Pilot (2 parts)

Pilot
Preacher
Hoodlum Rock
Les on a Ledge
Bailey's Show
Hold-Up
Turkeys Away
Goodbye Johnny
Johnny Comes Back
Love Returns
I want to Keep my Baby
Fish Story
The Contest Nobody
Could Win
Momma's Review
A Date with Jennifer
Tornado
Young Master Carlson
Never Leave me, Lucille
A Commercial Break
I Do, I Do... For Now
Who is Gordon Sims

Jennifer: Would you like to see the Big Guy?
Andy: The Big Guy?
Jennifer: The Skipper, the Chief, the Head Honcho... the jerk who runs this place?

Jennifer, on the phone: Mr Carlson, Mr Travis is here to see you. Travis. I don't know, he claims to be the new program director.
Andy: I'm from Santa Fe, New Mexico. Never really met the Big Guy before, he hired me over the phone.
Jennifer, reassuringly: Well, then, you have nothing to worry about. (phone buzzes and she picks it up - speaks into phone) Yes, he's still here.

Jennifer on Les: At least he's not always pawing and mauling you, constantly on the make, dying for some steamy one-night stand (she stands above Andy to water the plant, and he blinks and rubs his eyes as if they hurt) of unbridled passion in some out-of-the-way hotel room. You know what I mean?
Andy: I sure do.
Jennifer: You're not like that, are you?
Andy: Who me? Oh no, heck no.
Jennifer: How come?
Andy: I don't know.

Andy: You know, I quit my job in Santa Fe.
Mr Carlson: You did?
Andy: Yeah, took an apartment here in Cincinnati, too.
Mr Carlson: Ooo! Do you think that's wise?
Andy: Mr Carlson, I talked to you on the phone. You promised me a free hand to run this station.
Mr Carlson: I should never use the phone. Cut that thing in half - just use it for listening.
Andy: I made a big mistake in coming here.
Mr Carlson: Hey, where you goin', Cowboy?
Andy: I don't know, but I know where you're going.
Mr Carlson: Yeah?
Andy: Yessir. You're going back to playin' music that was way out of date twenty years ago, and losing a hundred thousand every year.
Mr Carlson: Where'd you get a figure like that?
Andy: From you.
Mr Carlson: Oh, yeah, right.

Mr Carlson: We used to make money around here, you know. 'Course, that was back in the days when music was music, and men were men, and fish were fish. Now I don't know what the hell's going on.

Mr Carlson: I can get tough. I can be mean. I can make those hard decisions. And the first decision we're gonna hafta make round her is what to do about Momma.

Mr Carlson: I am in charge here, and don't you forget it buster! But sometimes Momma scares me a little bit.

Andy: Mr Carlson, let me ask you another thing - does your mother want this station to make money?
Mr Carlson: Boy! Does she! She gets this look in her eyes when she starts talking about money, starts making this k-k-k-k noise down deep in her throat.

Mr Carlson: These changes - they, uh, they wouldn't necessitate the, uh, playing of rock and roll music, would they?
Andy: Possibly.
Mr Carlson: Dear God, she's gonna kill us all!

Johnny: Got insomnia, you know... can't go to sleep before three... got to get up at five to get in here to be on the air by six... (Lying down on the couch) This coffee keeps me sharp as a tack.

Andy: Haven't I heard of you?
Johnny: You're not a cop, are you?

Andy: What happened there? The station fired you for some reason.
Johnny: Well let me tell you something baby, they all fire you sooner or later.
Andy: No, but this was something that you did.
Johnny: Well, we all do things, right?
Andy: It was something that you said.
Johnny: Yeah. "Booger."

Johnny: I was making about a hundred thousand a year there. Then one day I said "booger," a bunch of bozos called the station, and the next thing I know I'm in Amarillo hosting a garden show.

Johnny: I'll tell you this though, I never thought I'd end up at WKRP in Pittsb - Cincinnati? This is rock bottom.

Les: I wanted to chat, but I had to get on the air with the hog futures.
Johnny: Hogs have futures, I don't.

Les: Good day, and may the good news be yours.

Johnny: Do you know about Carlson's mother?
Andy: Uh huh.
Johnny: Uh huh. You're gonna love it in Amarillo.

