Les: If there's one thing this reporter knows about, it's two things: One, hogs, and two, Russians.
Les: This is Les Nessman saying good day and don't take any wooden nickels, America.
Tape: This has been Commentary with Les Nessman, whose views do represent the views of this station.
Johnny on Les's commentary: I guess it's a good thing that Carlson doesn't listen to his own station.
Les: Johnny: Hogs. Communists. Think about it.
Johnny thinks about it and gets very confused.
Andy: Les, I want you to stop these editorials. You do not represent this station and, in my humble opinion, you do not represent the opinions of anyone I've ever known. And I want it stopped. I'm not gonna get mad about it or anything, but if it continues I'm gonna punch you out.
Les: What is Bailey, some sort of dollar-an-hour babysitter?
Andy: Of course not, don't be ridiculous. (Bailey enters) Bailey is your colleague.
Bailey: Andy, I've changed my mind, I want a dollar fifty.
Les: I have a question. Les Nessman, WKRP news. What I'd like to know is, who do you think you're kidding?
Ivan: Kidding? (speaking in Russian to other Russian) Communists don't kidding. Next question please.
Les: Les Nessman again, I have another question. I'd like to know what you think you're trying to pull.
Other Russian: Pull? (speaks in Russian and pulls one finger with his other hand)
Ivan: Would pretty girl with great body like to ask question?
Bailey looks around to see who he is referring to.
Bailey: Well, I work for a radio station.
Ivan: Radio! Do you play decadent American music?
Bailey: Oh, why yes, yes we do.
Les: Let's stick to pigs, Comrade.
Ivan: Press Conference over, Howdy. Is very beautiful lady and is great honour to be meeting her. Must now go see prize-winning hog. Bye bye!
Les: The Russian goes to kiss Bailey's hand just like this.
Venus: Hey!
Les: Just like this. (Kissing Jennifer's hand) And then he sneaks her a note.
Jennifer: Oh Les, that happens all the time, trust me!
Les: The note said, "Please help me."
Jennifer: That's standard.
Ivan, meeting Jennifer: American beauty! Mountain view! Hot dog! (speaking in Russian) God bless America.
Johnny: Venus bought him a whole new outfit. He said all the cat wants is blue jeans, sneakers and rock and roll. He also asked about "funny cigarettes." I told him nothing like that ever goes on in a radio station.
Anderson, the Immigration Officer: We don't get very many visitors here. The occasional work Visa application, sometimes my wife drops up, we go to lunch. Is he a Russian? Do you dance, sir?
Bailey: Why do you have a picture of Richard Nixon on the wall?
Anderson: They never sent me a Carter.
Anderson: You can't defect (walking his fingers across the desk) here. There are a lot of things that you can't do in Cincinnati, and that's one of them. How bout Los Angeles?
Bailey: Is your delegation going to Los Angeles?
Ivan: No, no pigs in Los Angeles.
Bailey: I can't believe that.
Anderson: Cleveland is our district office. It's a lot bigger office than this, much nicer desks, and they have a Carter. A big one.
Ivan: To Cleveland and freedom! Ivan and Bailey sit in back seat and get down!
Andy: Damn, I like this cloak and daggar stuff! Carrying a Russian across Ohio in the dead of night, and you're telling me my life ain't workin' out?
Andy: Excuse me, is there a problem?
Ivan: Is no business of yours, Capitalist exploiter. I see with my own eyeballs corrupt system here, Comrade. I spit on decadent music of rock and rolling. (speaking in Russian) Ivan sneak away to see American system close up. I only pretend to be friends. Sorry, but is true. Please do not be mad at Ivan, but impossible to see America from hotel room. I investigate! I learn truth about this country and people from things I see here! Music is just trick to get workers to buy more things to make rich richer. Is called commercials. (Les enters) There he is, lying member of decadent news media. Lies to workers! Part of corrupt propaganda machine!
Ivan: People unhappy here! Conditions terrible! Black man held prisoner in small room!
Ivan: I say this now to all who think Ivan fooled by them: I will not stay here one more minute! Comrades, we leave now for Cleveland.
Ivan: Hold me closer, tiny dancer.*
Les: That's another problem we've got.
Bailey: Good luck Comrade.
Ivan: No, not Comrade. Friend.
*Dubbed over as "Hold my order, terrible dresser" because of copyright laws concerning the Elton John song. More Information on the Jan Smithers fan page
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