Pilot
Preacher
Hoodlum Rock
Les on a Ledge
Bailey's Show
Hold-Up
Turkeys Away
Goodbye Johnny
Johnny Comes Back
Love Returns
I want to Keep my Baby
Fish Story
The Contest Nobody
Could Win
Momma's Review
A Date with Jennifer
Tornado
Young Master Carlson
Never Leave me, Lucille
A Commercial Break
I Do, I Do... For Now
Who is Gordon Sims |
Bailey enters just in time to hear the following exchange:
Les: Herb, it can't end like this.
Herb: Look Les, it's over. So you might as well get used to it.
Les: How can you say a beautiful, meaningful relationship is over, just like that??
Herb: It wasn't beautiful!
Les: Oh, please don't say that, Herb!
Herb: Look, Les! You cannot build a relationship on sex alone!
(Bailey wilts.)
Jennifer, running in, speaking at breakneck speed: Hello. Herb is getting a divorce. We can't have that. Excuse me.
(She runs off in one direction, then in the other pursued by Herb.)
Les: We're drawing straws. The winner gets Herb.
Johnny: Winner?
Les: Well, yes. That's who Herb stays with.
Venus: Stays with?
Les: Yes.
Venus: You mean like have Herb come into your home and stay there and not go away?
Mr Carlson: I just want to say how darn sorry I am for you, and how painful I know this must be for you, and that you can't stay at my house.
Lucille: I cried last night, Herb.
Jennifer: Oh good. I mean, go on.
Lucille: Well, I thought about our life together, and what's been happening to us, and I thought...
Jennifer: Yes?
Lucille: I thought, so what?!
Herb: So what??
Lucille: Yeah, so what!!
Jennifer: Uh, we'll all talk later, okay? (She hauls Lucille away)
Lucille, still screaming: I mean, who is this creep I"ve been cooking for, and staying home for every lousy day? (She continues to yell as Jennifer drags her away)
Mr Carlson: Well, she seems to be holding up pretty well...
Herb: Dip?
Venus: None for me, thanks.
Les: Do you have any chips?
Herb: What do you want, the world??
Herb: Hey Venus, I bet you don't just sit around like this and "rap."
Venus: No, I watch a lot of TV.
Herb: Get out of here!
Venus: But sometimes when I'm really feeling crazy - know what I mean?
Herb: Yeah! Yeah!
Venus: I go out and pick up a...
Herb: Oh?
Venus: Chili dog.
Herb: There's a whole town full of chicks out there!
Johnny: It's hard to find one you like.
Herb: What's "like" got to do with it?
Les: One-night-stands get a little old after a while, Herb.
Herb, showing slides: Now, this is a shot of me at Disneyland. Now the other guy is Goofy. But it's not really Goofy, it's just some guy in a suit.
Johnny: You mean they don't have the real Goofy down there?
Jennifer: Hasn't it been pretty lonely without Herb?
Lucille: Well, you know, I hardly notice he's gone. Y'see, I have this pottery class. I make little ashtrays that look like they were done by tiny children. Rex says that they're very primitive.
Jennifer: Who's Rex?
Lucille: He's my instructor. Sometimes Rex takes off his shirt while he's firing up the kiln.
Herb: Lucille, I've decided to come back to you.
Lucille: Oh. Well. Before you do me this great favour, Herb, I think there's something you ought to know.
Herb: What?
Lucille: I've been unfaithful to you.
Jennifer: Cheque!!
Lucille: Not in body, but in spirit.
Herb: Oh, thank God.
Lucille: I had impure thoughts at the kiln.
Waitor, bringing drinks to Jennifer and Lucille:
- This is courtesy of the gentleman at the first table.
- These are from the gentleman at the end of the bar.
- Short man in hat.
- Bald man with scar, Chinese gentleman, woman dressed as man, and a guy who says he's Big Herb.
- Little guy with bow tie, tall black man, cowboy and long shoreman.
Jennifer: Well Les, don't you have an opening line?
Les: Hi. I'm extremely wealthy.
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