The Airplane Show
Jennifer Moves
Real Families
Hotel Oceanview
The Baby
Bah, Humbug
A Mile in My Shoes
Baby, It's Cold Inside
The Painting
Daydreams
Frog Story
Dr Fever and Mr Tide
Venus and the Man
Ask Jennifer
I am Woman
Secrets of Dayton Heights
Out to Lunch
A Simple Little Wedding
Nothing to Fear But...
Till Debt do us Part
Clean up Radio Everywhere |
Mr Carlson: Now wait a minute, something like that's gotta be cleared through me first.
Herb: But Big Guy -
Andy shushes him and signals him to wait, and there is a short pause
Mr Carlson: Okay, it's cleared.
Herb: Excusez-moi, Travinski, look, that was my idea, I should find him.
Andy: Oh Herb, don't you want this idea to work?
Herb: What is that supposed to mean?
Mr Carlson: I think what Andy's trying to say, Herb, is that if you get your incompetent hands on this project, you'd totally destroy what could otherwise be a darn good idea.
Andy: What got you interested in doing a show like this?
Applicant: Herb did. We're cousins. (Mr Carlson puts down his pen and paper) Okay fine.
Johnny: I'm gonna slip on home, slide into bed and sleep the day off. Wanna come? (Jennifer gives him a LOOK) If you change your mind, give me a call.
Mr Carlson, on the phone: Travis! Get in my office immediately. (He puts down the phone and quickly picks it up again) This is Mr Carlson.
Mr Carlson: A man in my position, Herb, doesn't play with trains.
Herb: Yes, Sir.
Mr Carlson, calmly: I'm not a child. I'm a hobbyist.
Herb, hesitantly: Yes.
Arlene: We never had sex.
Herb, who missed the first part of the conversation: I beg your pardon?
Arlene: Who's that?
Les: I'm Les Nessman. I read your book. Didn't help me any.
The intro which Herb wrote, and to which Herb mouths along: And now it's time for "Ask Arlene" - a bold new venture in Cincinnati radio listening where you, the listener, call in to "Ask Arlene" poignant, personal questions and receive, in turn, poignant personal expert advice from an expert. Expert expert expert! And now, here's Arlene!
Arlene passes out and her head goes THUNK on the desk
Mr Carlson: Jennifer?
Jennifer: Yes sir?
Mr Carlson: There's a pushy salesman sitting in the lobby waiting to see me. I was wondering if you could (coughing) make him go away.
Venus: You know, I listened to you for just ten minutes, and already I've decided to go back to school, lose fifty pounds and get a sex change operation.
Mr Carlson: Just how personal did these questions get?
Andy: It would be much more exciting than being stuck in the lobby all day.
Jennifer: I like it out there. We hardly get any calls, Mr Carlson won't accept visitors, it's quiet, I can read, study a foreign language, occasionally answer a question or two...
Jennifer: Yes, you're on the air.
Caller: Arlene, what's the meaning of life?
Jennifer: The cereal or the magazine?
Jennifer: Hello, this is Arlene. You're on.
Caller: Arlene, I've got a problem but I don't want to use my real name.
Jennifer: Well, that's okay.
Caller: So, just call me Joan.
Jennifer: Okay, what's your problem Joan?
Caller: Who?
Jennifer: Well, you are Joan, aren't you?
Caller: No, I'm not.
Caller: Arlene, this is Betty, I've been engaged to a man three months and I just found out he has a wooden leg. Should I break it off?
Jennifer: How long does it take Herb to find someone?
Andy: He's giving it everything he's got.
Jennifer: That's what I was afraid of.
Caller: Arlene, do you think I'm fat?
Jennifer: You look okay to me!
Johnny, taking over as Arlene: No no no, Patricia, you're wrong.
Caller, distraught: Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do about it!
Johnny: Wait wait wait a second, would you just listen to me please??
Patricia: Okay, all right.
Johnny: Cuz you don't want to look like a fool, right?
Patricia: No.
Johnny: Okay. So now listen very carefully, because I'm not always gonna be here to help you. Okay. You always want to start on these things from the outside. That'll lead you just naturally, organically, into those inner areas. That's where all the real action is. Okay?
Patricia: Uh uh.
Johnny: Now, what's furthest out is the salad fork and the soup spoon. Okay?
Patricia, panicking: On which side??
Johnny: On the right. Big fork is on the inside left, and the dessert spoon is above.
Patricia, really upset now: Above?! Above what? Why do I have to do this??
Johnny: Pat, Pat Pat, Patricia, I tell you what, put the napkin over your head and eat with your hands, okay? We've got a lot of calls...
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