Herb, on the phone trying to get a sale: Have you ever considered advertising on our station? ... Would you ever consider advertising on our station? Okay fine.
Ferryman the mortician: I'm a volume dealer. I've got to move them in and move them out.
Mr Carlson, reading from Ferryman's brochure: "Over 6000 satisfied customers"?
Herb, asked to write a jingle: I think we can come up with something here. How about this. The music comes up - (Low, slow, and sonorous) Ooh ra, ooh ra. Ooh ra, ooh ra.
Ferryman: I don't like that. I want something light and bouncy.
Herb: Okay, how about (light and bouncy, snapping his fingers) Oohra oohra, oohra oohra! Deedee deedee diddly dee, oohra oohra!
Johnny: "Ferryman was first with drive-in graveside services, all electric eternal flames, and mourners as you need them!"
Herb: A. All-weather floral arrangements.
Venus: What does that mean?
Johnny: That's plastic flowers.
Herb: B. Maintenance-free artificial turf.
Johnny: Plastic grass.
Herb: C. They accept all major credit cards.
Johnny: That'd be your plastic money.
Venus: Sing! Sing a song!
Herb: Sing out loud, sing out strong! Sing of good things--
Venus: Herb! (stifles him)
Ferryman jingle:
"Hey, you're young and swingin',
No time to think about tomorrow
But there ain't no way to deny it
Some day, you're gonna buy it.
Plan today,
Go with Ferryman* (obscured by laughter - the line could also be "for a Ferryman")
Tomorrow!
Ferryman, Ferryman,
he's the man with the plot, the man with the plan!
Ferryman, Ferryman,
He's the mortician man who loves you!
A lot!"
Ferryman: This is a cheque for the first month in advance. $18 000. Now let me see you resign the account.
Mr Carlson: We respectfully resign, Mr Ferryman. Can I hold that thing for a minute? (Holds the cheque) It's heavy.
Ferryman: I'll sue.
Mr Carlson: Well, the way the courts are working today, we'll probably be customers of yours before it comes to trial.
Andy: I been curious about one thing. There's a lot of rock and roll stations in Cincinnati, why'd you pick ours?
Ferryman: I checked around. I figured this station was just bad enough off to take my business. Now I'll have to find a station with even lower ratings than yours.
Andy: Well, good luck with that!
*Thanks to A.D., who emailed me about the line obscured by laughter in the Ferryman jingle
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