The End

Back to RD intro page

Rimmer: Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!
Lister: Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again.
Rimmer: Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.
Lister: You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish" four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.

Rimmer: Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?
Lister: No, it's a chicken.

Lister: You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy, 'cause he's such a smeghead.
Rimmer to Todhunter: Did you hear that, Sir? (To Lister) Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
Todhunter: Oh, Rimmer, you are a smeghead.

Rimmer: This is not cheating! It's merely an aid to memory. Helps me marshall the facts already in my command.
Lister: What does? Copying the entire textbooks onto your body? Why don't you hand your body in and let them mark that?
Rimmer: Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't Academy educated? Someone who didn't have the right nobby background? Someone who didn't have the right parents?
Lister: You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?
Rimmer: My parents. The wrong parents.

Lister: I'm going to buy meself a little farm on Fiji. And I'm going to get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.
Rimmer: With a sheep and a cow?
Lister: No, with horses and horses.
Rimmer: On Fiji?
Lister: Yeah! The prices there are unbelievable.
Rimmer: Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji's three feet below sea level!
Lister: It's only three feet. They can wade. That's why the animals are gonna have to be quite tall.
Rimmer: Nice plan, Lister. Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy them water-wings? Fit them with stilts? Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton.

Peterson: Have you read Rimmer's arm?
Chen: No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!

MacIntyre (a hologram): This must seem pretty spooky for everyone, but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages. I think Joe knows what I'm talking about.

Rimmer: Right. They're bound to ask the right thigh, which is 10 percent. They must ask the left thigh, which is 20 percent. They've got to ask one of the forearms. Which means I've passed already! Anything on the left shin's a bonus! Right. CUTIE: Current under tension is ... what's this? Current under tension is equal? Current under tension is expandable? Current under tension is expensive? What does this mean? What does any of it mean? I've covered my body in complete and utter and total absolute nonsense gibberish! Aaaargh!!

Lister: You asked to see me, Captain?
Captain Hollister: Where's the cat?
Lister: What? What cat?
Hollister: Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring aboard an unquarantined animal and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship - not only that - but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now, I'm going to ask you again, do you have a cat?
Lister: No.
Hollister, holding up the photo: Have you got a cat?
Lister: Er, yes, that one.

Lister: Sir, just suppose I did have a cat. Just suppose. What would you do with Frankenstein?
Hollister: I'd send it down to the medical centre, and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it.
Lister: Would you put it back together when you'd finished?
Hollister: Lister, the cat would be dead.
Lister: So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?

Holly: Good morning, Dave. It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.
Lister: Haven't I just gone in?
Holly: Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing.
Lister: Where is everybody, Hol?
Holly: They're dead, Dave.
Lister: Who is?
Holly: Everybody, Dave.
Lister: What, Captain Hollister?
Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: What, Todhunter?
Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: What, Selby?
Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: Petersen isn't, is he?
Holly: Everybody is dead, Dave.
Lister: Not Chen?
Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: Rimmer?
Holly: He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!
Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
Holly: I wish I'd never let him out in the first place.

Lister: Oh, this is terrible. And why is it so dirty around here, Hol? What is this stuff?
Holly: That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen.
Lister: Aaaah! I've been eating half the crew!

Lister: How long was I in stasis?
Holly: Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level.
Lister: How long?
Holly: Three million years.
Lister: Three million years?! ... I've still got that library book. And what about Krissie? What about Krissie Kochanski?
Holly: She's dead, Dave.
Lister: Oh, hey!
Holly: I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable.
Lister: She was part of me plan. I never got round to telling her, but she was going to come with me to Fiji. She was going to wear a white dress and ride the horses and I was going to take care of everything else. It was me plan. I planned it.
Holly: Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now. Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.
Lister: Holly!
Holly: Sorry. I'm sorry about that. I've been on my own for three million years, and I'm just used to saying what I think.

Lister: What's it feel like?
Rimmer: Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

Lister: Come on, Rimmer, look on the bright side.
Rimmer: The bright side? What bright side? I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of light, and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana. Where's the bright side?

Cat: Looking nice. No, wait a minute. I'm looking better than nice. I'm looking dangerous. Aaaoooww, dangerous! Aaaooowww! Hey, what's that? Oh, it's my shadow. Hey, even my shadow's looking nice! I'm looking nice, my shadow's looking nice - what a team!

Cat, seeing Lister and Rimmer: Uh oh. Better make myself look big!

Pick an episode from the list on the left or
come back to the intro page for more options