick up phones these days, just waitresses.

Frasier: I was just undressing to take my bath. I sat on the edge of the tub and landed on this.
Daphne: Oh my God, you found my ring! I'd given up, I thought it was someplace I'd never find it!
Frasier: It very nearly was.

Frasier: Can you imagine what conclusions Faye might have jumped to had she found this engagement ring in my room?
Faye, entering and spotting the ring: Oh, Frasier, for me? I had no idea!
Frasier, bewildered: Well, actually, uh...
Faye: It's beautiful! It's so beautiful! Yes, Frasier, I do! I do! Oh, calm down, you big dope. I know it's Daphne's ring. And I can't tell you how flattered I am by those beads of sweat on your forehead.

Frasier: I was just wondering, what was your ring doing on the edge of my jacuzzi tub, right next to my favorite scented candle which was burned down to the wick?
Daphne: I'm going to let my attorney handle this one.
Donny: I'm sorry, Frasier. I guess after a little champagne we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. So don't worry, we'll replace the candle.
Frasier: You could replace the image. Next time, if you don't mind, will you just turn down the temperature a little?
Donny: Actually, we tried, but the knob was stuck.
Bonnie: Yeah, it does that. You gotta jiggle it a little.
Martin: Don't worry, it's not what you think. We used it to give Eddie a bath.

Niles on Euro-Disney: Apparently it is so lame, it's cool.

Niles: Man, you are such a buzz kill.

Niles: Frasier, she's killing me. I'm just not cut out for this lifestyle. Between seeing myself in a mirror at the club dancing my modified Charleston, and then catching my reflection in the store window this morning as I rollerbladed past in spandex, I feel like I'm being stalked by some pathetic middle-aged ghoul.

Kit: Oh my God! You just dumped me? Right here where I work in front of everyone I wait on?
Niles: That's okay, we'll go outside.
Kit: Give me an answer!
Niles: Kit, Kit, calm down--
Kit: You're tired of me? Is that what it is?
Niles: It's all right--
Kit: You've had enough of me? I gave you everything and you used me! Sex, sex, sex! The way you come to bed every night - wanting it, begging for it!
Niles: I never had to beg -
Kit: I'm just a whore to you, aren't I?
Niles: No, don't say that!
Kit: That's all I am - your whore! Your whore from the cafe!

Niles: It's really more of a compatability thing. I'm recently divorced and I've been under a lot of strain. It's been very painful for everyone.
Frasier: Niles, they're strangers.

Frasier: I don't know what's wrong with me. I seem incapable of maintaining a relationship. I date a nice girl like Faye, things seem to be working out, and I seem to find a way to blow it. It seems to be the pattern of my life. Well, except with Lilith. She was just nuts.
Niles: At least you take your time. I don't date, I leap. Head first. More often than not I get my heart broken - by Maris... By Daphne, even if she didn't know it. At least Kit only broke my box spring.

Move onward and upward to season seven!