Me²

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Lister: "Astronavigation and Invisible Numbers and Engineering Structure Made Simple." That's Rimmer's. Aha! "The Pop-Up Kama Sutra - Zero Gravity Edition!" That's mine!

Rimmer: Uh, what about these posters?
Lister: Whoah, they're mine!
Rimmer: I know, but the Blu-Tac is mine.
Lister: You want to take the Blu-Tac?
Rimmer: Well, it is mine. I did pay for it with my money.

Lister: Me? What did I do?
Rimmer: You hummed. Maliciously and persistently for two years. Every time I sat down to do some revision: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Lister: Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?
Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.
Lister: Like what?
Rimmer: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.
Lister: I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
Rimmer: Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable so instead of taking my Engineering Finals, I went swimming.
Lister: The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back in the right place.
Rimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
Lister: Come on! That was a joke.
Rimmer: Yes, Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.

Cat: Oooooowwww! Hey, I'm looking so good today! If I looked any better, I'd be illegal! Hello, hello! Testing, testing! One, one, one. Me, me, me! Attention, all lady cats! I am feeling very, very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available! Please form a queue! No squabbling! This is your lucky day!

Rimmer's degrees:
Holly: "BSc, SSc"? What's that?
Lister: Bronze Swimming certificate and Silver Swimming certificate.

Rimmer's last words before his death: Gazpacho soup.

Lister: Cat, what are you doing?
Cat: I'm courting.
Lister: Courting who?
Cat: Whoever shows up.
Lister: I told you before. There's no other cats on board.
Cat: If I believed that for one minute, I'd go crazy!

Rimmer 2: Stretch further!
Rimmer: And rest!
Rimmer 2: No! Keep jumping!
Rimmer: Absolutely. Keep on going. Through the pain barrier.
Rimmer 2: Jump, jump, jump!
Rimmer: And rest!
Rimmer 2: What are you doing, man?
Rimmer: I'm resting! It's going all gray!

Rimmer 2: What time do we get up?
Rimmer: Oh, early! Half past eight.
Rimmer 2: No, earlier than that. Seven.
Rimmer: How 'bout six?
Rimmer 2: No, half past four.
Rimmer: That's the middle of the night!
Rimmer 2: You wanted driving. I'm driving you.
Rimmer: Once again, Arnold, you're absolutely right. Holly, alarm call four-thirty in the morning. Make it the sonic boom, extra loud, emergency one.
Holly: Yes, Arnold. And Arnold.
Rimmer 2: Uh, what are you doing, Arnold?
Rimmer: I'm going to bed, Arnold.
Rimmer 2: But it's two in the morning! We can get in a couple hours of revision easily.
Rimmer: But I'm getting up in a minute.
Rimmer 2: You take Power Circuits and Esperanto. I'll take Thermal Energy and the History of Philosophy.
Rimmer: Fantastic! This is what I've always dreamed of! I'm in heaven!
Rimmer 2: Better than sex.

Lister: What are you doing?
Rimmer: It's called "work," Lister. I didn't think you'd recognize it. W-O-R-K. It is in the dictionary. (To the scutters) Come on, paint! Paint, paint, paint!
Lister: But why are they painting the colour the same colour it was before?
Rimmer: They're changing it from Ocean Gray to Military Gray. Something that should've been done a long time ago.
Lister: Looks exactly the same to me.
Rimmer: No. No no no. That's the new Military Gray bit there, and that's the dowdy, old, nasty Ocean Gray bit there. Or is it the other way round?

Lister: It just seemed like such a strange thing to say. "Gazpacho soup."
Rimmer: Well, I'm sorry I didn't have time to sit down and bash out a speech in iambic pentameter.

Cat, slinking out of Rimmer's closet: Heh. He won't find that one. Heh heh! Not until he changes his boots. Heh heh! (He sees Lister, and holds up a hand to hide his face) Oh! Did you see him clearly? Could you spot him in a parade? I don't think so. I could've been anybody.

Holly: They're from the NorWEB Federation.
Lister: What's that?
Holly: NorthWestern Electricity Board. They want you, Dave.
Lister: Me? Why? What for?
Holly: For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: You what?!
Holly: Seems when you left Earth, three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.
Lister: Did I?
Holly: You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?
Lister: Yeh, they go mouldy.
Holly: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also, you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you hoarded it for three million years, nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB.
Lister: Why NorWEB?
Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds.
Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds!! You're kidding!
Holly, wearing glasses, nose and moustache: April Fool.
Lister: But it's not April!
Holly: Yeah, I know. But I can't be waiting six months with a red-hot jape like that underneath me hat.

Lister's verse to choose which Rimmer to erase: Ippy-dippy, my space shippy, on a course so true, past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you.

Rimmer: I don't believe it. I've been ippy-dippied to death.

Rimmer: I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you. Gazpacho soup. It was the greatest night of my life. I'd been invited to the Captain's Table. I'd only been with the company fourteen years. Six officers and me! They called me "Arnold." We had gazpacho soup for starters. I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and I told him to take it away and bring it back hot. He did. The looks on their faces still haunt me today! I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time,d they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup. I never ate at the Captain's Table again. That was the end of my career.
Lister: Oh, come on. Anyone could've made that mistake.
Rimmer: If only they'd've mentioned it in Basic Training! Instead of climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels. If only, just once, they'd said, "Gazpacho soup is served cold!" I could've been an admiral by now!

Lister: Rimmer, I promise - I swear - I will never, ever mention this conversation again. And when I swear, I mean it.
Rimmer: You promise?
Lister: I promise.
Rimmer: Do you swear absolutely?
Lister: I swear absolutely that I promise that I will never mention gazpacho soup again!
Rimmer: All right. You're a bit of a slob, Lister, you know, but, when it comes down to it, you keep your word. This time I'm gonna believe you. Let's go for another drink.
Lister: Souper!

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