Baseball
Jennifer Falls in Love
Carlson for President
For Love or Money
Bad Risk
Put Up or Shut Up
Baby, If you've
Ever Wondered
Patter of Little Feet
God Talks to Johnny
Bailey's Big Break
Mike Fright
Les's Groupie
A Family Affair
Jennifer Home for Christmas
Sparky
The Americanization
of Ivan
Herb's Dad
The Doctor's Daughter
Venus Rising
In Concert
Filthy Pictures
Most Improved Station |
Andy: "Bonefish"? They good to eat?
Mr Carlson: Wake up Travis, you don't eat bonefish. You just catch 'em, then you put 'em back.
Andy: Wait a minute, let me get this straight. You're gonna fly to Miami. You're gonna change planes to a small, dangerous little craft, fly into the Bermuda Triangle with a pilot that does not speak English, rent a boat, hire a guide - now how much you into this thing for, about $5000?
Mr Carlson: Yeah.
Andy: To catch this fish and then let it go?
Mr Carlson: Yeah.
Andy, admiringly: That's gotta be fun.
Les: Hello Mrs Carlson.
Carmen: Hello, Les.
Mr Carlson: Les, would you excuse us, please, my wife is pregnant.
Les: Yes, of course.
Carmen: Arthur, I'm over thirty. I might even be over forty, I'd have to check.
Mr Carlson: When do you suppose it happened?
Carmen: Dr Levin says it was four weeks ago.
Mr Carlson: Four weeks ago... (He gets out the calendar) I bet it was Tuesday night after the Kiwanis dance. You sure were beautiful in that blue dress.
Carmen: Maybe it was that night Anson Williams* hosted the Tonight Show.
Mr Carlson: No - it was Friday night, remember, after we came back from seeing "Superman"!
*For those too young to remember, Anson Williams was "Potsy" on "Happy Days."
Johnny: 2.96 [times a week]? I wonder how they do the, uh, 96 part.
Bailey: That is just an average, Johnny.
Johnny: Well, it should average out to three. Somebody's not doing something right!
Andy: Hiya Herbert, how's sales?
Herb, building a house out of pencils: Fine.
Andy: What's the matter with Herb?
Les: Herb's not average, Andy.
Johnny: Well, I think I wouldn't want to be responsible for bringing another person into the world the way it is.
Herb: Here we go again!
Johnny: Well, the future does look pretty bleak, Herb.
Andy: What, you've seen the future?
Johnny: Yeah.
Herb: Where?
Johnny: In my living room.
Mr Carlson: How many times have you said to yourself, "If I knew then what I know now"? Well, by golly, this is the new then. Now, I mean. Because I know now what I didn't used to know then. As a manner of speaking, you could say that I know now what I know now.
Jennifer: Hello Mrs Carlson, how've you been?
Momma Carlson: Perfect. And you?
Jennifer: The same.
Les: Mr Carlson, when I think of all the little babies up in heaven waiting to be born, looking for the right kind of parents, and I think what fine people you and Mrs Carlson are, I think how lucky some little baby's going to be.
Mr Carlson: Thank you, Les.
Les, in the same gentle voice: Mr Carlson, no one is allowed to touch my Silver Sow Award.
Mr Carlson: I'm sorry, Les, I -
Les: Good night, Mr Carlson.
Mr Carlson: Venus, have you got any idea how old my wife is?
Venus, who hasn't heard the news yet: Beg your pardon?
Mr Carlson: I'd sure like to have a girl, Venus.
Venus: We all would, Mr Carlson.
Mr Carlson: 'Course, you know, a boy'd be nice too.
Venus, after a pause: Pardon me?
Mr Carlson: Well, I mean, I'd prefer a girl, but I'd, you know, take a boy. I don't care. How about you?
Venus: Uhhhh, girl.
Mr Carlson: Ah. You see, I'm just not that fussy.
Venus: Apparently not.
Venus on Mr Carlson: No mental problems there.
The Carlsons fight:
Carmen: Why don't you just for once think of yourself first??
Mr Carlson: Oh, that's just like you! All you ever think about is me!!
Carmen: Just once, be selfish!!
Mr Carlson on the phone: Venus? Mr Carlson here. I've got this ... young girl in my office. (Mrs Carlson smiles) Will you stop saying "I beg your pardon" and just listen? As a favour to me Venus, I wonder if you could play something soft and sweet. Well, do it anyway!
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