Kryten

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Esperanto Woman: Mi esporas ke kiam vi venos la vetero estos milda.
Rimmer: Wait a minute, I know this one, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me!
Lister: I hope when you come the weather will be clement.
Esperanto Woman: I hope when you come the weather will be clement.
Rimmer: Lister, don't tell me. I could've got that.
Esperanto Woman: Bonvolu direkti min al kvinsela hotela?
Rimmer: Ah... I remember this from last time...
Lister: Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel?
Rimmer: Wrong, actually. Totally, utterly, and completely wrong.
Esperanto Woman: Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel?

Esperanto Woman: La mango estis bonega! Dlej korajin gratulonjn' al la kuristo.
Rimmer: I would like to purchase that orange inflatable beach ball and that small bucket and spade.
Esperanto Woman: The meal was splendid! My heartiest congratulations to the chef.
Rimmer: What? Pause!
Lister: Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto for eight years. How come you're so utterly useless?
Rimmer: Oh, it speaks! And how many books have you read in your entire life? The same number as Champion the Wonder Horse: zero!
Lister: I've read books.
Rimmer: Uh, Lister, we're not talking about books where the main character is a dog called "Ben."
Lister: I went to Art College!
Rimmer: You?
Lister: Yeah!
Rimmer: How did you get into Art College?
Lister: The normal way you get into Art College. The same old, usual, normal, boring you get in. Failed me exams and applied. They snapped me up.
Rimmer: Ah, but you didn't get a degree, did you?
Lister: No, I dropped out. I wasn't in long.
Rimmer: How long?
Lister: 97 minutes. I thought it was going to be a good skive and all that, you know? But I took one look at the time table and just checked out, man. I mean, it was ridiculous. They had, they had lectures at, like, first thing, in the afternoon. We're talking half-past twelve everyday. Who's together by then? You can still taste the toothpaste.

Rimmer: Holly, as the Esperantinos would say, "Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston? Lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!" And I think we all know what that means.
Holly: Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter? There appears to be a frog in my bidet."

Holly: I'm not bored. I've had a really busy morning. I've devised a system to totally revolutionize music.
Lister: Get out of town!
Holly: Yeah, I've decimalized it. Instead of the octave, it's the decatave. And I've invented two new notes, H and J.
Lister: Hang on a minute, you can't just invent new notes.
Holly: Well I have. Now it goes, "Do Re Mi Fa So La Wo Bo Ti Do."
Rimmer: What are you drivelling about?
Holly: Holrock. It'll be a whole new sound. All the instruments will be extra big to incorporate my two new notes. Triangles will have four sides. Piano keyboards the length of zebra crossings. 'Course, women will have to be banned from playing the cello.

Lister: Oh god, aliens? Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well.
Rimmer: Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?
Lister: Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?
Rimmer: Just 'cause they're aliens doesn't mean to say they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably do something weird and alienesque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.
Lister: Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema.

Holly: No, they're from Earth. I hope they've got some spare odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies.
Lister: Like what?
Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister, staring at his cup of tea: Dog's milk?!
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off it takes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Holly?!
Holly: What, and spoil your tea?

Cat:: Is that female as in "soft and squidgy"?

Rimmer: Tell them we're coming aboard. By God, we'll rescue these fair blooms or my name's not Captain A.J. Rimmer, Space Adventurer.
Kryten: Thank you, Captain.
Lister: "Space Adventurer?"
Rimmer: What was I supposed to say? "Fear not, I'm the bloke you used to clean the gunk out the chicken soup machine, actually, we know sod-all about space travel but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!"

Cat: Hey, I'm so excited all six of my nipples are tingling!

Rimmer: That t-shirt with only two curry stains on the front of it. You only wear that on special occasions.

Rimmer:It's always the same when we meet girls. Put me down and make yourself look good.
Lister: Like when?
Rimmer: Remember those two little brunettes from supplies? And I told them I worked in stores and they were really interested and asked me exactly what I did there.
Lister: And I said you were a shelf.

