Don Juan in Hell

Roz: Did you get hit on the head by a coconut?
Niles: The coconut of revelation. I discovered a whole new side of myself in Belize, and I'm not going to abandon Island Niles just cuz my vacation's over.
Roz: Well, Island Niles might want to rethink the short pants.
Niles: Island Niles would prefer not to wear pants at all.

Frasier: Oh well, Roz, I see you've met Island Niles. At least he did you the courtesy of putting a shirt on.
Niles: I'm still not wearing underpants.

Clerk: Oh, I apologize for the inconvenience, but at least there's a happy ending, right?
Frasier, staring at a suitcase which isn't his: My suitcase is inside this to keep it safe?

Brian: Have you been waiting here long?
Frasier: Time is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell - a place where even despair dies.

Kirby: Got our prom pictures back. I had them retouched a little. You're smiling in them now.
Roz: I notice you also have your hand on my ass.
Kirby: Where? Oh, you mean now.

Frasier: I can't.
Kirby: Can't? I seem to recall a young pupil named Kirby. He said "I can't" nary but months ago. But a certain man named Dr Frasier Crane taught that pupil that he can do whatever he sets his mind to. And the name of that man was you!

Lilith: Perhaps she wasn't needy enough for you. You have been known to love a project.
Frasier: Oh, please! I have never found neediness to be an attractive quality in a woman!
Diane, appearing in the car: Never?

Diane: We leave you. It's in our nature. I left you.
Frasier: Yes. You did! You left me for Sam.
Diane: I left Sam, too.
Lilith: Diane, we're talking about Frasier. When we're inside your head, we'll talk about you.

Lilith: It's that quest for perfection which ultimately defeats you, because the perfect woman does not exist.
Hester: Speak for yourself!
Frasier: Mother!
Hester: For such a short trip, you sure brought a lot of baggage!
Frasier: What are you doing here?
Lilith: You have to ask? You're a Freudian.

Hester: Oh, excuse me for not keeping up. I was busy being dead!
Nanette: That's her excuse for everything!
Hester: Don't you have a tambourine to bang?

Frasier, looking out the door and then slamming it in haste: It's every woman I've ever dated!

Hester: You're afraid of losing a good woman. Again.
Frasier: All this work just to find out that I have a fear of rejection?
Lilith: That's right.
Frasier: So I'm alone... because I'm afraid to be alone??

The First Temptation of Daphne

Niles: First of all, I can't discuss the woman in this file, which, by the way, is clearly umber and not burnt sienna!

Roz: Did the cricket crawl into bed with you? Did the cricket throw up on you?
Frasier: Gee, I wish I had a three year old so I could win every argument!

Frasier: Dear God, can't you make him shut up?
Martin: That prayer doesn't get answered around here!

Niles: That is the worst thing you could have done!
Daphne: You would think so....

Niles: When I was with Maris, or with Mel, I found myself thinking about you. Going about my day or even when I was in a session, I found myself thinking about you. Well, now we're together. I find myself thinking about you. It's not going to stop. (Daphne hugs him) I'm still mad at you.
Daphne: I know.

The Return of Martin Crane

Frank: You booted a car just to irritate your kid? Now that's a lot of trouble.
Martin: No, the real trouble was getting four guys to lift it and move it closer to the hydrant.

Martin: What the hell is throat singing?
Frasier: Oh, Dad, it's an extraordinary technique where a single vocalist can actually produce two distinct tones simultaneously, allowing him to harmonize with himself!
Martin: Kind of like the Everly Brothers.
Frasier: If they shared a throat and came from Mongolia, yes.

Niles: What's wrong?
Frasier, on Eddie: Apparently, his nibs will explode if he doesn't go out around ten!

Martin, kissing his sons on their cheeks: I'm going to work now. I'll be home late. Don't wait up.

Love Stinks

Roz: He's very sweet, and he's a garbage man, so go ahead and make your jokes.
Frasier: What jokes? Why does everyone assume I look down on the common man?
Niles: Oh, I've got a good one: So, even in his off time, he's taking out the trash.
Frasier: Technically, that's really more about Roz. Now if I were to make a joke about him, which of course I wouldn't, I'd say he has a thing for Roz's can.

