The Union
An Explosive Affair
Rumors
Straight from the Heart
Who's on First?
Three Days of the Condo
Jennifer and the Will
The Consultant
Love, Exciting and New
You Can't go out
of Town Again
Pills
Changes
Jennifer and Johnny's
Charity
I'll Take Romance
Fire
Dear Liar
Circumstantial Evidence
The Creation of Venus
The Impossible Dream
To Err is Human
Up and Down the Dial |
Les: Monster lizard ravages east coast! Mayors in five New England cities have issued emergency requests for federal disaster relief as a result of a giant lizard that descended on the east coast last night! Officials say that this lizard, the worst since '78, has devastated transportation, disrupted communication, and left many hundreds homeless!
Johnny: Monster lizard?
Les: The wire service never lies!
Johnny: Les, the "B" is out on the printer! It's monster blizzard!
Johnny: Why don't you start the contributions rolling? How much can we put you down for, Les?
Les: That was Johnny Fever. And now stay tuned for Johnny Fever.
Johnny: I really want to thank you, and a lot of other people do too. (Hugs Les)
Les, pushing him away: Don't ever do that again!
Johnny: Tell you what, give me twenty bucks and I'll never talk to you again!
Johnny: You got a steno pad?
Jennifer, surprised: Johnny!
Herb: Underpriviledged?
Bailey: Yes.
Herb: As in poor?
Bailey: That's right.
Herb: Passeroni.
Bailey: Why?
Herb: Because I don't believe in the poor! I believe everyone should pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, like Venus did!
Bailey: You don't give to charity?
Herb: Never.
Bailey: You swear you don't give to charity?
Herb, crossing his heart and licking his fingers: I swear I never give to charity.
Bailey, crossing her heart and improvising a few other motions: Do you swear that you never give to charity, in front of the Internal Revenue auditor?
Herb: Well...
Bailey: You are the lowest form of life that I have ever encountered!
Jennifer: I'm finished.
Johnny: You quit?
Jennifer: $40 000 was all you needed, wasn't it?
Johnny: It's not even 10:00.
Jennifer: Well, I could have been faster, but with Onassis and Rockefeller gone, you have to scramble a little bit more.
Venus: Jennifer, what would you say if Ronald Reagan called you and asked you to be Secretary of the Treasury?
Jennifer: I said no.
Bailey: Do we serve these before or after we hit them for their money?
Jennifer: It goes like this: cheese puffs, cocktails, money, stuffed mushrooms.
Bailey: Ah.
Jennifer: Then, double cognac, money, triple cognac, money money money. Just think of this as a very expensive Tupperware party.
Jennifer: Herb, take this cheese puff and eat it.
Herb: My wife and I went to Washington about three years ago. The Lincoln Memorial is pretty good. There's a great big guy sitting in a chair.
Mrs Mittenoff: I think this is rather presumptuous. It is our money. And you keep telling us that you don't like this, and you don't like that.
Charlie: Yeah, but you can't go moving the mission around that much, cuz there's drunks out there trying to find it! And it's gotta me exactly where they think it is, I mean, you can't move it a foot!
Johnny: This is just checkbook charity! It's "here's my money, give me my tax break, but let me out of here!"
Jennifer: Well, at least they're willing to give it! And they don't have to! What about your friends, I haven't even heard a thank you yet!
Charlie: Well hell, we got all dressed up to come up here!
Percy: Is that you? The Mittenoff library?
Mr Mittenoff: Yes. Did you ever check a book out from there?
Percy: No sir, I already have a book!
Sheila: I was an exotic dancer at one time, so I know a little bit about how life works. I think you rich people give money mainly because it makes you feel good, right? It's a kick! And we know it. That's why we don't jump right in and say "Thank you, thank you!" But on the other hand, we'll take the money, cuz we need it! So you see in a way, everybody's getting what they need! But don't expect us recipients to go all the way down to the buff, if you know what I mean.
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