| Backwards Marooned Polymorph Timeslides Bodyswap The Last Day |
Scrolled super-quick across the screen in a manner not at all like Star Wars: Three million years in the future, Dave Lister, the last human being alive, discovers he is pregnant after a liaison with his female self in a
parallel universe. His pregnancy concludes with the successful delivery
of twin boys, Jim and Bexley. However, because the boys were conceived
in another universe, with different physical laws, they suffer from
highly accelerated growth rates and are both eighteen years old within
three days of being born. In order to save their lives, Lister returns
them to the universe of their origin, where they are reunited with their
father (a woman), and are able to lead comparatively normal lives. Well,
as normal as you can be if you've been born in a parallel universe and
your father's a woman and your mother's a man and you're eighteen years
old three days after your birth. Shortly afterward, Kryten, the service
mechanoid, who had left the ship after being rescued from his own crashed
vessel, the Nova 5, is found in pieces after his space bike crashed into
an asteroid. Lister rebuilds the 'noid, but is unable to recapture his
former personality. Meanwhile, Holly, the increasingly erratic computer,
performs a head sex change operation on himself. He bases his new face
on Hilly, a female computer with whom he'd once fallen madly in love.
The saga continuums... Red Dwarf III The Same Generation -nearly- Lister: D'ya think Wilma's sexy?
Rimmer giving Kryten a driving test: Right, in your own time, if you'd like to start the space vehicle, proceed through the cargo bay doors, and off into outer space. Once through the doors, proceed directly to the nearest planet. Once there I want you to bring the vehicle to a halt and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit, remembering of course at all times to
pay due care and attention to any other space users. Right, in your own time.
Kryten: The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2. I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1.
Rimmer: Stopping distances. You're traveling half the speed of light, what is the stopping distance?
(Starbug crash-lands)
Rimmer: What's the time period?
Kryten: I've never been to Earth before. I've only seen it on photographs. It's exactly like I always imagined, only much shorter. Rimmer: There's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this.
Kryten, reading the newspaper: "Three brought to life in bank raid. A masked man with a sawed-off shotgun sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard in a South London bank tomorrow. The armed raider then
forced terrified staff to accept 10,000 pounds, which he demanded they place in the bank's vaults. The man, Michael Ellis, completed a fifteen year prison sentence for the crime two years ago."
Kryten: Here's the jobs page. This looks interesting. "Wanted: Managing director, ICI. Excellent demotion prospects - right
candidate could go straight to the bottom!"
Cat: We ain't gonna find 'em. They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side... (cheerfully) They're gone, buddy! Lister: Fasten your belt.
Cat: Is that what I think it is?
Lister: Nodnol? Hang on, wait a minute! Nodnol! Nod. Nol. It's in Bulgaria, isn't it!
Cat: No more! I'm not moving another yard on this thing! I'm gettin' a part in the back of my head!
Lister: We're lookin' for our friend... er... friendski?
Rimmer: For our first trick tonight, ladies and gentlemen, my partner Kryten will attempt to eat a boiled egg ... forwards!
Rimmer: It's true! Once you get over the initial shock, things actually make a lot more sense this way round. There's no death here. You start off dead, you have a funeral, then you come to life! As each year passes you get younger and younger until you become a newborn baby. Then you go back inside your mother, who goes back inside her mother, and so on, until eventually we all become one glorious whole! Lister: But we can't stay! Look, I'm 25 now - in 10 years time I'll be 15. I'll have to go through puberty again! Backwards!
Kryten: Take war. War is a wonderful thing here! In fifty years time, the second world war will start - backwards!
Lister: Okay, okay! But look at the flipside of the coin. It's not all good. Take someone like, say... St. Francis of Assissi. In this
universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus - what a bastard!
Lister: Me black eye! It's gone! He just sucked it off me face with his fist! And now he's just uncracked me ribs!
Cat, coming back from, er, doing his business: Don't ask. Pick an episode from the list on the left or |