Parallel Universe

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Rimmer: Well, things were a little bit stilted in the taxi. All my jokes about her nose hadn't gone down too well. And they were good gags, I mean quality gags like, "Where are we going? Who nose." No cheap shots. Anyway, when we got to the restaurant, she must have had an attack of nerves or something. She said she was going to the loo and ended up climbing out of the toilet window.
Lister: I wonder why.
Rimmer: It's not cuz she didn't want to see me, Lister. She phoned the next day and said how much she'd love to come on another date with me, only suddenly she had to move to Pluto.

Rimmer, demonstrating his pick-up line: OK, in a bar, on your own. Excuse me, would you like to join me for a cocktail?
Lister: No.
Rimmer: You can't say "no." It doesn't work when you say "no." You've got to say "yes."
Lister: Oh, right. Okay. Go on, go on.
Rimmer: So, would you like a wormdo?
Lister: What's that, then?
Rimmer: What's what?
Lister: A wormdo.
Rimmer: What about it?
Lister: Is this still the opening line?
Rimmer: But you're not giving me the right replies!
Lister: What is the right reply?
Rimmer: I come up to you and say, "Excuse me, would you like to join me in a cocktail?" You say, "Yes." I say, "Would you like a wormdo?" You say, "What's a wormdo?" And I say -
Lister: "Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that!"

Holly: The Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich, Samuel Morse invented the Morse Code, Plato invented the plate, and now I, Holly, have invented the Holly Hop Drive.

Holly: What do you think?
Lister: It's just a box with "STOP" and "START" on it.
Holly: It's fairly straightforward. If you want to start it, you press "START," and you can work out the rest of the controls for yourself.

Holly: It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5 -

Holly: I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed-up.
Rimmer: What?
Holly: It's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger.

Rimmer: What's the fifth dimension?
Lister: Didn't they get to Number Six with that "Baby I Want Your Love Thing?"
Holly: You've got your basic dimensions, right, length, breadth, depth and time. The fifth dimension is co-existing realities, two bodies who share the same space but are unaware of each other's existence.
Rimmer: Sounds like my parents in bed.

Rimmer: Will they be be exactly the same as us?
Holly: No, there will be differences. This is a parallel universe, innit?
Rimmer: What do you mean?
Holly: Well, for instance, in this universe, it could be that Hitler won the Second World War. It could be something even more incredible, like perhaps Ringo was a really good drummer.

Lister: So you come from a female-orientated society?
Debbie Lister: Well, it's not exactly female-orientated anymore, not since the sixties. You know, the equal-rights-for-men marches. You know, they burned their jockstraps and all that.
Lister: Stop!
Debbie: Haven't you read "The Male Eunuch" by Jeremy Greer?
Lister: So, your history is parallel to ours as well? So, hang on... erm, who was the first person on the moon?
Debbie: Nellie Armstrong.
Lister: Nellie Armstrong? So... who wrote Hamlet?
Arlene:: Will Shakespeare.
Lister: Ah, so he was a bloke.
Debbie: No, she was a woman. Wilma Shakespeare.
Arlene:: Yeah, she wrote all the greats: "Racheal the Third," "The Taming of the Shrimp."
Rimmer: My God, what's this?
Arlene:: Oh, "Camera Monthly" magazine.
Rimmer: But, it's disgusting! It's full of semi-naked blokes draping themselves over sports cars.
Arlene:: What's wrong with that? You're not one of those boring masculinists, are you?
Lister: So, sexual attitudes are opposite as well?
Arlene:: What was that, my little cupcake?
Lister: Your little what??
Rimmer: But, it just looks ridiculous! I mean, these models are deformed! Hugely deformed. It makes one feel quite... inadequate.

Debbie: I think he's in for a bit of a shock.
Lister: Why?
Debbie: His opposite isn't female.
Lister: What is it?
Debbie: It's a dog.

Cat: What kind of toothpaste does he use? Rotting meat flavour?
Dog: Oh, come on now. I wanna be your buddy! Tell you what, I'm gonna smell your behind, and you can smell mine! Now, is that a deal?
Cat: You wanna smell my WHAT!?
Dog: Why sure! Don't you wanna smell me?
Cat: Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars! When was the last time you took a bath?
Dog: Oh please, don't say that word!
Cat: What, bath?
Dog: You said it again! Now listen up. If y'all gonna say that word in front of me, please spell it.
Cat: When was the last time you took a B - A - T - H?
Dog: What's that?

Arlene:: Mind you, we've got a pretty good conversation going on here.
Rimmer: Oh, yes, yes.
Arlene:: Absolutely.
Rimmer: Funny, really. I'm not normally good at talking to the opposite sex.
Arlene:: No, I'm not. I run out of things to say.
(a long pause)
Rimmer: Me, too.
(a long pause)
Rimmer: So, you're a girl, then?
Arlene:: Yes.

Arlene:: C'mon, you're interested.
Rimmer: I assure you, I'm not.
Arlene:: Why are you giving me all the signs, then?
Rimmer: What signs?
Arlene:: Wearing such tight-fit trousers?
Rimmer: They're not tight.
Arlene:: Of course they are. You're begging for it.
Rimmer: I'm not "tottie," and I'm not begging for anything!
Arlene:: C'mon, give us a snog! I promise I won't try and take off your underpants.
Rimmer: Look, I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind of g- boy.
Arlene:: Frigid!
Rimmer: You're disgusting! You're only after me for one thing!
Arlene:: Why? How many have you got?

Lister: She's unbelievable. She tried to impress me by drinking six pints of lager, then belching the whole of "Yankee Doodle Dandy."
Rimmer: That's your party piece, isn't it?
Lister: Yeah, but when I do it, it's really stylish, man.

Debbie: Rimmer, he's not interested.
Arlene:: Maybe not now, but wait till I give him the wormdo line.

Rimmer: Holly, how long before the Hop Drive's fixed? When can we get out of here?
Holly: We're busy fixing it right now. Aren't we, Hilly?
Hilly: Yes, we are, Holly. Very busy fixing it right now. That's exactly what we're doing.
Lister: What's that mark on your face, Hol?
Holly: What face?
Lister: The lipstick mark.
Hilly: That's not a lipstick mark. That's a computer rash.

Lister: C'mon, what are you, a man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: "I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!"

Arlene:: In my bunk? On my sheets, using my springs. What could possibly have made you contemplate making love to yourself?
Rimmer: Well, why break a habit of a lifetime?

Lister: How could you do this to me?
Debbie: Do what?
Lister: Fertilise me. Take advantage of me. Knowing that I was drunk and didn't have precautions.
Debbie: Listen, I assumed you'd taken care of that side of things. It's the man's responsibility. It's the man who gets pregnant. It's the man who has to suffer the agony of childbirth.
Rimmer: Agony! This gets better and better!
Debbie: Well, what do you want me to do? I'm sorry, okay?
Lister: Sorry? That's it? Sorry? Wham, bang, thank you mister?

Cat: You're thinking too negative! Think of all the glorious, beautiful, wonderous things about having children!
Lister: Like...?
Cat: Like when they grow up and leave home.

Rimmer, watching the pregnancy test: Oh, it's changing colour!
Lister: What colour?
Rimmer: Yes, it is! It's changing colour!
Lister: What colour?
Rimmer: Yes, it's changing colour!
Lister: What colour?!
Rimmer: It's blue for not pregnant, right?
Lister: Yes!
Rimmer: Oh, good news, excellent news, Listy!
Lister: Oh, thank God!
Rimmer: I'm going to be an uncle.

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