The Dish Ran Away with the Spoon
Niles: Here we are: the end of the driveway. Which way shall we go?Daphne: Well, to the right is Seattle, and to the left, I guess, is Canada.
Niles: Any thoughts?
Daphne: Well, what's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives, an ex-fiancee, a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
Niles: Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class dining.
Daphne: Then there's Canada: a fresh start, a chance for adventure.
Niles: Grizzly bears.
Daphne: Poor Donny. I've never seen him so upset. I just wish I'd broken the news to him in a carpeted room instead of the rock garden.
Donny: Oh, that's right, you haven't met my little friend. You remember him? From the top of the wedding cake? I call him "Mr. Chump." Say hello to Mr. Chump.
Frasier: Good lord! Look at him, overacting. Trying to convince everyone he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
Martin: How about you and Lilith?
Frasier: It was a rhetorical question!
Frasier's toast: Love is an awesome force. It can make us do things we never imagined possible. For you see, we don't actually choose love, it chooses us. And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about it. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in toasting my brother and the love of his life. For she is truly the woman of his dreams, and my father and I could not be more thrilled with his choice. To the happy couple!
Niles: You know, if you look at it from Mel's point of view, it really does make a lot of sense.
(Daphne looks at him.)
Frasier: He came so close.
Daphne: What did you say?
Niles: I said, "Damn that Mel!"
Frasier: Have you been listening to me?
Martin: Well, I tried not to, but some of it still got through.
Niles: I don't like pigeons, they have no respect for public art.
The Bad Son
Frasier taking a bus: I am not completely lacking in street smarts. (to the driver) Good day, busman. The northwest corner of Highland and 1st, please.Frasier on Miranda: My goodness-who would have thought that such a rare butterfly could exist in this tin cocoon?
Roz: Hey, for your information, plenty of refined, sophisticated women ride the bus every - (yelling at the bus driver) Open your eyes, nimrod, that was my stop!
Niles: Well then, what are you waiting for? Seize the day! You think I got together with Daphne by just sitting around? Take a chapter from my book.
Frasier: Exactly what chapter would that be?
Niles: The last chapter.
Martin: You could have told me we were stopping here when we left for the game.
Frasier: If you'd known that, you never would have agreed to come.
Martin: Well, you didn't have to trick me. I mean, I would never do anything like that to you.
Frasier: It seems someone is forgetting sending Niles and me off to Boy Scout Camp to earn our "Opera Badges"!
Martin: I'm just here to do a favour for my son. We're on our way over to the ballgame.
Lee: Uh-huh. They told me I was going to the Space Needle.
Frasier: I do have, uh, one more question, um ... do you think it'd be possible to have dinner sometime?
Miranda: Oh, sure. Come by with your father around five tomorrow and I'll set you up at the cafeteria. I should warn you tomorrow's steak night, so be prepared to throw a few elbows, and you just asked me out on a date, didn't you?
Frasier: Yes, but that was before I knew it was steak night.
Daphne: Well, what have we got in here, then?
Niles: Well, we have the finest champagne, and beluga caviar ... oh, and broken bits of pottery.
Daphne: That's peanut brittle.
Daphne: How are you holding up? Is that spider still around?
Niles: Oh, I think he's realized he's more afraid of me than I am of him ... He's not in his corner! He's not in his corner! Oh, there it is, found him.
The Great Crane Robbery
Niles: Daphne, I know it's difficult. But once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want. Paris ... Florence ... Rio ...Daphne: How about my room to fold laundry?
Niles: I hear it's lovely this time of year.
Todd: I've spent my whole life in front of a computer. I don't know Beethoven from ... Beethoven's the only one I know!
Mel: Niles, you have been behaving like a perfect gentlemen all night, now cut it out! And do something offensive!
Niles: I don't know at which table you've been sitting! Did you not just see me unapologetically take the last roll?
Taking Liberties
Frasier: Oh, your father also butled?Ferguson: Oh yes, sir. Even my father's father was a gentleman's gentleman.
Niles: You know the old caution: "Champagne after sherry makes tummy grow wary."
Frasier: Niles, what if somebody sees you and reports
back to Mel?
Niles: Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at my apartment! Not only that, she's going in my car, in my backseat, under a pile of my coats and blankets!
Niles: It's true: we're free! No more hiding! Where do you want to go? Dinner? Dancing? London? Paris?
Daphne: Why don't we go for a walk?
Niles: Even better.
Legal Tender Love and Care
Frasier: I have every confidence in Abby and her litigious prowess.Daphne: Yes, we've all seen you admiring her prowess.
Niles, watching Frasier flirt with Abby: Do I sound like that?
Daphne: Yeah, but it's cute when you do it.
Frasier: She took me miniature golfing last night.
