Balance of Power

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Lister: I want to have some fun!
Rimmer: This is fun! Are you mad?
Lister: You read something out. I say check. Where's the fun?
Rimmer: All right. We'll put you in command for a few seconds, Capitaine. What's the plan, Sir? Come on, lickety split.
Lister: Go back to Earth.
Rimmer: And in the meantime?
Lister: I don't know, generally slob around, have a few laughs.
Rimmer: Excellent plan, Lister! Excellent plan! Brilliant plan! There was me thinking you hadn't thought about it, when clearly you have. Right, I'll just stand over here and laugh slobbily, shall I?
Lister: Rimmer, I'm going for a drink. Gimme me cigarettes.
Rimmer: I only owe you four and three quarters.
Lister: You owe me five!
Rimmer: It's one cigarette for each day you obey me.
Lister: Well, there you go. Five days, five cigarettes.
Rimmer: Ah, but I'm penalising you a quarter of a cigarette for saying "check" in a variety of silly voices while doing the homogenized puddings.

Lister on Rimmer: He was the most unpopular man on board this ship. I mean, he even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties.

Naming things that go in jars (the fun never ends!)
Selby: Jam!
Chen: Spaghetti!
Lister: Brains!
Selby: What? In jars?
Lister: My uncle's brain's in a jar. It's really sad.
Chen: Why is it sad?
Lister: He's not dead yet.

Lister: Come on, no one works Saturday night!
Rimmer: You don't work any night. You don't work any day!

Rimmer: Where's my revision timetable?
Lister: Wait, is this the thing in all different colours, with all the subjects divided into study periods and rest periods and self-testing time?
Rimmer: It took me seven weeks to make it. I've got to cram my whole revision into one night.
Lister: Hang on, is this the thing with the note on it in red which said, "Vital. Valuable. Urgent. Do not touch on pain of death"?
Rimmer: Yes!
Lister: I threw it away.

Rimmer, reading the warning label on Lister's CD: "Danger. Government Health Warning. This music can make you irritable and irrational and has been linked to disorders of the nervous system and bowels."

Rimmer: Is that painting yours? It's rubbish!
Lister: It's a mirror.

Dispensing Machine: Hello. How can I help you?
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
Cat, walking away with six servings of fish: I will!

Rimmer: You seriously believe a piece of fungus like you has got the stuff to become an officer? You've got the brains of diarrhea and the breeding of a maggot. I mean, what are you writing on, Lister? The inside of a chocolate wrapper?! I mean, come on, where's your looseleaf files? Where's your pencil? Where's your protractor and your hole reinforcers?
Lister: Rimmer, I'm going to pass this exam by knowing things.
Rimmer: OK, what's a porous circuit?
Lister: Don't know.
Rimmer: How do you calculate acceleration?
Lister: Don't know.
Rimmer: Oh, this is sad! What's Boyle's Fourth Law?
Lister: Don't eat greasy food?
Rimmer: These are basic engineering precepts, Lister! How do you expect to pass the engineering exam?
Lister: I don't. I expect to pass the chef's exam.

Kochanski: Dave, why didn't you just tell me how you felt about me when I was still alive?
Lister: 'Cuz I'm a dope. And I'm a bum, and I'm stupid, and I'm an idiot, and I'm hopeless, and I'm useless.
Kochanski: I'm sorry, but I just don't like you.
Lister: Oh, hey. I'm really embarrassed now. I don't know what to say.
Kochanski: I suppose it's sort of pointless you doing the exam now.
Lister: Well, yeah. It's sort of pointless me breathing in and out, if you want to know the truth.

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