Better than Life

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Rimmer: Obviously you can't expect perfection first time but I was quite delighted with the way my dumplings went down.
Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings, should not bounce.

Lister: The lamb? Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese and that lemon meringue pie, man, what was in that?
Rimmer: I thought you liked that, you brought some back.
Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot.

Lister: That's your excuse for everything isn't it - being dead?

Holly: Post pod's arrived.
Rimmer: What, the mail?
Holly: It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round it's caught up.
Lister: Do you mean it's taken 3 million years.
Holly: Yeah, that's about average for second class post.

Rimmer: What are total immersion video games?
Lister: Where? Oh these are brilliant. You can't get hold of these for love nor money! These are like Venus's arms. These are like Brooke Shield's buttocks.

Rimmer: You send off for every bit of rubbish going, you do. Just so you'll have some mail to open.
Lister, going through the mail: Me. Me.
Rimmer: "Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't."

Rimmer on Outland Revenue Service: What do you mean? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct. That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

Lister: "I write to -" I can't read that. Oh, "I write to inform." "I write to inform you that your father is dad." Well of course he is.

Lister: I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So, I wanted to know where, like, you know. She said he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend, you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.

Cat: Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat.
Lister: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died.
Cat: I'd prefer chicken.

Newsreader: Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon-dated in Bonne. If genuine, it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read, "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.

Cat: About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground now. Sure it's bad news for him. But on the other hand it's party time for all the little worms. (To Lister) There's just no consoling him.

Rimmer meeting Napoleon: Excuse me. You're probably really busy but could I just say you are my all time favourite fascist dictator and I've read all your war diaries and I thought your Italian campaign was simply brilliant. Err, could you just sign this for me. Err, make it out to my good pal Arnie from your dear chum Napolean Bonaparte. It's not for me, it's for my sister Alison. Errm, we call her Arnie.

Rimmer: We're only one thing away from perfection. (Rimmer makes a pair of fluffy dice appear in the car) Bliss.

BTL Guide: Your caviar vindaloo, sir. Half rice, half chips and lots more bread and butter to follow.
Lister: I never thought I'd see the day when I could eat something as classy as this, you know?
BTL Guide: This is "Better Than Life," sir. And yours was the fish, sir?
(The Cat nods and licks the guide's jacket.)
Lister: What are you doing?
Cat: I always do this when someone gives me food.

BTL Guide: As ordered, sir, small fish. Are you sure you wouldn't like your fish cooked?
Cat: No, sir! I like my food to move! (singing) I'm going to eat you little fishy...

Lister: Have you checked into your room yet?
Rimmer: What room?
Lister: I mean, mine is absolutely brilliant. I've got this vibrating, leopard skin waterbed in the shape of a guitar.
Cat: Yeah? Well you should take a look at my wardrobe. It's so big it crosses an international time zone. When it's three o' clock where my shirts are it's seven in the morning for my socks.

Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to tell you -
Rimmer: Yes?
Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say -
Rimmer: Yes?
Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say - You're a total smeghead!
Rimmer: What? This isn't my fantasy!
Cat: No, it's mine.

Lister: Rimmer! What happened to you?
Rimmer: Lister. Ah, this a great game, Lister. I couldn't be happier.
Cat: Who are all those guys?
Rimmer: It's McGruder. She got pregnant so this morning she made me marry her and this afternoon we had seven kids. Bliss.

Rimmer: My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept nice things happening to me. It just keeps fantasising horribleness.
Taxman (appearing out of thin air): Mister Rimmer?
Rimmer: Yes.
Taxman: Mister Arnold Judas Rimmer?
Rimmer: Yes.
Taxman: Outland Revenue, Sir!
Rimmer: Oh my God!
Taxman: This is a demand for immediate payment.
Rimmer: Eighteen thousand?
Taxman: If you are unable to pay, Sir, I am instructed by the Revenue to break both your legs and pull off your thumbs, Sir.

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