Seinfeld Quote Collection

Jerry on socks: The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They plan it in the hamper the night before. "Tomorrow, the dryer. I'm going."
The Seinfeld Chronicles

George: We have to talk.
Jerry: The four worst words in the English language.
George: Either that, or, "Whose bra is this?
Male Unbonding

Jerry on Uncle Leo: He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess it's because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
The Pony Remark

Elaine: He said he'd give me a lift.
Jerry: Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the siren's song, never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist?
The Jacket

Elaine: You don't have an old pair [of glasses]?
George: I broke them playing basketball.
Jerry: He was running from a bee.
The Air Conditioner

Kramer: Retail is for suckers.
The Air Conditioner

Jerry: So go to a clinic, get your sperm county checked.
Kramer: Yeah, but then I'd have to - you know - into a cup in the middle of the day!
Elaine: Does that conflict with your regular schedule?

Kramer: My boys need a house.
Elaine: That's nice.

Jerry on George: You know, it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could have been normal.

George: There's nothing I can do. It's a machine! The little light is blinking right now. "Come and listen to the idiot! Hey everybody, the idiot's on!"
Jerry: After one date you try and improvise on a machine??
The Phone Message

Donna, who likes the pants commercial: You didn't have to tell your friends.
Jerry: No, I had to tell my friends. My friends didn't have to tell you.
The Phone Message

Jerry: People don't turn down money. It's what separates us from the animals.
The Apartment

Elaine: From a distance, you seem to be coming on to her.
Jerry: I'm a guy. It always seems like that.
The Apartment

George: I told her [Elaine] what a sexist he is, and how he cheats on his wife.
Jerry: She knew that.
George: But she didn't know he doesn't recycle.
The Revenge

Elaine (flirting): I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils.
Doctor: That's interesting, because no one in my family has tonsils,and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people.
Jerry: Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.
The Heart Attack

Jerry: Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body, we just want the body.
The Heart Attack

Jerry: I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.
Elaine: I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter.
Jerry: I remember that it's a good thing. And someday I hope to do it again.
The Deal

Jerry: I mean really, what is the big deal? We go in there, we're in there for a while, then we come back out here. That's not complicated.
The Deal

Jerry: Sleep is separate from That, and I don't see how sleep got all tied up and connected with That.
The Deal

George: See, that's why I don't have cable in my house - the naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pyjamas with drool coming down my face.
The Deal

Elaine: Why can't I meet a Kennedy? I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the... ding... it didn't stop.
The Baby Shower

George: We are living in a society!!
The Chinese Restaurant

Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember it was such a special treat, you go and they serve you this different food you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure. And now, I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.
The Chinese Restaurant

Jerry: I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
The Chinese Restaurant

Elaine to Jerry: You know, just when I think you're the shallowest man I know, you somehow manage to drain a little bit more out of the pool.
The Implant

Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint -it's delicious!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!
The Junior Mints

Woman on subway: I don't talk to anyone on the subway for 35 years, I get the best man at a lesbian wedding.
Elaine: I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!

Jerry: Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country??
The Pony Remark

Jerry: Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail.
The Visa

Jerry: Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
The Baby Shower

Jerry: I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it.
The Phone Message

Elaine: Jerry drinks 'Morning Thunder.'
George: But 'Morning Thunder' has caffeine in it. Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.
Elaine: Jerry doesn't know 'Morning Thunder' has caffeine in it.
The Dog

Jerry's pick-up line: You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.
The Nose Job

Naomi: I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.
The Visa

Jerry: He lives in a bubble.
George: Boy!
The Bubble Boy

Bubble Boy: MOORS!!
George: MOOPS!!
The Bubble Boy

George: That's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there.
Jerry: They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry blackberry.
George: Blackberry boysenberry.
Jerry: Boysenberry huckleberry.
George: Huckleberry raspberry.
Jerry: Raspberry strawberry.
George: Strawberry cranberry.
Jerry, after a pause: Peach.
The Bubble Boy

Girlfriend's Brother: You double dipped a chip! Next time, just take one dip, and end it!!
The Implant

Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.
The Fix-Up

Elaine: It's so sad. All your knowledge of high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
The Opera

Jerry: I like this opera crowd. I feel tough.
The Opera

George: You want the truth? It is the chopsticks! But it's more than that - you're pretentious! You call my doorman Sammy 'Samuel,' but you can't say 'Samuel,' you say 'Sam-u-ell!!
The Truth

Elaine: STELLA!!!!
The Pen

Elaine: Maybe the dingo's got your baby!
The Stranded

Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty.
The Alternate Side

Newman: Jerry, I'm a little insulted.
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.
The Label Maker

George: The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli...
The Marine Biologist

Jerry: Oh, you're pooh-poohing?
Kramer: Yes, I pooh-pooh.

Jerry: When somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.
The Smelly Car

Art lover, looking at picture of Kramer: He is a loathsome offensive brute, yet I can't look away!
The Letter

Babu: Where are people?? Show me people!!
The Cafe

Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works. The window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... Or is that you?
Elaine: Gimme ten bucks and find out.
The Airport

Jerry: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. Cuz a girl runs like a girl - with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!
The Airport

Jerry: All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.
George: Fine.
Jerry: They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?
George: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
Jerry: But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!
George: I'm wearing a little hat, I'm jumping through fire.. They're putting their little alien heads in my mouth...
Jerry: At least it's show business...
George: But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to, uh... you know, get me to mate.
Jerry: What if she's got no interest in you?
George: Then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.
The Bizarro Jerry

Jerry: She had man hands.
Elaine: Man hands?
Jerry: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
Elaine: Would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?
Jerry: Would she have hooks?
The Bizarro Jerry

Elaine: Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They read.
Jerry: I read.
Elaine: Books, Jerry.
Jerry: Oh.
The Bizarro Jerry

Elaine: I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the excruciating minutia of every single daily event...
The Bizarro Jerry

George: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
Jerry: Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling.
The Junior Mint

George: Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything.
Jerry: You know I have friends who try to base their whole life on that principle.
George: Really? Who?
Jerry: Nobody you know.

