Justice

Back to RD intro page

Kryten: It's just not been possible, sir. Mr Rimmer has been on vacation.
Lister: The world's most charismatic man? Where did he go?
Kryten: On a rambling holiday through the diesel decks. A ten-day hike through the ship's combustion engines with two of the skutters. He said he'd pop in later and show you the slides.
Lister: He didn't, did he?
Kryten: He's been loading the projection carousel for twenty-four hours now.

Kryten: Oh, screw down my diodes and call me Frank!

Kryten: As far as we can tell, she's a she.
Lister: Oh that's great, isn't it? That's just typical. The first female company in three million years, and I look like something that belongs up a whale's nose.

Cat: Who cares? At last -- a date.
Lister: Who says she's going to be interested in you?
Cat: I see what you're saying. All that time alone in Deep Space could have driven her insane.
Lister: No. Say she's just an ordinary woman who doesn't go for your type.
Cat: No, I'd have heard about her. She'd have appeared in "Ripley's Believe It or Not."

Lister: I just think you're a bit cocky for a guy who's never actually met a real woman before.
Cat: I've seen mirrors. I have eyes. Face it, buddy, I have a body that makes men sweat. Have you ever heard of an animal called the Iranian jerd? It can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second.
Lister: So?
Cat: That's me in slo-mo. Put a Black and Decker drill on the end, I can make it through walls.

Kryten: With respect, sir, they're not androids. They're simulants.
Cat: What's the difference?
Kryten: Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.

Lister: There must be some way.
Holly: Oh, there is. All you have to do is hang around here for twenty-four hours. Then, if you suddenly turn round and find your limbs are scattered around Deep Space and your necks are full of saliva, you can take it as read it probably wasn't Babs.

Kryten: Simulants are almost indestructible, sir. It could easily withstand a volley of bazookoid fire at close range. It would certainly survive long enough to make balloon animals out of your lower intestines.

Cat: What a dilemma! Inside that pod is either death or a date. Personally, I'm prepared to take the risk.

Kryten: There's an old android saying, which, I believe,has particular relevance here. Goes like this: "If you don't gosub a program loop, you'll never get a subroutine."
Lister: We have a human saying that means the same thing: nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Kryten: I think the android one is punchier.

Rimmer's slide show:
Kryten: Sir, can we just take a break for a while? My intelligence circuits appear to have melted.
Rimmer: Well, we're not going to get through them all if we have a second break.
Kryten: Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.

Cat: So what did you do?
Lister: Well, I mean, like scrumping. I mean, when I was a kid, back in Liverpool, we all used to go scrumping.
Kryten: Stealing apples? That's hardly a crime.
Lister: Yeah, but me and me mates, we went scrumping for cars.
Rimmer: Did you get caught?
Lister: All the time. I was stupid.
Kryten: Well, that's no problem then. You've served your punishment.
Lister: Yeah, but there was other stuff as a kid. Stuff I didn't get caught for.
Rimmer: Like what?
Lister: There was one time at this hotel...
Kryten: Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels.
Lister: I took the bed. Winched it out of the window to my mate outside. I was renting this flat. It was unfurnished.
Rimmer: So you went to a hotel and stole the bed?
Lister: I stole the entire room, actually. Armchair, dressing-table, carpet. Even the fitted wardrobe. The only thing I didn't take were the towels.

Kryten: I wouldn't worry anout it, sir. I'm sure they're not interested in a minor misdemeanour you committed as an adolescent over three million years ago.
Lister: Seriously, Kryten, you reckon?
Kryten: Boy, I'm really getting the hang of this "lie mode." That was totally convincing, wasn't it?

Justice: The mechanoid Kryten: clearance granted. You are free to go about the complex. The creature known as Cat: clearance granted. The human known as Lister: despite a number of petty criminal acts, clearance granted. The hologrram known as Rimmer. Guilty of second-degree murder. One thousand, one hundred and sixty-seven counts.

Rimmer: I've never so much as returned a library book late. Second-degree murder? A thousand people? I would have remembered.
Justice: Your willful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate resulted in the deaths of the entire crew of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel the Red Dwarf.
Rimmer, after a pause: Oh, that.

Rimmer: Nine thousand years. Nine!
Lister: I brought you a book.
Rimmer: Oh, thanks. That'll help the centuries fly past.
Lister: Look, don't panic, man. We're going to get you out of here.
Rimmer: Why bother? I'll be up for parole in a couple of Ice Ages.

Kryten: It's a question of differentiating between guilt and culpability, sir. What the mind-probe detected was your own sense of guilt about the accident. In a way, you tried and convicted yourself. I simply have to establish you're a neurotic, under-achieving emotional retard whose ambition far outstrips his miniscule abilities and who consequently blames himself for an accident for which he could not possibly have been responsible.
Rimmer: You're going to try to prove that I was innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?
Cat: Man, there ain't a jury in the land that won't buy a plea like that.

Kryten: Name?
Lister: Dave Lister.
Kryten: Occupation?
Lister, after considering the question: Bum.

Kryten: Would you desribe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No, I would describe the accused as a git.
Kryten: Who would you say, then, is the person who thinks of him most fondly?
Lister: Me.
Kryten: And there are no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him?
Lister: Only one. But she's got a puncture.

Kryten: I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awsome stupidity -
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awsome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice: Overruled.
Kryten: An incompetent vending-machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice: If you object to your own counsel once more, Mr Rimmer, you'll be in contempt.
Kryten: Who would put this man, this joke of a man, a man who couldn't outwit a used tea bag, in a position of authority where he could wipe out an entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment. Defence rests.

Rimmer: Objection!
Kryten: Sir, what are you objecting to?
Rimmer: I want an apology.

Cat: Can I smell perfume?
Simulant: I doubt it.

Simulant: You have no weapon?
Lister: No. You have no weapon?
Simulant: No. (They approach each other.) Guess what? (Pulls out a knife.) I lied.
Lister: Guess what? So did I.
Simulant: But I lied twice. (Pulls out a gun.)
Lister: I didn't think of that.

Lister: Makes you think, doesn't it? Mankind's history has been one long search for justice. That's what all religions are about: they accept life as being basically unfair but promise everyone will get their just deserts later: heaven, hell, karma, reincarnation, whatever. Those guys who built the penal colony tried to give some order to the universe by creating the Justice Field. But when you're living in an enviroment where justice does exist, there's no free will. That's why in our universe there can never be true, eternal justice - good things will happen to bad people, and bad things will happen to good people. It's the way it's got to be. Life, by it's very nature, has to be cruel, unkind and unfair. (He falls down an open manhole cover.)
Cat: Thank God for that.

Pick an episode from the list on the left or
come back to the intro page for more options