Johnny: What's the weather like out there?
Bailey: It's raining.
Johnny: Excuse me a minute. (Commercial ends) And on that happy note, let's take a look at the weather. We have reports that it's coming down in buckets out there (Bailey frantically signals NO!) in other parts of the state. However, experts are predicting that sunny skies will return by noon (Bailey signals again - NO!) but not here. So, if you're on your way to work, you might want to take an umbrella. Or you might not.

Johnny: And now it's time to listen to one of my personal favourites, it's the Halleluiah Tabernacle Choir with their beautiful rendition of "You're having my Baby."

Bailey: I've never gone to a meeting before.
Andy: Well, that's been a mistake.
Bailey: Well, I always thought so.
(Click here to play a sound file of this quote)

Johnny: Well, it's goodbye to the elevator music! (RIPS the record off the turntable!) Heh heh heh heh heh heh!!
(It's this gleeful cackle which gets to me!!)

Johnny: All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get down! You've got Johnny - Doctor Johnny Fever, and I am burnin' up in here - Whoah! We all in critical condition, babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, cuz I got the healing prescription here from the big KRP musical medicine cabinet. Now I am talking about your 50 000 watts intensive care unit, babies! So just sit right back now, relax! Open your ears real wide and say, "Give it to me straight, Doctor, I can take it!" Oh, I almost forgot, fellow babies... BOOGER!!
(A sound file of the change of format -861K)

Andy: You have this thing you call "Eye Witness Weather." What is that?
Les: Well, I just look out the window and witness the weather.
Andy: Uh huh. Well, what about this station's traffic helicopter?
Les: We don't have one.
Andy: So why do we have helicopter reports?
Les: Well, that's just me. See, I get on the air and then I do this - (beating himself on the chest with both hands) "The traffic today is light to heavy..."

Jennifer: I am swamped with phone calls out there about whatever Johnny is doing on the air.
Andy: How many?
Jennifer: Three.
Andy: Well, you do the best you can.
Jennifer: Okay. Listen Andy, we've never had any calls before, and if this pressure keeps up I'm going to have to have more money.

Andy: Don't give me any more traffic reports until I get you a real helicopter.
Les: Gee thanks Andy, my chest is killing me.

Les: But there are already lots of rock and roll stations in Cincinnati.
Andy: Well, why do you think that is, Les?
Les: Well, I personally think it's a plot of some sort.

Momma Carlson: Arthur, you've never spoken to me that way before!
Mr Carlson: Yeah, well - d'ya like it?
Momma: I hate it. But it's the first time I've seen any sign of backbone in you.
Mr Carlson: Well, while I'm at it, I've got a few other things...
Momma: Don't push it, Arthur.
Mr Carlson: Yes ma'am.

Venus: That's a mean little momma.

Les: I do the sports news here, Mr Flytrap. I don't know if you've noticed, but there certainly are a lot of negroes in sports.
Venus: Yeah, well - say WHAT?

Mr Carlson: Dr Fever, I presume?

Andy: You can't leave! Mr Carlson's going over our format! You're needed in Cincinnati!
Johnny: Cincinnati!! Hey listen, if I leave now, I can be there by noon tomorrow!

Venus: It is the hour of darkness, children, and Venus is on the rise in Cincinnati. The moon is high (Venus nearly deafens himself with his gong) and so am I! So let's get down, pretty brothers and sisters, to gather as we growl and hoooooowl - right after this words from Shady Hills Rest Home.

Mr Carlson enters the lobby. Soothing classical music plays.
Mr Carlson: Hey, is that us?
Jennifer: No, this is us.
She switches stations. From the radio comes:
Johnny: Hang onto your brains, fellow babies, this is Doctor Johnny Fever and have I got a contest for you! First prize is, you don't have to die! Second prize, a pocket comb!

Mr Carlson: Tell Travis I want to see him.
Jennifer, cleaning her plant: All righty.
Mr Carlson: I'd also like to see Herb in there too.
Jennifer: Okey-dokey.
Mr Carlson: Just send them right on in. (No response.) As soon as possible.
Jennifer: No problem.
Mr Carlson goes into his office. Andy and Herb are there.
Mr Carlson, confused: Herb, Travis, what are you guys doing here?
Andy: Jennifer said you wanted to see us.