Martin: Oh sure. When she takes you it's playful, when I take you it ends up as a story in the high school literary magazine.
Abby: And by the way, dinner is on me, or rather, the firm.
Frasier: Oh, no, no. I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
Martin: Don't worry, you are.
Abby: You sent me another one of those naughty e-mails, haven't you? Maybe we should act this one out!
Frasier: No, no! Actually, I just forwarded you an ad for reduced mortgage rates.
Abby: Why are you blushing, Frasier?
Frasier: Because they're embarrassingly low.
Abby: And to think that I almost slept with you!
Frasier: You still can...
The New Friend
Luke: You know anything about boats?Frasier: Well actually, on my show I sometimes compare the human psyche to a sailboat that's borne along the surface of the conscious mind, while the deeper waters of the subconscious navigate the rudder.
Luke: So I guess the answer would be "no."
Frasier: Yes.
Frasier: It's refreshing, really - usually I'm the cool friend.
Frasier, getting caught in Luke's closet: You've got a lot of explaining to do!
Mary Christmas
Mary: This float comes to us as a gift from Seattle's sister city, Monogua, Nicaragua. You know, I like the way that sounds. Monogua Nicaragua. It sounds like the name of a fine Latino man! Would you like to dance, Dr. Mary? Yes, I would, Monogua Nicaragua!Frasier's Edge
Frasier: When I was a boy, my parents told me to reach for the stars. Sadly, I later learned that stars are just massive fiery balls of gas, which, were I to reach one, would vaporize me instantly.Roz on Daphne: Maybe she's depressed. That's when I eat. Did you say anything to her?
Martin: Nope. Timing's very delicate in something like this, Roz. I figured I'd wait until after she's too big to catch me but before she needs the motorized scooter.
Frasier, receiving the life-time acheivement award: Thank you for honoring my life. Just wish I knew what to do with the rest of it.
Cranes Unplugged
Martin: It's perfectly normal. You're his dad. Kids that age don't want to talk to their dad.Frasier: I never stopped talking to you.
Martin, sadly: I know, buddy.
Daphne: I mean, what could be sadder than growing old alone? ... I wasn't talking about you, Dr. Crane. You've got your father to grow old with.
Daphne: You always smell so masculine after you've finished exercising.
Niles: It's the mango-kiwi shower gel.
Martin: You know, none of this would be happening if we had a TV. TV makes everyone get along.
Motor Skills
Niles: Feels good to be back in class again, doesn't it?Frasier: It's fantastic. You know, I'm almost jealous of whoever gets to sit here during the day and make learning his full-time occupation.
Niles: Well, judging from the carving on your desk, it looks like his name is "Ozzy."
Frasier: Yes, and apparently he "rules."
Frasier: On behalf of the class, I would like to say that I feel that we're all a bit anxious. But with Randy as our driver, and desire as our gasoline, we will complete this journey together. To paraphrase a famous little engine, "I think we can."
Randy: Remember, spark plugs come out with a simple twist and pull. Twist and pull. Give it a try. ... Okay, that's called stripping it.
Niles: Good job, Frasier! Here, let me strip one.
Randy: No, no, stripping it means breaking it. Watch me.
Frasier: So you twist, and then pull. You see, I was twisting and pulling simultaneously, as per your instructions, "twist and pull."
Niles: In the future, the phrase "twist, then pull" might help.
Randy: I've got a feeling you guys are gonna be my special project.
Randy: Is that a funny note there? I enjoy funny things. Why don't I share it with the class? (He reads the note.) Does anybody here read French?
Frasier: Oh ho, we're in trouble now.
Niles: We're not in trouble, we are trouble.
The Show Must go Off
Frasier, to a man dressed as a Klingon: You are a fierce but helpful people.Frasier: You mean Jackson Hedley was on a television show?
Dwayne: What, are you kidding? He's Tobor, the ship's android! Where've you been, man?
Frasier: I don't know. Reading, attending the theater... getting haircuts...
Jackson Hedley: Ohhhhhh, I die, Horatio! (a heaving breath) The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit! (heave!) I cannot live to hear the news from England, But I do prophesy the election lights On Fortinbras; (heave!) he has my dying voice. The rest is ... silence! (heave!) ... You boys were right! It's as if I never left!
Sliding Frasiers
Roz: What's a speed date?Frasier: Well, apparently it's the latest thing. Twelve men and twelve women get together in a room. They spend eight minutes talking to one other and then move on to the next person after a bell rings. Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.
Niles: I'm whisking her to the airport in a limo filled with exotic orchids. You don't think that's a too over the top, do you?
Roz: No, I think that boat sailed with your t-shirt.
(Niles is wearing a T-shirt with a heart-shaped picture of him and Daphne.)
Judy: Hey, have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated "Aarrhh!"
Frasier: Yes, that's very droll.