Roz: And don't worry, I won't get dumped.

Martin: Oh, look! A picture of you in your first little league uniform. Don't know why I said "first."
Daphne to Niles: Was that your game face?
Niles: Oh, no, no. I'd just lost a tooth to an errant pitch.
Martin: Tell her who was pitching.
Niles: I was.

Frasier: Kill me.
Roz: What are you talking about? You're Mr. Popularity.
Frasier: Yes. And it's a living hell. I have spent the entire morning exchanging fake pleasantries with a bunch of people that I have absolutely nothing in common with. I miss being unapproachable.
Roz: I thought you wanted to be loved by the common man.
Frasier: Yes, but couldn't they have sent just one representative?

Roz: Ever since Roger and I broke up, I can't look at trash the same way.

Niles, looking at Daphne's childhood drawings: That's a wonderful drawing of a...uh... turtle.
Daphne: No, that's me Dad crawling home from the pub.

Room Full of Heroes

Frasier: Joe DiMaggio was married to Marilyn Monroe, who was also married to Arthur Miller, the playwright who wrote Death of a Salesman, The Crucible, A View From the Bridge... you see, Dad, I know a lot more about baseball than you think.

Martin: How does this party game of yours work? Is it like Charades? 'Cause I don't like Charades.
Frasier: Oh no, Dad. It's actually much better. You see, I've devised some questions that we will answer as our heroes. What better way to learn about each other than to explore the personalities of those who most inspire us, huh?
Martin: Couldn't we just play Charades?
Frasier: You know, if this evening goes really well, I may consider marketing my little invention. It's a welcome change from those tiresome theme parties where someone gets murdered.
Martin: It could still happen.

Roz: Can I change there?
Frasier: Well, as you know, Roz, (Goes into Freudian persona) change can only occur after years of hard work und analysis.
Roz: It's going to be a hell of a party.

Frasier: Your hero is Wonder Woman? You're supposed to come dressed as the person you most admire, whom you most wish to emulate. I'm not even sure you can do that to the flag!
Roz: I'm sorry. When you said "hero" I thought you meant "superhero."
Frasier: Yes, and when you saw me dressed in a beard with a cigar, what superhero did you think I was, hmm?
Roz: That butler who cooked for Batman?

Frasier: The idea of this evening is to come as a classic hero, someone who truly inspires you. No offense, Dad. You know, someone of truly unquestioned greatness! Again, no offense, Dad.
Martin: Blow it out your whistle. No offense.

Martin, handing Niles a beer: Here you go, Marty!
Niles: Oh, uh,...
Frasier: Oh, Niles, you don't really have to drink that.
Niles: Well, I'm already wearing black shoes with white socks. I may as well go all the way.

Niles as Martin: You know, we know how to hang out with regular guys and shoot the breeze and, and, and knock a few back. But not my kids. No, they're too good for that stuff. They got all their fancy degrees, but they never learned how to be regular guys. So I guess if I had to pick my two biggest disappointments--
Martin: You stop right there! You will not put these words in my mouth. I was always proud of you boys, and I will not be portrayed as some drunken, judgmental jackass!
Frasier: That's why I didn't dress as you, Dad!

The Two Hundredth

Martin: I've broken lots of his stuff.
Daphne: I've never heard of you breaking anything.
Martin: That's because I know how to cover my tracks. Take a look at that fertility god statue over there. It used to be a lot more fertile if you know what I mean.
Daphne: Oh my God! This is a Tootsie Roll!

Junior Agent

Frasier: As if some air-brushed picture of a pretty boy has anything to do with effective therapy!
Daphne: He is awfully cute.
Niles: Yet not so much you hate him for it.

Frasier to his, er, new agent: We have met!!

Martin: I got news for you, you didn't make an illegal left turn. That's a buddy of mine. I set the whole thing up to get you to write me my prescription!
Niles: I've got news for you, I just drew you a picture of a dog.

