Stasis Leak

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Rimmer: Sir, I wish to place on record that Third Technician Lister, David, smuggled aboard the mining vessel Red Dwarf a consignment of a hallucinogenic fungi, "Titan Mushrooms," more popularly known to the space beatnik community as "Freaky Fungus."
Captain Hollister: Is this true?
Lister: Erm, sort of.
Rimmer: And on the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hours, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. -
Hollister: For crying out loud, Rimmer!
Rimmer: - the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.
Hollister: Okay, I'm getting the picture.
Rimmer: Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J., experienced what can only be described as a voyage to trip-out city. To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.
Hollister: Lister, is this true?
Lister: No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.
Rimmer: The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychedelic breakfast, he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous.
Hollister: You'd better have a good reason for this, Lister.
Lister: I have, sir.
Hollister: Why'd you do it?
Lister: I thought it'd be a laugh.

Rimmer: Eight weeks PD! How come I get eight weeks and you get only two? What did I do to deserve that? What did I do?
Lister: You shouldn't have stuck your pencil up his nose.
Rimmer: It was the rubber end! Plus, the doctor will get it out in no time.
Lister: You ripped up and ate his wife's photograph.
Rimmer: I didn't know it was his wife. I thought it was a publicity shot for "Planet Of The Apes."

Rimmer: Good book?
Lister: Yeah, it's alright.
Rimmer: I didn't think you read.
Lister: Not much, but this is good.
Rimmer: What is it?
Lister: It's your diary.
Rimmer: What??
Lister: I didn't know you sent secret love letters to Carol McCauley.
Rimmer: Lister, that is my private, personal, private diary; full of my personal, private, personal things.
Cat: It's gone public.
Rimmer: I don't believe it! You've been reading that to the Cat?
Cat: Only the best bits!

Lister: It's no big deal, you know. You can read my diary.
Rimmer: Who'd want to read your diary? It's full of puerile nonsense about Kristine Kochanski.
Lister: Ah, so you've read my diary.
Rimmer: Yes, but at least I have the common decency to do it sneakily behind your back.

Cat: There's a wise old Cat saying which I think applies in this situation. It goes: "What are you talking about, dog-breath?"

Holly: All right, dudes. What's going down in groove town then?

Lister: What's a stasis leak?
Holly: Um, well, very, very basically, putting it as simply as I can for your average layman to comprehend, a stasis leak is a leak, right, in stasis, hence the name "a stasis leak."
Lister: You don't know, do you, Hol?
Holly: No, I don't.

Rimmer: How come he never, ever knows anything? He's supposed to have an I.Q. of six thousand!
Holly: Six thousand's not that much. It's only the same IQ as twelve thousand car park attendants.
Rimmer: But you don't know anything.
Holly: Listen, I happen to be one of the sleekest, most sophisticated computers ever devised by man. I'm the nearest thing you can get to infullible.
Lister: Infallible.
Holly: Exactly.

Cat to Rimmer: What is it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat to Lister: What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat to Rimmer: What is it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat to Lister: What is it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?

Lister: Where are you coming from, Rimmer? You don't even like me.
Rimmer: Don't I?
Lister: No.
Rimmer: Fine.
Lister: You don't though, do you? You don't even like me.

Rimmer: That's what you think, is it?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: I will tell you something that will probably stun you rigid.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: You're right. I don't like you.

Rimmer: Everything always goes wrong for me. I'm probably the only person in the world to buy a Topic Bar without a single hazelnut in it.

Rimmer: Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall so he could hurl himself over it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper.

Rimmer: I could bring me back! There'd be two me's - a dead me and a living me! One for the week and one for Sunday best!

Lister: Put this on.
Cat: What?
Lister: You'll stand out a mile like that.
Cat: I wouldn't use this to buff my shoes!
Lister: Look, you can't walk round a mining ship looking like a finalist from "Come Jiving."
Cat: But then everyone will think I'm just an ordinary person!
Lister: That's the point.
Cat: They won't look at me and say "Who's that guy? He's gorgeous!"
Lister: Put it on.
Cat: Ugh. Well, maybe if I widen the lapels a bit, put in a couple of spangles and sequins and shoulder-pads...

Holly: I don't like being a watch, dangling about all sideways and upside down. And give me fair warning before you put your hand in your pocket. Gave me such a fright last time, that huge liquorice allsort covered in fluff.

Cat, to man taking a shower: Never mind. It's the personality that counts.

Peterson: Felicitations, beautiful ladies. Back from planet-leave? Let me take those heavy cases. My name is Olaf Petersen. I am very good in bed.

Cat: Waaaooow! I've never been this close to women before! It makes me wanna do something. I don't know what it is, but I want to do a lot of it!

Rimmer's head: I found a stasis leak on floor sixteen. I'm dead now, and you're not, but if I save you, you won't die, so I won't die, and you won't be dead either, and neither will I.
Rimmer of the past: I may as well tell you right away, I know what you are.
Rimmer: You do?
Rimmer of the past: You're a mushroom, aren't you?
Rimmer: What?
Rimmer of the past: A hallucination. Go away.
Rimmer: No, look. I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you, in three million years you'll be dead.
Rimmer of the past: Will I really?
Rimmer: Yes. unless you do something about it now.
Rimmer of the past: Well, what do you suggest, give up white bread? More roughage?

Suitcase: Have you seen a man who's lost his luggage, about 5 foot 10, mousy hair?
Cat: No, I haven't.
Suitcase: Oh, no. I bet they've sent him to the wrong bloody airport again!

Lister: Why do women always leave me for total smegheads? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtleneck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean, natural yoghurt eaters! Reliable, sensible, dependable, and lots of other words that end in "-ible." He's obsessed with house-prices, and spends half his life in antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking wine. It's never beer, is it, it's always wi-ine! "What do you want on your cornflakes, darling?" "Oh, I'll have some wine, please!" Smeg!
Cat: You can tell all that, just from a photograph?

Holly: I was in love once - a Sinclair ZX-81. People said, "No, Holly, she's not for you." She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't load - well, not for me, anyway.
Lister: What are you trying to say, Hol?
Holly: What I'm saying, Dave, is that it's better to have loved and to have lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
Cat: Why's that?
Holly: Anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

Lister of the future: Look look look, listen. In five years time, you find another way to come back in time.
Lister: So it does work out?
Kochanski: Eventually.
Lister: So how about a frenchie from me future bride?

Lister: So, listen, man. You've lived my life for the last five years. So, what's the single most important piece of advice that you can give me?
Lister of the future: Er.. Oh, yeah. Three years from now, you'll go through a cosmic storm and end up in a parallel universe. You'll materialise on an exact replica of Earth in the year 1989. You'll want to go to the theatre. Whatever you do, don't go and see "Run For Your Wife."

Rimmer of the past: Three Listers!! Splendid! Perhaps Lister here would like to go over to the fridge and open a bottle of wine for Lister and Lister! Rimmer here doesn't drink, because he's dead, but I wouldn't mind a glass!!

Rimmer of the future: I'm the Rimmer who's with the Lister who married Kochanski. Now, from this point on, things get a little bit confusing...
Rimmer of the past: Please! Before anyone says anything else, I'd just like to make a little speech. GO AWAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!

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