The Airplane Show | TV Hostess: We chose this letter from the thousands we get every week. "Dear Real Families, I'm edified by your broadcast presentation, and the direction of same, on the entire field of television. At my abode, "Real Families" is a must for the entire family. Please accept my sincerest kudos. One criticism though: while yours truly, his wife and kids really get a hoot out of the twisted people you choose to expose, enough is enough! How about showing a real, hardworking, clean-living Joe like myself? How about coming to Cinci? Sincerely, Herbert R. Tarlek, Junior. PS. I know the time difference can be a hassle, so phone anytime. We're just average folks. TV Host: But are they really average? I mean, who are these Tarleks anyway, huh? TV Hostess: We're about to find out, as only a Real Families on the Spot Camera Crew can! TV Host: What do the Tarleks do on an average Sunday morning?
TV Host: Just for the heck of it, we decided to follow the Tarleks to church.
Lucille: It's a synagogue! Bunny: This is our pool. You have to blow it up.
Lucille: We only allow the children to watch wholesome, family entertainment.
Herb: Well, there's three of us. There's Arthur Carlson, he's the GM, Andy Travis, he's the PD, and me, I'm the S & M. ... SM. Sales Manager. That's, uh, radio jargon. Jennifer to the cameraman: Go with him. Go. Johnny: I'm on the air, Herb.
Johnny on Herb: One of the most imaginative fetishists I have ever met. (obscured) Listen, I've got a lady friend who'd like to borrow some of your lingerie. Did the horses pay off? I won't need those drugs, Herb. It's really okay. I appreciate the offer. The kick-back from me... (obscured) Andy: Oh yeah, he's quite a guy, he's quite a guy. I could tell you some stories.
Venus: Herb is a hard worker, a loyal husband, and an all around fine person. Bailey: Um, Herb Tarlek is a, uh, a loyal worker. No! He's a loyal husband. He's a loyal husband, um... um. He's a loyal... Les, showing his awards: I won this one in 1975 when I broke the big soybean shortage story. Now over here - over here...
Johnny: Hard worker, loyal husband, fine person. Bailey: He's a loyal, all around... Mr Carlson: Herb Tarlek is a hard worker, loyal husband and all around fine person. Jennifer: Hard worker, loyal husband, and all around fine person. Bailey: All around fine person. There! I did it! Lucille: I pick up the food here in these aisles, and I pay for it over there. And these carts make it quite easy!
Lucille: I think Jennifer had a crush on Herb at one time, but that's all over now. Lucille: I think my hand is frozen to this box of ice cream. TV Hostess: What did you see in Herb?
Johnny: In the first place, Herb's name isn't Tarlek, it's Neitche. He's directly related to the famous nihilist philosopher. See, he came to America to prove through the use of polyester that God is dead, and I think he's succeeded admirably, don't you? SPCA Worker: Mr Tarlek had placed some ducks in the window of Hunter's Department Store as an advertising gimmick with his radio station. At noon, one, two and three PM, the ducks would do a little dance, sort of a jitterbug.
Bunny: And Mommy took away all Herb the Third's dolls, and told me to keep my mouth shut or he'd break my arm. TV Host: Has your marriage turned out the way you dreamed it would?
TV Hostess: Why do you love Herb? What's the main reason?
Herb: The truth? You mean what's real?
Herb the Third: My father is a hard worker, loyal husband, and all around fine person. Choose an episode from the list on the left or |