Portia: Soon, we'll have a vast and viable audience. Oh, think of it! The obsessive-compulsive on his tractor... the bipolar cop on his beat... the soccer mom seething with rage! And they're all out there across this great land of yours, just waiting for you to help them!
Frasier: I've always thought that!
Portia: Yes! (to Kenny) But I can't do any of this unless you start backing us up with some advertising! (to Frasier) And you! You've got to be ready to schmooze every station manager from Portland, to the other Portland! I'm hungry for this. I need you both to be as hungry as I am! Are you hungry?!
Frasier: I'm starving!

Frasier: Wow! That was my very first locker room pep talk!
Kenny: Mine too!
Frasier: She took your pants, you know!
Kenny: I know!

Bully for Martin

Niles: You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.
Frasier: You're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.
Niles: Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.

Mother Load

Niles: You know...
Daphne: Yes?
Niles: You could live here.
Daphne: Are you asking me?
Niles: Would you like to?
Daphne: Would you like me to?
Niles:... Yeah.
Daphne: Then I will.
Niles: Okay.

Niles: So, just to clarify, you're going to stay here, but your parents are going to stay with me.
Daphne: Oh, I'm so glad you understand.

Mrs Moon: Daphne, dear, I've finally figured out what's wrong with your outfit. It's made for a smaller woman.

Roz: I have a boyfriend now, Simon, so you can just lay off.
Simon: You what? I thought you would wait for my return. Oh, well, let's have another go then, for old time's sake.
Roz: We never had a go.
Simon: We didn't? Who was that, then?

Mrs Moon: I'd've thought with all your fancy dingle dangles you'd have something nicer for your guests who smoke.
Frasier: Yes, well customarily my guests who smoke do so on the balcony.
Mrs Moon, using the tin can: This is lovely, thank you.

Frasier: This land is rich with snow-covered mountains, sun kissed beaches, wild untamed rivers and a warm loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this America!
(Behind him, a huge American flag unfurls across the balcony.)
Niles: How did you do that?
Frasier: Cam Winston!

Daphne: It was a good idea taking Mum out today, helped take her mind off Dad.
Niles: Yeah, although I'm not sure the zoo was the best idea. The sight of those amorous wolverines seemed to set her back a bit.
Daphne: Amorous? I thought they were trying to kill each other.
Niles: Well, either way, it seemed to remind her of something.

Mrs Moon: You young modern people think marriage is some sort of promenade through paradise, when it's more like a march through hell with a man strapped to your back and a litter of nasty babies swinging from your teats!

Simon, as Frasier sends his date away: Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you?

Daphne: Now you listen to me, Mum! In case you haven't noticed, I've got dreams too! I even moved halfway across the world to make a life for myself! Do you admire that? No, you don't even acknowledge it! Oh, and by the way, I'm no virgin! Haven't been for years! You remember that boy with the lazy eye you hated so much? Yeah, he was my first! Did it right in the parlor where you take your tea! Then there was the German who fixed Dad's car! Oh yeah, and that Irish chap I fancied, who was twice my age and had his own van and a band! Then I came to America - shall I go on?? Well, I am a grown woman who's made her own life and her own decisions! Now I plan to shack up with Niles here, damned if we aren't going to do it every night of the week!!

Juvenalia

The Proposal

Mrs. Moon: What a wonderful sunset. I bet you ordered it just for me, didn't you, Marty?
Martin: Actually, the sun goes down almost every night.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, you! Stop making me fall in love with you.

Niles: You'll never guess what I have planned for tonight.
Daphne: All I want to do is stuff Kleenex up me nose, collapse on the couch and pray for death.
Niles: ...Keep guessing.

Daphne: I don't know what I did to deserve you.
Niles: You kidding? I got the better end of this deal.
Daphne: Oh, yeah, look at me: nose running, hair a mess, I must look a real fright.
Niles: You are simply the most adorable creature I have ever seen on this Earth.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sure.
Niles: No, I mean it. From your beautiful toes all the way up to your crusty nose, there's not an inch of you that I don't adore. You know, it's funny. You could take a million years to plan the perfect evening, and you'd never come up with this. Daphne, I have to ask you a question.
Daphne: Hold on. (She blows her nose for a long, long time.) You were saying?
Niles: Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes and your exquisite ankles and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers, shoulders...will you marry me?
Daphne: Oh, Niles! Of course I will.