Judy: Get it? Aarrhh!
Frasier: Yes, I do.
Judy: That's sort of my test joke, you know, to see if a guy's cool or not? Can you believe it, you're the first guy here who laughed? I mean, can't you just see it, a pirate walks into a movie theater, he's got his eye patch and his peg leg and... Boy, that did not feel like eight minutes.
Frasier: Indeed it did not.
Martin on Frasier: It breaks my heart to see him like this. Fortunately, I can't see him from McGinty's.
Frasier meets his blind date only to find out it's...
Judy: Oh, my God! Aarrhh!
Frasier: Aarrhh!
Judy: Aarrhh!
Frasier: Okay.
Roz: Wow, looks like you two already know each other. You even have your own language.
Hungry Heart
Janice: He didn't tell me he was married!Kenny's wife: Why am I not surprised?
Janice: Well, I am so sorry. Oh, now you must have heard my message on your answering machine.
Kenny's wife: Yeah. And for your information, Kenny's eyes are brown, not "hazelicious"!
Daphne: That sure was a snooty restaurant. The waitress's eyebrows nearly hit the ceiling when I asked for a doggy bag.
Niles: I don't know what their problem was, the people at the next table barely touched this pork chop.
Niles: Daphne? Is there something you want to tell me?
Daphne: I love you?
Niles: Anything else?
Daphne: I love chocolate. And pastries and, oh God, I can't stop eating. I'm out of control.
Niles: Come here, come here, it's all right my love. We're going to get you through this.
Frasier: Of course we will, Daph. You know, there are professionals who can help.
Martin: Yeah, they can wire your jaw shut, staple your stomach, put a balloon in your gut...
Frasier: Thank you, Dad! I was referring to something more like a spa, all right? Although you might look into that jaw thing!
Hooping Cranes
Roz: You should take your dad and have a boys' night out.Frasier: Well, actually Niles and I are already having a boys' night out. We're gonna go see the Northwest Chamber Ensemble's Spring Sing. After that, a late dinner at Le Cigare Volant!
Roz: Ooh, throw in a couple of strippers and that still sounds boring.
Niles at a basketball game: It's like those family road trips Dad used to drag us on. Uncomfortable seats, sticky floors, underlying threat of violence.
Frasier and Niles, bored at the basketball game:
Frasier: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "V."
Niles: Vagabond.
Frasier: No.
Niles: Vittles.
Frasier: No.
Niles: Vienna sausages.
Frasier: Where do you see Vienna sausages?
Niles: Well, I thought maybe that vendor might - oh, oh! Vendor, vendor!
Frasier: The story is, "Once upon a time, Niles Crane accidentally made a basket, the end!"
Docudrama
Frasier: Roz, sounds like your show could be a portal from which we can glimpse the promise of the future - a promise linked by a billion stars. God speed, Roz Doyle.Roz: You wouldn't by any chance be hoping to narrate this, would you?
Frasier: Me?
Martin: Hey Niles, just in time for chili! It's my best batch all week.
Niles: Do you ever miss vegetables?
Martin: For your information, College, the bean is a vegetable.
Frasier: I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
Roz: Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
Frasier: Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show."
Roz: Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
Frasier: Well then, "the show" can BITE ME!
Roz: I've already replaced you.
Frasier: Oh, Roz. You've gone with an "also-ran." Who is it?
Roz: John Glenn.
Frasier: The astronaut?
Roz: Yes.
Frasier: The senator?
Roz: Yes. The John Glenn, American hero.
Frasier: So I take it there was nobody available with any previous radio experience.
Frasier on Roz: Every time I offer her an olive branch, she snaps it in two, sets it on fire, and writes "No" with the ashes!
It Takes Two to Tangle
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Dad, it's just that I'm a little shocked.Martin: Actually, I think that's pronounced, "Sorry, Dad, I'm a condescending jackass."
Martin, dating two women at once, to Frasier: Oh, don't worry. I've watched you juggle. I got a pretty good handle on what not to do.
Forgotten but not Gone
Niles: And now, as outgoing Corkmaster it is my privilege to bestow the sash of office upon the newly-elected Corkmaster... which would be me! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. It humbles me, and I only hope to live up to the shining example of my predecessor.Daphne Returns
Niles: Speaking of Daphne, I was hoping you could spare her this Friday. I'm planning on taking her for a weekend getaway, where I think we may be taking our relationship to the next level.Frasier: Oh my God, Niles! You're going to propose?
Niles: No, not that level, the level before that.
Frasier: You're going to ask her to move in with you?
Niles: One more level before that.
Frasier: Well, you're already dating...
Niles: No, that's two levels.
Daphne: It was cute when I came out of the spa and you pretended you couldn't see me.
Niles: Who said that? Who's in my car?
