Camille

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Lister: Kryten, I'm gonna teach you how to lie and cheat if it's the last thing I do. I want you to be unpleasant, cruel, and sarcastic. It's the only way to break your programming, man - make you independent!
Kryten: Well, I'm truly grateful, sir. Don't you think I'd love to be deceitful, unpleasant, and offensive? Those are the human qualities I admire the most!

Lister, showing Kryten the banana: Look! What's this?
Kryten: No!
Lister: What is it?
Kryten: Please!
Lister: Come on, what is it?
Kryten: It's a b... It's a b... It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!
Lister: Yes, you did it, you did it! What's this? (the orange)
Kryten: It's a red-and-blue striped golfing umbrella!

Cat: You taught him that? That's terrific! You two should audition for "What's My Fruit?"

Kryten: Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!

Rimmer: Kryten, is there any possibility we could go just a little bit faster? I mean, so we're not being overtaken by stationary objects?

Rimmer: What are you doing?
Kryten: I am not plotting a course, sir, neither am I taking her down.
Rimmer: Yes, you are!
Kryten: Neither am I rendezvousing with the crashed vessel, nor seeking for survivors.
Rimmer: Kryten, you're committing an act of mutiny! I could have you dismantled for this!
Kryten: Smeeeeg heeeed! Oh, damn my programming!

Lister: Ah, just a vid. This is a classic, man!
Cat: What is it?
Lister: Tales of the Riverbank: The Next Generation.
Cat: Oh, right! I've seen this! It's not as good as the original.
Lister: Well, they never really found anyone to replace Hammy Hamster, did they?
Cat: How could they? The dude was a diva! He smouldered! The camera loved him!
Lister: Yeah. He was the rodent equivalent of Marlon Brando.

Kryten: Are you a four thousand series?
Camille: Yes, I'm a four thousand series GTI.
Kryten: GTI! Oh, wow! I'm just a plain old four thousand series. You've got all the luxury extras like realistic toes and a slide-back sunroof head!

Kryten: Wow. Uh, listen, I - I know this is going to sound like a corny line, but has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?
Camille: You really know all the lines, don't you?
Kryten: No, I really mean it! The way the light catches the angles in your head: it's enchanting!

Camille: Kryten, do you believe in advanced mutual compatibility on the basis of a primary initial ident?
Kryten: You mean what humans call "love at first sight"?
Camille: That would be an adequate synonym, yes.
Kryten: Well, up until a few moments ago, I would have said it had a probability of zero squared.
Camille: And now?

Kryten: Oh, what is that fragrance? It smells divine!
Camille: WD-40.
Kryten: I knew it! That's what I use on MY neck hinges, too!

Camille: Then say it. I want to hear the words.
Kryten: Oh, but it sounds so ridiculous coming from a mechanoid.
Camille: Then say them in machine language.
Kryten: Okay. In Z80012, using hex rather than binary, and converting to a basic ASC-2 code: Camille, I think I E5 A9 08 B7 you.
Camille: You really mean that?
Kryten: Camille, I'd do anything for you. I'd compute a three million digit prime number with prime roots if I thought it would make you happy. I'd evaluate pi to infinity if it would make you smile.
Camille: Oh, Kryten. You make the most romantic calculations.

Camille: Please! I can't meet your shipmates. Trust me.
Kryten: But you don't know them! You'll like them! Well, some of them. Well, one of them. Maybe.

Camille: Oh, I think you're perfectly charming.
Rimmer: Do you? Well, thank you. No one's ever said I was charming before. They've said, "Rimmer, you're a total git." But never charming, no.

Rimmer: I'll tell you something. She's so like my sister-in-law Jannine, it's untrue.
Kryten: Camille looks like your sister-in-law? What happened? Was she involved in some kind of horrific car accident?
Rimmer: Who, Jannine? No, of course not. She was a model.
Kryten: And she looked like Camille?
Rimmer: Absolutely. The resemblance is uncanny.
Kryten: What did she model? Spark plugs?
Rimmer: I happen to think she's very attractive.
Kryten: You do?
Rimmer: Certainly.
Kryten: Do you think I'm attractive?
Rimmer: You? Of course not. I think you look like a giant half-chewed rubber-tipped pencil.
Kryten: Well! Well, you can think what the heck you like! Because there are some people in this big ol' wide cosmos who happen to think I'm pretty amazing-looking. Especially in the eye department, I thank you so very much!

Camille: You're a surgeon?
Lister: Well, I'm not fully qualified. But I've seen every episode of St. Elsewhere.

Lister: What gave it away? The fact that I've gone fully ten seconds without patronising you? This is weird, y'know. The last two human beings in an infinite cosmos and we have to bump into each other.
Camille: Yeah, it is weird, innit?
Lister: And you realise we have an awesome responsibility?
Camille: We do?
Lister: Yeah! Sure we do! We've gotta rebuild the human race. As quickly as possible. D'you wanna start now, or d'you wanna clean your teeth first?
Camille: And they say romance is dead.

Cat: Are you telling me, if I go into that room, I'll see my perfect mate?
Lister: Mmm. Yeah. And she'll fall instantly in love with you.
Cat: Ooh. What exquisite treasure of loveliness lies behind those doors?
Lister: Well, knowing you, a six foot Valkyrie warrior maiden in scanty armour with a cleavage you could ski down.
Cat: Stop, you're making me dribble!

Cat: You're me!
Camille: Who else?
Cat: I'm the object of my own desire?
Camille: Can you think of anyone more deserving?
Cat: Well, if you put it like that, I guess you're right! Damn my vanity!

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