Herb: Here's a list of the clients we've lost since you've been here.
Mr Carlson: I haven't seen that list. Shady Hills Rest Home, gone. Sincerity Savings and Loan, gone. Rolling Thunder European Regularity Tonics, gone. I didn't know about this.
Herb: Well, it's something that old people take when ...
Mr Carlson: I mean the client list!!

Andy: Got any ideas?
Johnny: No, I try not to have any ideas. They only lead to complications.

Johnny: Suppose I give you a great idea. Let's suppose that this great idea works and the station actually starts making a lot money. Do you know what that can lead to, Andy? Memos. Before you know it, assigned parking spaces. Then chrome furniture, and lots of paintings of wistful children with big eyes. Believe me, I've seen it happen before!
Andy: All right, don't get all shook up, you don't have to help.
Johnny: But don't you see, no one should!!

Venus: I had to come downtown and get my suit worked on. It's Italian.
Johnny: I guess something like that's in the shop most of the time.
Venus: I've got suits I can't even get parts for.

Les, entering: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, I have a question about my news program.
Andy: Sure Les.
Johnny: You know, we could just blow the station up. That would grab the headlines.
Venus: Or burn it down.
Bailey: I like the nudity idea better.
Les: Perhaps I could come back later.

Mr Carlson: Come on Les, remember the way you broadcast Bing Crosby's death? "First Presley, now Crosby. Just a coincidence? I wonder."

Jennifer: There's a Mr Wayne R. Coe here to see you.
Mr Carlson: Oh, yeah fine. Send him away.
Jennifer: All right, I'll tell him you're dead.
Mr Carlson, to Herb: Golly, isn't she good?

Mr Coe: Furthermore, my group has petitioned the Federal Communications Commission to have your license revoked unless you immediately return to your previous format and apologize live on the air to Lawrence Welk.
Mr Carlson: Mr Coe, Mr Carlson's dead. Something heavy fell on him, a piano we think, we don't have all the details.
Mr Coe: Well, I'm not buying that.
Mr Carlson: You're not. Well, okay, you win. (Pointing to Herb) He's Carlson.

Mr Carlson: If I were going to put another door in here, where would you put it?
Jennifer: Probably over there. It would lead out into the hallway, and that way if anything important came up you could leave through there and hide in the back.
Mr Carlson: You know Jennifer, you're a very smart woman. I'll bet most men are amazed by your - uh, I mean the first thing they notice, of course, is your - uh... your, uh, your presence, shall we say... (he gets all flustered)

Mr Coe: This is plan B, Mr Carlson. Take a look. Not a pretty sight, is it? All right folks, hit it!
All: Heck no, we won't go! Heck no, we won't go!
Andy: Wait a minute folks, what do you all want?
Elderly lady: Justice!
Elderly man: Girls!

The elderly lady bashes the record on the turntable with her umbrella and stands there grinning gleefully.
Johnny: We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties in the studio. Please stay tuned and we'll be back as soon as we get it fixed. Okay? All right you two up against the wall!! I don't know what you want here, but I think you should know that I have killed a lot of old people in my time!! And I'm not above doing it again! (The old people run away)

Mr Carlson, on the phone with Momma: Yes, I know you own the station, but you can't stop by today. Why? Well, uh, uh... (improvising) Because we're - we're closed. Yeah, that's right. (To Andy) Why are we closed?
Andy: It's Chuck Berry's birthday.
Mr Carlson: We're closed because it's Chuck Berry's birthday. Oh yeah, we always close for that.

Buzzy, the old man: I'm not as old as I look.
Jennifer: Really? Are you any richer than you look?

Old lady: Where's my cat?!
Mr Coe: Oh, to heck with your cat!
Old lady, shaking her umbrella: Why, you filthy Nazi!!
Buzzy: This is no fun. Let's go chase the Hare Krishnas out of the airport again.

Andy: What we have, Sir, is a genuine publicity stunt right out there in our lobby. And... it's for free.
Mr Carlson, confused: Oh. Oh... (understanding) Oh!!

Mr Coe: Wait a minute, I smell a rat. My people are not going to co-operate. This is some kind of a trick.
Andy: But you all are going to get your pictures in the paper and on TV.
All except Mr Coe: Heck no, we won't go! Heck no, we won't go!
Mr Coe, after some thought, joins in out of synch: Heck no, we won't go!!

Choose an episode from the list on the left or
back to WKRP intro page