The Consultant

The Union
An Explosive Affair
Rumors
Straight from the Heart
Who's on First?
Three Days of the Condo
Jennifer and the Will
The Consultant
Love, Exciting and New
You Can't go out
of Town Again
Pills
Changes
Jennifer and Johnny's
Charity
I'll Take Romance
Fire
Dear Liar
Circumstantial Evidence
The Creation of Venus
The Impossible Dream
To Err is Human
Up and Down the Dial

Hirsch: How is everything in the world of "rock'n'roll"?
Andy: Oh, it's, uh, pretty good.
Hirsch: Excellent. I trust the "Doors" are doing well?
Andy: Well, they, uh, they broke up.
Hirsch: Oh. I didn't know that. We get so little news around here.
Momma Carlson enters
Momma: Do you call those eggs soft-boiled?
Hirsch: Oh. Did you enjoy your breakfast, Madame?
Momma: The coffee was like mud. Rather cool mud.
Hirsch: Yes... well... there's only so much one can do.
Momma: Would you like some cool mud, Mr Travis?
Andy: Uh no, no thank you.
Momma: Oh please, I insist. I would like a witness to the fact that this man is attempting to poison me.
Andy: Yes please, coffee would be fine.
Momma: Coffee right away.
Hirsch: Oh, as fast as my little feet can carry me.

Andy: Of course, we would be delighted to have you participate more fully.
Momma: That's a lie.

Momma: Where have you been?
Hirsch: Mardi Gras, Madame. May I pour?
Momma: Yes. Have you a shovel?
Hirsch: Oh Madame, always the card. Sugar?
Momma: Hirsch, you've been with me 42 years. Have I ever taken sugar?
Hirsch: Then cream?
Momma: I take it black.
Hirsch: I'll make a note of that.

Momma: Why Hirsch! This coffee's delicious!!
Hirsch: Mm hmm. That's because we were having a guest, Madame. When it's just you and me, I prepare it a little differently. (Chuckles)

Andy: Can we talk?
Mr Carlson: Oh yeah, you bet.
Herb: I suppose you want us to leave, as usual?
Mr Carlson: No, Herb, I want you to stay right here.
Herb: Yes Sir!
Mr Carlson and Andy leave.
Mr Carlson, as he goes out the door: Okay, Andy, what's up?

Mr Carlson: Don't panic. I know what to do about this. Next week I'll just take a little vacation, take Herb and Les with me - maybe Johnny too, you can never tell what he's gonna do...
Andy: Wait a minute - you can't just clear out the station!
Mr Carlson: Why not? Just bring him here, introduce him to Jennifer, she'll wink at him a few times and he goes home.
Andy: And what if he is a she?
Mr Carlson: Well then you wink at him.

Andy: Last time I saw you, you had hair down to your waist.
Norris, the consultant: Hey, we all did. Didn't you have a ponytail?
Andy: Uh no, it was kind of a ... pageboy thing.

Norris: That newsman of yours. Has he got some sort of problem with pigs?

Norris on Johnny: Andy, the man is stuck in 1962! What is he, Ray Charles' uncle or something?

Andy's philosophy on drugs: I don't like stickin' money up my nose so I can feel lousy later.

Johnny: I was just waiting for Venus to get off the air. He's gonna fix my refrigerator.
Andy: What's wrong with it?
Johnny: I dunno, it broke down a couple of (looking at his watch) months ago.

Andy: A radio doctor. A consultant. He's working for Mother Carlson.
Johnny: Well, that's it for us, then.

Johnny: Don't you think we could get everybody to shape up for just one day? What am I saying?!

Norris: Well hello! I'm Norris Breeze.
Jennifer, in a high little-girl voice: Oh, Mr Breezy! We've been expecting you. Would you like to sit down? We have all kinds of chairs. There's one over there, and there's another over there, and one - no, that's a clock.

Jennifer: Hi! I'm back!
Mr Carlson: Where's the coffee?
Jennifer: Uh oh!

Norris: Hi.
Bailey, flashing the peace sign: High.
Norris: You enjoy your work here?
Bailey: Oh yeah, yeah.
Norris: You, uh, ever do any drugs?
Bailey, after a pause: When?
Norris: Like, on the job?
Bailey, looking around and making sure no one is listening, then, conspiratorially: Sit down, I want to tell you something.
Norris sits down and she just stares at him.
Norris: What?
Bailey: What what?
Norris: You were going to tell me something.
Bailey, shaking her head: Oh, I don't think so.
Norris: You control the paperwork at the station.
Bailey: Oh yeah. If you have any paper, you just bring it to me. Mm hmm. I would also love some M&M's.

Les: Mr Breeze. Les Nessman. I understand you find my news reports unusual, humerous. Thank you very much. It's a rock station so I enjoy kidding around. Unless it's hard news. Then of course I go for it. Excuse me.
He leaves and Norris looks at Bailey in confusion
Bailey, singing: N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best! Chooooc-laaate!
She grins to herself, looking very self-satisfied. Norris exits the bull pen, to find Venus holding a knife to Johnny's throat. He backs away in fright.

Norris: WKRP in Cincinatti is, in my opinion, a loony bin.
Momma: Go on.
Norris: I think changes are in order - drastic, immediate changes.
Momma: How so?
Norris: To begin with, your son is doing a fine job.
Momma: He is?
Norris: But he's overworked.
Momma: He is??
Norris: Same goes for Herb Tarlek.
Momma: It does??
Norris: An excellent man who's trying to do it all himself.
Momma: Really.
Norris: The staff is a different matter. Bailey Quarters cannot be trusted with even the simplest of tasks for reasons I'd just as soon not go into. And the receptionist, what's her name -
Momma: Jennifer Marlowe.
Norris: - is certainly beautiful, but has the I.Q. of a piece of furniture.
Momma: I see.
Norris: Total airhead. But this is minor alongside the racial unrest that exists between the disc jockeys. I think you should know that Venus Flytrap is armed. He carries a knife.
Momma: I see. And Les Nessman?
Norris: Funny. A kidder, but articulate and professional to the bone.
Momma: And Mr Travis here?
Norris: An old friend of mine, an excellent radio man, but, I'm sorry to say, a little naive.

Momma to Andy: You are a very bad boy.

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