Wheels of Fortune

Blaine: I sold a lot of fake handicapped plates in my time. Boy, talk about a butt-load of poetic justice, huh?
Niles: Yes, I believe that is the basic unit of poetic justice.

Three Blind Dates

Frasier, upset at the bookstore: By the way, you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!

Susanna: I do not need to be insulted by someone who buys art because it matches his bedspread!
Frasier: It's a duvet and you're delusional!
Susanna: Dilettante!
Frasier: Forger!
Susanna: Man who uses the word "duvet!!"

Martin: What's going on out here?
Frasier: I let Roz set me up on a blind date with one of her friends.
Martin: Ah, big waste of time, huh?
Frasier: Well, there's pie.
Martin: Homemade?
Frasier: Yeah.
Martin: Cherry?
Frasier: Key Lime.
Martin: I can live with that!

Dry cleaner clerk: How did this happen?
Lisa: I was at the new Benjamin Locklear exhibit--and this crazy woman came in and strated ranting about how he'd ripped off her work. And then she started spray-painting everything! Actually, I don't know if I should clean it or hold onto it until after she dies. You know, because art increases in value after the artist... (No reaction from the dry cleaner) Think you can get this out?

War of the Words

Daphne: It's probably just as well considering how emotional I get watching children compete. I keep thinking how much it means to them. Like the little girl who studies over candlelight while her father's down at the local pub, drinking away the money for the light bill. Or the little girl on the school bus who pretends not to see her father waving at her from the pub. Then there's the little girl who thinks that by doing well she can grow up, purchase the local pub, and turn it into a circus so her father can keep his promise.

Martin on Niles: He made it. All the way to the last word.
Freddie: What happened?
Frasier: He didn't even try to spell it. He just stood there for a moment, then turned and walked off the stage.
Martin: He was immediately disqualified and he never competed again.
Freddie: Never?
Martin: Sure, he'd spell now and again. But only to help you out and you had to really need it, 'cause he could spot a set-up a mile away.
Freddie: Wow. Sounds to me like he choked.
Martin: Choked... or, was he the victim of an elaborate conspiracy?
Freddie: Really?
Martin: Oh, I thought I heard him coming down the hall. He choked.

Niles: You should be very proud of your accomplishment, Freddie. Just keep it in perspective. And don't forget the twenty six little friends who got you here.

Niles: Can you take him?
Freddie: Yeah!
Niles: Then spell his ass off!

Deathtrap

Daphne: I used to have the same problem when I was raising show rats.
Niles: You don't mean the nasty, plague-propagating vermin, do you?
Daphne: No. I mean purebred rats, as in Siamese or Himalayan or Husky. My most prized one was an Andalusian Blue named Lady Prissy, and she wasn't sick a day in her life, so don't go blaming all rats because of a few bad apples!

Frasier: Here's the window we used to sneak out of after curfew.
Martin: Really, you did? I never knew that.
Frasier: Sure, Dad, we, uh, we used to go out and... uh, chase the girls, and... uh, get a drink or two.
Martin: Well! Boys will be boys.
Niles: Um, Frasier? We didn't chase girls, we went out to foreign films.
Frasier: You think Dad wants to hear that? Throw the guy a bone.

Niles: I'm not going to put my hand down there, there could be rats.
Frasier: Maybe they're just down-on-their-luck show rats!
Niles: I know, what was that?
Frasier: Don't ask me, you're marrying her.

Martin: What kind of TV do you like?
Alice: Cartoons.
Martin: Oh, really? Your mom lets you watch that stuff - the anvils and dynamite, and people falling over cliffs and things? Great, then you should be all over this hockey game.

Roz: When I was six, my canary died. And that evening, my dad sat on the bed next to me and said, "Dying is just going to sleep and never waking up." Then he turned off the light and said good night.

Niles: I think this rock could be the murder weapon.
Frasier: Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
Niles: It's pointier.

Frasier: And so, he hatches a plan. "Darling, why don't we evict the Cranes? We don't need their rent money anymore."
Niles as Mrs Laskoff: "No, thanks to my family's frugal nature and untimely death."
Frasier: And so, out go the Cranes, and the house is empty. "Darling, why don't we go see in what condition the Cranes have left the house, hmm?"
Niles: "You go, you lazy parasite, I'm having my nails done! I mean, okay!"