Niles: Help me understand why is everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty is loving Daphne, and that's all I've ever done.
Frasier: Yes. Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were never in love with her, you were in love at her. Now, you've been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship, and yet for some reason, you're resisting it. Rather than see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the memory.
Niles: No, that's not true.
Frasier: Niles, the woman gained sixty pounds, and everyone in the world saw it but you. All you ever saw was a perfect woman in a red dress.
Niles: You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I imagined it.
The Wizard and Roz
Frasier: Is there anything I can get you, Niles? Perhaps a cold pack?Niles: No, no. If Daphne ever comes out of her room, I'll just use her icy stare.
Niles: Oh, I understand. You don't want to see the wizard behind the curtain. Everyone needs an idol, someone who represents a higher plateau of truth and knowledge.
Frasier: Very insightful, Niles. For so many years I must have represented that plateau to you.
Niles: Thank you, Frasier, laughter is indeed the best medicine.
Dr Tewksbury, coming out of Roz's bedroom, chanting: Pizza! We're gonna have pizza! We... Frasier! Hello. What are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, just, uh...wearing clothes.
Frasier: I've gone blind. And ten seconds too late.
Semi-Decent Proposal
Claire: Frasier, I wanted to ask you something. Saturday night, are you free?Frasier: Only with a coupon.
Lana: Okay, Okay, Frasier, you know what, just because I'm vulnerable doesn't mean you're getting some!
Frasier: No! Listen! Fifty of your friends are sitting in Bella Luchia right now, wearing party hats and waiting to yell, "Surprise!" Do you want to go or not?
Lana: My friends are throwing me a surprise party?
Frasier: That's right.
Lana: And you tell me and ruin it??
Niles: Well, Daphne, you might as well make your acquaintance with my dark side. In fifth grade, there was a bully, Jack Winfield, who was bothering a lot of the girls, so one day I waited for him outside of school and gave him a sound thumping.
Martin: Wasn't that the kid with rickets?
Niles: Rickets and a smart mouth.
Martin's dark secret: Well, all right, but it doesn't leave this room. Every time I watch "The Sound of Music"... I cry. And I don't mean a single manly tear. I mean real blubbering, girl-style. The nuns... those kids... the lonely goat-herd.
Lana, moaning over her ex's remarriage: Where was Kathy while I was busting my ass putting him through dental school? Oh, oh, that's right - she wasn't BORN YET!
Frasier: Well, you're a very lucky young man, Kirby. You know, I loved studying US history. What could be more fascinating than the rich and unfolding epic of the very soil on which we live?
Kirby: Uh, will that question be on the test?
Frasier: Doubtful. So, which chapter are you on?
Kirby: Whoa, is that my book?
Frasier: I see - Chapter One. You may want to take some notes.
Kirby: I don't have a pen. But just tell me, I'll remember it.
Lana: Oh yeah, yeah, that's gotten you far. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET A PEN!!! (Both Kirby and Frasier jump up. To Frasier) No, not you, not you!
A Passing Fancy
Frasier: If anyone understands the value of restraint and taking things slowly, it's yours truly.Lana: Frasier, as I recall, on our first date, you got me up to your apartment on false pretenses, you plied me with wine, you got me into bed and then tried to weasel out of ever seeing me again.
Frasier: I think "plied" is a bit strong!
Niles: I'll have the French roast, with three shots
of espresso.
Daphne: The Defibrilator?
Niles: Yeah, that's the one.
Frasier: The trick to remembering the difference between William Henry Harrison and William Howard Taft is a simple mnemonic device.
Kirby: A what?
Frasier: It's a trick. Harrison died in office after his first month,
so we say "William Henry Harrison Was Hardly Healthy." And you can't spell "Taft" without the letters f-a-t.
Kirby: So now to remember two things, I have to remember two other things. Plus the first two things. That's four things.
Frasier: You convinced me you held the keys to Claire's kingdom, and the truth is I didn't need the key. When I got there the gates were open, and the mat said "Welcome Frasier."
A Day in May
Daphne: I wonder how I'll use my irrational demand? Oh, what's my rush? I've got years to think it over.Mrs. Smolenski: Are you choking on your lolly?
Frasier: No. I am choking on something far more dangerous and destructive than a simple sugary treat. It's a prolific and powerful poison known as deception!
Cranes go Caribbean
Niles: This place is completely freeing. Would you believe today I dabbled in public nudity? Daphne and I found a secluded cove on the beach. We shed our garments and surrendered ourselves to the sand, the sea and one rather curious grouper.Frasier: Don't you have a diary?
Frasier: Steak? That's what we should eat at Belize's finest seafood restaurant? There's an ocean full of fresh fish not fifteen feet away, but why not try a slab of artery clogging, hormone-injected, frozen red meat instead?