Rimmer: For a start, don't call me "Rimmer."
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because you always put the emphasis on "Rim" in "Rimmer." Makes me sound like a lavatory disinfectant.
Lister: Well what do you want me to call you? "Rim-MER?"
Rimmer: I don't know. Um, "Arnie," "Arn," uh, something with a little more... I don't know. How about "Big Man?"
Lister: "Big Man?"
Rimmer: Or what about the nickname I had at school?
Lister: What? "Bonehead?"
Rimmer: How did you know my nickname was "Bonehead"?
Lister: I was only guessing.
Rimmer: I didn't mean that. I meant the other one.
Lister: What other one?
Rimmer: "Ace"!
Lister: Get out of town! Your nickname was never "Ace"! Maybe "Ace-hole."

Kryten and the three skeletons: Come along, everybody! They're here! They're in orbit! Miss Jane! What a mess you look! (Brushes the wig and applies lipstick to the skull.) Smart but casual. Miss Anne! Why, you haven't touched your soup! No wonder you're beginning to look so pasty. (The skeleton falls face-forward into the bowl of soup.) Oh, do eat nicely, Miss Anne! What on Earth will the visitors think if they see you eating like that? Hmm? Ah, Miss Tracy. No, you look absolutely perfect.

Cat:: Aaaaoow! Hi, monkeys! Meet a plastic surgeon's nightmare!
Rimmer: A spacesuit with cufflinks?

Lister: What are you doing, Hol?
Holly: What? What's wrong?
Lister: The rug, man. Why are you wearing a toupee?
Holly: What toupee?
Lister: The one on your head.
Holly: Whose head's that, then?
Lister: Your head. It makes you look like a game show host.

Holly: Oh, yeah? What about you and the socks?
Lister: What socks?
Rimmer: Come on, we can't hang about.
Holly: He ordered two pairs of socks.
Lister: What for?
Holly: One pair to put on his feet and the other pair to roll up and put down his trousers.

Lister: Well... it's a bit difficult to know what to say. Isn't it, Ace?
Kryten: Well, isn't anybody going to say hello?
Lister to Rimmer: I think the blonde one's giving you the eye.

Rimmer: Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years and it's the android version of Norman Bates.

Lister: Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or place to say this but my mate, Ace, here is incredibly, 'credibly brave!
Rimmer: Smeg off, dog food face!
Lister: And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends!

Kryten: Well, is anything the matter?
Rimmer: Anything the matter?? They're dead.
Kryten: Who's dead?
Rimmer: They are dead. They're all dead.
Kryten: My God! I was only away two minutes!

Kryten: Are you a doctor?
Rimmer: You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget!

Lister: I think the first thing we should do is bury them.
Kryten: You're that sure they're dead?
Rimmer: Yes!!
Kryten: What about this one?
Rimmer: There's a simple test. All right, girls, hands up, those of you who are alive.

Lister: What are these?
Kryten: Your boxer shorts, Mister David, sir.
Lister: No way are these my boxer shorts. These bend!

Lister: But where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it?
Kryten: I threw it away, sir.
Lister: But I was breeding that mould. His name was Albert. I was trying to get him two foot high.

Lister: "Androids" and being asleep? Sounds like a crazy, fun-packed life you lead there, Kryten, me old son.

Lister: "Mister Arnold" isn't his name. His name's "Rimmer." Or "Smeghead," or "Dinosaur Breath" or "Molecule Mind." And on a really special occasion when you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten, we're talking MEGA-polite, in those exceptional circumstances, you can call him "Ace-hole."

Cat:: You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? "Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it, yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"

Kryten: Mister David was kind enough to take me to see "The Wild Ones," "Easy Rider," and "Rebel Without a Cause."
Lister: I thought it might do him some good. Fat chance. In the middle of Marlon Brando's rebel speech, he gets out a brush-a-matic and starts doing me lapels!

Rimmer: What are you doing?
Kryten: I, um, I think I'm, uh, rebelling.
Rimmer: Rebelling?!
Kryten: Yes, I, uh, I I I I think that's what I'm doing.
Rimmer: You are rebelling?
Kryten: Mmmm... yes.
Rimmer: What are you rebelling against?
Kryten: Whaddya got? Dinosaur Breath! Molecule Mind! Smeg-for-brains! (To Lister) I need your bike.
Lister: You got it!
Kryten to Rimmer: Swivel on it, punk! (Rides off in leather on Lister's bike)

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