Martin: Well... when a hamster goes to hamster heaven, it can't come back. But that's okay.
Alice: Why?
Martin: Oh, 'cause it's great up there. They've got exercise wheels on every corner, and the streets are paved with... what do hamsters eat?
Alice: Hamster food.
Martin: Ah well, that's what the streets are paved with. And there aren't any cats to chase them.
Alice: Does cats have a heaven too?
Martin: Oh, sure! Yeah, same deal, except no wheels, and their streets are paved with fish.

The Love you Fake

Daphne: I've done some calculating, and in the last nine years, I've carried 2.8 tons of laundry approximately 106.4 miles back and forth to the basement. That's the same as carrying an SUV on my back to Canada!
Martin: Maybe we should ask him to buy a washer-dryer.
Daphne: Oh, there's an idea! I was going to suggest moving the apartment closer to the laundry room.

Daphne: I'm off to do the laundry.
Mrs Winston: You don't have your own here?
Daphne: No. We have a hat museum.

Frasier: Good Morning. How did this... How did you... sleep?
Martin, oh so casually: Like a couple of logs.
Mrs Winston: More like two baby kittens curled up in a tight fuzzy ball.

Frasier: I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
Daphne: Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks.
Frasier: I don't have any pinks.
Daphne: You will.

Cheerful Goodbyes

Niles: No, it's Maine that's famous for lobsters, sweetheart. Boston is famous for beans.
Daphne: Beans? What kind of a city brags about bloody beans?

Norm: Vera would have been here, so I didn't tell her about it.
Frasier: Yes, Vera is Norm's much storied wife.
Niles: Oh, that sounds fascinating. Let me know when we're leaving.

Carla: Hey, Cliff, tell us more about how you're leaving. And tell it real slow. Quiet, everybody.
Cliff: Well, Carla, tomorrow I'm gettin' on a plane and going to the promised land, Florida. Time to hang up my uniform and live in my Speedos.
Carla: I didn't think anything could live in your Speedos.

Niles: If I hear one more of that postman's crackpot theories, my head will explode.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, don't worry about him, nobody takes him seriously.
Daphne: I never knew there were so many letters in the dolphin alphabet.

Niles: It's just we had reservations at one of the finest restaurants in Boston, and instead we're eating trail mix and drinking this... Oh, dear God, it's just labeled "Wine"!

Norm: Cliffy, we've been best friends for a long long time. We've done a lot of stuff together, most of it dumb, the rest of it boring. But it's like we have this connection, you know? I mean, somehow we know when we want to be dumb and when we want to be boring. To my best friend Cliff.

Frasier: Carla? Don't you have a few words to say?
Carla: I sure do. Cliffy, I know that things haven't always been that great between us over the years, but being here tonight, makes me think about the effect that you've had on my life. I'd like to say that I'll miss you... I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
Frasier: It's okay, Carla.
Carla: I'd like to say that I'll miss you...but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs! I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing! The way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Frasier: Carla!
Carla: Back off, I'm toasting! The twenty years I've known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with, with a bunch of diseased rats. But finally, you're leaving! I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I can live again. I can live again! Finally, I can live! I can live!

Frasier has Spokane

Kenny: Sorry I'm late, Doc. I had a situation at the hotel, but it's under control now.
Frasier: Judging from the pillow wrinkles on your cheek, I'd say it was a nap situation.
Kenny: The point is, it's under control.