Jerry: What, you rented Home Alone?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: I thought you saw that already.
George: No, I saw Home Alone II.
Jerry: Oh, right. But you hated it!
George: Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, do you mind if I watch it here?
Jerry: What for?
George: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house. I'm doing something.

Elaine: I don't want to go to a miniplex multi-theater!
George: It's the same movie! What's the difference?
Elaine: It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.
The Movie

Elaine: You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
George: So what's your point?
The Movie

George: No, everything is not going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand? Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand - no hand at all.
The Pez

Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, "Serenity now!"
George: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
The Serenity Now

Elaine: I gotta get some new friends.
The Keys

Jerry: Not that there's anything wrong with that!
The Outing

George: I happen to dress based on mood.
Jerry: But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
George: Seemingly, but within that basic framework there are many subtle variations only discernible to an acute observer that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
Jerry: And what mood is this?
George: This is Morning Mist.
The Trip

George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
The Old Man

Jerry: What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States Postal Worker.
Jerry: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out, but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's Publisher's Clearing House day!
The Old Man

Jerry: What's the matter?
Elaine: I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork.
Jerry: Boy, it's hard to believe with so much biting experience a person could still make a mistake like that.
The Non-Fat Yogurt

Jerry's Mom: How could anyone not like you?

Uncle Leo: Jerry! Hello!

Jerry, looking at Elaine and the mannequin: I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some Doublemint gum.

Jerry: Look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavour living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?
Elaine: You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.
Jerry: I'm looking forward to it.
The Dinner Party

Jerry: Look to the cookie!
The Dinner Party

George: Tippy toe! Tippy toe!
The Phone Message

Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
The Hamptons

Woman: No thanks. I'm watching my weight.
Jerry: Oh. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.
The Chaperone

Job Interviewer: Not many people have grace.
Elaine: Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace. Not as much as Jackie O...
Interviewer: You can't have a little grace. You either have grace or you don't.
Elaine: Okay, fine. I have no grace.
Interviewer: And you can't acquire grace.
Elaine: Well, I have no intention of getting grace.
Interviewer: Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.
Elaine: All right, all right, look, I don't have grace, I don't want grace, I don't even say grace, okay?
Interviewer: Thank you for coming in.
Elaine: Yeah yeah right.
The Chaperone

Jerry: No, go ahead. I second-hand smoke two packs a day.
The Chinese Woman

Jerry: I don't wanna be a cowboy!
The Mom and Pop Store

Jerry: Mom and pop aren't even a mom and pop?
George: It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored big-time!
Elaine: So, mom and pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood, establish trust... for 48 years, and then run off with Jerry's sneakers?
The Mom and Pop Store

Jerry: You left the lock open or the door open?
Kramer: The door. You have insurance, don't you?
Jerry: No, I spent it on the lock. It has only one flaw: The door must be closed!

Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine - I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't.
The Airport

Kramer: I like to stop at the duty free shop! I like to stop at the duty free shop!
The Airport

Jerry: You're bumping me from career day?!
The Abstinence

Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
The Abstinence

Katie (Jerry's agent): They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls.
The Abstinence

Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.
Elaine: I don't understand.
Jerry: Exactly.
The Abstinence

Jerry: What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.
Kramer: What?? My face is all craggly, it's crinkly!
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer, but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face.
Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown!
Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.
The Abstinence

Jerry: So you're never gonna have sex again?
George: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.
The Abstinence

Jackie the lawyer: Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.
Kramer: Who could love me?
Miss Wilkie: I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie: Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.
The Abstinence

Jackie: A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn't tell you to have pow-wow.
The Abstinence

Jane: I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square.
Elaine: How about a ply? I'll take a ply.
Jane: Look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply.
The Stall

Elaine: No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square.
Jane: Wait a minute, I know you...
Elaine: That's right honey, and I know you!
The Stall

Jerry: He's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo.

Jerry: Oh, you're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

Jerry: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.
Elaine: So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.
Jerry: Booze is not a religion.
Elaine: Tell that to my father.
The Yada Yada

Jerry: I gotta get on that internet. I'm late on everything.
The Yada Yada

Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.

Jerry: I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father: And this offends you as a Jewish person.
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
The Yada Yada

Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!
The Yada Yada

Jerry: Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily?
George: No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week.
Jerry: What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied?
George: Implied.
Jerry: She got anything in your medicine cabinet?
George: There might be some moisturizer.
Jerry: Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there any Tampax in your house?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what you've got here.
George: What?
Jerry: You got yourself a girlfriend.
George: Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend?
Jerry: I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with Tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but...
George: Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, "What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends.
Jerry: You're going to make a good father someday.
The Virgin

Marla: Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We'll put everything on hooks.
Jerry: Everything?
Marla: Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here.
Jerry: You're quite mad, you know.
The Virgin

Jerry: Why don't you go out? It's nice out.
Kramer: Oh, no. There's nothing out there for me.
Jerry: There's weather.
Kramer: Weather? I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me.
The Virgin

Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, AAAHH! staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?
The Virgin

Jerry: She's a virgin, she just told me.
Elaine: Well I didn't know.
Jerry: Well it's not like spotting a toupee.
Elaine: Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin?
The Virgin

Elaine: Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
Marla: So they just leave?
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly.
Marla: Wow. It must be pretty good to put up with all that.
Elaine: Eh.
The Virgin

Jerry: Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star.

George: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
The Old Man

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