DNA

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Cat: I don't believe this! We finally get to encounter an alien species and I have to meet them with a wavery bikini line!

Rimmer: Aliens! They're probably going to return Glen Miller.
Lister: You what!?
Rimmer: That's what they do. All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them. Aw, smeg, that's all we need. Glen Miller on board, boring us to death with "Pennsylvania 6-5000."

Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you only look after number one, you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.
Cat: You've just listed all my best features.

Rimmer: Uh, Kryten, take point. I've seen those movies. It's always the guy in the lead who buys it first. You take the front.
Kryten: Well, if it's movies we're talking about, sir, in my experience it's usually the poor fellow who's bringing up the rear that gets picked off first, so the others aren't aware that they're under attack.
Rimmer: You're right, you're right. Can you take the front and the back, so I can go in the middle?
Kryten: I'll do my best, sir.

Rimmer: All right, Kryten, you don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly gimboid git. I'm fine now.
Kryten: So, shall I cancel the order to find your mother?

Kryten: The artifacts are human! A pilots licence, I.D, even a video club card.
Rimmer: Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club and he needed a card so they'd recognise him? He's got six eyes and three noses. If it were me, I'd remember him. "Aren't you the bloke who came in last week, sneezed, and caused a monsoon?"

Cat: Wait, I think I got it.
Computer: Transmogrification sequence initiated.
Cat: Maybe not.

Cat, after turning Lister into a chicken: What can I say, except... whoops!

Rimmer: And it turned Lister into a chicken.
Kryten: So it seems.
Cat: Question is, can we turn him back again?
Rimmer: Question is, do we want to?

Rimmer: It's incredible. It really is him. Look, it's even got his little beer-gut.

Cat: What was it like being a hamster?
Lister: It was better than being a chicken! I mean, you've seen the size of an egg? And you've seen the size of a chicken's bum? Well, that's what all the clucking was about! I was trying to say, in chicken talk, "For God's sake, give me a epidural!!"

Kryten: My heavens. I am human.
Cat: Yeah, but you've lost your looks!

Kryten: Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
Lister: Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
Kryten: I see. Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object. All right, okay. Well, what about other optical effects, like split screen, slow motion, Quantel?
Lister: No. We don't have them.
Kryten: You don't have them. Just the zoom? Hmm.

Kryten: Now then, my nipples don't work.
Lister: Er, in what way, don't work?
Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly to pick up shortwave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
Lister: Human nipples don't do that, Kryt.
Kryten: I see. Fine. Ah... recharging. Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids do. Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaption. Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor? Because no matter what I do, the lead just keeps falling out.

Kryten: Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject - not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man.
Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode.

Kryten: I want to know, is that normal?
Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
Kryten: Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: It's hideous! That's the best design they could come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said "Ah, there, that's it. That's the shape we're looking for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look?" Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang "Memories are Made of This" with one of those stashed in his slacks?

Kryten: Now why do you suppose that happened?
Lister: What were you thinking of at the time?
Kryten: Well, nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through an electrical-appliance catalogue. I came across the section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
Lister: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other. You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
Kryten: It was a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dustbag.
Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was. No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid.

Kryten: Hey listen, listen, I've got a joke for you. Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Lister: I don't know.
Kryten: Twelve. And you know why?
Lister: Why?
Kryten: Because they're so stupid!

Cat: You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
Rimmer: Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it. That machine has a clone facility.
Cat: But a man made from dandruff? It's never going to work. The first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.

Cat: How's Kryten?
Lister: Confused. If he ever offers to show you his photo collection, my advice is, decline, politely.

Lister: What's so big about being human?
Rimmer: Listy, don't knock it till you've tried it.
Lister: I just don't trust that machine, man. Look, I know it's old-fashioned, but I'm from the school that believes, "If God intendeed us to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control." Okay, that machine might be able to cure diseases and stuff, but you shouldn't use it to change you into what you're not. You are what you are. Wasn't it Descartes who said, "I am what I am?"
Rimmer: No, it was Popeye the Sailor Man.
Lister: Well, whoever it was, he was a hell of a philisopher. And I think what he was trying to say was, you got to stay true to what you are.

Cat: Me? Are you serious? Most people leave their bodies to medical science. I'm leaving mine to the Louvre, babe!

Lister: At some point in their lives, most people wish they were someone else. This is going back years, years, before the accident. Kochanski had just finished with me, and I was feeling really pony. So I went for a walk in the botanical gardens, and I saw this squirrel, climbing up and down the tree collecting nuts. And it stopped, and it looked at me, and I thought: "You lucky little sod - you like your job, you're your own boss, and you've got no woman trouble, so you'll never feel as bad as I feel now. And at that moment, I mean for a split second, I would have given anything - anything - to swap places with him.
Cat: Ah, that's awful, man. When a woman screws you up so bad you want to become a squirrel.

Spare Head One: You're a human now?
Kryten: That's right, Spare Head One. Our wildest, most incredible dream has come true!
Spare Head Two: What's it like?
Kryten: It's indescribable, Spare Head Two. True, I'm having a few problems coping with the human emotions, and there's no zoom, the nipples don't work and I could show you a snapshot of something that would make your eyes spin like fruit machines! But that apart, it's all going well.

Kryten: Oh, I can't get the hang of these human emotions. One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable. What's wrong with me? I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangeroos in the mating season.

Lister: Hmm. Look, this is between you and me, okay, Kryten? Once, many years ago... I went into a wine bar.
Kryten: That's it? You went into a wine bar?!
Lister: Okay! Keep it down, keep it down! I don't want the whole world to know!
Kryten: Well, what's so bad about going into a... W.B.?
Lister: It means I was a class traitor. I could have been on that slippery slope, hankering after pine kitchens, sleeping on futons, eating tappas! Who knows where it could have led? I could have started having "relationships" with people instead of going out with them. Got married, got on the property ladder. God Almighty, who knows where it could have ended? Next thing you know, I'm playing squash every Tuesday night with a bloke called Gerald! A lucky escape, man, a lucky escape.

Lister: Kryten, there was a cartoon character once called Popeye, said a really profound thing.
Kryten: Well, what did he say?
Lister: He said, "I am what I am."
Kryten: Are you sure? I always thought it was Descartes!
Lister: So did I, man! It's so easy to get those two dudes mixed up!

Lister: We've created the mutton vindaloo beast. Half man, half extra-hot Indian curry!

Lister: Has anyone got a poppadom the size of Lake Michigan? This stuff's really good!

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