Frasier: Hello, caller. I'm listening.
Roz, pretending to be a caller: Hi, Dr Crane. My name is Ro... berta, and, um... I'm afraid of the dark.
Frasier, with a look that says that he is not impressed: What is it about the dark that frightens you?
Roz: Um... I don't know. Um...
Frasier: Often a fear of darkness is a fear of the unknown. It is in darkness where our imaginations give shape to our deepest anxieties. What image comes to mind for you?
Roz: Nothing, actually.
Frasier: Nothing?
Roz: Yeah, when everything disappears, there's nothing. Just emptiness.
Frasier: I see. And what is it about the emptiness that frightens you?
Roz: It's... lonely, for one thing.
Frasier: Have you always felt this way?
Roz: For a while I didn't.
Frasier: What was different then?
Roz: I had somebody. A guy I really liked. And then we broke up... Oh God, Frasier. I miss him so much. I don't know how I fell in love again. I mean, I swore I wouldn't. I knew better. I should have known better! And then, sure enough, six months in, he tells me there's no fireworks. And what am I supposed to say?
Frasier: I'm so sorry. But listen to me. You can't blame yourself for letting someone into your heart. Love is always a risk. But you have to take it. The pain you're feeling now will pass in time, and you'll find yourself ready to take that risk again. Until then... take comfort in your friends. They want to help you. They love you.
Roz: Yeah. Thanks.
Frasier: You're welcome.

The Guilt Trippers

Mrs Moon: Some man break your heart, did he?
Roz: Oh, yeah, but I'll be OK.
Mrs Moon: Sure you will. Until you realize he was the love of your life and he's gone for good. Then not a night will pass when you don't beg the good Lord to take you in your sleep.
Niles: We all have those thoughts.

Daphne: I know she's difficult, but we need to be sensitive with Mum right now.
Niles: "Difficult"?? I yearn for the days of difficult. Difficult was a picnic. I keep a picture of difficult in a heart-shaped frame next to my bed.

Roz: Why can't more men be like you? I mean, you are exactly what women are looking for.
Frasier: Yeah. Women I date don't seem to know that.
Roz: Some women don't know what's good for them.
Frasier: Terrific. I'm the broccoli of dating.

Martin: Damn it, Eddie, just because I drop something it doesn't make it yours!

Martin: You see the paper yet?
Frasier: Uh, no, I haven't.
Martin: Big story about how Roz's purse spent the night on the coffee table.

Frasier: Do you realize what this means? I have probably destroyed our friendship. Do you know what she'll see every time she looks at me?
Martin: Your naked body.
Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was going to say "someone who's betrayed her trust," but oh, dear God!

Mrs Moon: I don't know why we can't go somewhere where they speak English!
Daphne: They do speak English in Hawaii, Mum.
Martin: How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England?
Mrs Moon: How come you can drive a car, but you can't do your own laundry?

Martin: I can't do my own laundry because I can't carry the basket and my cane at the same time. That's what I should have said!

Niles: Excuse me. Do you know a man named Harry Moon, and no that is not the start of a limerick.

Moons over Seattle

Frasier: Harry, let me get you a beer.
Mr Moon: Oh, get a man a beer, he drinks for five minutes; teach 'im where they are, he drinks all day.

Mrs Moon: And then, she drags me to another luau. Where I come from, you bury a dead pig because it's diseased, not because you're going to dig it up and eat it.
Niles: Yes, well, Hawaii's not for everyone. Things may be looking up. I have a surprise.
Daphne: Oh, a surprise. I hope it's not another trip, darling or I might just have to kill you in your sleep.

Mrs Moon: "Hallo, Gert"? That's all you have to say for yourself? For forty years I've been a good wife to you, raising your children and boiling your meals and letting you work off your animal lusts and all I get for my trouble is a cheery "Hallo, Gert"?! Well, your fatal charm is not going to work this time, so you can just drag your sorry arse back to that barstool it normally sags over and leave me the hell alone! Thank you, Niles, that was a nice surprise!

Harry to Niles: You're right. She has mellowed.

Mrs Moon: Just so you know, Henry, I won't eat frogs, snails, slugs or eels. And don't try slipping 'em under the sauce. I'm on to you people.
Henri: I shall repeat this to the chef and I'm sure some other delightful surprise will find its way onto your plate.

Martin: Great, I cheated death in Korea for this!

Daphne: Why? Because you'd do anything, even put up with my insane family, to make me happy. Because you'd travel halfway around the world to make my dreams come true, even the impossible ones. And because I can't spend one more minute without being your wife, Niles Crane. Because I adore you.
Niles: But I thought you always wanted a big wedding.
Daphne: Do you want to make my dreams come true? This is my dream.

Forge Onwards to Season 10